The past year has been very traumatic for me. This person actually scares me now because numerous times he demonstrated through his actions that he doesn't care for my physical or mental well being to the point of seeming to want to drive me to commit suicide just to keep his cover and not being "found out". He failed - his own very public actions demonstrated to his own family/peers that he is disordered and he's still in denial. I'm alive, and surviving, and will survive - his attempt to "destroy" me failed.
I met him through a shared hobby online. It was recently made very clear through his own behavior/actions that he is a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath. As I have learned since the brutal & abrupt devalue/discard, subsequent smear campaign (accusations of me being bipolar/crazy, simply for displaying emotions that I have since come to learn he himself doesn't even feel deeply, if at all or having the audacity to get upset), his entire personality as I and others "know" him is basically a fraud.
To cut to the chase, I had what started out as an online, long distance affair with this person, but because I was not aware of what he really was at the time of my involvement with him, I was actually on the verge of LEAVING my partner for this person - to the point where I was trying to secure a way to go meet this person IRL (actually plan/purchase plane tickets after informing my partner.) My partner was literally prepared to let me go, thinking I might be happier with this person, and sadly, at the time, neither he nor I knew the truth of what this person really was.
The entire long distance relationship was predicated on a lie - the narcissist's lie because the "person" I fell for, was an illusion - a warped (though clever) version of me (he mirrored me to insane/creepy levels) mixed with his false self (there are actually some things about his false self irrespective of his mirroring me that I liked or found interesting...sadly that even isn't really him - it's all pretend.)
My partner (who is still in my life and actually looks out for my physical/mental well being beyond what I can do for him or give to him) and I have been together several years, though there was a rift in our relationship due to stress/neglect (work/money issues, loneliness...we have since worked these issues out and are stronger than ever before - nothing will ever come between us again). This one incident was the only ever serious "break" in my relationship with my partner - I now realize WHY it was the only ever real "break".
I am a rather idealistic person and I have NEVER cheated on any long term partner I have ever had in my entire life - when I realized how I felt about this online person, I informed my partner and was taking steps to plan to separate from him. This entire LDR/online involvement would not have even happened had I not been mirrored and/or love bombed to the degree that I was. I fell for the narcissist's manipulations/mirroring hook, line, and sinker and it almost killed me - all because I'm a romantic person. Basically I was a sucker - he knew it and took full advantage. I think on some level he viewed me as a possession or prize or trophy to "win" or "steal" from my partner. (Aka. "she loves ME enough to leave HIM"...but of course, when things were on the verge of becoming "real" that is where the narcissist exited).
As a result of my whopping 4 month (yeah long time right?) involvement with this person, I'm now dealing with post traumatic stress including a hemmorhoid, and other physical issues (digestive/sleep) on top of depression and anxiety.
I shared with this person very vulnerable things about myself because I trusted him. I myself am codependent and was set up to please others or look after others in childhood by my own parents. I also suffer from general anxiety and depression - he knew this, but once he had another online woman/supply source lined up, all the empathy for even my very basic life disappeared.
I think he actually wanted me dead/to commit suicide because I caused narcissistic injuries to him (told him that I knew he had some sort of disorders(s) and I thought he should get help. Made the cardinal "sin" of telling him I loved him and I wanted him to have a good future...apparently you can't actually "love" these people...they will "punish/destroy" you for that.)
At the time of the discard (or what may have caused the discard), I told him that I thought he was selfish, cruel, narcissistic, and lacked empathy - the lack of empathy was so severe and so glaring that I was aghast...the "nice" "shy" guy he was in the beginning was completely gone. In his place was a sadist. Naturally he proceeded to project at me, and engage in gaslighting, then began the smear campaign of me being crazy/bipolar/who knows what else. I do actually suffer from depression but it's not actual bipolar disorder (I do not suffer from hallucinations or manic states...just melancholy or "moping").
