Starting this thread by request. @willowtree
When I was around 6 months out of the relationship (trying to get back in & being ignored) I started thinking about his ex/current (ok let's be real I was FB stalking and I could see what groups she joined) he had said she was bipolar so I found a group that was for bipolar who are also BPD that she had joined (now I think he probably convinced her she was BPD) - I followed the group a bit and started wondering what the male manifestation would look like. I did a couple of searches and came across this article - it is very very long but totally worth it.
This article is what got me to flip the switch to say there was zero chance of him ever being in a relationship with me again. This was my first real introduction to the Cluster Bs outside of a textbook. A year later on PF and I think this is a great eye opener BUT it leaves a little crack for them to be human (they aren't) - for the purposes of PF they are a Cluster Bs and it doesn't matter which one you get b/c they will destroy your life.
Many months later I learned what gaslighting is and then PF found me.
All of the text formatting is in it's original form (link at the bottom).
THE MALE BORDERLINE
Surviving the Crash after your CrushBy Shari Schreiber, M.A.
www.GettinBetter.comYou'll be learning about dangerous men here, and how to avoid them. There are very few females who haven't encountered a borderline disordered male atsome point during their lifetime, whether he's been a fellow employee, a boss, a neighbor, or somebody from an online dating site--where there's an exceptionally high ratio of them. Just wanna get laid?? Stay right where you are. Seeking a healthy partnership? Stop fishing in contaminated ponds, and commit to the hard inner work it takes to heal and grow, so you can finallyaccept the love you need.
Admittedly, I had a challenging time starting this article, because the bulk of people who contacted me about their BPD relationships had been men--but I kept getting letters from females who said, "what about us~ why aren't you writing about our experiences with this type of personality??" I was fortunate to have had brief encounters with narcissistic or borderline disordered males, and they taught me about what to avoid. When I'd decided to include those experiences in this article, it flowed. As many more women began contacting me for help, their stories very closely echoed and confirmed what I'd already written, so this seemed to give extra validity to the material.
Personally, I've been 'lucky in love,' or perhaps just very discerning. All of my significant, lengthy relationships have been harmonious and loving. These were the right men at the right time, and we enjoyed mutual admiration and respect. When I met someone who felt a bit 'off' to me, I declined a second date. Having trusted my instincts saved me from a lot of heartache. Let this literature serve as a guide, that can help you learn to honor and trust yours.
This material attempts to explore and expose borderline personality features and narcissism in males as comprehensively as possible, so you can begin to rebalance/heal from your most tormenting relationship experiences. Browse the various sub-sections in this piece while you're visiting--they describe the intricate aspects of personality disordered men and their behaviors. Don't try to read this text cover to cover or all in one evening, as it's pretty lengthy.
Narcissists are not always borderline disordered (they lack psychotic traits), but Borderlines are always narcissistic, as each lacks capacity for empathy. Can these issues be cured? Yes, but it requires highly specialized care, and tenacious commitment by the client/patient to do some very courageous and difficult recovery work.
I'm sometimes inundated with letters from irate BPD males who insist they have tremendous capacity for empathy, but they've confused this term with sympathy, and the two words by definition, are very different.
It's not that there are actually more women than men with BPD, it's that we haven't identified the ways it manifests inmales, as pathological. We might have climbed on-board with the 'male bashing' some women have promoted, and assumed this gender had innate deficits when they've acted like "jerks," but what's often spawned our pejorative view, is aberrant behavior patterns in men with borderline traits. Does that rearrange your mental files??
Male BPD traits include; impulsivity, passive aggression, lying, stalking, lack of empathy, poor self-worth, drug/alcohol abuse, extramarital affairs, rageful outbursts, depression/suicidal ideation, inability to hold difficult emotions or self-soothe, self-harming behaviors (or accident prone), cognitive distortion and projections, splitting (love you/hate you), physical volatility or violence, rebound relationships, anxiety or OCD issues, self-sabotage in personal and professional realms, an incapacity to want you unless they can't have you,extreme jealousy, narcissism/grandiosity, selective memory/recall, black or white thinking, verbal exhibitionism, codependency (and other addictions), control issues, eating disorders, emotional blackmail, childhood molestation, dissociation or "black-outs," perfectionism/rigidity, sporadic insatiable need for attention, and these males are typically attracted to inaccessible women orlong-distance romances.
A colleague who works almost exclusively with male borderlines, has told me that they generally present as commitment-phobes and sex addicts, which seems logical--for at the very core of borderline pathology, is an attachmentissuethat starts in infancy, with Mother. This is addressed more fully below, under my subsection; THE WIZARD OF ODDS.
It's not been my intent to neglect or overlook gay or bi-sexual males here, but in my work with borderline males and those trying to recover from loving them, the bulk of this text applies, regardless of sexual preference.
