Hi Guys....A week ago, I didn't know 'anything' but I did know I was in pain and for whatever reason, I had had enough and found myself googling 'symptoms' of the person I was involved with and narsissism kept coming up in the search so I began reading about it and was sent to esteemology and baggagereclaim and after reading every article on both sites, made my diagnosis...a classic somatic narsissist. While reading, the ground gave way beneath me...I didn't leave the chair at my computer for three days and was in stunned disbelief seeing this person described in perfect detail and myself as the 'target' also..
I can't even put into words the flood of emotions, revulsion, grief, humiliation...you all know it all
I met him two years ago when he sent me an invitation to connect on a business networking site...I had a business agenda for my profile and expected he was wanting to 'network' with me so I accepted. He was not even attractive to me by his photo..not my 'type'...but I remember vividly looking at the photo and noting that for some reason, I was riveted by him and I hadn't even communicated yet! It was weird. I was divorced, single parent to two little boys, thought I was confident, happy, well adjusted...I had a good cordial relationship with my ex husband, etc. I wasn't looking for a relationship.
I now know what happened next...intense love bombing, mirroring, sympathy seeking...I remember him telling me in one of our initial phone conversations that when he was 4, his parents and two siblings were in a car that was hit by a train on the tracks and killed and that he and his two other siblings had been 'farmed out' to various relatives and separated for the rest of their growing up years. I remember now that at the time, i made a note that it could be a 'red flag' i.e. that he might have baggage from it, but we know he was hooking me with sympathy and it worked. I was in...I felt the chemicals kick in and remember feeling scared by it, nervous, like I wouldn't be able to handle this with my life as busy as it was and I was glad he was on the west coast and I on the east coast. I would often be confused by our conversations....they were weird but not enough to make it stop. He never seemed to want to know details about me. I remember my ex husband saying...why you? Why out of all the women in the world online, why is he soooooo interested in you? He was looking out for me and he picked up on it right away but I brushed it off. I always limited our conversations to about 10 minutes and not more than once a day and paced the contact from the beginning, but he sent me an unsolicted pic of himself with his shirt off...more alarm bells. After a month, the sexual innuendo began with lots of sexual content. I was usually successful in nipping it but at this point I was so heavily attracted to him I felt I couldn't help myself. I had never felt anything like it...it was like I had been struck by lightning.
A couple weeks of that and I sent him a message and ended it..realized I didn't want a relationship like that and over the next 18 months...he would be gone for 6 weeks, the I miss yous would start and it would escalate again. Three times I ended it..
something just didn't seem right to me. I only met him once...I was in his state for business..he wanted to go away with me, have me come to him etc. but I never would. I insisted he come to me or nothing...and he never did. I believe now that he 'knew' I would right away be able to pick it all apart and he wanted to have me on 'neutral' ground.
I am lucky in that I didn't live with him, marry him, have him meet my kids, etc. BUT...I have been knocked to the ground by it. I never experienced the devalue and discard until the past two months, when he targeted me again and said he was now ready for a real relationship..his kids had gone off to college..his youngest was in first grade, etc. and I bought it and went all in. He is in Afghanistan for another 6 months so we made plans to meet and this is when the future faking came in...he would move to where I was when he left Afghanistan and on and on and on...I fell for it all
He started gaslighting..stirring up weird conversations...saying I was going to meet someone else..etc (projecting) missing 3-4 days of contact here and there, managing down my expectations..the most stressful two months I have had in my life. I couldn't sleep properly, couldn't focus on my work, felt anxious, couldn't eat right, got the flu ( I never get sick) He wore me down with his pathology...the final straws were two emails..the first explaining how 'busy' he was with work over there as to why he hadn't been in touch (on yahoo IM I can see when he was online...4 hours a day! what an idiot he is) and several days later another condescending email (almost word for word like the first) explain his business...I didn't reply and began my search
which led me to not respond and go no contact for 7 days now without a peep from him. Of course now I know, he had allready lined up another woman or women. It could have been worse and I'm grateful I had the divine intervention to go on a search for answers and was guided here. It all makes horrible awful painful agonizing sense now. I never want to relive the past 7 days in my life..I'll cut off a limb before I contact him. I am ashamed at how painful it was to delete him from instant messenger and from the social network we shared. I cried for hours after I hit that delete button....I love who I thought he was and I hate who he is and the two are at war in my head and my heart
I'm grateful from the bottom of my heart for this site and for all of you wonderful people sharing your stories which made me brave enough to confront this and put an end to it.