I hope the length of this post doesn't draw people away, that it might help others like so many posts on this website have helped me find clarity in the many weeks before today - when I finally joined.
I have been researching and analyzing for many months to try and come to a different conclusion than 'he is a pyschopath,' but upon finding this website, taking the quiz (and feeling numb seeing the results), reading almost every article on here until the wee hours of the morning, and finally accepting... I realize there is no other explanation for the nightmare I've been going through for the past year and a half.
I have just lost my job, one that I fought for, was passionate about and proud of, and one that kept me living happily in the city of my dreams. I'm living the rest of this summer far away just to get out. I'm packing up my things in my apartment because I can't bear the idea of going back there - too many horrible memories; too much heartbreak... too much of everything bad. I attribute my lack of focus on the job this past year+ to a 'relationship' that was such a roller coaster I was never able to work at my typical high performance, even when things were at their best. I think back on the month before I met him and I feel desperate for that person I was - naiive and excited, ready to take on more challenges in my life. I had no idea what I was in for!
I had been single, or just dating casually, for over 2 years after a previous very serious relationship of 4 years (that relationship was healthy and positive - I had never faced abuse before). I took much needed time to recover from that. I had done the therapy, completed marathons, made new friends, and grown in strength. I was ready to meet someone new! So I joined a dating website that a few of my friends had met their significant others on (some of them are now engaged or married). I was wary of online dating sites, but my main goal was just to get back out there. I went on dates, some that led to another date, some that were just the one time - I was enjoying the experience and having fun.
One night, I received a message from M (I of course won't give him a real name here), a dark and handsome, exotic-looking man a year younger than me. The message was innocent, something about the 100-mile bike ride I wrote about completing in my profile (a ride for a charity I participate in each year). I was relieved to see a 'normal' message among so many oddball/ perverted ones I received from others on that site. Through the chat feature, M and I struck up a conversation and I discovered he too liked to bike, travel, and many other things I loved. He had a very similar sense of humor to me, and our conversation lasted well into the night. He asked me out for that weekend, which I agreed to. We talked throughout the whole next day and he asked me if I'd be willing to meet even sooner - a drink that night perhaps?
I had a weird feeling about it, but once I discovered he lived right around the corner from me in my own neighborhood (a fact which has ruined my life since), I agreed to a drink later that evening. I felt nervous all day but hoped for the best.
When I met him, there was an instant attraction. We talked for hours and he told me about the charity work HE had done. He told me about how he went to an Ivy League after growing up with very little money, showed me pictures from his amazing travels, and seemed passionately romantic as he described having his palm read in Thailand and being told he'd 'meet the love of his life this year.' He seemed a little edgy, with a sensitive side, was in amazing shape, described taking care of his family (something that melted my heart), and he seemed 100% sure of me as someone he wanted. He asked me that very night if I would go to Cancun with him for a wedding of one of his friends - and, completely out of character for me, I was so swept away by how fun our conversation was and how comfortable I already felt with him, that I said I'd love to. He told me he liked me, and kissed me, and I felt sparks I had not felt since I was 16 and it was my first boyfriend.
Those first weeks of our 'relationship' were the most incredible weeks I'd ever had with a boyfriend of any kind. One thing that I remember making me nervous (and I now understand clearly) was how quickly he pushed me to have sex. It was only our second date, but we had spent the entire day together and I had opened up to him about things I hadn't told any guy so quickly. At the time, I was mourning the sudden death of my cousin, who was like a big brother to me, and I told M while we were waiting for my friends. He kissed me and told me he had never met someone so strong. He told me had a problem with PDA usually, but that I made him want to hold and kiss me for everyone to see. I felt like we were on the same page - already falling in love with each other and secure in this budding relationship. That night, back at his apartment, I kept telling him I wanted to wait to sleep with him, because I only slept with people I was committed to, and his response was "I think we should be together." This commitment + his persistent urging led me to sleeping with him --- something he later brought up constantly whenever we were together as a source of pride. "Remember when you didn't want to have sex but I convinced you???" To which he would laugh heartily while I cringed.
M sped things up a lot after that. He was coming over constantly, texting me every morning to call me beautiful or 'cutie.' But little red flags started popping up everywhere. After being so attentive and even a little clingy, he randomly stood me up for a date one weekend. I started noticing inconsistencies in his stories. He once had admitted to cheating on an ex, but changed the story later on to her cheating on HIM. He admitted he'd had a history of violence, having been arrested as a kid for beating someone up with a skateboard. I never actually SAW him lose his temper in person, but I could tell if pushed too far he'd be a force to be reckoned with. He would frequently forget things I'd told him - major details like my birthday, which he'd even commented on (early on, he had liked the fact that our birthdays are almost in the same month), or what my weekend job was, which I'd told him repeatedly. He frequently waffled on whether or not we were exclusive, even though he'd said from the start we were together/ committed. He would see me all week long and make huge comments about us having kids one day (which weirded me out at month 2!!), but then he'd go partying all weekend and hint to other women hitting on him.