Borderline Personality Disorder in men is harder to recognize than in women, because their seductions are usually emotional, rather than sexual. The Male Borderline may appear 'normal' in contrast to other men, who seem so afraid of closeness, they're back-peddling before your second date! For simplicity's sake, this piece names the borderline disordered male, Casanova. Seducing women feeds his narcissism, and fills his core emptiness--it's his addiction. Since he can't form solid/healthy attachments, he takes hostages. Make sure you don't become his next prisoner.
THE HONEYMOON
Initially, you may be taken with his unique openness and vulnerability, since you haven't encountered this in other males you've known. It's refreshing to find a guy who doesn't censor his feelings/thoughts, and seems emotionally accessible! It's incredible that this man appears so completely without guile, he almost instantly puts you at ease and inspires your trust.
You're appreciated for your qualities and attributes, and admired/respected for the woman you've become. He's extremely attentive at first, and wants to be with you constantly--which is like music to your soul. As this courtship picks up speed, you feel fortunate to have found such a considerate, loving, thoughtful man--but just as you begin trusting that his pronouncements of love are genuine and start envisioning your future together, things change.
Casanova makes sure you know how grateful he is to have finally found you, because you're "like no other woman" he's ever known. His enthusiasm and glee seem authentic: One of my ex's would initially remark how great it was, that he'd finally met a female who was his "intellectual equal." This elicited myprophetic response; I hope that what you're loving now, you won't start despising, later. Yes, I'd had warning signals just like you--and foolishly put them aside. He'd just recently left a long-term marriage, and I knew better than to get involved. While he had dated a few other females in-between, my concerns about the wisdom of our timing, were always met with vehementassurances that he'd wanted someone like me, his "whole life!" Before long, I threw caution to the wind~ and it came back to bite me on the fanny.
As soon as a Borderline senses you're really His, he distances himself, shuts down or finds fault with you. Your first mistake, is thinking that's about You!
The Borderline brings a whole lot of unfinished business from his childhood, into your relationship dynamic--which was certainly no exception, in my brief interlude with this kind of male:
The brunt of his unhealed pain concerning the loss of other attachments was transferred to me--which couldn't help but create speed-bumps; he'd tried to monitor/control my eating, for one! Hisfather("The Doctor") died of arterial disease, and his wife gained a huge amount of weight during their marriage. Two sizable abandonments, for sure--but while I'd gently point out that this stuff didn't belong with me, and assure him I wouldn't get fat or die anytime soon, this issue arose constantly! Resolving it, typically took hours. Mostly, our time together was marvelous, but the dialogues became exhausting--likeworking on my days off. No question, I was doing all the heavy lifting in that relationship; tears streamed down his face, whenever I'd try to engage him on any topic we were struggling with--no matter how soft my approach. This was his method of shutting-down, and deflecting resolution. When we'd get close to a breakthrough, he'd kitchen-sink me (re-referencing former issues that had previously been discussed and resolved) in his effort to throw me off track, and maintain control. In truth, I'd recognized his narcissism early on, and thought I could handle it--but this control issue kept rearing its ugly little head, and it was profoundly injurious to our bond.
Love is blind. When you're with a Borderline, you'll see only what you wantto see about this guy--and you won't begin to wake-up until he drops you on your head, and you're drowning in so much pain and shame, you can barely breathe. Even then you won't leave, because you'll keep hoping for the good times to return--but beware! This male can turn your world upside-down and inside-out, to where you can hardly remember or recognize that woman youused to be, before he came along.
Right about now you might be thinking, "surely even a painful relationship is better than no relationship at all," but here's the deal; hanging out with You can't actually kill you--but hanging out with a Borderline, definitely can. At the very least, your physical and emotional health will suffer.
PAY CLOSE ATTENTION - IGNORE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
Central to personality disorder problems, is arrested emotional development, which is catalyzed by parental neglect and/or abuse in infancy and childhood. Adult development can be accomplished, but it takes time to mend the core trauma wounds that are inherently at therootof this dysfunction.
Some of these males present as little boys, ambivalently in need of rescuing or care. Their vulnerability comes across in a way that has you seeing them as open and genuine--but watch out! Don't believe the hardship stories they feed you, while asking for a "temporary" loan or place to sleep. This type of fellow is discussed (below) in; THE BOY WHO CRIED WAIF. Don't think for a moment, this guy can't screw up your life, just because he seems so pitiful. A 'victim' type Borderline will resent/harm anyone who tries to be his savior; you're just kidding yourself, if you think that You'll be the exception.
These males are love-avoidant. It isn't that they haven't wanted love--it's that they've never been able to trust it. You won't change this, regardless ofhow much you adore him--or how 'safe' you make it for him emotionally. It's not that things won't be good for awhile--but then he'll suddenly run off with his old girlfriend or gal he met on an elevator, without any thought for you.