I have no idea what happened with the replacement woman (who btw is nothing like me - completely different ethnicity, different type of lifestyle/life experiences, different interests (which he mirrored of course), you name it...anyone basically attractive who has a pulse and pays him any smidgeon of positive attention will do) - I'm sure he told her all sorts of things about me, and that's fine because whatever he says is a ploy to cover his own actions/behaviors, but she is no longer in the picture. How do I know this? He tried to hoover me several times via an online forum related to the shared interest that I have since had to completely give up because of him. I had to make changes to my online activities all because of him.
Either he discarded her as well or she wised up and got away from him before his toxic cycle could get off the ground. I actually worried for her because I think she was used to "punish" me for defying him (triangulating), finding him out/unmasking him, and basically not being compliant or not functioning the way he wanted me to (I stopped being "good" supply and was finally on to his games.) She isn't my responsibility but it bothers me that a completely innocent, third person was brought in just to hurt me and supply him - no regard for her as a human being at all. I figured his behaviors are such that he can't cover them up or perform before the mask slips with her/anyone else.
This is what occurred. My nature is rather friendly - I like to chit chat with people and make friends. Upon meeting him online, I realize now that at the beginning he listened and listened and I did most or almost all of the talking during the get to know/befriending process. He never actually asked me real questions about myself - I shared things about myself and was having to ask him questions about himself - I don't think he actually cared to know things about me or wanted to know things about me - I was literally just supply. He falls back on being "shy" or socially anxious as an excuse for literally everything - to get out of any kind of responsibility for the social situations he is involved in, to the point where the other person ends up doing all of the work or is forced/coerced/manuevered to take responsibility for everything whether good or bad (a convenient way out of any accountability for him). During this time he pretty much gleaned everything about me that I stupidly revealed in the getting to know process because I trusted him too easily and was able to use those things against me later to manipulate me or manuever me to get what he wanted - my total submission despite being a rather confident female (of course that aspect of myself was also bit by bit hijacked and taken apart), along with online sexual activities that were done on my part because I loved the pretend person/mirroring he presented to me. I loved him - the "him" that I thought he was, the cute/shy "soul mate" he pretended to be to me, which obviously is very false.
He mirrored my interests, what I may have indirectly/directly revealed about what I look for in a companion, my deepest desires, etc etc. on top of being love bombed (songs, little virtual gifts and other actions tailored to gain my affections and trust). Long story short, I was manipulated and led to believe that he was my long lost soul mate. I found myself thinking "Why haven't I met this person before? He is just like me..."
Well if something is too good to be true, it usually is. A lesson that I have now learned the traumatic way.
He was very charming to me - I was vulnerable, and naive. His "false self" is basically a shy, nice guy - this is what the people in his life (family/friends) know him as. I've since been informed that it is entirely possible he has been "acting" or "pretending" his entire life - it is unknown as to when in his life he started the pretense. I do not know what caused it or if he was always just like that.
I didn't cause his disorder(s), I can't cure them, and he was like this long before he met me and will be like this long after me. It could be AVPD mixed with NPD and/or ASPD - there will never be any way to know since everyone else who comes into contact with him on any close level ends up going to therapy instead of him.
Red flag: He told me both his parents and his younger sister who live with him all see a psychiatrist and are on anti-depressants. "I'm the only one who doesn't see a doctor or take any medication" is what he said. When asked why he doesn't try to see a psychiatrist (he has health insurance), he would want to change the subject or discount even discussing any personal issues on his part.
At this point I actually do feel pity for him, because his condition(s) will cause him to repeat the same destructive cycle no matter who he gets involved with, regardless of where/when/whom, and it is obvious he has issues with his parents that he is re-creating with women who get pulled into his web.
Our relationship was filled with arguments that never got resolved because he would throw tantrums during any disagreement no matter how minor and literally storm off/log off or do the silent treatment for hours and hours on end. We were never able to resolve the conflicts because upon reinitiating communication, he would basically get angry at me for having feelings/crying/being upset (the audacity of getting upset at all...just supposed to be happy/compliant all the time...be a good supply) and force me into a position where I had to just drop the issue(s) aka. I had to behave like a good toy. Well needless to say a mountain began to build under the rug from too much being dropped or ignored, at the cost of my health in all areas.
