I met my husband 4 years ago. We dated for one year during which time he was sweet, thoughtful, generous, complimentary, and kind.
*Sign 1 Three days before our wedding, he told me that he did not feel he could take a full week off from work, nor afford our honeymoon which he had planned. I was very hurt and after expressing this to him nicely at first , and then vehemently for 2 days, our honeymoon went as planned.
*Sign 2 Approx. one month later, we had driven across state for a weekend visit with my daughter. Last day of visit, my daughter brought up to me some very emotional things she had on her mind. We were dining outside at a strip mall. My husband moved away to give us some privacy. I gave my daughter my full attention to hear what was bothering her. Our conversation lasted about 1 1/2 hrs. Thinking how considerate hubby had been, I then joined my him at our car to drive home. He was furious and accused me of having made him wait for hours in a hot car. I don't believe I am that powerful. He had a car, keys, money, phone, books, music, as well as a fully functioning body and voice. And he chose not to use them.
*Sign 3 One month later, we went to a downtown street art show. I saw a clothing store I wanted to look in. He said he would wait on the street. The shop was on the second floor and I frequently went to the window to see if he seemed content.
Finally, I could no longer spot him, so I went out to find him. He was furious that I had abandoned him. I asked why he didn't just come into the store to tell me he was tired of waiting? He said he did come to the store, but didn't see me. I had porbably been in a dressing room. It was a very small store, so I asked him why didn't he ask the sales clerk about me?
*Sign 4 One month later. I flew north to visit a friend. The plan was for hubby to join me there later on for a long weekend. The day before his planned arrival, I called him to ask what time his flight was coming in. He told me he had not made a reservation yet, that he didn't believe I wanted him there, and I had abandoned him by not calling while I was away. After a lengthily conversation in which I reminded him I did in fact called several times each day and that there would be a written phone bill proving exactly that (over 60 calls made) and that we had made these plans together many weeks ago, he did make the flight arrangements.
*Sign 5 Next month, I carpooled to an all female private dinner event. I called him from the event to tell him about it and because I was bored, waiting for the others to leave. When I arrived home, he was furious and accused me of having met another man that night. Weeks later, he told me was sorry, but that he would do this again if I continued to behave in secret and suspicious ways. Event had been on the calendar and I had talked about it often before it occurred.
*Sign 6 I was seeing a counselor about my own family dynamics and about our marriage. Eventually, I invite hubby to come in with me. He agrees, but after 2-3 sessions, refuses saying counselor is bias against him.
*Sign 7 I gently told him that our relationship was very difficult for me and reminded him of his behaviors that I find so disgruntling. He said he didn't know how to change. I said that is what counselors are for. He said he would find a counselor for him/us and begin going on his own first. I was so elated, surely this proved how very much he did indeed love me. Next week, he tells me he is seeing a counselor, but he won't tell me the name, saying I would only look up said person and tell hubby why he made a bad choice. I checked his bank records and did find the name and felt reassured that he was really seeing someone. For 3 months, each week I asked about his sessions. Finally, he told me he was no longer going. I checked his bank records again and learned he had only gone 3 times and lied easily and contentedly about it for the rest of that time.
*Sign 8 When hubby did finally give a first name for his counselor, the name he gave was a lie. Plus the lie of telling me over and over how that soon I was going to be invited to participate in the counseling sessions with him.
*Sign 9 I began making jewelry and was working long hours for several weeks at it in order to be ready for a craft show. Hubby was very supportive throughout, helping me gather supplies for the showcase, transporting items to the show, telling me what a great job I was doing, that he was proud of me. Knowing by now just how needy he is, I stopped my work every hour to get up and go to him to remind him he could interrupt me anytime and I that I was still there for and with him. (I was doing the work in the same room where he was parked in front of the tv). A month later, he accused me of neglecting him to make jewelry non-stop.
*Sign 10 Consistently accuses me that everything wrong between us is my fault, even if he did it, because I make him do those things. Then always says the flip, that he only does what he wants to do. Just not possible to have it both ways.
*Sign 11 He says he can't be/show loving or kindness towards me when he is feeling angry because do so, would be just pretend.
*Sign 12 Prior to our marriage, he showed me all his financial records. He told me we will have a good life, you will not have to work. He said he wanted to love, support and care for me always. He made a promise to love and care for me. He says now that I should pay my share, by depleting my meager savings. What that share is has not been defined. He says that sharing his income with me makes him feel like a meal ticket.
