We'll just as the title suggests, where do I start! And when does the hurting end.
I guess I should tell you a little bit about myself, you'll have to excuse me if I waffle on I've never done anything like this before. But hey what can it hurt.
I'm a 34 single mother with two amazing boys, I've been involved (on and off and on and off) for the past 6 years with a man I initially thought was my absolute soulmate. My marriage had just broken down and I was running a bar and hotel in a small town bringing up the kids and running the business alone. D came into my life as he began working for me, initially we became close as friends and it moved quite fast into something more, he was my rock at a painful and difficult time, and me his. He had recently moved back with his mother and step father after pretty much losing everything, wife kids home etc.
D was extremely attentive, everything I could of wanted fantastic with the kids, and so supportive and understanding of the troubles I was having with my alcoholic ex husband. He confided in me about his past ex wife with two children that he wasn't allowed to see, he admitted that he had been no angel in the relationship and that he had once hit his ex wife for beating his son. And that his wife had an injunction out against him. This I know now should of been my first red flag.
He had, had a difficult upbringing, taken into care as his step father used to beat him, he said it was the happiest years of his life being in foster care and at 16 joined the army. He told me of being so terrified as a young lad that his step father was going to kill him, he had held him by the legs over a cliff and threatened to drop him. God even now I sound like I'm making excuses for the man he has become.
i don't think I've ever seen felt or heard of such a volatile passionate crazy relationship as the one we have had, I'm not in any way blameless. His first eruption was quite early on in the relationship because he'd asked to come round and I said can we leave it until the following night, he erupted, calling me every name under the sun, accusing me of having some other man around and eventually coming up and trying to kick in my door. I broke things off straight away but after a couple of weeks of apologies excuses and generally begging I gave in and decided that I would give things another go as he was under a lot of pressure at the time too.
Things obviously got worse, I'll cut it down as I'd be here all night. I've moved town, lost friends, my family stopped speaking to me because I kept taking him back. He put me on such a high pedestal and telling me he'd never loved anyone like me before I let him move in with me, and it was sheer hell. I felt like I was walking on egg shells every day, I couldn't talk to anyone without him knowing, even girl friends he had to be there. He was paranoid and jealous about every man I knew, even one of my gay best friends, his excuse being (he wasn't always gay). He'd integrated himself into my circle of friends in this town and he liked to give off the impression we had the perfect life, he looked after himself went to the gym everyday and dressed impeccably, fancy car the lot. It all came to a head 2 days before Xmas when he blew up at my work and got himself arrested. The following day I collapsed with a ruptured Fallopian tube from an ectopic pregnancy and very nearly died, did this matter to him no no, he was more interested in getting his belongings from my house, texting me all the while I was in hospital.
Finally he admitted to having been on steroids, and over a week or so while he was away with work I began softening. My family had come back into my life over this period and obviously weren't impressed, neither was my oldest son (12 at the time). I didn't listen I took him back he promised he would begin cognitive therapy and he'd never touch steroids again.
it didn't last long, I put him out of the house again after another violent outburst. For the following 6 months he practically stalked my every move, accusing me of sleeping with any man possible. He would turn up at my house and threaten to kick the door in, he constantly kept tabs on me and if I didn't answer a call or text message I was automatically sleeping or spending time with another man. I was a nervous wreck I loved this man entirely I excused all this behaviour on his insecurities and the way he had been brought up. I made excuses for him (to myself) and the very few people that knew what was going on that he was seeking help and we'd get through it. Well how stupid was I, it all eventually came out he had being seeing another girl for months and was now onto his 3rd one (the first one decided to send me a message to inform me). I never in a thousand years thought he would cheat on me, devastated was not the word. I've been a wreck for nigh on 2 years now with this on/off, I'm sorry it was the steroids, it wasn't me, your the only person that knows the real me carry on.
We've been back and fore together keeping it under wraps so my family didn't disown me again. I've hidden it from my kids, as I wanted to know there were some real changes in him before I could ever take him back into there lives, and surprise surprise I get unceremoniously dumped today because I dared ask if he was still in touch with his ex. I feel crazy, lost hurt and completely betrayed by him. I'm so paranoid about everything, I find it hard to go into town shopping in case I bang into one of the women he had been seeing. I've cut myself off from friends my family know nothing and if any of them did I'm pretty sure they cart me off to be sectioned, for loving a man that when the fancy takes him I'm very down trodden whore under the sun because of some crazy elaborate story he's made up in his head.
Im sure this sounds all mixed up and hard to read, I haven't touched on half of the things that have gone on.
I know the answers to most of my questions apart from.... Why do I still love him, how do I stop. It's affecting very single thing in my life, my work, health and sanity. I used to be such a strong confident person, I don't even know who I am anymore.
If you've gotten this far into my ramble thanks for listening, and any advice would be appreciated .