He points the finger at others being emotional/"hysterical"/"crazy"/"bipolar" and is completely unaware of how his own behaviors/brutal insensitivity/lack of empathy contributes to or provokes people's emotions/reactions (or he is aware and enjoys screwing with people...). Can't handle any criticism no matter how constructive or even if people want to help him or give him any advice because they are straight up worried about him or heaven forbid actually care about him or love him, he will rage at you or lash out to an insane degree. Anytime I had to attend to myself because of my own health whether physical/mental, or my feelings, he would turn things around so the conversation was frequently me attending to him, having to reassure his fragile ego, etc etc. At one point I told him I needed to be away from the computer for a few days because of my health and he raged at me - turned the situation around and made me feel guilty. I then gave in and neglected myself and gave in to him, again at the cost of my own health/needs.
Literally no conscience or regard for anyone else.
There was so little emotional support (if any at all, looking back now - I had to literally carry everything for him and myself, with no recourse).
There were so many red flags - I don't even know where to begin but my god, I ignored them or let them all go...because at the time I thought it was just social ineptitude on his part since he kept using that as an excuse for everything under the sun (that is what he tells people, but someone this cunning and manipulative actually has social skills in spades, but he is antisocial so he has to "cover" that somehow and being "shy" is a good cover). Too many things didn't add up that he told me. Said that his family is "close" but he never actually wanted to spend time with them (didn't even eat dinner with them or even watch TV with them or care about their interests or what they were doing at all if it didn't involve anything he himself likes or wants to do, despite living with them) - he isolates himself in his room (still lives with his parents...well beyond college age...never left the room he has lived in since infancy).
He had me compartmentalized - I was never given the opportunity to meet or communicate directly with his family, his only "real life" friend he has known since childhood who for some reason he has not made any effort to spend time with IRL in years (that person only interacts with him online now as well), or his online only "friends" who are almost all female (no words here). I think he wanted to keep me and his involvement/the nature of his involvement with me a secret from the others. Now I know why.
Everything I was told by him may have been all lies either directly or by omission, and as a result of those lies, I operated and proceeded a certain way with this person, under that web of lies. Well naturally when you lie or omit so much, things go to hell pretty fast because you've built up a house of cards. I found myself frustrated and not understanding him, his insane gaslighting, or the situations that were repeatedly happening.
I was subsequently accused of being angry all the time (he can't recognize emotions properly in other people) among other things.
Because of the fact that I'm more outgoing (aka. not antisocial) than he is, it creates a convenient excuse for him to say that I preyed on him simply because he manuevered me into the position where I had to do or initiate everything. His "lure" with his targets is that he is socially inept/shy/down on his luck "nice guy" and his targets (between me and the replacement woman) are usually bubbly/friendly/confident/kind women who make friends easily. That is the perfect cover/situation for an antisocial person. Most women think "Aww, he's just shy, how cute" and are sympathetic or empathetic to his plight and end up wanting to help him and give him a chance. Nice, empathetic women would fall prey to this and have, more than once.
Well naturally I fell prey as well, along with that other woman/my replacement. At a certain point I could no longer excuse his behaviors/actions under social ineptitude. By the time of the horrendous and sadistic discard, it was clear that the person he really is, is that raging, angry, sadist underneath the mask.
I feel pity knowing that unless he gets into therapy, he will continue to predate and/or repeat these horrendous cycles with any woman who comes into contact with him that is vulnerable or targetted in some way.
