So I previously left off that H had declared his love for me. His desire to spend the rest of his life with me, his wish make me feel secure, and give me a sense of permenence. He had informally proposed at this point, but kept reminding me the real one was best left done in person, with romance. We had become a couple, but there was still the issue of K. He had been seeing her, assuring me that it was nothing more than friends. Then I saw K's post on FB. She had been on holiday in Thailand and her post raised the hair on the back of my neck. She had a great time but was really looking forward to coming home to her man. Whoa, wait, what??? Her man? I knew immediately what she meant. So I asked H hadn't he broken it off with her? He told me he had. He then said well he agreed to pick her up at the airport, and he had broken it off with her, but she was refusing to accept it. He would make sure she understood that there was no them. I told him don't he dare spend the night with her. That he needed to clear the air, that night. He promised he was just picking her up and delivering her home, but the next day, of course he didn't. He said that they talked that night and she understood that there was not a relationship, and then omitted the fact that he then stayed over. So I asked, and of course he then got defensive, and said it was simply too late to drive home. (He lived only a half hour away) I was angry telling him that is giving her mixed signals. Looking back, why would I need to explain that to a grown man?
So moving it along, we had been looking together online (we would Skype share our screens) for bits and pieces that we needed. It was fun shopping virtually. Also Understanding that we needed to find a home before the visa application could be submitted. He ultimately found a lovely terraced home in a town just 20 minutes west of Oxford. He sent me the link, went to look at it and rented it all before I could see the link. The visa was applied for and granted, and soon by Halloween I was granted the visa, but was not planning on moving until December. He told me not give notice at work until the 2 weeks prior to my departure. Thank god I didn't listen to him. I believe very firmly in never burning a bridge, because you may need it someday. I had never needed one, but thank god I didn't burn that bridge. I think somewhere in the far recesses of my mind, I had doubts. There were little things that kept cropping up that I excused away, or took his explanation at face value because you are suppose to trust your partner, but really I stuffed the doubt down deep and tucked it away. Everything safe tucked into a shipping container, the time join my beloved was near, and I was to the point I couldn't hardly wait any longer. I was soo excited!
December rolls in and due to plane issues my initial flight was cancelled and I couldn't leave until the next day, unless I wanted to spend the night in Dallas at the airport. No thanks! I was gutted, I was in tears with the person at American, trying to explain that I hadn't seen my fiancé in 8 months, she had no sympathy. It was as if the universe was giving me one last chance to back out. A little rabbit trail for a second, if any person is flying internationally there is a little known rule put in place by the FAA called Rule 222. If an airline causes you to miss a connecting international flight due to circumstances outside of an act of God, they are. To get you to your final destination at THEIR cost, through the next available carrier. Regardless if you were flying coach, if they can only get you first class they have to do it. I didn't know that then, and they won't tell you, you have to bring it up. Use that if you are ever stuck.
I remember distinctly as my plane was lifting off, thinking this is either the stupidest decision I have ever made or the best. I stuffed that away, and settled in for my flight, and began dreaming of the wonderful international lifestyle I was obtaining. I was going to live abroad! I was going to get to see the world with my best friend and soul mate. My fairytail was coming true! Landing in London the next moring, I disembarked from the plane, my heart beating so hard, I was nervous to see him in the flesh for the first time in 8 months. It had been a roller coaster whirlwind up to that point, and it didn't occur to me to mind at the time. Every since I had met him time seemed to have speeded up. I rationalized it was logical. I rationalize that since he invaded my every waking thought, that this was the man I was to spend the rest of my life with. I had never experienced any of this in my prior relationships, so I deduced that this is what it's like to meet your soul mate. I'm thinking all this as I am making my way to immigration. Since he had been talking romance and more romance I hoped he would be waiting with a bouquet of roses for me when I walked through the doors, woukd he have a ring too? Would he drop to one knee and propose to me right there? As I glided through the doors, seeing people out there waiting for their loved ones, I watched as women and men melted into their loves ones arms, and knew that would be me too. I looked around, and I saw him, looking at his phone he glanced up and saw me and he came over and gave me a peck on the lips, grabbed my suitcases and wished me off to the car. To say I was disappointed, that is putting it mildly. The ride home was full of amazement, and beauty. Everything was lush and green even for December. Yes the leaves were gone from the trees, but the landscape was gorgeous! When we got home there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me in a vase on the table, and a card that read "Glad to finally have you here, all my love H". Well it was sort of romantic right? He took me upstairs to our bedroom, and the rest is history.
