Recently I’ve visited a contemporary dance event, it’s type was psytrance. Since quite some years I visit these kind of parties and as I’ve changed during my process of self-realization, my starting point, experience and the very self-expression also have been transformed, which I’d like to concisely share. Well, not that concisely, so this might just be a part of my future book of my story of finding myself and my responsibility, purpose and stability, direction and self-honesty, more simply: from consciousness to awareness.
First time I visited a similar party, it was drum and bass and I took acid, which hit me quite intensely. I’ve shared that within my vlogs some years ago, but in short: it was literally a mind blowing experience, which opened a lot of doors within myself, thus I decided to continue to experiment with these inner sets and external settings.
I’ve found that the combination of a mass event with very dominant and repetitive music with lots of bass was really intensifying the effect of the psychedelic substance, which I’ve used to ‘break through’ to the ‘other side’ of my mind, existence, myself to discover and explore what is beyond my conscious mind, personality, the reality I see every day.
It was not a comfortable experience in the beginning as I felt myself literally turning inside out and losing everything what I’ve defined before and it felt like a more direct, raw sampling of reality and myself without any thoughts, judgements, definitions or preconceptions, beliefs, but I rather felt like a newborn baby with virgin eyes and mind.
Many times people take on these experiences within controlled environment, wherein they can relax, choose what to experience, avoid things not wanting to experience, being with selected individuals and also many times rather depriving from external stimuli, so then they can focus more to what’s within. That I also did, but in fact from the beginning I had this fascination to not wanting to control anything, not wanting to select who I meet with(to a certain degree, usually parties are safe, nothing real war going around), because I have realized that even the personality-mechanism with I would ‘set up’ the setting around me should not be trusted or regarded if I really want to let go everything of the past and purely explore what’s in front of me with more possibility and less control.
Also there is a certain aspect when I am among many, when I am in close proximity of many other people, then I can’t hide or pull back from anything what is coming as internal or external experience, but dare to face it, deal with it, adapt, expand and transcend.
Sounds great and after a couple of d&b parties, somehow I was introduced to goa trance. It’s a specific trance music, which kind of originates from a part of South-India, Goa, where hippie and acid subculture mixed up with house and trance music, wherein these specific kind of mind-stimulating, intensifying, tripping melodies and sound effects were played at parties and from there it spread the world, even to Hungary.
The 4/4 base with strong kick drum and snappy, vibrant bass line combined with open and closed hihats creates something interesting ‘in the air’ if well put together and played loud enough, it creates this kind of flow, which feels like it’s constant, yet stimulating, progressing and can help to put a person into a trance.
Of course, there is more than the baseline, but that’s the foundation and then can be effects, melodies, ‘story’ and even harmonies, dissonant sounds, whatever.
It’s like a modern version of tribal music near to the fire – this is just more loud, so then hundreds or even thousands of people can dance together.
They call it psychedelic, because people often take psychedelic drugs at these events, not everybody and not always, but most of them try it at some point, because it can help develop the person to tune to the music further. At least that’s what is being said. Also it’s significant that there are mostly evolving, heightening, developing patterns, what kind of simulate a frequency raising or keeping it high, while most people dance.
So it’s linked to dancing, however for me in the first years it was not about dancing, but rather just standing at the edge of it and listening, observing, watching inside as well and really looking how my mind and beingness resonates with all of these effects altogether and to see where is the least inner conflict, how I can find the flow, losing my judgements and have this oneness experience.
So this was when I took acid mostly and people kept saying about ecstasy as that is the dance and opening up substance, but I really resisted it, as people on it looked weird when I observed them while I was on acid. Like their eyes were more popping out and they seemed to be fast in their mind, while I really enjoyed that I fully slowed down and I was able to relate and connect with those who were also slowed down within extensively.
But after a while, I gave in, and I also wanted to try this dance thing, so took the ecstasy and after a while I just went to dance and I was actually enjoying it, so that stayed – did not need any more of the substance, however I’ve tried it two more times combined with acid(“candyflip”), but then I was dancing ‘by default’ already, and after all, I did not feel the need for it anymore, but it was a ‘gateway drug’ to start dancing and enjoy myself extensively meanwhile also making the first step to not just wander around in my mind, but also to ‘work’ with my body.
Dancing in crowd requires a bit of skill and also demands a certain level of presence not to step to others or stumble into them, especially when it is not open space or people are crowding up near to the front, where music sounds best or close to the stage…Also to effectively move around dancing people, some likes that, some not, I always enjoyed it, it felt like I am kid again and strolling through adults mischievously while I can look, see, even interact with many kind of people, it’s like a kaleidoscope of humans, which is unpredictable and kind of continuous, so I enjoyed it.
