Preface
This incredible and extremely lengthy blog post originated in a motorcycle forum where I am an active participant in a particular conversation thread on that forum.
The thread (available to members only) covers Red Pill issues mostly concerning relationships, of all types, with women. The participants there are mostly over 40, many over 50. As it’s a motorcycle website, the vast majority of readers and participants are men.
The original author went to Red Pill and Manosphere websites to learn, to be introspective regarding those lessons, and to apply the wisdom gained to his own life and, in particular, his marriage. Publishing this list does mean every item is approved or even accepted. As well, some of the items are works from other blogs that the author quoted but did not give a proper citation. If any of content is under copyright, please contact this blog so that proper citations can be made or necessary content removed.
This blog only rarely covers issues of long-term relationships with this particular blog post being the only one to directly address marriage. The list is a type of manifesto written by a man leaving an unhappy marriage. His frustration and anger is obvious, necessary, natural, and healthy for the emotional healing that he must experience so he may move on with the rest of his life.
The original author experienced 18 painful years of an unhappy marriage. He obviously assembled this list to share with other men, regardless of their relationship status. The items in the list of 300 are full of amazing insights gleaned by reading Red Pill websites and also the Bible. The author of the list has a strong Christian faith and it’s expressed sometimes through quotes from scripture.
There has been almost no editing except some spelling mistakes of the actual list of these Red Pill proverbs. There has been a bit of formatting changes – mostly line breaks – to make it more readable. The author’s introduction has been edited slightly. This is the first publicly available source for the list.
It has been copied and pasted with the author’s permission.
– Editor, The Private Man Blog
Author’s Introduction
I have been struggling with a bad marriage pretty much since I got married 18 years ago. The [original] thread really opened my eyes to what was going on and why. Since finding that thread I have been doing a lot of reading, studying, and changing my life… for the better. In studying, I did as any good student would do. I kept notes. The following are pieces of advice that I collected for well over a year. Some of it is from here on this site. Some of it is from TRP [The Red Pill] blogs. Some of it is from other places. As always take what works for you and leave the rest.
When I started I had no intention of doing anything with this collection other than reading it to draw strength and guidance from when needed. Because of that, I did not record who made the statement. There are some very wise people here who have learned their lessons the hard way. I want to thank you for being willing to share your experiences and advice.
I also would very much appreciate if this thread stayed on point and others contributed their advice and thoughts as well. I like that we share a passion for motorcycles which brought us here, but also that we share a passion for making our relationships and lives the best we can.
The Red Pill Proverbs
1. The Bible book of Proverbs says:
“It is better to live alone in an attic than in a big house with a contentious woman.”
The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all. Sure, there are going to be some rough moments when you need to do more than your share to help your partner, but those are endurable because it’s mostly good, and the partner will return the favor when you need it because you’re a team.
2. Had a similar situation to the OP. Hung on for 13 years after the kid was born, and it was sheer misery. I, too, was the second husband.
One day I just decided I had enough, and told her to get out. Yeah, it cost a bundle, but it was worth it. Recently found out the “new, exciting man in her life” just dumped her as well.
Bottom line: some women are bound and determined to be and make things miserable. If you have one like that, the first thing you have to do is admit it, then ditch the bitch pronto.
BTW, what happened to her first husband ? Dollars to donuts she treated him the same way.
3. Some women pick fights for sport….OK, lots of women pick fights for sport. You don’t have to play.
4. You need to love yourself before you can love someone else.
5. My dad, on the day of my wedding, offered me this advice. It’s the only advice he’s ever offered me about women beyond “don’t marry an ugly one and don’t marry a dumb one, but above all, don’t marry an ugly, dumb one.”
“Son, you’re going to have kids and jobs and commitments and a ton of other things that are going to try and pull you apart. Every 3 or 4 months, no matter what, you guys should get away for a weekend. No phones, no computers, nothing – just you two.”
So we’ve been doing that. Sometimes, it’s us at a 4 star hotel. Sometimes, it’s us in a state park camping. But it’s always different and it’s always just us. No friends, no buddies, no phones, no nothing but two people sitting around shooting the shit.
It’s the most valuable bit of advice I’ve ever received from anyone.
6. Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat. He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study—one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow-up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
7. You are not selfish for deciding to cut someone off. There comes a point when it is time to stop being unfair to yourself.
8. Toxic
9. The relationship has run its course.
10. The marriage is over. The divorce is a business deal. Protect yourself. Those that “try to do the right thing” end up getting hosed in the divorce.
11. Cheaters are repeaters
12. End the relationship if your partner has no compassion for your pain, justifies the betrayal, minimizes the significance of the infidelity or if she continues to lie or deceive you.
13. Determine what you need in order to feel confident that your spouse has not only ended the illicit relationship, but is actively working to rebuild the relationship with you. Then ask for it. If the cheater is not willing to give that to you, they don’t value the marriage enough to repair the damage.
14. Adultery is something that happened to you. It does not define you.
15. If there is not honest communication about other issues, there is not likely to be honest communication about honesty in talking about the affairs.
16. Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.
17. No, you don’t “get along”. You simply acquiesce to her demands. That’s not getting along, that’s surrender.
18. It is ok to bail. It is ok to seek fulfillment. It is ok to find yourself and be yourself.
19. Do not fall in love with someone’s potential. Don’t fall in love with who you hope they will become, or because you see what a wonderful person they really are, even if they don’t believe it themselves. Do not hope they will change. Accept your partner for who they are right here and now or bail out.
20. Just because you love someone does not mean you are meant to be together.
21. Everyone I know who walked away without fighting has a happy life. All those who fought lived miserable for years. Lawyers are $200 an hour. Your shit ain’t worth fighting for.
22. Sometimes burning bridges isn’t a bad thing. It prevents you from going back to a place you should never have been in the first place.
23. A leopard does not change its spots.
24. Don’t shake the whore tree and expect a housewife to fall out.
25. Scorched earth policy when you are ready to divorce. Close ALL accounts in both your names. Get her off checking, savings, lines of credit, inform payroll so she can’t make any changes there either. Call credit card companies to inform them I will not be liable for any further charges.
26. Change all passwords from email to photobucket and everything in between.
27. Get a signed receipt from her for any money you give her. Keep all records of all money.
28. Don’t tolerate the lies, the ups and downs, the overall misery. Your sanity and happiness is worth more than that.
29. People don’t change. What you see is what you got.
30. Nothing sucks more than being alone INSIDE a relationship.
31. Lots of people control their mates or try to maintain power in a relationship by making the other party feel inadequate in some way. Don’t buy it.
32. There is only one reason why a woman accuses you of adultery without any actual evidence…guilt. If your woman accuses you of sleeping with someone else, it is because she’s been cheating on you and now she’s seeing evidence of her own behavior in everything you do.
33. The sooner you ditch your old baggage, the sooner you can realize your dreams.
34. A wise woman builds her home; but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. – Proverbs 14:1
35. Secure people do not have a need to belittle anyone, especially those closest to them. They do not feel the need to dominate, and let other people know how stupid they are in comparison to themselves. Instead, they reaffirm with love, kindness, complimentary language and will build those around them up rather than tear them down.
36. Don’t tolerate the lies, the ups and downs, and the overall misery. Your sanity and happiness is worth much more. You have to take care of you. Absolutely have too.
37. Use a paralegal or a mediator to file the divorce. Can be done under $1,000.
38. Love is worth fighting for, but you can’t be the only one fighting for it.
39. Love doesn’t hurt. Lying, cheating, and screwing with people’s emotions hurts.
40. Once upon a time I was falling in love. Now I’m just falling apart.
41. Sociopaths have lifelong patterns of deceitfulness for personal gain. They lack remorse and empathy and are wizards at rationalizing away how they hurt and mistreat others.
42. People with a loser mentality have an uncanny ability to turn things around so that they are the victim.
43. In the loser mentality, fear, manipulation, dirty tricks, etc. always trump self belief or self-trust.
44. People with a loser mentality say and do things to please or avoid trouble
45. People with a loser mentality hide who they really are . You always get the feeling “hmm… something isn’t right here!?!” (and you are right).
46. Good communication is the glue that holds a relationship together. Without communication there really is no relationship.
47. A real woman is secure and confident with herself, her femininity, and her place as a woman. No head games are necessary.
48. A rebound relationship is one that has the following:
*a person uses a new relationship to mend a broken heart
*a person becomes involved to prove to they are worthy of love and affection
*a person uses the new relationship to prove to the ex they have moved on
49. If she still talks fondly of her ex in present tense, you are being played.
50. How can you tell your partner is selfish?
* Talks only about themselves, what she likes, needs, and wants from the relationship. Your needs and desires don’t matter.
*Only relates to how things affect her personally and can’t relate to how life is interconnected.
*Doesn’t consider how her actions impact others or you.
*Wants you to listen, give emotional support and even worry about her, but never takes time to listen to how you feel.
*Only gives when she expects something in return and more often than not expects something more than she gave.
*Has an entitlement mentality
*Is quick to say “NO” when asked to give in any way. Always has a reason as to why they won’t give and it has to do with someone else’s fault.
*Unable to fulfill promises or commitments
*Thinks it is ok to manipulate and exploit others to achieve one’s own ends.
*She lacks empathy and makes no apologies for it.
51. The first step to freedom for yourself is to eliminate all the “Why” questions from your life. It happened or is happening.
Period.
The second step is to decline the invitation to her drama. Step aside and choose the life YOU want because she does not want a life WITH you.
52. I am afraid the time required for her to come out of her stupidity and pride exceeds your lifespan. Move on.
53. One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.
But people should also look at it in the negative: Would you tolerate your partner’s negative behaviors in your best friend?
Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is “no.”
54. Women are like monkeys. They won’t let go of one tree branch until they have hold of another. Always cheating and always on the lookout for your replacement.
55. No matter how gorgeous or alluring the girl is, you have to call it quits when a red flag goes up. As soon as it goes up.