As more time passed, we settled into couple life, but he still hadn't proposed yet. We had talked about the wedding, and how since neither of us was religious we decided on a registry wedding. Cheap and simple, but he STILL hadn't proposed officially I had to remind him. I was thinking he must be planning something amazing, since he had said that it needed romance. Finally Christmas morning, as we sat in bed having coffee and talking about our Christmas dinner we had planned he blurted out "Will you marry me?" I thought, this is it? I accepted, and later that day he commented that I answered him as if I was greeing to another cup of coffee, ad he thought it was charming, but his tone was disapproving. Boxing Day we walked into town, and went to a jeweler to pick out a ring. He wanted me to buy a used ring, and I looked at that, then a couple of new ones, and settled on a small but excellent quality solitaire. He was grateful because it wasn't that expensive, but it told him on our anniversary I expect an upgrade. I was also feeling guilty as he had shelled out so much already on me, flight, shipping our things over, my visa, but after The Asia trip was cancelled I told him that he was going to have to pay for it, if he wanted me, it was going to be on his dime. Having always been financially independent, I was a little unnerved suddenly being dependent on him, especially financially. That was the start of a realization that I was completely dependent on him. Under the terms of my visa, I could not work, and when I sold my stuff in the US I had just enough to pay off my debt from being unemployed for 6 months.
Now comes the uncomfortable part. One thing I have never been is inhibited in the bedroom. He and I discussed this at length, and one of my concerns was that we would grow tired of each other after a while. In retrospect I was afraid he would grow tired of of me. He being very experienced in a lot of different circumstances, and my willingness to try things, led him to talk to me about swinging. He had done it with his previous girlfriend, which ended in a trainwreck as she went suddenly crazy (so he said) on a couple one night (I now know she didn't go crazy, she was fed up and was angry) and he wanted me to try it. I agreed I would in the future at some point. Let me say, with a Narcissist in the future means now, not later down the road in a few years. A week later he had us signed up on some website, and the emails were rolling in. When I questioned him, he threw my words back in my face. I caved because I didn't want to lose him again. So I then told him my expectations, and he assured me that wouldn't be a problem. Mind you my expectations were, that he doesn't ignore me, that if I don't like the couple then it's off, and that it doesn't interfere with out sex life. We were still a new couple, those needs come first. The long and short of it is we became immersed in a very tawdry and seedy world. A world full of Viagra and old men. This became our social life, and would become the final line in the sand. It would be what broke me. I also now realize that to a somatic narcissist that world is their Disneyland. It is supply without the complications and true intimacy. It is perfect. He used me to gain access to that world because the single guy is a pariah. There were times we would meet couple and hit off well, but then something would happen and we would never hear from then again. I realize now, he was love bombing the women after the meet. He would text them incessantly, and I'm pretty sure it freaked a lot of the women out. If he didn't get easy prey at a club or event, we would leave with him in a huff. I on the othernhand was quite popular, go figure, but I was choosy, and was perfectly happy just drinking and chatting and dancing. A month or so later we met a couple that would become a constant source of friction and the woman became a pawn in the triangulation game.
March of the following year rolls around, and it's wedding time! My dad flew in from the States he was here a week which turned out to be very boring for him, as the day he flew in I came down with a throat infection, and of course H made sure he had business meetings scheduled all week, so he wouldn't have to get to know and spend time with my dad except for a few hours in the evening. So I was sick in bed all week, and my poor dad was left to fin for himself. I felt so bad, as all he wanted to do was to see the changing of the guard and he didn't get to do that. A week before the wedding and he tells me he invited the swinging couple (I'll call them L & M). I was furious! He didn't even ask me, and I really didn't care for L the female, as she was was too obsessed with H. He told me that since he was paying for it, he could invite whomever he chose. Okay last I checked this is our wedding! I backed down, and that was it. Decision done, no comprise on my part his way or no way. Wedding day came, I looked okay, I wouldn't say gorgeous, since I did my own makeup and bought my dress off Amazon, sice the ones in the shoppes were too expensive, oh and he didn't want to pay a photographer, so he was having one of his friends do it. The first thing that day that went wrong, prior to going in we had to sign the book, the fountain pen leaked on my dress. Then none of the photos turned out of my dad walking me down isle. NONE! I finally got a photo of us signing our marriage certificate from one his friends there. Oh and that was the other thing I had been there four and a half months at that point and I was just meeting his friends save one. The universe was again warning me. He then proceeded to flirt with L continually at our reception, and on into the night when we all meet back up at our local for a good ole St. Patrick's celebration. We got home and he was too drunk to have sex, and spent a good part of the night pulling in the toilet. Honeymoon was to Amsterdam, and well let's just not go there. I put him I charge of the honeymoon and that's where we ended up, because Paris was too expensive. Bullshit he spent way more in Amsterdam than we would have spent in Paris, but he would have had to be romantic with me.