If you're a caregiver/codependent type and you think you can help this fellow heal, get out now. This guy had very disappointing and painful relationship experiences with Mother, and you're not gonna change that for him. Besides, no man wants to fuck his mommy--and if he does, he's way more screwed-up than you think he is. He left home to get away from her, and he'll do it to you! A Borderline's nature is paradoxical; the better you treat him, the faster he has to find fault with you, distance himself or push you away. In short, he won't let you love him.
There's always a childhood template that sets up our attraction to someone personality disordered. Perhaps your Borderline has traits similar to mother or father, and you're familiar with the relationship dynamics you've struggled with in this attachment (which keeps it thrilling). Childhood wounds must be repaired and resolved, or you will keep being drawn to this kind of male.
Control issues and addictions typically help Casanova defend against painful ambivalence that's characterized by deep longing but fear of needing, while constantly undermining his personal strivings and attachment endeavors. He could routinely pursue relationships with borderline disordered females, who are incapable of sustaining authentic intimacy and connection--which makes the task of maintaining safe emotional proximity a non-issue. Long-distance romances conveniently inhibit deeper bonds, and quell his engulfment fears.
The Borderline is incapable of sustaining any type of feeling, including love. He'll act-out his ambivalence or upsets, rather than speaking with you about what's bothering him--and he'll always put the blame on you for his feelings. You may presume that if you just try a little harder to make him happy, it'll be possible to have a harmonious relationship with this guy, but you're just dreaming. Borderlines thrive on crisis, drama and pain, which contribute to their sense of aliveness--it's the main reason many are treatment resistant.
Casanova won't seek therapeutic help unless/until he's in crisis. The catalyst might be due to severe financial or health setbacks, but it's more typically connected to trying to navigate/surmount painful relationship dynamics with a lover who has BPD features that surpass his own.
Once his crisis is contained/resolved, he'll seldom remain for the emotional growth work that's crucial for him to achieve adult development. This portion of treatment is critical, for he will not be able to let go of long-standing BPD traits (self-sabotage, crisis orientation, passive-aggression, addictions, etc.) without it. The male borderline in treatment is discussed in my subsection,THE PRINCE OF TIDES.
A TRIP TO THE MOON ON GOSSAMER WINGS--OR JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS?
The Chase is intoxicating for him--outside of that, he gets bored. Borderline females are the only ones who are better at this game than he is, and they can hold his attention indefinitely. Years after their split, he's still lamenting about the one who got away and insisting it was "real love," even though his attachment fears caused him to act-out, and surely hastened the death of that relationship.
Stealing you away from somebody else can fuel a borderline male's ego, and ease his long-standing insecurities. He may have had a father who cheated, and a variety of complex feelings about being left to soothe a pitiful, victim-like Waif mother, can prompt him to compulsively repeat his dad's unsavory practices with pre-attached females.
Aside from a sense of empowerment he may have derived from adopting the role of surrogate mate for Mother, replicating his dad's antics help him identifywith the father he never had, and minimize pain from the missing paternal bond. Stealing another man's woman enables him to punish/shame other men, as he might have relished doing to his dad, as an abandoned little boy. This pattern compulsively repeats, as he's acting-out unresolved anger from childhood neglect and betrayal.
Casanova has love/hate relationships with females due to childhood deficits with Mom, that left him with considerable emotional ambivalence. Between trying to get boyhood needs met for nurturant attention, and his belief that he must love and respect his maternal tormentor, he continuously struggles with attachment. Many of these men were undermined by a dying father who made them promise to "take care of Mother" in his absence. No matter how toxic her presence, he just can't break that vow to his dad.
This has far reaching ramifications for a boy whose mother has narcissistic or borderline features. My ex reported that a few therapists he'd seen with his wife, commented about issues with his mother--but he dismissed them out of hand. In retrospect, he needed serious individual core work--but alas, he was a self-proclaimed "Behaviorist," which is shorthand for young soul.
This meticulous male had OCD features, which spilled over into our dynamic. His perfectionism ran amok, and as he apparently needed to have the upper hand in this romance, he'd instruct me on how to do the most basic tasks! I viewed this with awe and disbelief, as I'd taken excellent care of myself for over fifty years--and managed all that, without his input. This behavior feltinfantalizing, and made me presume he'd been with inept, insecure females before me--or ones who had somehow tolerated his narcissistic traits. Maybe they'd swallowed their feelings, and developed some emotional and physical insulation just to cope with his steady criticisms--and take up more space in that relationship! (There's zero room for your needs with a Narcissist.)