56. Red flags
1. Chronic lateness. She is saying with her actions that she is not into the activity you are sharing.
2. Rudeness to waiters or anyone else in a service type job.
3. Scary divorce or break up stories. If the ex is the villain they aren’t emotionally grounded
4. A deep attachment to disturbing pets. If the pet comes first or is able to successfully interrupt that is a red flag.
5. When a woman tells you all her relationships end after a few months.
6. Demon children. Lack of discipline with the kids.
7. Money. if the woman expects to have a sugar daddy, someone to provide them a particular lifestyle instead of contributing to their own lifestyle or supporting it on their own.
8. Powerful emotions about her parents. Positive or negative. She has to please her parents and that means if parents don’t like you, you are gone. Daddy issues fall in this category too.
9. Bad sex. It will only get worse.
10. A slob. It only gets worse.
11. As she talks you pick up on a low hum of anger.
57. While most women are proficient in the art of manipulation, some of them have mastered the subtle intricacies of the art. Beware of such a woman. If you are with one, dump her and reclaim your life.
58. Emotional manipulators take no responsibility for their actions because everything that they do gets twisted into what others have done to them. You can recognize an emotional manipulator when they try to establish intimacy with you by sharing things that make you feel sorry for them. (ie. playing the damsel in distress)
59. Eight reasons to move on
1. Only staying together for religious reasons
2. Your needs aren’t being met emotionally, sexually, or intellectually
3.You have lost respect for your partner
4.Your partner’s behavior is difficult or dangerous (drinking, gambling, drugs, running up debt)
5. No longer sexually attracted
6. You have a hard time forgiving. (You need to examine why you are having a hard time forgiving. It may be that you shouldn’t forgive them.)
7. You no longer have fun together.
8. Long term goals no longer match.
60. Five signs you are ready to start dating again
1. When you hear good or bad news you don’t immediately think of calling your ex
2. You are ok with being single
3. You have stability in your life
4. The thought of going on a date makes you feel hopeful and not fearful
5. You’re not concerned with who your ex might be dating.
61. Your time is limited. Don’t waste it living someone else’s life.
62. Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions.
63. For “emptiness” is really just another word for “freedom” and “opportunity”. An empty glass can be filled with anything. – The idea here is to not be afraid of emptiness or the emotional emptiness of a divorce. It means that the cup of my life is ready to be filled with something better.
64. There are three categories of lies.
There are white lies. Lies about birthday gifting, Santa Claus, telling someone they look great, etc. These are no big deal.
Then there is the second category. Some people may accidentally tell a stupid lie for some stupid thing for no real reason and with no real consequence. This is a warning sign. A red flag.
Then there is the third category of lies. People who lie about where they’ve been, who they’ve been with and what they’ve been doing. Lies about money, lies about addictions, etc. These are deal breakers. They are direct evidence of a low-class, low quality person who will destroy you in a romantic relationship, guaranteed.
65. Where there is deception, there is no relationship.
66. Never push a loyal person to the point they no longer give a damn.
67. Nice guys finish last. Women respond to the asshole. They go for the bad boy. Be that guy and you will be drowning in women. It just won’t be the kind of women you want to be with the rest of your life. (There is a difference between a strong leader and an asshole. Most women don’t understand that though)
68. Don’t trust intensity and passion. Those things lead many good people down bad roads. They lead to quick marriages which don’t last or quick kids which they aren’t prepared to take care of as a couple. Relationships need passion, but it needs to be a low, slow burn instead of a roaring fire. A refreshing rain, not a tempestuous storm.
Roaring fires will blind you to things you would otherwise see.
69. Sometimes, one needs to make the decision to let go rather than to endlessly attempt to solve an intractable problem.
70. You know what every married guy says is the key to a happy marriage, “yes dear”. This means you can have a happy life as long as you give that soul-less demon known as a woman whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. If you don’t, she will go behind your back and get it from some other chump, if she is hot enough. Guys know this, that is why when they get laid off or fired and don’t have any money, they will eventually lose the wife too. Women stick just as long as they get what they want, or maybe five minutes longer. Then they start weighing their options. 80 percent or more divorces are initiated by women, fact. (I have also seen the number 65% a lot. Either way, women initiate divorce way more than men do)
71. When you love and care for someone you have a desire to please them. When things start to fall apart in a relationship, appreciation is one of the first things to go, and doing things to please the other goes out the window. That’s a giant warning sign.
72. Men and women are not equal. They are complementary.
73. Rejection beats regret… every time!
74. 90 some percent of women work it the same way a dealer does, gets you hooked on a free sample, once they are your supplier they raise the price until they have everything. Hey, don’t sweat it, Goodwill always has nice stuff available. Once a co-dependent, which is just a nice word for parasite, kills the host, they always move on.
75. You are doing the right things, except picking the wrong women. In a relationship you should always be more focused on the other persons needs than your own, women aren’t there yet, someday maybe? There are a few, wait for one.
76. Truth ain’t really so hard to swallow, unless you are a liar in the first place.
77. If I give, give, give, and she gives, gives, gives, we both should be getting everything we want. There is no room or reason for “take”. Take ruins it.
