First of all, I want to say a big thank you to everyone here. I know without a shadow of a doubt what he is now, and I credit this site and you wonderful people with all of your wisdom and insight for that.
BUT - I need a reminder that he hasn't won. The past week I am truly feeling the injustice of it all.
I am really struggling. The man I felt was the love of my life ended up being a lying psychopath. He convinced me we had a great love to rival all the great lovers in history. That we were working towards a life together. I now have to accept that it was nothing more (on his end at least) than a tawdry little affair, easily swept under the rug. I loved him fully and honestly. I believed his pretty words, hook line and sinker. He was my superman and my prince charming. I was his one that got away, the love of his life. He was by no means a passive participant as his wife seems to believe. He told me he wanted to marry me. Looking back now, I see how foolish I was. I know now it was all lies.
I wonder so often if all the while he was saying those things to me if he knew they were lies. I want to believe that some part of him meant them, that I meant something to him.
I hated being the other woman. I know his wife has every reason to hate me. I feel that my pain is less legitimate than hers. I have felt suicidal, depressed, enraged, and devastated by all of this. I have hated myself for not being enough. I play the "If only" game with myself.... if only I were prettier, or thinner or smarter or stronger or less strong or less mouthy, etc. etc. I feel foolish, angry, and embarrassed. I feel like he was laughing at me behind my back. I told him everything, bared my soul to him. Now I see how he used it against me.
I lost my morals, my values, my sense of self, and my self-respect. I beat myself up repeatedly for having an affiar, and he gets off scott-free. His wife blames me and he is rewriting the truth now, telling her it was nothing but sex. This devastates me. I see now that in his Madonna/Whore complex, I was nothing to him but the whore.
But I am not a whore. I am a good, kind woman who was deeply unhappy. He seduced me, and brought me to life again.
I wonder all the time what else he has told her. I am not a jealous, clingy, crazy, or irrational person. But in the end I was all of those things. I want to believe that I walked away and kept my dignity, but the truth is that his devaluing of me had so sharply increased to the point that I had no choice. He was openly and flagrantly being an abusive jerk. I know that he wanted me to end things. Much easier on him. The fact that I didn't end the sexual relationship even as his mental abuse escalated makes me sick now.
My side of it was real, honest, and loving. I remember all the little things I did for him, to make him feel loved and special. In the end of course they meant nothing to him. I do not want him anymore. The man I loved doesn't exist. This "man" didn't even care enough about me to end things like a decent human being would have. He ran like a coward. I do not want a man who would deny me. I do not want or respect someone who could minimize me this way. I know in my heart he is a psychopath, so why does it hurt so bad to hear I meant nothing to him?
He lied to me and he lied to her. He cut me from his life without another word when I told him I was done. No closure, no explanations, no humanity. He is still lying to her, and I have no doubt he is starting to believe his own lies. She has taken him back and now they are in marriage counseling. Big deal. He will lie to the counselor and turn on the charm. He gets to keep his cushy life, his house, his cars, his stuff. I am struggling every day. I fail to see how he loses.
Thanks, I know this is a rant, and I'm sorry for the length. I need strength and encouragment today.