There were other women 'involved' almost right away, in a way I didn't pick up on as an obvious threat until I was in over my head. One weekend he bombarded me with a story about how he had run into his ex at his high school reunion the night before, and she and 2 other girls (I believe he said 'two black girls' - he was extremely racist and it bothered me the entire time we dated) had tried to hook up with him. He was very distraught by his ex, whom he had always warned me was 'crazy' - apparently she had 'cornered him' while he tried to make sure she had enough water since she was too drunk, and she started attacking him about who he was dating, etc. That entire week, whenever I would see him, he was devastated by his horrible ex who had said these things to him that shattered his ego. He cried on my shoulder (I didn't see tears, but he went through the motions so obviously that I thought he was crying and hugged him tightly), and spent full nights beside me feeling 'comforted' because I was such a better woman than she had been. He had told me how she was evil, how she'd cheated on him after he fought for his family to accept her. I was, frankly, concerned for his safety after hearing these stories and seeing him so fragile, but I felt like at least he and I were getting closer.
Things deteriorated insidiously over the months. We were very close, and spending ample amounts of time together, but little things didn't add up. When I asked for a firm exclusivity agreement months in and he said he still wasn't ready, my punishment was three days of barely speaking to me, and when he did, via text,everything was cryptic and depressed. He said "This is always how my relationships end." and let me believe we were broken up for days before coming over and assuring me he just needed to think (He had gotten me to back off from my need for exclusivity in doing this). We, I think, 'agreed' that we weren't sleeping with other people and I was okay with this as long as we swore to let each other know if that was about to change.
He went back and forth with me for months - getting close to me, telling me he'd never felt love like this before,and then pulling away and standing me up randomly for a week or two at a time. He stopped holding my hand in public, and started rushing me out the door in the morning. We broke up and made up so many times my head was spinning all summer. I discovered he dealt and used drugs I had no idea he did - he had smoked pot in front of me before and told me that maybe 'once or twice a year' he did ecstasy and molly, but one day I accidentally stumbled upon a 'stash' of drugs he had in the side of his closet, and when I asked what was in there he responded 'Drugs.' He made references to LSD, cocaine, etc, but when I said "Are you serious? You have those in there??" He laughed and said "nah, just ecstasy and stuff." I broke up with him after that, (this was the first breakup), and he came back the next week promising a higher level of commitment, and assuring me he was joking about the other drugs and hardly did anything but smoke pot. I believed him. In person, honestly, he could've convinced me of anything.
He had introduced me to friends and family, and we were friends on Instagram, but he never would be facebook friends with me. When I asked about this, and why I felt like in general I was hardly included in anything in his life (I was never his date for any occasions, he would have gatherings at his apt but not invite me, etc.) he said he had been too badly burned in his past and that he wanted to wait. It confused me horribly because in the meantime, he had driven with me for a weekend to meet my entire family; eager to bond with my older sister whom I'd told him so much about. He was more than willing to be friends with my friends, bond with my siblings and become an integral part of my life...but I still have a feeling many people in his life never even knew about me, and he'll pretend I didn't exist if he's asked.
Things got very dark over the fall and winter. One weekend while he was away, I received an email from someone pretending to be my sister, warning me that I was not the only woman in his life. I told him, surprised and worried, and his responses were awful. He was annoyed I was 'accusing him' (which I wasn't - I was simply telling him, because it was weird and I felt he had a right to know). He then went on to tell me that there were 'tons of crazy girls in love with him' and 'was I surprised???" Obviously, this pissed me off, but I tried to diffuse the situation by saying 'I guess I just need to up my game.' That weekend, however, was a disaster. He started drunk texting me, telling me how he wanted to smack me sometimes because I was 'so crazy.' We started sexting at one point, which I thought was at least a nice change of convo, but then he texted me a picture of himself at the game he was attending, with girls draped all over him. There were easily 8 girls surrounding him in this pic, with one girl literally in his arms and his arm around her waist. I was attending a party at this point in the night and asked if he was trying to make me jealous. He laughed at this and said 'no.' But I was so fed up at this point that I berated him via text, confused and angry. That night he called me, drunk, and yelled at me that I made a huge mistake by accusing him of cheating on me with the email thing. It got to the point of him completely talking over me before I said I had to go, and hung up the phone. Then he texted me that we were done and he doesn't talk to people who hang up on him. When he came back, I broke up with him again, exhausted by the roller coaster. While breaking things off, he told me 'this is why I never include you in my life - you snoop and pry into my life.' I had never snooped or pried, but having any insecurity about his behavior made me worthless. I told him to leave me alone and expected that to be the last I heard from him.