Many people are uncomfortable being among others, especially when their conscious mind is shattered, twisted, melted down or exploded, because then they have no idea what’s going to happen, how they would react to something unpredictable, so facing the unknown can be frightening – or fascinating, depending on the starting point I guess, but for me, even at some times I had this swirling, friction within while being ‘exposed to’ basically endless amount of strangers who all can see me what I do, which can again: can be alright, I embrace who and how I am, even when viciously high on multiple substances, and for some it’s scary to think about that option.
I mean, in the beginning it’s really unknown territory, one just hope that will not start slicing other people up when the unconscious/subconscious mind melts together with the conscious-apparently controller mind…
Sometimes I did weird things, like one time I really liked a girl’s hair so I touched her, who was just in front of me, but not to the point of annoyance, it was rather just a moment of ‘hey, it’s cool, touch it, okay, next moment’ – but it’s part of the deal as I decided – I will face who I am, and if shit happens, I will deal with it, or I won’t but still, I will not hold onto fear to limit myself, just because I do not know, because in fact: I want to know!
Well, this does not sound that bad, but I needed some years while I got familiar, comfortable and became really smooth and relaxed meanwhile the stuff I took sometimes felt like a sledgehammer or a nuclear meltdown in my mind and body, so there was this friction also, which peaked up to a point from where ‘the trip flipped’ and then I was kind of flowing, no thoughts, worries, negative emotions or even positive feelings, but I was just kind of moving.
In a certain way, it’s a ‘little’ death, because who I perceive myself to be, all can ‘die’ in a way within me, because I lose everything I was holding onto and nothing remains, just me, which also can be really-really scary, but in a way it can show me that even after I lost everything I was holding onto in my mind, I can still be here and express myself…That’s why people refer acid, mushroom, dmt and similar psychedelics as ‘ego-killer’ and in a way I have to agree with.
Meanwhile I also did many ‘private’ sessions with selected people at certain type of locations, so I did not just exclusively blew my mind at parties, but that was consistent.
In terms of dancing – as this whole story was in fact a sort of introduction, to give a context, from where I started it, I developed some perceptions, preconceptions and self-definitions about it, which later proven to be self-limiting, however it was not obvious first. That’s also one reason I share within this amount of details, so that others from similar context can relate. Because only later I realized I was self-dishonest about many things, which as I did forgive myself for those self-acceptances, I’ve liberated myself from many self-limitations, yet as I stated before – I still do visit these events and can enjoy them extensively without any substance and self-definitions.
I must state out also that this is not about the drugs as those are good or bad, from my perspective, who went through a lot of those before and since several years completely stopped taking, I can say these are not necessary, and yet if taken, can prolong or distract/diverse one’s process of self-realization.
Self-realization here I refer as to understand who I am, my creation, how I am, who I am, where I came from, where I am going to, what is real, what is not, what is my responsibility and to see what is the purpose or directive principle being applied here in existence in overall.
I guess, as with many other substances, even with alcohol, people might can have the ‘aim’ for self-support so to speak, but these mind-altering drugs are specific in my view, because these can catalyze, magnify and even disrupt or completely block certain mind and body processes.
So, what I used dancing for was the following – I did dance for hours, one-two-three-four hours for instance, only going out for some minutes, hydrate, but mostly dancing with the very loud and dominant music, which is many times is so loud that it literally feels like it is washing away my own thoughts, so I rather just embrace it and it resonates within me, even can feel it’s vibration in my body and I dance, mostly monotonic movements, but always changing something, while I am IN this body until I AM this body so to speak.
Also I had to learn how to breath effectively, so then I can continue with the fast, intensive movements while not getting exhausted, I mean for lots of movements one must breathe more. With the tiredness, drugs can also help as they apparently give a lot of energy, which sometimes can feel like I could shovel away a mountain and even wanting to move, to do something, because so vibrant, raw and direct this energetic state can be, so then dancing, if I can enjoy the music, others, myself seems like a naturally good choice.
In the beginning I felt like I have to build up my dancing, many times I did not enjoy it for a long time, until something just changed within me, so it was like ‘warming up’, like a diesel engine, but the more I danced, the quicker this warm up was, and now – even as I am completely sober, I can directly go in and immediately dance like I just stopped hours of dancing a minute ago, which is also not something ‘conscious’, but feels like my body directly can do it, but only when I am present in and as the body – but this realization had to wait for some more years…
So I’ve spent a lot of time perfecting my method of trance, where I was able to find this quietness, peace, with substance or without, and there were a lot of variables what had to be right in order to be able to ‘induce’ this state of trance. In a way I was slave of many circumstances, because I was really particular about these details to be perfect in order to really let go of myself and find this state and experience, what I called as ‘self-healing and regenerating’, because in that state I was able to stop thinking and be the moving body without anything else, but in that moment live the words dancing.