My "replacement" was a woman who was also long distance from him (thousands of miles away), divorced, with 2 kids...one of whom has special needs. I'm not sure what he was trying to do if anything, but I had no ill will towards her at all. Found myself thinking, "I hope she can be to him what I wasn't able to be" (sincerely this is the end result of my thinking regarding her) before I became informed of what he really is. He actually revealed himself through his own actions and behaviors. The entire idealization of her was done very publicly over Facebook - for myself and his "friends"/"family" to see. She was not compartmentalized/kept a secret like I was, but was instead a very public display...total opposite of what happened with me. Naturally, whatever he did with her didn't pan out either. His parents were aware that I was his "friend", and undoubtedly aware of the replacement woman.
He told me repeatedly he had "never" (used this word a lot) been in a relationship before, but now I'm really doubting that. Who knows how many other victims came before me that were kept a secret from his family/friends.
I think his family/"friends" who have known him for years know that something is amiss, but seem to just walk on eggshells/let it be because they like me realize that there is nothing that can be done.
The only problem is that his lack of self awareness/denial pretty much guarantees that the destruction will continue over and over again. I take the stance that he is mentally ill to an extreme degree that he harms those who get close to him and in doing that, he also harms himself.
He could care less about the financial expenses I spent because of him (gifts I bought thinking I was going to mail them to him - he knew I had gone shopping and was planning to mail him something and acted/pretended right along), and my increased medical costs as a result of even knowing him or even talking to him at all apparently don't matter either.
I wish I never met him now - truly.
I wish I had never talked to or reached out in friendship to this person. Wish I had never run into him.
To put it mildly, the online "situation" he has set up for himself is quite literally a perfect web and lure for the unsuspecting victim to fall into - if they are nice enough and vulnerable enough and able to be manipulated enough, it's a perfect spider web or trap. His online "persona" is the complete opposite of who he really is.
I had to make changes regarding the online hobby where I met him so I could still enjoy the hobby but have no contact with him - this also costed me money - he could care less. The final nail in the coffin after changing usernames and blocking his email, was completely giving up the online forum related to the hobby because that apparently "belongs" to him. I figure he needs that more than I do, although no doubt he will glean future targets that way. Seeing his name is triggering also, so completely avoiding/erasing him and cutting him out completely is the way to go.
After reading through several stories on other posts here, I realize this narcissist's MO is entirely online, long distance relationships. That's all he can pull off. He knows it. It allows him supply with the convenience of not having to be responsible or held accountable for anything. As soon as I brought up any future plans to meet or even just basic future plans, he backed out. By this point I had literally given him every bit of myself psychologically/spiritually/sexually. Total surrender and naturally once he had it all, and I caught on to his game/made him aware I knew or suspected, the discard was abrupt and swift.
Since the replacement supply left or was discarded, he re-idealized me, tried hoovering me before the holidays (what is it about these people and holidays?) by posting triggering love songs that "worked" on me during the initial lovebomb phase (well over a year before the hoovering...he doesn't realize people learn things, grow, and change while he stays the same, and he thinks every single thing I do or say anywhere is about him, even when it has nothing to do with him), then he devalued me over and over again making passive aggressive comments about hypocrisy or "hypocritical" people.
I've been accused of being bipolar, crazy, a hypocrite, alluded to being sexually promiscuous or a slut (I DO NOT believe in, nor engage in casual sex...my actions are based on love and require an insane level of trust/genuine emotional intimacy on my part) more times than I can count. All because I have emotions, am actually capable of getting emotional other than anger/blind seething rage, and he's in denial about his own misogyny or rage at his mother.
It is as though everyone else is supposed to make concessions or adjustments for his own hangups and problems, but when he is politely or even basically asked or expected to have empathy or consideration for other people in his life, it's not possible or the person is "too demanding" or doesn't "accept him as he is".
Over and over and over and over again I heard "Why can't you accept me as I am" or "You don't accept me as I am". It is as if all the time I spent with him, on him, or doing things for him or giving him chances or lowering my expectations (managed down by him of course) is not a sign that I accepted him or was willing to put up with him. Nothing will ever be enough for someone like this. He is a vampire and bottomless pit who takes and takes and takes and preys on "givers" or vulnerable, lonely, empathic, romantic/forgiving women.
