It was only 5 days ago, but it seems like years have already past. It was the worst nightmare, but I now know that it was a blessing in disguise.
He told me weeks before that his male friend who I also know was flying in on the 25th and they need to intently work on some paper revision. Yes, who flies in for work on the 25th right? But his previous lies (reality does get compromised and what's normal changes if you date a P long enough) and our unpredictable schedule and round the clock work requirements did made me say yes that can be possible, even if I had some bad gut feelings.
When I questioned how come he is coming in on the 25th and what should I do when you work, he accused me of being selfish, needing attention always, never having any consideration about his hectic work schedule, etc. He "appeased" me by saying we will spend the 24th and the 31st together, we will celebrate on those two days for sure. Now I know why he so intently emphasized those two days (he never scheduled anything, I was always on perpetual standby adhering to his last minute plans and schedule); he wanted to have it set in stone that I shouldn't be bothering him the days in between.
When I casually asked him should we have dinner once while he is in town? P got extremely angry and accused me of wanting to check up on him, that I'm playing games, that I have trust issues. What? Where did that come from? Now I know. Every time I get too close to the truth, this was his tactic. Looking back now I understand all the blaming and false accusing at some innocuous suggestions or questions. Those were all of the times that I didn't catch him in the act, but he was just trying to shift the focus on me so I would be convinced to back off. "You really want to meet him? I will bring him straight from the airport then!!!" "No no, that's not it, that's not what I meant! Why are you saying that? I'm sorry, you guys work." He said numerous times that us three will go to dinner, I will bring him over for coffee, these reassuring statements he threw at me constantly, something normal people would never think that someone would say unless the friend was really flying in.
Christmas Day, preparing dinner at home by myself, I had a very bad gut feeling. So I went over to his house without any prior notice. He comes out of the house in PJs, I ask where is your friend, I came to say hi. As I try to get near the door to open and see who is sitting in the living room, the P grabs hold of my shoulders pushes me and says it's a woman, and you need to leave now, we don't want you here. I don't budge, I repeat things like I've been your gf for 3 & 1/2 years, we were going to get married, you don't think I deserve to know? How many women were there? Why did you beg me to come back last year if this was what you were going to do? We spent the Eve together just yesterday and you said we will be together always and you now have someone over? All the while lying to me?
He says he will call the police on me and that "they" don't want to deal with this. He slams the door and locks it behind him.
As I sit in my car in the parking lot, unable to drive home and unable to breathe with all the shaking, he comes out and knocks on my window. I ignore and keep talking to my friend on the phone, another car approaches us and at that point I saw him duck behind another car to make sure no one "witnesses" this event. Even while he is ripping my heart in shreds with this chain of events and his behavior, telling me he will call the police, the only thing he could think of was to duck behind the car so he can avoid having any "witnesses." Even more so than the cheating and lying, that ducking behind the car was the most chilling and telling of who he really is. Sane and normal people however cheaters they may be, wouldn't be so rational and selfish and cold and completely devoid of empathy to duck behind the car to avoid being put at the scene of the "crime." I shudder to think that this was the guy I thought I would marry.
It's only been two days since my NC. For a day or two I shouted obscenities at him, accused him of being a sociopath, accused him of everything he had done to me, even threatened that I will expose him at work, that he will fall hard and he will never amount to what he wants to become (a politician! imagine that!), etc. All he could say was "you are mistaken," "it's not what you think it is," "I never cheated on you," "I only wanted to do good by you," "I never meant any harm," "I thought it could work." Also made light of the situation and blamed our relationships, "we were not happy," "I should never have pursued you." Oh yeah, and at some points he told me "he felt alone," and "he is depressed."
I've been reading a lot of materials since, which have helped me to gain some sanity. These are not sane people, so don't expect to dissect everything and try to make sense out it. Don't try to get an honest response out of him because they never will admit to anything. Don't have sentimental feelings about our 3 years together because that was all a lie and a ruse. Everything that he told me that I felt in my gut was off, were indeed lies. He has no morality, empathy, or conscience. He cares and thinks about no one but himself. Everything is a game for him.
Reading many comments from here, I know I was lucky. I almost married him but with this incident I finally saw the reality, I had no kids with him, he did not financially bankrupt me. He stole my sanity, heart, precious years, and mental health, but I got off easy. The first year and second year there was a lot of verbal abuse (bitch, dime a dozen, whore, no good, etc. etc.), but because I fought back each time, I think gradually he thought it was better to lay off of the verbal abuse. So my self-esteem has been restored slowly this last year. So I'm not on the bathroom floor crying hysterically, trying to peel myself off with no motivation. That was the first year. I feel stronger now this third year.
And in part, I know I enabled this situation. I am that super-trait person, that endlessly forgives, forgets, cooperates, emphasizes, trusts, and loyal. The book I'm reading states that bc the Ps are so low on that, I was the one who kept working to feel that gap, that huge discrepancy, and kept that relationship going as a normal one. I was the one that went above and beyond for him. I think this is important for me, because without this realization, I will fall into that trap again. As the P is born that way, I am also born this way, and without hard work and conscious effort, I just may fall in to this trap again.
As I sit here by myself at a coffee shop trying to avoid going home at midnight, I know I will be able to implement NC my third day, because I know I will be trashing my sanity once that door is open again. But I can't help but have the blues a little and mourn that relationship that I thought I had.