Casanova's middle name is Rebound. His immediate need is to replace you, if the affair falters. After an incredibly fatiguing three months of dealing with thedrama in that relationship, I regretfully threw in the towel. I had second thoughts the following day, and phoned (six hours later) to ask if we might give it one more try. He was "unsure." As it turned out, he'd already lined up dates with several new women, to mitigate what must have been intolerable abandonment shame. We resumed our dance over the next few weeks, but I could never get our connection back--and he lied about sleeping with others while having unprotected sex with me! Not to worry m'dear, I got even.
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT--SOMETIMES YOU DON'T.
An emotionally damaged male might have the gumption to tell you right up front that he's not available for something serious. If he's great looking and funny, you may only want to bed him, which is okay! But the way he makes love to you, sends a completely different message than he's conveyed, and before long, you're convinced he's changed his mind. Sure--that's what thelast gal thought, and now she's bleeding from every pore. Casanova doesn't want to need you--but his self-worth is dependent on you needing him.
There are times you'll think you're going insane--because the contradictions and mixed messages just keep coming. At first, you'll sweep them under the rug, and find ways to excuse them--but it get's tougher to feel like you're on solid ground when the rules keep changing. For example; he insists that you learn to sleep very close or entwined--but just as you get accustomed to it, you'll begin finding him on the farthest side of the bed. If you approach this subject (even very gently), he'll scold you for not bringing it up sooner--and make it seem like your failing! Borderlines pull you in closer, then push you away; you'll either feel adored and admired or devalued and dejected. Listen to Madonna's 'One Step Over the Borderline' for a sense of this.
You may be a strong, well-established, successful woman with a mind of her own, but the Borderline has an uncanny ability to wear you down until you're second-guessing and doubting yourself. Fairly soon after your romance takes flight, he could coax you to "open up" or let down your guard, and trust him more. Up to this point, his behaviors have been loving--but you've gone with your instincts so far, and it takes you awhile to let someone in really close.
A long-time friend eventually succumbed to the cajoling of such a male. The minute she dropped her armor and gave him access to her softer, vulnerable side, he phoned less, played crazy-making mind games, found fault with her, and turned into an asshole. Having fallen in love, it took my friend months to get over him--but her body has held that trauma. She's left with a severe colon disorder, which makes it impossible to even consider getting physically or emotionally naked with a man again. At least she's safe from more injury, but some toxic shame remains. Don't just love with your heart--make sure you're using your head.
The game playing/testing phase can start pretty early. He could make plans with you a week or more in advance--but never phone you to firm 'em up, or address the particulars. So you're sitting around wondering what to wear for the occasion, and thinking; "surely he'll call soon, to fine-tune this date with me," but you start to think he's either forgotten it--or may just not show up. This crap is intentional. Any male who's excited about somebody, goes that extra mile to make certain they're still on the same page, and she's looking forward to seeing him! Anything else, is a manipulation. If you phone him to see where you stand, he's learned how much bad behavior he can get away with and what you'll tolerate--and it sets the tone for all that follows.
Casanova has severe self-worth issues. His only way of gauging if a woman finds him worthy of her time or interest, is by noticing her early willingness for physical/sexual contact. That's his barometer. Since he's never learned to regard himself as being lovable or worthy of admiration and respect, he'll cast aside any female who views him that way. In short, he dislikes himself, and won't join any club that would have him as a member--but this can still leave him wide-open to initial induction by a female Borderline.
BillyBoy was much younger than I, but we cultivated a lovely friendship. He seemed to crave mentoring, and was consistently appreciative about helpful insights or wisdom I offered. He was wildly flirtatious from the very start of our association, but while I enjoyed the fun banter, I never took it seriously. Our friendship was rich and satisfying on many levels, but even as I'd (once) imagined what might be possible beyond our emotional bond, I was certain his core damage and lack of development would surely make that a catastrophe. After some years, I learned that BillyBoy had long maintained a fantasy that Iwanted him. Apparently, he'd needed me to desire him, to fortify his self-image. This fellow ritualistically lead with his sexuality, and seduced females to validate his worth (and yes, he was gorgeous) but his sense that I craved him sexually, was purely wishful thinking and projection. I think his psycho-therapist (to be taken literally) ratified his distortions of our relationship, but his passive dishonesty eroded my trust in him beyond repair.
Your borderline lover is hypersensitive--to well, just about everything. This guy will have you feeling just horrible about hurting his feelings, even when you know you didn't mean a thing by that silly, offhand comment you made about one of his relatives. He'll sulk, become distant, or angrily bust your ovaries over some stupid little oversight, to where you've begun walking on eggshells around him, just to avert these agonizing occurrences! Molehills become mountains, and no matter how careful you are, you're gonna step on a land mine--and there isn't a darned thing you can do about it. It won't be long, before the joyful parts of yourself (like your sense of humor) die off.
This doesn't mean he won't be sweet to you at times, or even generous--but you feel imprisoned by his volatility, and how easily he's upset. Soon, you'll be so cautious about setting him off, you practically become robotic without feelings or needs--basically, a Stepford Wife. Your body's still here, but your spirit and soul feel dead. Think you love him? Loving's never painful, unless you also have abandonment and attachment issues--and if you didn't, you'd already be outta there!