Needless to say all of that insanity plus the discard, the being told I'm "perfect" or "amazing" repeatedly even after I told him not to think I was perfect in any way (I actually said that could be unhealthy...yet another red flag I should have paid attention to...replacement woman was told the exact same things, VERY publicly) only to be devalued over and over destroys a person's self esteem. To have all of this occur after I made myself very vulnerable to him in more ways than one literally destroys a person. Perhaps his intention all along because I have traits and can do things that he can't do/feel/get was to destroy me.
So now I'm faced with the conclusion that he wanted to destroy me all along - even if subconsciously. There is no beginning or end to his disorder. I've cut all contact with him because unfortunately, I now will never have any idea who/what I am dealing with or talking to and cannot withstand anymore of his narcissistic rages - my life was endangered by his sadism and will continue to be put at risk.
Nobody else is allowed to be angry except for him. Nobody else is allowed emotions since he doesn't feel them, and apparently any positive emotions or attention are meant ONLY for him.
If he "had" you once - if you were his lover at any point in time, you are always going to be his play thing that he can just return to at any given time.
This could be 10 years from now, I could be married with 3 children just going on and living my life, and he will likely still think he can hoover me using the tactics from years and years ago as if I'd even be the same person or hadn't grown or changed in any way.
It is insane. It is literally psychotic.
If he can't have me, it is like he doesn't want anyone else to have me either.
I'm not a puppet with strings he can just pull and make me dance like he used to be able to do. People change, adapt, move on, etc etc.
The door is shut and it's staying shut for good. The time for my self healing is well at hand and it is time for grown men to take responsibility for themselves and stop expecting some magical, "perfect" woman to come along and "save" him somehow. This goes beyond the Peter Pan and Wendy dilemma...it is sadistic and endangering to people's lives.
I am not a stand-in for his mother or his father (if applicable). Sadly, he has several female online friends and very few (if any) male online friends (competition?) None of that matters.
My partner and I have reconciled, and my partner actually was extremely alarmed at what has happened to the point of being angry that I was preyed upon/taken advantage of in this way. I am actually afraid of this person now. My partner has assured me that no one is going to physically harm me so long as he is around, and in short, he said "this guy is a bully and a coward - he cares more about his own fake "reputation" than anything else".
I can be very naive, and I try to see the best in people, and people with these disorders will take advantage of those traits and take whatever they can - literally pillage whatever they can until you are drained dry - until you have nothing left to give. At one point I actually found myself saying "You've taken everything from me" and there wasn't even a denial on his part. He didn't even try to deny it, because he couldn't. When I told him I loved him and worried for his future, he didn't even reciprocrate - there was just nothing. I now realize it's because he couldn't reciprocate - he wanted admiration/attention, not love, and I'm not even sure he realized that everything on my end was real and genuinely felt and completely natural reaction to the chain of events from beginning to end.
No more. Never again.
The man I am with...I live with and have known for almost 10 years. He is the person I needed to be with all along - there is a reason that he has been in my life for so long - we are actually very compatible and similar ways of thinking. We continue to press on and work on ourselves and our relationship. I intend to marry him - he is genuine, real, not disordered, very responsible, actually believes in self improvement and long term planning/commitment, and very loving. The very fact that he does not treat me like an object or a possession is paramount.
If I loved myself to begin with, and had strong boundaries, none of this would have occurred. I was duped - totally fell for the entire performance, but I have my own responsibility to bear in that. I am not without guilt, but everything I did was just a process - I acted and proceeded very naturally along the course of events based on what I knew at the time - I thought everything was real on his end, which obviously wasn't the case.
Reciprocation, and mutual happiness are paramount to a healthy, loving relationship. So is the willing to be vulnerable, trust, brutal honesty, and being able to talk things out without being forced to stuff feelings or sweep things under the rug at every turn.
I'm not a victim. I'm a survivor.
It is time for others to take care of their own stuff while I attend to my stuff. That's my story.