About a week later, I woke up one morning to a series of texts from him called me a psychopath, accusing me of messaging girl friends of his on Instagram. At this point, I had unfollowed him on Instagram so that I could heal and move on, but according to him, someone with my name had 'direct messaged' a girl friend (whom he was probably seeing while with me), telling them he was a player. He was so enraged and belligerent, that it terrified me and I also worried for my own online security. I asked him to please give me the details so I could report it, and he responded that his friend (who'd received the messages) had deleted them, so no one had them anymore. Then he apologized for having accused me. He told me he had a theory about what had happened after investigating, and that he wanted to fill me in but in person - not via text. He came to my apartment and with tears in his eyes, told me a story about how his ex had somehow hacked his phone AND computer, and was messaging everyone. He said she had messaged other girls the same things she messaged me about there being other women in his life. He told me (I'll never forget this) "If it weren't for her, you and I would never have broken up..."
I judge myself for the fact that this move got me back with him, again. But this time, he was close to me only to pull away sharply the very next week. I thought he and I had this huge reunion, and thought "well maybe he really was so confusing over the past year because of his ex", that I wanted to give it a real clean slate. But things were officially broken. I knew in my gut I didn't know the whole story but I was so desperate at this point for the love I would feel from him when we were in person that I didn't listen. He never texted anything sweet anymore - in fact, when he texted me it was almost like a business transaction. He would ignore me completely. When we were in person he made comments about how it was like I was his 'possession' and that I was 'very beautiful - like a trophy girlfriend.' He made a repeated joke about how soon he would have to 'start beating me.' All passed off as 'jokes' that left me feeling dirty and wrong. He told me he needed space to 'deal with the ex issue' and that he wanted me to stop texting until he got his 'new number'. Confused and hurt, I would leave him alone for full weeks at a time, wondering what I'd done to deserve it.
Then, just before Christmas, he was going to go away for a two week long trip overseas. Before he left, he came to spend the night with me, and I asked him what we were, noting that we were only seeing each other once every week or two and I was hardly hearing from him in between. He said he was just busy, and that he felt like after all we'd been through he wanted to be cautious, so I told him to think it over while he was away. I wanted more security. He said he loved me more than anyone -that he felt like we were soul mates. I asked who he was traveling with and he said 'I'll be third-wheeling it the entire time - I'm traveling with a couple.'
Imagine my shock when I went to try to add him on Facebook the next week, thinking surely we were ready for that step after 7 months, and found out he was on this trip with a girl I'd seen show up in countless pictures with him on Instagram, and had thought he was cheating with the entire time we were dating. I sobbed my way through Christmas and New Years' Eve. He returned from the trip and took me out to dinner with a gift for me, telling me the entire time he missed me and wished I was there with him, and that he loved me very much. Then I asked him who he was with. He repeated the same lies, with absolutely no blinking or hesitation. He showed me pics of the couple he was with (none including the girl). Finally I gave up and said "When I tried to Facebook friend you, I saw on your Facebook that you were with a girl." He flipped into angry, said "yeah, you snooped. I knew you knew. This is why I don't tell you anything about my friends." He insisted she was just a friend but that he knew I would assume the worst and went as far as to say "It's easier to lie in these situations than hurt someone." We broke up the end of that week, right on my birthday.
For the last few months, it was a power struggle. He would show up on my same train on the way home from work, and I'd get swept in to another romance (basically just a friend with benefits situation I didn't actually want) for a week or two before realizing he was still playing games. He asked me to go on a trip with him, only to take it back a few days later. When I told him I am going to a city in Europe for a job this summer, he laughed and told me he's going to be there too (what!?) coincidentally, with no mention of wanting to see me while he's there. The former me - who would NEVER let someone treat me this way and certainly had never been cheated on or lied to before like this - was weak to his power every time. It wasn't until one day, after three weeks of him blowing me off yet again, that I realized I was completely done. This was only a week ago, I'm ashamed to admit, and after receiving 1AM booty texts all week when I was asking if we could have a civil, friendly conversation outdoors somewhere, I finally emailed him that I'll no longer be involved with him anymore, and blocked his number.
So, here I am. Raw, feeling very damaged, but starting over. I just thought this would be the best place to start.
Bless you if you read all this..... =)