In listening to https://eqafe.com/i/ateale-heaviness-the-aha-moments-atlanteans-part-373 which is the latest interview within a series of Heaviness I started walking the process to discover the heaviness that exists within me. Since the first interview in the series I began to experience the heaviness and related and wrote down specific emotions that I find within that heaviness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a heaviness within me of sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, hatred, resentment, isolation, being unappreciated, being rejected, left out and beaten down that I have experienced and carried within my entire life because I didn’t feel accepted and recognized as who I am within my family, school, groups, and society because I believed I was different and had a different view on reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of being a young child and full of life and enthusiasm and being told to shut up, be quiet, don’t do that, stop behaving a certain way, “who told you a silly thing like that?” where I started seeing from a young age that I was something to be quelled and hated for my expression of myself and so turned the hatred inwardly towards myself that I wasn’t all right, that there must be something wrong with me and then took that hatred outward towards anyone who I saw trying to get me to stop being me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that this heaviness is pure energy and to accept and allow myself to fall into this energy whenever it comes up that my ideas are rejected, that I am put down or judged, when I am left out from something or not appreciated or accredited for something that I did to then act out and behave how I thought I was being treated and to then reject and judge and be spiteful towards others when they had a good idea or did something well because ‘they did it to me and I was not going to give them what I desired within me’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been jealous of other children who got encouragement and kind words from their parents when they were shining in their being because I never felt that I got that and so craved and desired that I would have parents that saw my attributes and my being and assist me to enhance my potential and started to act out when I didn’t get that with behaviors of manipulation and being angry and spiteful towards them for who they were.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a heaviness experience to not be appreciated or seen for who I am where I think that people don’t care about me or relate to me in any way where I feel this energy in my head and my chest, feel really sad and dejected, go into spitefulness, anger and hatred towards others where I go into back chat and pull myself away or go get involved in other things where I think people will appreciate me not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am creating this experience wherever I go and it become redundant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into back chat with self judgment when I am triggered by an event where I go into heaviness with “I am useless, I can’t do anything, nobody likes me, I am stupid, by body is heavy, I hate everything, I am tired of everything, I am tired of people, I hate people, I haven’t amounted to anything, I can’t learn new things, I am lazy, lethargic, everything is too layered with hatred, spite, wanting to give up, I can never change and project that onto circumstances even when things are opening up within the experience with words that are familiar to me that I heard my parents say about themselves and so copied and emulated them as back chat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted and restricted within my body that I am not allowed to express myself because someone will criticize me or try to quell me and so go into the mind of a heaviness feeling that I am not appreciated, not seen for who I am, not recognized, not encouraged at all and then to turn into desiring that from others to fulfill me in some way and create a behavior of wanting attention from others in a mind systemization instead of my pure being expression and even when people say things that I have desired don’t believe them because I think they are lying or trying to manipulate me to get something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the inability to really communicate properly from fear of others criticizing and ostracizing me and so everything comes out all at once and nonsensical from my fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of when I was in school and laughed at and humiliated by bullies and teachers because I said things that were different and how I wanted the world to be a better place for others and that wasn’t cool or understood so I went into a spiteful, resentful, angry heaviness that I was so misunderstood for being different.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be my natural self and when I would come up to being criticized internalize myself and shut off the world and not want to try for a while but felt I had this need to do that anyway but continued to create a mind loop of putting myself out, being rejected or criticized, hate everyone that did that to me and make them wrong for it and then isolate myself and feel left out all existing within my mind systems as heaviness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate people who question anything that I do or criticize it in any way and hold onto grudges against people who have done that and go into, “I’ll show them and when I have done something great I will remind them of how they treated me and what they said about me” and to hope that they feel what I did instead of seeing that I pulled myself away and isolated myself when they said something and took it personally and became consumed with the energy within me and suppressed it turning it into heaviness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the energy of self-pity from memories of my mother sitting alone in the dark and saying, ‘no one cares about me, no one loves me, everyone hates me, if they cared they would do something nice for me, no one understands me’ where I took that energy within me and suppressed it and when times of heaviness come up I feel that inside me and think it is real where I polarized myself thinking I was the cause of my mother’s pain and felt all this guilt because of who I was and that she couldn’t handle me and then became like her when I felt shunned, left out, laughed at.