By zerofighter
Sat… and she called me again…..
Yvonne: Any plans today?…
Me: Yup attending church service later…
Yvonne: Still the same church?… which service r u attending?…
Me: Yup… 5pm service…
Yvonne: Can i join u?… wife joining u?…
Me: Nope as she is tired… yup u can join me… Pick u up at 4.15pm.
Yvonne: C u then….
I then prepared my heart to meet her… Praying that God will give me the wisdom and strength for today meeting with her…. and above all a clear head and heart that i will nt give in to my emotions again…… It is raining on that day… and it chill my heart…. At times.. i dun even trust my own emotions again…. so fearful that i will just give in to my emotions… Any wrong move is irrevocable… from a simple hug… kiss…or even holding of hands can really lead to more things… that is y.. i have to guard my heart and thoughts seriously……
Otw to pick her up… i tuned in to Christian music… dun dare to tune in to any emotional songs anymore as i cant afford to be emotional at this pt of time and she was surprised that i actually tuned in to christian music……
During the service… i prepared my heart for the ending with Yvonne…. it is nt easy for me… having to struggle with the past… obligations… marriage vow…. i lay my heart before the cross and somehow it give me the peace and strength to go on………. Not forgetting that my church wedding is being held here and i am reminded of the marriage vow which i have taken… that i will cherish… love and honour my wife through the last days of our life……. All these thoughts pushed me on and somehow Yvonne can sense the deep turmoil in my heart……
The service finally ended and this scene really remind me of the break up with her which is abt 17 years ago….
Me: Where would u like to have yr dinner?…
Yvonne: Same old place ba… as i really miss the food here…
Me: K wait for me then and again i went to her favourite stall to q up for her Fried kway tiao…. ( Again this scene reminded me of the break up with her and my heart was filled with immense sorrows…. and everything will have to come to an end today….)
Soon we were having dinner…
Me: How is the taste?.. still the same as ever?…
Yvonne: Hmnn… nt the same taste anymore….
Me: It have been so many years… taste will change de… things will also change…..
There is a short pause after this statement…
Yvonne: But certain things remain unchanged abt u rite… u still attend the same church… still like the polo sweets….
Me: Yup… u r the one who bring me to this church… and my church wedding is being held here too…. This place have sentimental values to me ba…
Yvonne: True….. ( I can sense the sadness in her voice and i dun feel gd too)
Me: As for polo sweets… these sweets r with me during the times when i tried to quit smoking… depend on them to curb my craving for cig… that is y even till today even when there r different brands of sweets.. i still stick to this brand..
Yvonne: i know…..
After the dinner.. we headed off to east coast… our usual place whereby we can have a gd tok….. It is still raining…. and once again the cold rain chills my heart……..
We went to our usual place and decided to stay inside the car as it is still raining…. all the while i would on the christian music… while thinking of the rite words to use….
Yvonne: Do u have something to tell me?…..
Me: I have been thinking alot for the past few days……. and i know that it is no longer proper for us to meet again… at least for this period of time….
Yvonne: I knew the ans le… u r someone who lived by yr principles and conscience….. must have feel bad towards yr wife rite but that is what i loved abt u…. u r always someone faithful when it comes to relationships…
Me: Yup and i am really worried that i will end up hurting u even more… ( My emotions rise again….)
Yvonne: Thanks….. ( By this time.. her voice is choking with sadness too….)
Again there is a short pause after this statement….
Me: Do u know that i am really happy that i could have a chance to meet u again… i never expect myself to c u again….
Yvonne: Me too… that is y i did nt changed my mobile throughout the years hoping that u can contact me again….
There is a short pause again as i am trying my hardest to suppress my emotions….
Me: In life we r responsible for the choices we make… since we choose our spouse… we must be committed to our marriage….
Yvonne: Yup… but he did nt spare a thought for my feelings when he fool around outside… ( she is getting upset again)
Me: Have a tok with him again… if things still does nt work out… perhaps u have to think of divorce… but divorce is the last option…. no matter what… try to save this marriage first…
Yvonne: Will do…. dun feel that bad k… it is nt yr fault…. ( She said this statement while looking into my eyes….
