I'm sharing this partly because I'm still angry about it and partly because it might help someone else. The damage from this is taking me longer to recover from than the actual split from my ex P because the male therapist I saw was in a "professional" position so I believed/trusted him.
My self esteem was so low I went to seek professional help because I couldn't work out what on earth was wrong with me., I knew that growing up with a N Dad & alcoholic Mum was a major factor but why wasn't I happy with this new charming man in my life who seemed to adore me. We had so much in common surely it was meant to be?!
My ex P's intensity did alarm me initially but my friends & family thought he was fantastic so it must be me...I felt completely crazy.
The Therapist (T) told me that I was suffering from PTSP, which I'm sure is true. I started reading loads of books and I related strongly so I thought this guy really knows his stuff. Great, I'll get the help I need at last!
He met my ex P once for about a minute through a car window when he picked me up after a session one evening. The next time I saw the T he said that he seemed like a nice guy and proceeded to convince me that I was sabotaging the relationship by projecting my Dad's stuff on to him (I can feel the anger rising as I write this).
Over the next 2 years it was a torturous battle of trying to understand why things weren't adding up and why I felt so shocking.
The T told me that the reason I was having trouble in my relationship was because I was was scared of commitment (also very true) and that I just wanted to live on an island with no chance of ever getting hurt. He encouraged me to move in with the P which I did! He also encouraged me to accept an engagement ring about a month later even though my gut instinct was screaming at me. The T told me to ignore those feelings because they can't be trusted given my PTSP.
In the meantime I was starting to be shouted at by the P and then blamed for his anger. One time I was physically restrained and raged at. My ex P was an entire foot taller than me and it was scary. At a later date the T denied me telling him this.
I was feeling crazier than ever and the T suggested that I see him 3 times a week because my PTSP was bad and I really needed his help. I actually resigned from my job to concentrate on therapy.
One day the T told me that I looked well and seemed calmer. I told him that's because I'd decided to leave the relationship with my ex P. He said that my recovery work would go backwards if I did this, my ex would never take me back and that I would regret it. It filled me with so much fear I ended up staying.
In subsequent sessions I was angry at the T because all he wanted to do was talk about my relationship and wouldn't go into the childhood stuff because I was too fragile...even though he said that was the only way to heal. Then, he told me I had traumatised him!
To cut this very long story short I saw a female therapist who told me that I was in an abusive relationship and that I should leave. By that time I was so brain washed I didn't know which way was up.
I did leave. But, after the initial relief the pain kicked in and I thought I'd made a mistake. I read books on abusive relationships but both therapists were making sense. It was the most confusing time ever.
My ex P. was with someone new within seconds (I knew her so it probably started before we split) and he was parading her around with the pride of a peacock. I can't express how painful it all was. I thought the confusion & pain was going to finish me off.
I spent the next couple of years telling my story to anyone who will listen because the confusion wouldn't go away. Of course, no one had the answers because they had no idea what I was talking about. It damaged some friendships and I was isolating more & more.
Five years on and the PF book and this site has finally hit the spot. THANK YOU!!!!!
Was the male therapist toxic? I'll leave you to firm your own opinion!
Please take care out there.
BeingReal