DOUBLE DIPPING AND THE DOUBLE STANDARD
In the middle of a battle or break-up, your Borderline could flirt with, bait and bed a whole lot of folks. This leaves you open to contracting all sorts of STD's, but his attitude when You venture out during one of your separations and date another, is tantamount to provoking a ten point earthquake on the Richter Scale! Ironically, it's perfectly acceptable for him to do the Mattress Mambo with as many casual partners as he wishes--but heaven help you, if you draw outside the lines just one tiny bit; the seismic reaction will be one you'll never live down! It makes no difference how many times you point out these massive discrepancies concerning your relationship hiatus by the way, he now has a dealbreaker to clobber you with, each time you try to reconcile.Hypocrisy is the order of the day with a Borderline. This keeps you confused and off center--but you've gotten used to that by now, haven't you??
Don't presume he's telling you the truth about his sexual history, or health. You may want to believe him when he says he's "clean," or just got an aidstest--but the reality is, he's used to lying, and fabricating/embellishing facts to get what he wants, and you honestly can't know who you're dealing with, when you've begun dating. Use protection--no matter what your intuition is saying about this guy! Not doing so, could mean a death sentence or living with a painful virus like herpes or genital warts, he conveniently "forgot" to tell you about. This happens to plenty of women. Don't be one of them.
HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT
I dated a guy in my thirties, who I quickly sensed was neurotic. One minute,The Meltz was all over me (like Doakes on Dexter), and I couldn't even keep lipstick on, with all that kissing! The next thing I knew, he was unreachable, distant and cold--but then it would switch again. This Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hydesplit in behavior and demeanor is a dead giveaway, that you're involved with a borderline disordered male, and there's big trouble up ahead.
You may have accepted some blame for his erratic moods, because it made perfect sense when he explained why he was withdrawn, frustrated, angry or sad--and you wanted to help him. After all, this terrific guy has chosen You to love, and share all these feelings with--aren't you the lucky one?
Casanova tries to globalize his behaviors, to make them seem commonplace or trivial. He'll diminish/humiliate you for making mountains out of molehills, and "sweating the small stuff." He'll make you feel wrong for accepting his word on commitments he breaks! When he doesn't follow through, he lacks the decency to apologize. If you confront this and hold him accountable for his actions, he makes excuses, becomes rageful and projects his shame and self-loathing onto you. He's been with females a lot more desperate, who've let him get away with this crap, but you don't have to. He's shown you who he is,and who he isn't--and he's not a man of his word. Do not trust him.
As with borderline females, this fellow lacks boundaries and impulse control. He could show up at your house or work unannounced, or phone a ridiculousnumber of times during your day, which will initially be delightful--but you'll later question whether or not he's capable of tolerating time alone. He may be awkward around your friends--especially when they're male. His jealousy might be well hidden, but you can sense his frosty reserve when he meets them. Any individual who takes your attention away from him is perceived as a threat. He'll accuse you of the most absurd indiscretions--and you'll feel as though you're constantly defending yourself against his irrational fantasies concerning other men in your life! No matter how much you reassure him of your devotion, he just can't retain it. No Borderline can. Loving Casanova is like trying to fill a bottomless pit.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT'S SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER . . .
Even if your radar's pretty sharp when it comes to men, and you think you're exempt from falling for a borderline disordered male, think again. This guy seems so wonderful at first, you can hardly believe it! It's like you've been wishing for this kind of connection forever, and now it's finally here. But as this relationship progresses, you'll feel increasingly frustrated, confused and tormented. That fantastically open guy you met keeps shutting you out, and you end up painfully longing and yearning for the way it was.
I've treated quite a few male Borderlines. They phone me complaining about relationship problems (no surprise there), but telltale comments always give them away. Many seem determined to tell me what great lovers they are, and how every female they've ever been with, has declared them "The Best." Aconfident male doesn't need to talk about his sexual prowess, or anything else he feels sure of for that matter; income, job status, athletic superiority,good looks, academic achievements, etc.
This man's self-esteem is typically predicated on externalized elements that reflect his success or accomplishments, rather than having an intrinsic sense of lovability/worth for simply being, as opposed to doing--which is a remnant from boyhood esteem wounds, inflicted by a narcissistic parent (or two).
This male is likely to choose-down, or select females he perceives as needy or less powerful than he. Any woman who is whole or has greater resources than he's recognized in himself, activates his abandonment fears. If he does choose a partner who's relatively sound/healthy, he'll systematically tear her down, and make her question her own worth. In this way, he's always in the driver's seat, and abandonment concerns are averted. This frequently occurs with BPD males in the psychotherapeutic or medical professions.