This is how I’ve been handling LTR’s. Except, it’s me giving, her taking, and then waiting and staring at me with this “come on, I need more, gimme more!” look on her face.
78. Run like hell once you know there is no future, don’t look back or get sentimental, it is a trap.
79. Look around. Do you know any great couples?
From what I’ve observed, it’s the man who leads in those great relationships. He may not make the most money, and I’m not talking about an overbearing asshole.
But in the solid, happy couples I know, they are not lead by the woman. (I’ve seen those too……no thanks)
You’ve been asking your girlfriends what they want…what should I do? And you’ve tried to give as they’ve said. How did that work?
Time to change that. Ask a man in a successful relationship what he does. Do as he does, not as she does.
80. Men need to lead a relationship. We’re bombarded by how we are equal…but even most women prefer a man to be the lead. It’s biological.
How equipped are you to lead? To lead the kind of woman you hope to attract? When she appears, are you ready?
A good woman will follow a good lead….and compliment her man.
81. Here’s what you have to keep in mind: society does not teach nor reward women to give. It’s all about what you can do for them. It’s very rarely about what they can do for you. You are like a trailer hitch for her. She added you to her life so you could tow around her laziness and baggage. That’s reality. Don’t lie to yourself and say everything’s going to be ok and the next woman will be better. The odds overwhelmingly say otherwise. If you give of yourself, give of yourself and give of yourself, you’ll eventually get pretty sick of doing all the giving and none of the getting. Men are nothing but pack animals to many women today. I didn’t say “all”, nor did I say “most” but, the ones that aren’t that way, are probably in relationships. That means that what remains will overwhelmingly be the ones interested in hitching you to the plow of their life. Ignore this at your own peril.
82. I guess I didn’t realize what I was saying with my actions, but I had been telling her for years, “It’s all about YOU. You do what you want, and I pick up the pieces. You completely live for you, and I completely live for you. Why can’t you see this and change your ways?”
It is like hosting a party where I’m the only one cleaning up.
Guess I ignored allllllllll the red flags in hopes that “doing the best thing possible” would actually get me somewhere. It did. Got me walked on, used up, and told straight to my face, “I don’t appreciate you.” It’s one thing to suspect it, but damn, it hit hard hearing it straight from her mouth.
83. Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who is free for the weekend.
84. Proverbs 12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
85. What happens when you don’t set boundaries? You get walked on.
86. Get friendly with the word “NO”. Can you take care of this for me? NO!
87. Don’t be afraid to lose. Men get back up.
88. She talks him into moving into her house. She will slowly get rid of his belongings, take over his income, and he will be trapped and powerless in her web of lies. Move in, but don’t feel like you belong. The sex dries up. Your income supports the household. You have no say in what happens, because… IT’S NOT YOUR HOUSE!!
89. Don’t be Captain Save-a-hoe
90. Insist on 50/50 on all the bills.
91. Don’t let anyone siphon off your dignity.
92. Keep control of your money!!!
93. Women get old, men get distinguished.
94. Happy wife, happy life? Wrong! Happy self = Happy life
95. In a relationship, each person should always be focused on the other person’s needs more than their own.
96. A woman doesn’t want to love out of obligation. She says she does. “If you do this, I will love you”. When in fact, by doing what she says, she is less likely to love.
97. A man’s success has a lot to do with the kind of woman he chooses to have in his life.
98. A cheating tramp is just not worth crying over.
99. What you allow is what will continue.
100. Don’t be a doormat!!
101. It helps if you are a little more picky about the women you establish relationships with in the first place.
102. There is an element of the physical to attraction and it sucks when your partner decides it no longer matters.
103. If you love someone set them free. If they come back, no one else wanted them either. RUN!!
104. Staying the course only makes sense if you are headed in a sensible direction. Because passion and persistence – while most often associated with success are also ingredients of futility.
105. When the wrong people leave your life, the right things start happening.
106. Janet Jackson’s song, “What have you done for me lately?” is a little to true. They demand servitude, then reject you because you did what they asked.
107. I got to chatting with my dad about how I always end up the doormat in relationships and he knew the reason was because “You’re a softy, you try too hard to please your girlfriends and they end up milking it for all it’s worth”. He gave me the advice to stop finding these girls that KNOW they are beautiful. I’ve dated some incredibly hot girls. According to him, the real prize is the hot ones that don’t know they’re hot. Apparently, they take to TRP men a bit easier because they aren’t so egotistical and power-hungry, they’ll let the man run the show and not fight much. I explained to him that now days almost any girl can be considered a “model” with a little makeup and the right hairstyle. Society has put a metric ton of pressure on women in the last 30 years to stay fit, be amazingly beautiful, and always look 21 years old. Essentially, finding that girl who hasn’t discovered she’s beautiful yet, is impractical. What’s a guy to do?
108. Shit Test- (also known as a fitness test) is when a woman will issue an obviously untrue statement (you don’t love me/care for me/think I’m pretty etc), and expect you to prove that you do in fact love/care/think she’s pretty. It is a manipulative ploy for validation.
