Thank goodness for this site! I have recently come out of an 18 month relationship with someone and it has been unlike any other relationship I have ever had end. Coming out of this one left me feeling like I had just spent months in a combat zone/prisoner of war camp. I lost loads of weight, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was constantly anxious/on high alert, couldn't control my emotions, racing heartbeat, traumatised and seriously questioning my mental health.
We met through work circles and we clicked at a social event, after which we started emailing and she was funny and sparkly and good fun and I thought I had found a new friend. My brother took his own life on Boxing Day of that year, I returned to Australia at short notice and was away for a few weeks. Upon my return I had to attend an event at her work and I was, understandably, very low and visibly exhibiting the signs of my grief-stricken state. I confided in her about my brothers death and she took to emailing and texting me far more regularly and organising drinks and social catch ups.
And so it commenced and it was initially heady and romantic and I began to wonder whether this was what things were meant to be like... We spent all of our non work time together and she called me and emailed me at work numerous times a day - 'I love you, I love you, I am addicted to telling you I love you.' What a deep connection. The ex seemed sweet, sincere, emotional and open. She regaled me stories about a previous relationship where her ex had hounded them when they broke up and told me worries she had about her family members – which I bought. I remember one night writing a note on a napkin for her stating ‘trust me – it will all be ok x’, which she then carried in her purse.
I sincerely began to have feelings for her. She would speak often about exes, people interested in her, always shared every single compliment she received to promote her attractiveness and adoration. At this stage I thought she was wonderful, so why wouldn't others? I didn't initially think this pattern was disturbing, I felt secure and didn't really buy into it. Over time I began to have a nagging sense that something wasn't right, but dismissed this as probably being related to my grief.
Soon enough though the 'chip-chip' began and I could do no right, didn’t look right, didn’t dress right, didn’t eat right. Any enjoyment of my job had to be disparaged as it was a sign that I thought I was accomplished or special. When she refused to pay her landlord owed money and was kicked out, she expected to move in. Requests for time apart were met with tantrums and tears, I was instructed to email any significant females in my life to advise them I could no longer be in touch with them and any perceived transgression was worthy of a self righteous tirade – even in front of my colleagues and bosses (but never her friends or colleagues). She was suddenly always looking for 'transgressions'. Everything was about her. She was never wrong. I was always wrong. Anything she did or gave me was conditional (she once returned from a trip and told me she had something for me but would give it to me when I behaved in a way that deserved it).
Control, control, control. Drama, drama, drama. She would correct me in front of friends, pick snide fights when we were out with others - which, not liking to be confrontational in public I would walk off from - which neatly allowed her to use this to illustrate how unreasonable/unstable/intolerable I was. If I spoke when we were out with friends I would later be chastised as 'that is her story to tell' or told I was to remember that they were her friends. I was even told to continue eating my dinner when I had had enough, as she had noted that I always stopped eating when she did. But apparently I was the control freak, bully. The eggshells I was walking on - ALL OF THE TIME.
A major turning point for me was when her father came to visit. While he was a lovely man and obviously well aware of his daughter's behaviour, he too seemed to walk on eggshells around her. There were occasions when he 'called her' on her open, harsh criticism of me and her need to relay to all and sundry that even the man who sold her an orange juice that morning had told her how beautiful she was. He commenetd on how she would relay, judge and show disdain for others' behaviour, for example after a boozy night out, and remark on how convenient it was that she was apparently the only one sober enough to remember these events. Sadly these remarks were met with tears, tantrums and the silent treatment and I watched him clamour to make amends with her and smooth the waters...
But in a way - hallelujah! It wasn't just me she behaved this way towards or who had caused her to behave like this (as she would have had me and probably still has others believing). In a way, while I still didn't recognise the extent of what was going on, I knew I wasn't completely alone, I started to listen to my gut again a little and take a bit more of a stand. Of course, the gaslighting increased and the discard commenced. And believe you me, this knowledge did little to buffer me from the excruciating anguish of that...
From not just no longer feeling loved, to quite simply feeling unloveable.
Her timing was brilliant - and I am not sure wasn't chosen specifically for maximum drama/effect - as I was commencing a huge, 3 week work project working 14 - 16 hour days. Her insidious remarks increased, she was nasty. Silence to me but texting my friends and colleagues to say that whatever happened she would always love them. When I pushed for a conversation to resolve it , she refused and kept the line of 'I will speak to you when I am ready to speak to you, I am not speaking to you while you're in this state' up for a full 3 weeks. She even came in and worked on the project (to make some extra money) and was sparkly and light to everyone else and either completely ignored or showed total disdain of me. I meanwhile, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and was starting to unravel. In the end I pushed for an answer, got what I knew was coming and was told how she just couldn't handle me or my behaviour anymore. Classic traingulation - her boss, her friends gathered around, the new person lined up - and me hearing about how they had all discussed how unhealthy the relationship was and how she deserved better. Of course, no regard for my feelings or the relationship that was. Instead everyone - except me -needed to know what's going on. This relationship and it's ending no longer had anything to do with me - I was just a bit player, end scene, exit stage left, my character will be referenced in future scenes to pad out her storyline though...
All the while (and still) she was the epitome of cool, calm, collected, superior and sanctimonious.
When I suggested she move, she refused and things got heated, I shoved her, she shoved me back and when I fell was then told that 'I had done that to myself.' I was incredibly exhausted and upset and stated that I did not know what was happening. Cue her calling my sister and mum in oz to infer I was crazy and suicidal. Just what a family who has lost someone from suicide wants to hear! I went home for a couple of weeks to oz to remove myself and she stayed in the flat. It's apparently too much hassle for her to move and she will cite the fact that we are both on the lease. I have been told that she has discussed with others how I have lost a lot - my bro, my family ever being the same and now her, someone I loved. Of course none of my upset is to do with her or the end of the relationship, but is about my unresolved grief.
8 weeks out of the discard and they are already firmly with someone else– who I know as well – in fact she gave me a dressing down and insinuated I was a liar in front of this person on the last occasion we all met. (Ie: message to targeted new supply – see – 'look at what I have to endure, this person means nothing to me.') She remains in the flat with me at the moment (too inconvenient for them to leave, we are both on the lease and wouldn’t I rather live with them than a stranger?{errr no…}) but spends a large amount of time with the new supply and her friends who are providing her – and I quote – with some people to ‘lean on.’
The truth is, post the discard, I have at times acted like a crazy creature, snooped, read emails, lost my temper and said things I wouldn’t ordinarily have. Essentially handed the ex enough ammo on a platter to sink me. It is hard to explain any of what has gone before to other people. You do feel like it’s you that is crazy and have caused all the issues.
The only benefit from my snooping is confirmation of her MO. Already the ex has a note from the new supply, in their wallet purse saying simply ‘trust me – it will all be okay x.’
I am as NC as I can be at this stage while there are still some necessary logistical stuff re: the flat to sort out. I avoid her as much as I can (which thankfully is a lot as she is peddling her victim tale and has someone new and her fan club to provide her with shelter and sympathy) and have not entered into any personal/relationship conversation with her for weeks. However, it only takes for her name to appear in my inbox and, despite being stronger, I am propelled into that fight/flight response and feel sick.