It’s funny if I put it like that, I could write into my CV, that ‘trance dance’ – 10 years experience – which skill is really specific, so I can go to trance party and enjoy myself – well, it’s not just that, meanwhile I was learning how to do that, I had to let go many things, but within my core of my being I kept running in circles.
That’s why I was kind of dependent on psychedelic substances, because in a way I ‘knew’ what I do, how I do it, but I always defined that I needed the energy accumulation, intensifying, because I believed that in order to change, re-align myself, I need energy, which was really big self-delusion.
I do not talk about physical energy, like from food to be digested and support the body, but mind-energy, which is rarely the topic of humans, yet it’s completely ruling human’s consciousness and therefore their reality.
The energetic mind is what I talk about and it’s ‘thermodynamics’, ‘physics’ and ‘chemistry’, which is pretty much irrelevant to physical reality to a certain degree, because in a way it’s all just made up, yet we stick to these so seriously that we can’t stop defining ourselves through these patterns, experiences, reactions.
So I was also juggling with these energies while ‘working’ with dancing. For me many times it was not about ‘party’ and ‘having fun’, but to continue studying my mind and body relationship without knowing what I do, but rather I was like the ‘modern human science’ – I was twisting with the inputs/outputs and tried to observe what changed, in a way from an ‘external’, ‘separated’ point of view.
Because I did not really know. I did not understand why I react the way I do to certain events, people, but wanted to know. I mixed all these up with eastern spirituality, buddhism, who stated that they study where the thoughts come from and where they are going, and that always fascinated me, so I completely felt adequate myself to directly ‘hit that nerve’ and as I really put up everything of me to that card of actually really-really wanting to find out the answers for these questions, I had no much doubt, which was also a dual blade, because in a way kept me going without stopping, but also many times I did not stop for a moment to consider what is here, what I do and to be able to apply practical common sense.
Many times these substances are like a big push – and if I do not align with self-honesty, but rather I have the inception of any slightest self-delusion, belief or judgement, then these also can ‘help’ ‘growing on’ those too, meaning within a big figuring out moment one can conclude something awfully off, yet everything would seem like it’s the way. THE way, meanwhile it just seemed like that, so the tendency to cross-reference is less likely. Not impossible, but what I mean is that one can’t and should not trust oneself completely without question. In the beginning, certainly not, because a ‘supervision’, ‘external self-support’ from the ‘right’ person can never hurt, but it’s also that one must find people with integrity, stability, consistency understanding and experience as well when choosing support. That I found with the guys and gals around desteni.org, which for I am eternally grateful, equally so to myself as well, because it is self who must make the steps and actually walk the change from consciousness systems to substantiate living awareness.
Also, because mostly everywhere these substances are illegal, people can have worry, sneaking around and secrecy, so that is also an obstacle one has to overcome, because law enforcement can punish, sometimes even retaliate as it’s possession and consuming is equals as serious criminal activity, which is kind of ridiculous in a way, but currently it is like that.
If I could not find ‘better method’ than psychedelic drugs, probably I would still take them, but I can state it more clearly: if I would not practically come to the actual realization that I am directly fully here, and I could not ask questions to myself about myself, my limitations, conflicts, delusions and then being able to answer to myself, then probably I still would rely to external ‘bridge’ supports, with what I would still try to ‘mine out’ some more from my consciousness, mind, body through these elevated experiences.
The fact and the actual proof, that I can live without conflict and the confidence, direction and actual, practical application to deal with shit while being sober, always here is priceless and there is no further experience I would need to go after, there is no other specific mind-state I would need or want to induce, because I rather be the solution myself directly without any drug. For me it was too much compromise, the dependency, the polarity of getting high and then back, the constant dealing with the arising need, getting it, taking it, going through the experience and then it wears off – it’s just not worth it anymore, because I am comfortable and able to be intimate with myself directly without anything and if seeing self-dishonesty or self-limitation, I can apply the desteni tools, which I’d rather refer as ‘my way of living’ as self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment by investigating the words and my relationship, definitions of them within me and giving new opportunity for myself literally by decomposing the patterns what constitutes who I accepted and allowed myself to be within fear and doubt.
In a way, each human is in the trance of fear constantly and my way was to try an other trance from which I can break through that trance, what somewhat worked sometimes, but in overall I had to realize that I do not need to break through, I rather have to stop participate within what I always did since childhood, which is the mind, the thinking, comparison, judgement, backchat, emotional waves and take the direction of be responsible for everything I actually am here constantly.
Maybe a person, who reads this and sometimes takes psychedelics can feel or define that they are confident about that for them these substances still are of assistance, and probably not that much as they define it, but everyone’s process is different, but one thing is certain: we certainly never know our utmost potentials until we ensure that did everything of our power to expand through our limitations, what are certainly not are in and as the physical, because the real limitation is in the mind consciousness of the human, therefore I suggest to all to investigate, understand the thought-processes and the emotional reactions, because these are really limited ways of the human existence in comparison to be whole, unified and quite within while still live, express and share self-movement without any fear or separation.