109. Funny, I studied yacht design and boatbuilding many years ago. One of the designers, L. Francis Herreshoff, was a bit of a philosopher as well, writing in the 20’s and 30’s about simple yacht design. He would explain how it was better to have a simple and plain woman because she would be happy on your simple and plainly built boat, not like a ‘gasketed up floozy’ that would complain incessantly and cost you a fortune keeping up with her make up and beauty products. And besides, her high heels would put dimples in your new wooden deck. LOL. And this was from the 1930’s!!
110. Date, don’t target. I’ve said this before….have a mission. If you find through dating a girl who it really fits, pull her into your life. Don’t be pushed into hers.
The reality, the Red Pill for men is that we must lead. It may seem easier and more comfortable to just go along. It’s not. That’s the illusion. Unplug and set a path for your own life.
111. Game playing never results in a healthy relationship.
112. Girls want to have fun, laugh, and be wanted by a confident guy.
113. Don’t put up with bullshit for pussy. Ever!!
114. Don’t try to be something you think she wants you to be. Just be the most awesome version of yourself. Always.
115. Nice guys finish last.
116. These chicks say no. And you guys are wondering how to turn it around with them. Target fixation always leads to crashes.
It has little to do with any one woman. It’s a numbers game. Nine out of ten women will be a no go, for a million different valid reasons. All good and nothing personal. Let them go. Circumstances and timing dictate most of the outcomes for these nine. The important thing is to just keep whistling and trying, and learning that rejection is no big deal. In fact, it’s a must and builds your confidence if you do it right.
117. Just because someone desires you does not mean they value you.
118. As long as you are married to a poor money manager, you will be poor. Find someone who knows how to manage money. And time.
119. Don’t blame your behavior on someone else. You are 100% responsible for your own actions no matter how you feel or regardless of the situation.
120. So in effect I had been raised in a good and decent home with fine parents who taught me to be a nice guy and a gentleman. However, what was not communicated, mainly because my parents were older, is that being a nice guy in the sense of allowing myself to be manipulated is pretty easy with some girls of today. Since some of them have been sent to a self-esteem camp since they were little and told that they can “have it all” (nobody can have it all) it installs an attitude of narcissism.
Long story short: I got burned one too many times. I still remember the night, the girl, and the bar where it happened. I had the dignity at the time to stand up, put money for my drink (only mine) on the table, quietly say excuse me, don my coat, and to her surprise, I simply walked out the door without a further word. On my way home I thought about what I was doing to be manipulated this way and concluded that the answer was in effect nothing about me, aside from passively allowing it to happen. I was setting the stage to be second place by not acting as if I deserved first. Well, no one should allow themselves to hope to be a consolation prize; that is what makes you a beta orbiter. I vowed from that moment forward to be a gentleman in my doings but to avoid being a pushover. If that wasn’t good enough then I didn’t need it. I saw immediate effects and put them into action. Not just with the opposite sex but generally, it’s almost like you walk taller once you seize your balls back and everybody recognizes it. It’s not about strutting around and preening and being arrogant; it’s just about pride.
121. No one should allow themselves to be a consolation prize.
122. Endeavor to be a gentleman in all things. But remember that a gentleman has standards for his own behavior as well as those with whom he spends his time.
123. Respect your husband. – Notice how it doesn’t say “Respect your husband if he has earned it”. A man’s greatest need in this world is to be respected, and the person he desires that respect from the most is his wife. The trap that we’ve all been ensnared by is that they only deserve our respect when they earn it. Yes, we want our husbands to make decisions that will ultimately garner our respect, but the truth is that your husband is a human being. A human being who makes mistakes. This is the man who YOU have chosen to walk alongside you for the rest of your life, and to lead your family and he needs to be respected for that quality alone. Take it from me – when respect is given even when he doesn’t deserve it, it will motivate him to earn it. That doesn’t mean you pretend that his choices are good ones when they aren’t. Things like that still need to be communicated, but you can flesh out your differences WITH RESPECT. It makes all the difference in the world to him.
Guard your heart. The grass is not greener on the other side. Do not believe the lie that with a slimmer figure, a higher salary, a faster car, or a bigger house, you will be a happier woman. The world is full of things and people who will serve as reminders that you don’t have the best of the best, but it’s simply not true. Live the life you’ve been blessed with, and BE THANKFUL. I get that we all have struggles, and there are even times when I would love 1,000 more square feet of house to live in, but square feet is not fulfilling – relationships are. Guard your heart from things and people who will try to convince you that your life or your husband is not good enough. There will always be bigger, faster, stronger, or shinier – but you’ll never be satisfied with more until you’re fulfilled with what you have now.