Casanova is prone to having affairs with married women, or engaging in his own extramarital dalliances. He persistently chooses 'safe' relationships that have no chance of moving beyond a casual or superficial status. He gets to be The Hero who swoops in and rescues damsels in distress from stale/worn out commitments. He could have a desperate need to be needed, if boyhood issues left him with shame concerning worthiness. Childhood chaos or drama always ignites the need to control our experiences, and drives codependent relational dynamics that fortify the grandiose, false-self. These defenses can be like 'rescue-remedy' for a damaged soul--but relief is short-lived.
Compensatory behaviors that help one defend against inner fragility, usually take the form of various addictions and/or compulsions that undermine even the most sound relationship dynamics. Attachment ambivalence consistently derails his ability to maintain deep, meaningful ties. This impairment stems from boyhood self-esteem concerns, that make it virtually impossible for him to be emotionally naked or genuine with a partner who's actually available; the abandonment risk that's triggered is way too frightening. Bottom line, if a man isn't comfortable with himself, how could he possibly be centered and straight with You?!
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY (YOUR CONSTANT NEMESIS)
Casanova might talk about his past lovers, and make comparisons between them and you. Since he can't feel passionate/dramatic yearning for someoneunless she's out of reach, his feelings of "Love" are usually squandered on a former romance. A woman who's present, loving and available doesn't trigger the difficult emotions he learned as a boy, were about loving an unavailableparent. It's highly inappropriate for him to compare you to anyone else--and you should never tolerate it. This is his distancing tactic, which makes you feel less-than, or not good enough--and that's his intent. Why does he treat you so cruelly? So he can make you feel jealous/insecure, and exercise more control over you and the relationship! If you're sticking around, make sure he knows he can't abuse you like this any longer--and hope to keep you. A guy I knew, did this with every female he dated! If Howdy Doody (that's who he looked like) hadn't had just two redeeming qualities, I wouldn't have stayed past the third date.
Being in love with a narcissistic male means you'll never feel busty enough, thin enough, bright enough, tall enough, etc. He may not convey his disdain or disappointment directly, but you will always feel inadequate. The truth is, he's insecure at his core--so he has to throw a shroud around your flame, to make his own glow a little brighter. He may never compliment you, but you'll surely know about the imperfections/deficits he sees in you. The narcissistic father does the same to his children. They grow up trying to please a parent who is not given to praise--unless their accomplishments reflect on him, and he can take credit for them. This behavior is wounding to their self-esteem, and drives compulsive perfectionism which can compromise their health.
GULLABILITY, AND THE GURU COMPLEX
Too many females are easily taken in by the Borderline's apparent brilliance and base of knowledge. In direct contrast to the instability you've observed in this male, there have been times you've glimpsed what seems to be his wisdom, his spirituality and his incredible knack for stating things that make him sound like the absolute authority on health and well-being. Borderlines are usually plagiarists and copycats. They may have read a plethora of self-help books along their life-path, which helped them assemble their broken inner shards of tile into a mosaic of sorts, that resembles a whole/definable self-image. They've got a remarkable capacity to mimic or parrot information they've read or heard--which helps you presume they're healthy and sane.This characteristic is particularly common among Borderlines in the "helping" professions--which amplifies the volume on your ambivalence and confusion about these guys. The central problem with their Guru Complex, is that they can talk the talk--but there's no way they can walk it! That would requireintegrity, which is a by-product ofemotional (and moral)development.
Along these lines, Borderlines may alter their identity. They'll adopt a name or nickname that's different from the one they were given at birth. Just as plastic surgeries and body ornaments/tattoos change one's self-perceptions, Casanova could attempt to elevate himself to higher status, by shedding hispersona in favor of a new one. This may take the form of choosing the name of a famous celebrity or historical figure, and it's rooted in self-loathing. We could speculate that Jesse James (once married to Sandra Bullock) has BPD features. In his book, American Outlaw he reportedly uncovers his childhood abuse. Sex addiction, infidelities and poor self-worth are symptoms of early neglect and abuse, which is central to Borderline Personality Disorder.
The narcissistic or borderline disordered male could be a verbal exhibitionist. He has an answer and anecdote for virtually everything under the sun--and you can't shut him up, as he regales you with little known facts on any topic you have the patience to hear about! So, while you're trying to get a word in edgewise and have a dialogue with this guy, you must listen to his endlessmonologue, instead. This is just one trademark of his grandiosity, and you're his captive audience. This feature might have you respecting and regarding him with awe (especially if you have self-worth issues), but there's precious little room for you in this relationship, and you'd better get used to that.
YOU CAN'T MAKE A FRUIT SALAD OUT OF A BANANA.