*Sign 13 Fighting/argument words include, or in response to my concerns about our relationship, You think you know it all, You don't care what I think/feel, You live in a fantasy world, Do I ever do anything right? You talk to me like I am a child, you are so condensing, he has ever right to lash out at me because I hurt his feelings first. (becoming the sole victim),
*Sign 14 We were at a club. I went to the restroom and an old male acquaintance was sitting right by the door. I naturally said hello and happy new year. Returning to hubby, night was ruined because he accused me of flirting and that I purposely taunt him to make him jealous.
*Sign 15 Another day, having lunch, directly across the bar was a drunk man I have never seen before. After some time the bartender said to hubby that that man wanted to buy him a beer and hubby said OK. She put the glass in front on me to show that the man was buying one for me too. Hubby then became quite distinctly irritable. I asked what's wrong, he refused to answer, then said, I can't say, you'll just be mad at me. Finally tells me he thinks I some how flirted and influenced this drunk guy and that the drinks he bought us were a sex advance towards me. Really too funny !!!! The stranger, on his way out talks directly to hubby saying scarcastically, you looked like you were having so much fun (NOT) I wanted to buy you a drink. Hubby pushes his beer to the edge, refusing one more sip and gets even more angry towards me. Incredible.
*Sign 16 He is the man I am married to, but not the man I said yes to and fell in love with. That man was oozing with sexy sweet kisses, turned me on with sweet talk and romance everyday. He wooed me with promises of love, protection, security. He was also emotionally involved, saying we should, and we did take time each week to say what we were or weren't happy about to thus avoid the build up of petty resentments. Adjust his sleep habits to compromise with mine so we would enjoy more time together. He went out of his way showing me all his worth $$ to make me feel safe and know he would, could, and wanted to be my provider. You will never have to work he promised. I am a wealthy man soon to be extremely wealthy, come play with me, enjoy, I want to share all that I have with you.
Today's reality, he is asleep snoring by 8, 9 every night. This means we get 2- 3 hours together every night max, on a good night. He holds on to petty accusations or invents them on the spot to meet the occasion, I am not sure which. Doesn't matter, equally destructive. He comes home and calls me OLD LADY, says I engage in being a BITCH, etc. These are not sweet words of love or romance. ''Dating" we had to record every show we actually wanted to watch because we were busy having fun with life to sit home every night. Now we, (he) strolls thru tv listings every night trying to figure out what will be least boring. He makes sure I know he resents giving me financial support.
I promise you that if this was the man I had been dating (and I promise dating briefly), I would never have said yes, that man would not be my husband.
*Sign 17 I went to visit my daughter for a long weekend. Called hubby every day. Couldn't reach him at all on Sunday. Monday, he said he had dropped his phone in the sink, was why I couldn't reach him. Home on Tuesday, in the mail were many offers from lawyers for DUI legal help addressed to hubby. That night at dinner, I asked him if he'd had any trouble over the weekend while I was away. He said, no. Then I said well, do you need a lawyer for anything? Finally he told a bit of the truth that he had been arrested Saturday night and spent Sunday in jail for a DUI. It took 6 months to do his penance to the state for those charges and he behaved pretty well during that time.
*Sign 18 Said he paid his lawyer with his credit card. Not true, I saw the checkbook stub.
*Sign 19 One day, I called him in the morning to tell him it was hurtful that he did not come to bed the night before, did not say goodbye in the morning, did not reach for me in bed and had not made love in 2 plus weeks. He said, I will think about what you have said and we will talk about it this evening. He got home about 5:35, Whole night went by, he did not speak one word about my morning phone call. This is one example of behavior frequently repeated, I ask a question, or express a concern. He replies that he will think about it. There is never a reply from him, even if I ask many times in many different ways.
*Sign 20 He said often while dating that just holding me was even better than sex, just feeling my body close to his. Today nothing, no touching.
*Sign 21 We spent days and hours planning together a trip for me to my daughters wedding, and a trip for me to a family reunion. Hubby did not want to accompany me on either. He told me money was not a concern, but suggested I put it all on my air miles visa for the points. When these trips had concluded, he threw a fit that I had spent too much and we could not afford it. I was forced to pay out of my savings.
*Sign 22 He said we should plan a vacation. Said he would come up with 3 suggestions, but he did not do so. Told me to plan within the same budget we had spent year before, which I did. He then told me it was outrageously expensive and out of line. We did not share a vacation that year.