God, husband, kids…in that order. I know this isn’t a popular philosophy, especially among mothers, but hear me out. It’s no secret that my faith is of utmost importance, so God comes first in my life no matter what. But regardless of your belief system, your husband should come before your kids. Now unless you’re married to someone who is abusive (in which case, I urge you to seek help beyond what my blog can give you), no man in his right mind would ask you to put your kids aside to serve his every need while neglecting them. That’s not what this means. When you board an airplane, the flight attendants are required to go over emergency preparedness prior to takeoff. When explaining the part about how to operate the oxygen mask, passengers are instructed to first put the mask on themselves before putting it on their small child. Is that because they think you are more important than your kids? Absolutely not. But you cannot effectively help your child if you can’t breathe yourself. The same holds true with marriage and parenting. You cannot effectively parent your children if your marriage is falling apart. Take it from me – I tried. There will also come a time when your kids will leave the house to pursue their dreams as adults. If you have not cultivated a lasting relationship with your spouse, you will have both empty nests and empty hearts.
Forgive. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. If you make forgiveness a habit – for everything from major mistakes to little annoyances (every day, I have to forgive my husband for leaving the wet towel on the bathroom counter ;)) – you will keep resentment from growing.
Over-communicate. I used to have a bad habit of not speaking my feelings. I played the standard “You should know why I’m mad” game, and that’s just downright unfair. Men are not wired like women, and they DON’T always know that they’ve been insensitive. I’m still growing in this area, and there are often times when my husband has to pry something out of me, but I’m trying to remember that I need to just communicate how I feel.
Schedule a regular date night. This one isn’t new, but it’s very important. Never stop dating your spouse. Even if you can’t afford dinner and a movie (which we seldom can), spending some regular one-on-one time with your spouse is essential. Don’t talk about bills, or schedules, or the kids. Frankie and I often daydream about our future, or plan our dream vacation. We connect emotionally and often learn something new about each other – even after four years.
Never say the “D Word”. If you’re gonna say it, you better mean it. Plain and simple, threatening divorce is not fighting fair. I did this a lot in my previous marriages. I’m not proud of it, but I learned better. I was hurting deeply, and I wanted to hurt back, but it never helped me feel better.
Learn his love language. Everyone has a love language. The way you perceive love is often different from the way your spouse perceives love. Does he like words of affirmation, or does he respond better when you give him gifts? Whatever his love language is – learn it and USE IT.
Never talk negatively about him. I learned this lesson the hard way too. If you’re going through a difficult time in your marriage and you need advice, see a counselor. Family counseling is a great tool, but try to remember that your family members and friends are not the most objective people to give advice. The argument they are hearing is one-sided and they often build up negative feelings toward your spouse, which usually doesn’t subside once you and your husband have gotten past it. Protect his image with those that you’re close with and seek help from those that can actually be objective. News flash, ladies – your mother cannot be objective!
Choose to love. There are times in a marriage that you may wake up and not feel in love anymore. Choose to love anyway. There are times when you may not be attracted to your husband anymore. Choose to love anyway. Marriage is a commitment. In sickness and health, in good times and in bad. Those vows are sacred. They don’t say “if you have bad times”. They say “in good times AND in bad”, implying that there WILL be bad times. It’s inevitable. So choose to love anyway. He’s worth it.
124. If a person doesn’t care about their hygiene and their own bodies, why would they care about you and your health.
125. Women with high interest level (IL) won’t confuse you. When a woman wants you she’ll find a way to be with you. If she’s fluctuating between being into you and then not, put her away for a while and spin other plates. If she sorts it out for herself and pursues you, then you are still playing in your frame and you maintain the value of your attention to her. It’s when you patiently while away your time wondering what the magic “formula” is that will bring her around. That’s when you lean over into her frame. You need her more than she needs you and she will dictate the terms of her attentions if you let her.
What most guys think are ‘mixed messages’ or confusing behavior coming from a woman is simply due to their inability (for whatever reason) to make an accurate interpretation of why she’s behaving in such a manner. Usually this boils down to a guy getting so wrapped up in a girl that he’d rather make concessions for her behavior than see it for what it really is. In other words, it’s far easier to call it ‘mixed messages’ or fall back on the old chestnut of how fickle and random women are, when in fact it’s simply a rationale to keep themselves on the hook, so to speak, because they lack any real, viable, options with other women in their lives. A woman that has a high interest level in a guy has no need (and less motivation) to engage in behaviors that would compromise her status with him. Women of all interest levels will test men, and men will pass or fail accordingly, but a test is more easily recognizable when you consider the context in which they’re delivered.
More often than not women tell the complete truth with their actions, they just communicate it in a fashion that men can’t or won’t understand. As a behaviorist, I’m a firm believer in the psychological principle that the only way to determine genuine motivation and/or intent is to observe the behavior of an individual. All one need do is compare behavior and the results of it to correlate intent. A woman will communicate a vast wealth of information and truths to a man if he’s only willing to accept her behavior, not exclusively her words, as the benchmark. He must also understand that the truth she betrays in her behavior is often not what he wants to accept.
126. Something is missing. What’s causing relationships to falter at the rate they are? Something’s definitely lacking. Relationships thrive on communication. Our most intimate emotions are reserved for the person we love, so how is it acceptable never to show them? We’ve accepted so many unacceptable things — sitting at the dinner table with our phones out, arguing over text, publishing every minute of our lives on social media.