Casanova could be parsimonious in bed--but if he's generous, your orgasm is His--not yours. He's so darned busy pleasing you, he's a spectator who's not engaged in the game. The most pleasure he can take for himself, is thinking he'll stand out among all other lovers, who will pale against your memory ofhim. His narcissism is profound, to say the least. The sex may be great, but it could be the only part of this deal that is.
While guesting on a web broadcast with Dr. Tara Palmatier of ShrinkforMen on 10/3/11, a male caller stated that he had always been drawn to dark and dangerous females. He boasted about "burning them out sexually," to where they couldn't sustain the relationship. I asked him if he ever considered that he might have a sex addiction, to which he replied no--but when I asked himwhat he did when he felt empty or dead inside, he couldn't answer. This guy suddenly began advising other men about dating and sexual practices, as I'd apparently struck a sensitive nerve, and his narcissism couldn't handle it.
Impotence is fairly common among men with personality disorder features, if they've become close to you emotionally, prior to having sex. Men typically get to their feelings through sex, which is part of their bonding ritual. If this order is reversed, BPD males could have difficulty achieving and maintaining erections. In short, the more you actually matter to him, the less he's able to perform. This issue is demonstrated in the 2011 film, Shame.
In a committed relationship, his determination to please you wanes--unless he can keep seducing you, when your attention is diverted by something, or someone else. The borderline male kicks into high gear to win you over, only if there's threat of losing you. His grandiose ego can't tolerate competition, yet he thrives on it. The 'seduction phase' feels activating and heady--and (like all addictions) floods him with sensations of aliveness. He literally lives for these episodes, because he feels empty and dead inside, without them.
A lifetime of avoiding those difficult feelings, stirs his frantic need to remain attached--even after your relationship has bit the dust. He may be obsessed with rescuing compulsions if there are codependent features in his makeup, but efforts to escape his core pain/emptiness will eventually be transferred to another, once you've ended all contact. This doesn't mean that you won't ever hear from him again. He may check in now and then, to test the waters and see if there's an opening (or catch you in a weak moment). No response is always the best response.
You might want to resolve any unfinished business between you on friendlyterms--but you'll never win with Casanova, or have him view you as he did before. If you keep hitting this ball back across the net and let him bait you, your conversations could feel devaluing/shaming--and you'll just be helping him drive you crazier, with each contact. He's toxic. Move on.
The rest of the article is in the next post.
http://gettinbetter.com/casanova.html
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Male BPD article continued
FRANKLY MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
Contrary to popular belief, the borderline male isn't necessarily compulsively drawn to sex--and in truth, he may be withholding and aloof concerning yourneeds for sensual contact. The Casanova Complex is purely about seduction. He has to exert controlover you, whether that be financially, emotionally or sexually. Interactions must be on his terms, or he doesn't want to play. This can take the form of 'booty calls' in the middle of the night--or whenever it'sleast convenient for You. He may press you to satisfy his sexual proclivities (anal intercourse, fellatio, donning provocative costumes, sadomasochistic practices, watching porn, etc.), without any concern for what's comfortable or pleasurable for you. What else would you expect from a narcissistic guy?
Borderlines can be openly misogynistic (woman hating), or they may wrestle with substantial mistrust of females. Covert or secret fears concerning trust, combine with self-esteem issues, that trap males in emotional ambivalence, and leave them vacillating between loving women and despising them. This is the legacy that's left to them by their mothers. It seems that Jewish men are particularly at risk, due to engulfment struggles during childhood.
Jewish girls are raised to think of themselves as Princesses. This false sense of entitlement carries into their adult relationships, which is the basis for themusing men to fulfill material desires, rather than loving them. This has far reaching repercussions for the son of a BPD mom who teaches him this by example, for he is programmed to provide, but expect little in return~ which deters trust in a potentially nourishing, intimate bond.
Fear of closeness/intimacy plays out in all sorts of ways. A guy can bitch and moan for decades about not getting enough sex with his wife--yet he's thirty pounds overweight, has bad breath or poor body hygiene, isn't home most of the time due to "work demands," flirts with others in his partner's presence, etc. There's apayoff for maintaining these systems, because this damaged connection is always "the woman's" fault. He sees himself as a victim of herneglect--but he's simply reconstructed his boyhood dynamics with Mother.
Casanova often uses a long-term relationship or marriage as his springboard for flirtations and conquests. Without this relatively stable 'home base,' he's usually at odds in the world of women, due to his insecurities. His emotional development is stunted, so he's basically a pre-adolescent. His devoted wife or lover represents the safety/security of the mother he never had; still very immature, he cannot negotiate life on his own--so he's reassured/comforted when she's at home waiting, when he returns from his escapades with others.
