Ok so after getting sucked back in and buying his BS about having borderline personality disorder and the tears etc etc - out of the blue he sends a text (he is still living 4 hours away so have not actually seen each other since the last incident) well the text said "I can't love, I have never loved anything" so I accept this go through my usual two days of feeling crap and nc then he calls me as HE wants to talk about how he's pissed off that he has discovered his ex is pregnant - tbh I was shocked, I thought after he finally admitted it that would be the end of it, he stated that he only said that as I put words in his mouth and have been going on so long about him being a P that he told me what I wanted to hear - anyway cutting a long story short, very little communication with him admitting his a covert narcissist also - me in my usual pathetic denial of let's help him mode and getting subjected to all manor of verbal abuse and confessions of hate for me and how he will start sending me pics of his new gf etc alternating with loving me etc and basically 100% detachment - a total stranger. He cut all contact, I agreed. Then last weds I get a msg out the blue saying "you don't know me do you lol - I don't need anyone!" This was the very thing that finally woke me up and it's like I was thrown back to reality - and it pretty much knocked me off my feet - I realised I have been in denial this whole time since realising what he was and cut all contact - I went to hospital on Thursday as something went severely wrong with my thinking and I just couldn't stop crying - the depression has been building for months and they have referred me for therapy and put on anti d - I see now that I just hung on to this - whatever it was, because I didn't want to face the truth, and even though I have known for months and thought I was in control of myself and had accepted it - I really hadn't - I have also been going down this route with him as after my husband left me last year - he started with his chaos and brainwashing straight away so I never really come to terms with my 12 year marriage ending and I didn't want to face that either as the Ps reality although crazy and hurtful was not anywhere near as hurtful and devastating as stepping in to MY reality - I wasn't even aware that that is what I was doing. I chose to live in lala land than actually face my life and my future with my kids alone. I am so very depressed, I just don't feel I will ever come to terms with someone playing games so cruelly with no benefit to them but entertainment. My ex husband was a narcissist anyway as I have come to realise and the P knew I wasn't treated well at all and he just saw this as someone had already done half his job for him - I feel sick about the last 13 years of my life - I'm so weak. I feel like my ex husband was right and that I don't know how to be a good mother. Everything feels so hopeless and pointless and I just don't want to be here anymore but I know I have to be for my children - I feel totally trapped.