Me: Sorry for nt being able to be with u at this pt of time when u r hurting the most…….
Yvonne: Can u hug me again as a friend……
Slowly we r in each other arms…. this is the last hug as we r tearing in each other arms…. unable to hold back my emotions again… i broke down and i cant seem to hold back my tears too….
Yvonne: Do u know that i am truly happy with u for the past few days when u took care of me but yet at the same time.. i know that u r also struggling with yrself…. but i feel really blessed to have u around when i am sick….
Me: No worries… i am just doing my part as a friend….
Yvonne: Whenever i think back of the old times with u… i feel warmed by yr love… u have always been someone who always care abt i feel… someone who put my feelings above yr own feelings ba…
Me: How u feel always matter alot to me….
Slowly and gently we withdraw from each other hug… as we r both too emotional already….
Me: And now i have to put my wife feelings above my own feelings le… cos she is my wife….
Yvonne: I understand…….. can we meet up again… will u change yr no again…
Me: Nope i wun change my no….Yup… the day when we can face each other with a ping chang xin will be the day when we can meet and catch up with each other again….. sorry……
Yvonne: Dun feel indebted to me… as i shared years ago….. whatever u own today is through yr own hard effort……
This statement really hit me hard…. she really know me well that she can easily point out my struggles well…..
Me: Thank you…
Yvonne: Promise me that u will love yr wife… i am sure that she will be a very blessed woman if u r able to love her as much as u feel for me…
Me: Yup i will….
Soon the conversation ended and i begin to sent her home… along the way we r both very quiet as we r both very deep in our thoughts…….
Guys i would like to share this song at this pt of time… as this song is the well description of my feelings…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nN9oPgtAgro
That nite after sending her home… i found myself driving aimlessly on the road… eventually i came to my old sch again…… Heading towards the main sch gate… the sight of the sch gate is too much for me to bear and once again i found my tears welling up in my eyes…. it is nt long before my mobile ring….
Fatty: Brother u k?.. wru now..
Me: Outside the sch gate…
Fatty: Brother wait for me.. i will come and meet u now….
After the phone call.. i cried again… at least there r some moments when i can cry ba… before my brother come… It did nt take long for fatty to arrive with his beer….
Fatty: Guess u must have tok to her already rite….
Me: Yup…
Fatty: Have a drink… he pass me a can of beer…
Me: Fatty.. i am tired…
Fatty: Time to let go le… this have been tormenting u for years already….
Me: Yup… i will try to…. c that mama shop… this place bring me back lots of memories…
Fatty: Yup those r the days… we would smoke there… sharing cig together… and even get caught for smoking together..
Me: Whahaha… yup… those r the days but this place also remind me of her… ( She brought the toothpaste from this mama shop for my cig wounds..)
Fatty: Brother… i know that u r trying yr best to be strong… no worries.. u can let out yr emotions if u need to… i wun laugh at u de… Keep that man pride aside today…
Me: Brother pei me to this place k….
I headed off in the direction of Yvonne old block…Both of us r quiet along the way… Fatty who know me well for years knew that i am deep in my thoughts and he just walked along with me….
Me: Ages since i dare to come here again… the old playground is gone already.. taken over by another new playground le….
Fatty: Of course lah.. things will change de… but our siong di qing will remain unchanged forever…
Me: Thanks for standing by me at this moment when i am weak….
Fatty: What r brothers for?…
I took a long look at her place and again the memories of the past seem to flood my heart again….
Me: Brother… i really found it difficult to let go of the past….
Fatty: I know that it is nt easy… but give yrself some time k….
Me: Y am i always so easily drawn by the past again….
Fatty: Cos that is u… my brother… u r someone who value kam cheng… very nian jiu person… that is y… our friendship can last for so many years mah… Dun think too much… have another can of beer…
Me: Thanks brother….
That nite.. fatty tried his best to cheer me up with his jokes… jokes abt the past…. and it really cheer me up….