If you catch your man cheating and call him out, he'll probably deny it until the cows come home--even when you're smelling her on your bed sheets, or finding strands of her hair in his truck!! The borderline male will concoct all sorts of lies to throw you off his scent, when he's screwing another woman. There will be out of town business trips, nights out with "the guys," lunches or dinners with clients, etc., that you'll have instincts about, but you won't confront. Females are highly intuitive creatures, and I have always believed that a wife's gotta be blind, deaf and dumb, to not know what she already knows. There may be myriad reasons why she doesn't want to rock the boat, but she senses when someone else is messing with her meat.
You guys could have some real knock-down, drag-out fights about this, and you might kick him out or he could leave for awhile, only to crawl back with his tail between his legs, begging for reprieve from emotional exile. He may promise never to do it again, and you'll want to believe him--but remember that story about the scorpion and the frog? This is his nature, he's lacking in character, and he's not gonna change (in your lifetime, anyway).
If you are the wife of a Borderline or Narcissist, and you've finally decided to leave (after trying for years to make your marriage work), he'll likely collapse into inconsolable depression. No matter how many infidelities he's had, your husband's childhood abandonment trauma will get reactivated--and he'll be howling at the moon in shame, for months afterward. What men never seem to comprehend, is that when a woman's given everything she can, there's no turning back. For better or worse, when she's finally done, she's done.
THE BOY WHO CRIED WAIF
The male borderline can come across as charismatic, seductive and powerful, which are characteristics that are especially attractive to female borderlines, or he may be humble, self-effacing, disempowered and seemingly victimized by life events and relationships. Whether a Superman or Waif, you'll need to keep your antennae circling, and trust even your most subtle impressions. Afixer/rescuer-type individual is a prime catch for the waif-like male.
No matter how much cheerleading you've granted him, the male waif makes you feel guilty for not believing in him enough, while he tries to get his ship in the water--but how is it, that he hasn't accomplished this over the past few decades before he met you?? Any relational upset "diverts" him from his goals, so you have to stifle your frustration, anger and sadness--or he'll hold youresponsible for his 'get-rich' schemes not working out. In other words, you keep paying all the bills, while he rants at you for not caring about him or his success, accuses you of "only caring about the money," and makes his failings and setbacks your fault! He might even get sick or injure himself on a frequent basis, to elicit your care and concern--and get you off his back for expecting more out of him. He could also blame You for his need to be with other women.
This man-child can't tolerate any form of rejection. If you're not in the mood to make love, he's inclined to personalize your unwillingness to immediately fulfill his libidinal needs. He'll guilt you for abandoning him, not caring about him or "being withholding"--even when it's right after he's been abusive, and you're trying to recover emotionally and/or physically! This discord typically provokes his rage, which lands you right back into an abusive cycle. The BPD male has unresolved primal needs, due to lack of bonding with Mother during infancy; the only way he's able to experience closeness, is through sex and touch. Grown adults have the ability to connect intimately in other domains of their relationships (spiritual, emotional, cerebral, etc.) but the infantile Borderline has difficulty with mature interplay, and may rely solely on sex as a means of connecting. You'll feel objectified in this type of relationship.
Waif traits are common among men who live off the generosity or sympathy of females. No self-respecting male can let a partner support him long-term; if he does, he's sitting on some unresolved rage concerning women. It's likepayback for the trauma a demanding/controlling mommy has left behind, and it's passive-aggressive. Subconsciously, he needs you to adore and take care of him, no matter what--but he'll eventually turn you into the kind of woman he left home to get away from. He's like Peter Pan--he never grows up.
There's a strong tendency in some of these men to avert monetary success if they've grown up with engulfment issues, and staying single feels safer. On some level, they know that most women will eventually reject them, due to their lack of financial responsibility. They'll lament this, and blame these females for being "shallow," but this 'deal-breaker' is actually their payoff for remaining poor--it helps them avoid real closeness and commitment. Do notfall in love with a guy for his "potential." It's a recipe for disaster.
Whether he's made you cognizant of his boyhood wounds and deficits or not, you'll try to avoid stepping on any emotional land mines, you've intuited are buried in his past. You might want to be a totally different female than the one(s) he grew up with--but that doesn't fit his emotional profile. He's far more familiar/comfortable with drama and neglect--it's what feels 'normal' to him. Given the Borderline's paradoxical nature, when you love him more, he loves you less. As your relationship grows more copasetic, calm and stable, he's more likely to sabotage it with betrayals, addictions, compulsions, etc.
A waif-like male could be considered The Quiet Borderline. You might regard him as effete, as he can seem relatively devoid of masculine essence (if you didn't know better, you'd swear he's gay!). He's soft-spoken, passive, and avoids confrontation of any kind. He could be drawn to strong, independent women, if his mom was domineering or controlling--but they're not sexually attracted to him. They may embrace him as a friend, but getting naked with this guy would feel akin to climbing into bed with a gal-pal. Unless a woman is fearful of men and masculinity, she'll be wanting a counterbalance to her feminine aspects--and