Enter the visa nightmare! I had to send off my application to convert my visa to a marriage visa, and I had to surrender my passport with the application. That was also the year of the Summer Olympics in London, so UKBA, was overloaded to say the least. When I asked if we could pay the extra to have the expedited service, as I wasn't keen on surrendering my passport for 3 months, that was met with a firm no. Fine whatever. So I sent in the documents and began to wait. H went about his business traveling around meeting with clients, and being soo stressed out as things were changing in his company and he didn't like being micromanaged, and blah blah blah. Overnight our sex life went from being very active to well there, almost scheduled. He was moaning about his stress or his back, or whatever. All the while in the evenings when he would get home, I'd ask how his day was, he woukd fill me in on the negatives or just give a huge sigh like the weight of the world is rested on him, and say meh. He would then collapse on the sofa, and proceed to stare at his phone. Early on I would try to engage him, but I quickly learned not to disturb him right when he got home, because he needed to wind down first.
So over the course of the next few months, we sunk deeper into the swinging hole, he started pulling away more, many silent treatments ensued, and all the while he is carrying on with an online affair, sneaking off on supposed business meetings to shag L, flitting off on vacations and travels because he can, and I am stuck waiting in England for my visa. It turned out that was the wettest year on record in like 200 years, and I could not escape to save my life. Our weekend excursions came to a screeching hault because he didn't like what I was picking to do, and he was too tired and and and. I began to grow very suspicious that this supposed "friend" online was more than that, I expressed my discomfort and he laughed. He thought it was funny that I was threatened by a woman on another continent, with 3 kids. All the while his actions never match up to his words, I couldn't get him to talk to me, and fell deeper and deeper in trying to get his attention. All I wanted was that sense of security back, but I couldn't get it. I constantly felt like I was having a rug pulled out from under me. Off balance and off kilter, my brain growing more and more foggy as I continually think I'm going crazy. I seriously thought I was going to lose my marbles. I was triangulated and manipulated and I had no clue what was happening. I was filled with guilt, sorrow and rage all in cycles. I imagine it's close to hell. I know there are people on here who have had it much worse, including physical violence, that is I imagine pure hell.
October began the final discard, he was completely absent mentally from this marriage acting as if he was a single guy again, and we had a blow out fight. I was upset he was leaving on the Saturday before his quarterly week long trip to Germany for work. I still had no visa/passport, I was damp and cold all the time and he was galavating about on "work trips" Mind you he had gone to Kenya for two weeks that summer, I didn't even get a trip to the south of England. He was going early to meet a "friend" that had met whilst traveling in Central America a couple of years back. She was all of 30, and I wanted to know what the hell did he plan to do with her for two days? So we had it out. I broke down crying, I told him because I was trapped, and he wasn't helping matters any by flitting off for any excuse to get away. I had at this point become an excellent detective, and I knew his intentions on this trip were less than honorable, but I couldn't give it up that I had snooped. So I played dumb, and threw my therioes out there. He left for his trip, and didn't talk or text me the entire time. Finally on the train on my way home from London, I texted to say I was sorry. He called me when I got home and of course it was all my fault, as he so acutely reminded me, that he didn't enjoy himself, which was bullshit, because I saw a photo of them and he looked liked he was was having a jolly time. He laid it all on my shoulders and for the zinger, he made sure I knew that he tried to put the moves on her, and she said only if he was 20 years younger, and it wasn't cheating since he told me. I think he did shag her. I still felt so guilty for getting angry and upsetting him. Jesus, I had become a giant doormat.
From there eyre he just pulled farther and farther away and I tried everything to get his attention, but mostly to get him to be honest with me. I can deal with a lot if someone is honest. I was so broken down at that point, so desperate for him to be honest I looked into polyamory, as a means to at least have him stop lying to me. Everything that was coming from him was either a bald face lie or a lie by omission (his favorite because the he rationalized that wasnt a lie) I just needed him to be honest. I was now relagated to sex doll status, as our sex life became more about him and less about me. Foreplay was gone, and I could see that my fairytail was turning into my nightmare. But for better or worse I had committed to him, I kept telling myself that this was just. A rough patch and we got on the road for Africa next year he would be better. He would be happier and I in turn could be happier. One thing he kept saying to me throughout the whole D&D was he was not responsible for my unhappiness, only I could make myself unhappy.