*Sign 23 Middle of an afternoon, I began to make treats for a party. He decides that is the exact time he needs to clean the coffee pot, and then needs to make cookie dough even though I asked him to wait since the kitchen is small and not much counter space. He has to ask me where everything is and get utensils out of the drawer where I am standing. He continuously puts the dish cloth and scrubber in the sink where every other gunk is dropped on them making them filthy. I asked him not to do this. Two seconds later the dish cloth was in the sink again. I told him why I objected to this careless habit and his feelings were hurt. He left the kitchen to sulk and pout on the couch with his book. I went to him to say I did not mean to hurt his feelings. But, the sulking was too good for him to give up. Turned into big fight. I took shower , then came quietly to Dave to say I was very sad about the choices he was making. He answered me with anger. I cried. He went to his room. He would not go to the party with me. Great, I had a wonderful time without him.
*Sign 24 In 12 months, of all the special events we planned to attend together, he actually attended less than half, pouting out thru the others.
*Sign 25 At a lunch/pool party, I had told him I did not want my hair wet. In the pool, I was on a float and he pushed me directly under a water fall. I was good natured at the time, but told him later in private how that act violated the very thing I had told me I didn't want. He replied that as soon as he saw the waterfall, he couldn't wait to push me under it.
*Sign 26 He invites me to go to the beach, then he wants to go home because he was not having fun. So I said, do you want to take walk with me, and then swim with me. He said yes. After these activities, I asked are you having a good time now?, he says yes. Too bad he is not in control of creating his own good times.
*Sign 27 Tells me with great pride that he is perfect and does a superior job of taking care of himself and his dog. He has never in over 60 years lived with anyone more than 6 years. Most of his adult life he has lived alone. And he believes not being able to sustain a loving long-term relationship is something to boast about?
*Sign 28 Saw a counselor together he selected. After several sessions, he wants to know why counselor is only addressing his behaviors. Counselor explains that the destructive behaviors hubby claims I perform are not happening now, but his are. Hubby can not disagree with this. Several sessions later, male counselor is gently and respectfully questioning and talking with hubby. I am wearing a small smile because I know hubby answers are lies and I am choosing amusement over anger. Moments later, hubby jumps to his feet, hollers that counselor and I are only making fun of him, and loudly slams out the door. End of that counselor.
*Sign 29 Took the phone into the bedroom to talk with my sister. He accused me of calling a man.
*Sign 30 Planned a vacation together to a place I had enjoyed with my children for years when they were young. Hubby was seemingly happy about all plans, including my daughter joining us for half the time. When the trip was just a week out, he turned bitter and angry accusing me of choosing a place full of prior family happy memories and how thoughtless I was to allow my daughter to join us over a time period which included his birthday. Night before trip was spent with me begging him to come. sad
*Sign 31 I kept a relationship journal for a year. During that time, hubby spent over 3 months collectively, choosing to not speak to me nor sleep in our bedroom. Once for 21 nights in a row. Usually a week or two. This is a result of his reaction to any slights he feels he has suffered, especially the ones he created falsely in his own head, (see examples above). Each time this was only resolved when I went lovingly to him and tried to ignore his childish ways out of pity for whatever it is than is broken inside him. He will only ever apologize after I have begged for it for days and then with no sincerity. Exception for this if he has friends in from out of town and wants to impress them with his amazing new wife. In these cases, he is quite willing and ready to make nice real quick.
We have been married just 2 years and 9 months. At the very least he fits to a tee the description of a serial provoker and pathological liar.
To prove what a good guy he is, he has stopped with the week to weeks long silent treatments and I haven't heard any outlandish false accusations yet this year. But the provoking is constant. He is always just kidding, or what is wrong with saying that he'll ask if I point it out. I answer, it was neither kind nor loving. He doesn't seem to have a clue what the difference is.
Just tonight, I said I was happy that I had a hairdresser appt this week to get my bangs cut. He said, "I can't believe you are afraid to cut your own bangs after all these years." I replied, "What are you talking about, I cut my bangs all the time, but the hairdresser does it better. Please stop picking at me." He said, "How is that picking?" I answered, "Well was it loving, kind, complimentary?" Sometimes I just wonder if a he missing an essential piece of his brain.
Comments, insight, welcome.
Thanks for listening