February 21, 2014 was my last phone conversation with my ExNP. Since that time I have experienced all the emotions you would expect, and that many of you have already gone through. The most motivating, empowering emotion was when I allowed myself to get angry. To let the rage out. I didn't realize how much I was suppressing it until I felt it. I was in kickboxing class and because adrenaline was already pumping through me, I wasn't able to stop it. I attacked that heavy bag like my life depended on it. Finally, I was fighting back!! I felt on some level I was taking back control of myself--my emotions, my needs, my life! After several minutes I was physically drained and was able to compose myself. Later, at home, I felt more relaxed than I had in a very long time. My mind was quiet for once.
From that day on, I've allowed myself to feel anger. It is the one emotion I've spent my life trying to not feel. I believe if I would have allowed myself to express anger I would not have stayed in the relationship as long as I did. I would have gotten angry at his BS and spoke my mind. I would have told him off! Instead, I suppressed my anger as something not to trust and looked for compromises in our communication. Turns out I was only compromising myself.
So what I am doing to recover is not suppress my emotions. I am embracing them all. Whatever they are. They won't always be about the abuse inflicted on me. They might be about things I liked about the relationship. They might be about what I wished the relationship could have been. They might be about other relationships that were similar. They might be about what I learning about myself that needs improvement/changed.
Nowadays I don't spend too much time focusing on him and his behavior. I don't need to know anymore about what he is. I've done tons of research on personality disorders and I know enough now to know that he is a myriad of disorders. Any label that I stick on him isn't going to change what happened. I am reading books to hone what I have learned. Books that help me know what a passive-aggressive person says, acts like. Books that help me spot a man who is unhealthy for me.
To recover I believe, at some point, our focus has to switch from the abuser to ourselves. If we keep looking at him we miss out on getting to know ourselves better. We keep neglecting the parts of us that need improvement and change. This sets us up to getting involved with another abusive person. They say when driving a car, it is where our eyes are that are hands turn. Same can be said of our direction in life---where our focus is, is where our feet will go.
“An emotion does not cause pain. Resistance or suppression of emotion causes pain.”
― Frederick Dodson, Parallel Universe Of Self