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of energy when my father threw plates at the wall in anger and frustration and yelled at everyone that we all hated him where I suppressed it all within me with fear and hatred that I didn’t want to be here or have anything to do with him and that I was in the wrong family and didn’t belong there but also thinking I caused his anger and hatred and so when other people get angry I stuff it all down and feel heaviness and think how I want to escape this anger and that I don’t want to have anything to do with them again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I go into that anger and rage that I saw my father have and the victimization that my mother had towards my father where I have suppressed the polarity within me as a heaviness of self judgment when I play out both sides of the duality and polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accumulated and contained this energy within me with personalities and back chat that have created consequences within my physical body from going into conflict with others that reminded me of my parents and siblings and other people who I felt put down by or criticized and humiliated by where I have developed strong defense mechanisms and tactics to keep people separate from me because I didn’t want to feel this heaviness within me but would still feel it from going into the mind about these conflicts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always feel like the outsider looking at others like they are part of something that I just don’t get and don’t want to be a part of because I judge it as stupid, not something I would want to be part of because of memories of bullies, parents, siblings, teachers that were mean to me because of who I was and feel this heaviness of separation from others because I believe I would never fit in with them and didn’t want to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a heaviness of anger and hatred towards the world for how it is, so corrupt and life negating and feel it is insurmountable when there are people in it who have no consideration for others or animals where I go into ‘fuck it’ we are all going to hell in a hand basket based on memories of hearing my father say that, wanting to be different and then running into the absurdity of things that people do and then agreeing with that point of view not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am the whole and this is a reflection of my inner landscape of separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself when I have a heaviness in my body where I feel dizziness in my head, my ears really hurt , feel I can’t move or go on, don’t want any criticism or condemnation until it is lifted from me not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is always within me and I have let it direct me when I feel it due to trigger events from memories when I was a child
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear that I have turned out just like my parents all parts and personalities that fought between each other, criticized me, became the outcome of the criticism with anger and hatred towards others and the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction when people offer criticism of something that I am doing and take it personal and go into the heaviness system filled with emotional reaction internally with reminders in memories of someone trying to quell my self expression and enthusiasm
When and as I see myself go into the experience of heaviness where I believe the emotions, feelings, thoughts, memories, back chat, internal conversations are real based on developing my mind personalities from childhood memories where I suppressed energy within me and have carried it within me bringing it up when trigger events happen when I feel criticized, made fun of, left out, put down, told to quell my enthusiasm or life force, compared to others, I stop and breathe and keep breathing here in life in the moment seeing/realizing/understand that this energy is not real and creating consequences in my physical body and in relationships with people where I have projected my experience of heaviness onto others as if they are the cause instead of what exists within me.
When and as I see myself go into a trigger event based on memories I stop, breathe change in the moment, and create a living word that I can live by and not go into the paranoid delusional mind that I created from the suppression of energy within my being and physical body. I look at all that has been stimulated from the memories and see that they are mind programs and are not who I am.
When and as I am told things about myself where the tendency is to think I am being criticized where I go into the mind with heaviness and have back chat and defensiveness with all the emotions, I stop and breathe and receive the information without reaction and taking it personal and see if it applies to my personal process and growth.
I commit myself to understand what heaviness is and to not let it dictate or direct me and to live by the directive principle within my being that is here for that which is best for all life including me.
I commit myself to forgive all those who have tried to quell my enthusiasm when I was a child and criticized me or laughed at me because I had strange ideas or talked differently where I held on to the heaviness of being hurt and humiliated where I created separation and isolation brought about by trigger events when I felt the same experience.
I commit myself to life, to my being as someone who stands for all life and to the beings of other people and to not get ensconced in their mind programs but talk to the potential of who they are.
I commit myself to lift the heaviness once and for all within me by not feeding it and to let go of the mind programs that I sink into when I want to be right or want to experience a familiar emotional state.
I commit myself to live the living words of enthusiasm and self expression from my being.
I will continue with this process of heaviness to cross reference what is suggested within the next interview to see if anything is left out.