Do you know what trumps all that?
Society has accepted relationships in which we are being cheated on everyday.
When you think of cheating in the traditional sense, having sex with another person comes to mind. It’s an intimate situation in which the person you love is connecting with another while you are going about your life, loving and caring for said person.
Once you find out, all trust is lost. But think about the concept for a minute.
Webster’s Dictionary defines cheating as the deprivation of “something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud.” Sure, sex is cheating, and maybe the most hurtful, but have you ever stopped to think that you’re being cheated out of your relationship everyday? Lack of communication, attention, passion, intimacy — even lack of love. Why are we OK with this, and all the communication shortcuts that have become so common?
This type of cheating brings damage much greater than that of any sexual affair. You’ve given your heart to someone, you love them with every bone in your body, but yet, you have to beg for their attention. You sit back and watch them post status updates about useless things or post pictures just so people can comment.
127. Just because it is the end of a relationship doesn’t mean it is the end of your life. What you feel is the end of your world is the beginning of an opportunity to find your happiness.
128. If she had any class she would keep her marriage vows. If her children were important to her she would be a positive role model instead of one of manipulation and deceit.
129. Whether you are evaluating a potential life partner or you’re ordering bacon and eggs at Denny’s; what you see is what you get.
130. The more financial independence a woman has, the more it correlates to how unfaithful they will be.
131. Always trust your first gut instincts. If you feel in your heart and soul something is wrong, it usually is.
132. Love does not equal compatibility. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.
133. Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?
Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to get a job or pay rent, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you any time you complained. That friendship would be over faster than Paris Hilton’s acting career.
134. Love does not solve your relationship problems. While love may make you feel better about your relationship problems, it doesn’t actually solve any of your relationship problems.
135. Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.
But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?
In loving relationships, it’s normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.
But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it. If we find ourselves in situations where we’re tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that’s essentially what we’re doing: we’re allowing our love to consume us and negate us, and if we’re not careful, it will leave us as a shell of the person we once were.
136. Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love.
You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.
But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.
137. The best place in the world is not only in the arms of someone who will hold you at your best, but will also pick you up and hold you tight at your weakest moment.
138. The following is a set of questions for you to consider — and suggestions about how you could find a greater sense of happiness, contentment and peace of mind:
When we focus on what we have, on what we’re grateful or appreciative of in our lives, we’re happier. When we focus on what we don’t have, we’re not. The choice, then, seems obvious: to put our attention on what we have, what we feel gratitude about and what we’re striving for, and to cease focusing on the hurts, the failures and the various bummers that we occasionally experience.
What’s good about your life right now? In which ways are you actually living the dream?
What makes you joyous? Think long and hard on this question. Your answers may not be what you think they are.
How could you add more fun to your life? Could you define what things are fun for you?
What new things might you add to your life that would be interesting and challenging?
Are you doing anything to be self-destructive — or are you sabotaging any of your long-range goals? Are you frittering away too much of your time? If so, what would assist you in changing these behaviors? If you don’t change these dynamics, you will have regrets about this later on.
What gives you a sense of purpose — personally and professionally? Finding purpose in what you’re doing is one of the keys to feeling content with your life. To find a greater sense of purpose, make a list of everything you would like to accomplish or experience before you die, and then create a plan for how to make those goals come true.
What gives you a feeling of thankfulness and gratitude? What people, achievements, experiences, relationships or events are you the most appreciative of or grateful for?”
139. Any relationship, (partner, family, friend) that puts you in a situation of guilt is unhealthy. Chances are it’s the main contributor to your depression. Your family does not live your life. You do. My family gets zero say in my decisions, although I may take their perspective into account. I’ve made it easy for everyone by telling them very little about what’s going on in my life, which means we have pleasant conversations. It’s worth remembering that happiness is directly related to new experiences, being grateful, and having a strong social and support network. Having a sense of place in this world matters a lot.
140. If it is a case of an abusive relationship, you should value yourself enough to get out.
141. There are people who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves.
142. There is no cure for insecurity.
143. People do not belong to each other, they belong with each other. She can only ‘allow or disallow’ you to do things if you give her that power over you. You are not her property to direct, you are her partner.
Where is the love? Where is the “I want you to be the happiest, healthiest you that you can be” committment from your best friend, your life partner? All I see here is her reassuring herself that you love her by your doing what she says you should be doing with your life.
144. Money can’t buy you happiness, but a good lawyer can make her miserable! :)
145. Is there a possibility that your wife is suffering from depression or heaven forbid having an affair? When it seems that she is attempting to start a fight at every step with you… My Ex did that because she was schtuping her boss or co-worker or something… and she was trying to push me away, but make it my fault.
146. One of the common human mistakes is to think that all change will be negative; think of all the things in your life that have changed for the better, all the things that came out right…it just might turn out better than your wildest dreams.
147. Smother Love- She feels you two should want to do EVERYTHING together.
148. The best thing you can do for yourself is date a variety of women. Don’t spend too much time focused on one at a time. We tend to overlook glaring faults in the women that give us what we want…companionship.