As you can clearly see, for me dancing was really linked with substances for long time, but since some years not anymore and my personal experience, conclusion and realization was that I was able to expand and grow, transcend and live much more directly and with more stable awareness without the psychedelics. I know, it’s a bold statement, and many came to me with that ‘you could not be who you are today without those, so how you could deny them’ – well, I do not deny, I simply state what I see, realize and understand and that entails to clearly share: sober, stable self with empty head is more capable of walking through the systems of internal and external matrices, what limit us and determine us, therefore, who really wants to ‘work’ with transcendence, I’d suggest to let go the phase of drugs and start the real job of knowing, understanding and decomposing the patterns what constitute oneself which are self-dishonest and not aligned with what could be the utmost potential and also the best for all.
If anything of reaction, denial, thought-emotion would arise to this suggestion: realize, it’s the mind, yet it is you, so start embracing and accepting the fact that it always has been the decision maker and can not be trusted, especially about how and when to alter your mind states without really understanding how the human mind and body relationship really works.
At first life can seem a bit slower and less colorful, certainly lower intensity, but then recognize the simplicity and infinity within one breath, and in the next one, and then the next one – and to realize that this consistency within breathing presence has to accumulate in order to break through the mind’s prison, which is our manifested consequence of self-acceptance of identification with energy, dependency into relationships through thoughts, feelings, emotions and then the recognition comes that real self here does not need (mind)energy, intensity or waving mind states to experience what is really real here, but the opposite – the less I participate within these patterns, the more I am stable, consistent, direct, present here.
And then I gift myself with the realization that all those intense, more fast, ‘highway’, ‘hyperspace’ experiences were just in my mind, which seem cool, groovy and stimulating, but they are dwarfed in comparison to real physical substance level of awareness here, I again quote Bernard Poolman here: it’s like when an ant inspecting a Lamborgini – it seems out of world, but in terms of the context of the whole existence, the Lamborgini is completely irrelevant, your experience is irrelevant(video in the link).
That’s why it’s common sense to ask and answer to myself: what are thoughts, where they do come from, why they come, what is the source behind them and my relationship to my memories and how I am being dishonest and doubtful while participating within them – and one can realize that all those cravings for intensity, experiences and highs are summoned, because one is not intimate with and as self here to directly see, directly move, directly change and directly live.
Therefore it’s suggested to word to yourself what you see the drug gives and then ask yourself, how and why you separated yourself from accessing yourself directly in terms of these aspects, what you just worded here?
Or if you can’t stop taking it, then during it’s apparent ‘support’ – realize that during it’s effect and experience – you are still walking in the mind, regardless of how deep, resonant it’s experience – which is okay for a moment, but when you keep returning to this specific ‘method’ and ‘level’ – you might also can realize that somewhere you ‘stuck’ and time looping, because can’t realize, let go or practically apply what you already should.
See, the mind consciousness system is kind of infinite, you could endlessly explore it’s dimensions, but the call of self-honesty is to recognize that meanwhile we have a life, a system already in and as the physical here, what is the bottleneck, therefore it can’t be disregarded for too long, but rather also to embrace and take responsibility for: even the abuse, the horror of humanity’s cannibalistic self- and life-abuse. Because once one starts to really walk through the systems of one’s mind, can clearly see, that one’s limitation is only equals with the extent of one’s responsibility, therefore to really transcend self-limitation and the ego of the mind means to take responsibility for all what is here as self as all as equal as one. So take that into the equation of your moments, can balance out the energetic experiences to recognize the possible points of addiction and fear to let go the past.
Also if there is no polarity of ‘on drug’ and ‘off drug’ – one less problem, because I can start to work with the energetic experiences what with I disregard the physical presence and I can answer why and then with real understanding I can see the pattern before participating and then I can prevent myself leaving presence into thought-tubes, emotion-waves and that is really cool, because I can change myself more directly, which is really handy in terms of walking through self-limitations. Limitations, what maybe were the starting point of taking drugs, which is self-empowerment, resulting with accumulation of self-trust, confidence and practical knowledge of self, not just a bunch of semi-wise mumbo-jumbo, but about who I am and why I am, who I am and then I can measure specifically: is it really the best or I can change, and if I can, I should and then I change. And from a point internal and external self is also equal – therefore as I change myself, I already change the world!
So this writing starts to grow to many directions, not just dance, parties, my story, but also substances, the mind, the energy, so I stop it for now and will continue writing soon.
I’ve recorded also 30 minutes of talking about this topic, but I was not fully satisfied with it, so soon will re-record myself, well, this writing was also a preparation for it so to speak, so until that, enjoy breath!