149. “There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman.
“It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”
Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.
People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner’s ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.
Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,” says Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.” That’s how kindness works too: there’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
“If your partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.”
In that moment, the easy response may be to turn away from your partner and focus on your iPad or your book or the television, to mumble “Uh huh” and move on with your life, but neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.
The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.
“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”
John Gottman elaborated on those spears: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”
For the hundreds of thousands of couples getting married each June — and for the millions of couples currently together, married or not — the lesson from the research is clear: If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often.
When people think about practicing kindness, they often think about small acts of generosity, like buying each other little gifts or giving one another back rubs every now and then. While those are great examples of generosity, kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis, whether or not there are back rubs and chocolates involved.
One way to practice kindness is by being generous about your partner’s intentions. From the research of the Gottmans, we know that disasters see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. An angry wife may assume, for example, that when her husband left the toilet seat up, he was deliberately trying to annoy her. But he may have just absent-mindedly forgotten to put the seat down.
Or say a wife is running late to dinner (again), and the husband assumes that she doesn’t value him enough to show up to their date on time after he took the trouble to make a reservation and leave work early so that they could spend a romantic evening together. But it turns out that the wife was running late because she stopped by a store to pick him up a gift for their special night out.
Imagine her joining him for dinner, excited to deliver her gift, only to realize that he’s in a sour mood because he misinterpreted what was motivating her behavior. The ability to interpret your partner’s actions and intentions charitably can soften the sharp edge of conflict.
“Even in relationships where people are frustrated, it’s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,” psychologist Ty Tashiro told me. “A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it’s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.”
Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy. One of the telltale signs of the disaster couples Gottman studied was their inability to connect over each other’s good news. When one person in the relationship shared the good news of, say, a promotion at work with excitement, the other would respond with wooden disinterest by checking his watch or shutting the conversation down with a comment like, “That’s nice.”
We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.
In one study from 2006, psychological researcher Shelly Gable and her colleagues brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from their lives. They psychologists wanted to know how partners would respond to each other’s good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other’s good news in four different ways that they called: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive.
Let’s say that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into medical school. She would say something like “I got into my top choice med school!”
If her partner responded in a passive destructive manner, he would ignore the event. For example, he might say something like: “You wouldn’t believe the great news I got yesterday! I won a free t-shirt!”
If her partner responded in a passive constructive way, he would acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way. A typical passive constructive response is saying “That’s great, babe” as he texts his buddy on his phone.
In the third kind of response, active destructive, the partner would diminish the good news his partner just got: “Are you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!”
Finally, there’s active constructive responding. If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: “That’s great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take first semester?”
Among the four response styles, active constructive responding is the kindest. While the other response styles are joy-killers, active constructive responding allows the partner to savor her joy and gives the couple an opportunity to bond over the good news. In the parlance of the Gottmans, active constructive responding is a way of “turning toward” your partners bid (sharing the good news) rather than “turning away” from it.
Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. In the 2006 study, Gable and her colleagues followed up with the couples two months later to see if they were still together. The psychologists found that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together. In an earlier study, Gable found that active constructive responding was also associated with higher relationship quality and more intimacy between partners.
There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart.
In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.
150. It’s unfortunate that most women are and/or become GIMME GIMME GIMME’s. Guys like me, and I’d venture to say, most other clueless “nice guys” will give ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to satisfy their women, and be left wondering what happened when she bails because it’s still not enough. This is where I find some peace of mind in TRP
151. Sometimes removing certain people from your life makes room for better people.
152. To thine own self be true. (I have always looked at this quote as a selfish one. Now that I have been used and abused… this quote takes on a whole new meaning)
153. I’d have kicked her to the curb at the first $1000 of debt unless it was for something pretty darned necessary. $50k???? Not happening. If you stay in that situation you deserve what you get. (Advice to a guy who let his girlfriend put him $50,000 in debt.)
154. Dump the harpy now… Get out with your nuts and sanity.
155. Your time is your life. If a woman doesn’t respect your time, she is devaluing your most valuable resource.
156. Your sole purpose for existence isn’t to make a woman’s life easier at your own expense. Do NOT become a slave so that a woman can live a life of luxury.
157. In realistic terms, if you are a high quality man, you have more to offer than any woman has to offer you. You offer good sex. You offer good times. You’re probably not expecting a woman to maintain you. You will over time, spend more on her than she does on you.
158. Most women are excessively self-centered and lack empathy when it comes to their romantic relationships.
This self-centeredness and sense of entitlement is reserved ONLY for the man in her life, no matter how much she claims to “love” him. If a stranger does the smallest kindness for her, she will appreciate it more than the constant kindnesses and sacrifices of her lover. Even if she’s madly in love with him and he’s a dominant man, her mind is poisoned by a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy. She may desire you. She may be crazy about you. She may even believe she loves you. And at the same time she will feel entitled instead of appreciative of your good deeds.
159. No matter how selfless and how many sacrifices she makes for her kids or for other people, her sense of entitlement is CONTEXT RELATED. Meani