I wish I would have found this site about five years ago. This may take a minute or a lot of them and i'll apologize in advance.
Firstly, let me start by saying I come from a small town. Everybody knows everybody..literally. I had been in the military and returned to this small town where I became a police officer. In my early 30's I opened a business in a neighboring town. I gave up my career and focused on my business. There was a business similar to mine in my hometown. I became acquaintances with the owner(N). Aside from business matters I would occasionally run into this man out in town at local bars, restaurants etc always with his co-workers with whom I was also friends with more so than he and I. Well, after about two years this man and I shared a kiss. Now I will say that I didn't necessarily pursue him after that but he knew I was interested, he could always read me like a book it seemed. When I saw him out with his friends he was charming and generous and all smiles. I fell in love, almost immediately. He was dating someone and I was, sad to say married. About a month after after a tragedy occurred with his business, I received a call from one of his employees telling me they were reopening in a different location and could use some help with things. The minute I walked in there that evening I knew something wasnt right with N. He was kind of loopy and i thought he had been drinking but when I asked he said he was now on medication. That struck me as odd but after everyone had left he explained that he had been anxiety problems since the tragedy and had been put on two types of medicine. Well I began stopping in daily checking on him and checkin with my friends about how things were going etc.
Well to shorten this part up....the next few months were a complete whirlwind. We connected like there was no tomorrow. We couldnt keep our hands off one another and we were inseparable. By this point, we had both ended our relationships (oh and I found out after i was involved with him that he had still been with his girlfriend and that he was cheating on her with another girl but left them both when we got together. However I started noticing that he starting acting strangely at times and just very withdrawn and sometimes would just fly off in rages at his employees. They would always call me because I was the only who could calm him down. I knew he wasnt taking his medication properly and that was the problem.
So even crazier???? I move in with this man four months after we start this hot and heavy thing because I'm now somehow his everything. I felt responsible for him, I needed to fix him and take him back to who he was when I fell in love. Now, he had never before we moved in together turned this rage on me or had ever been anything but loving, needing and almost childlike with me. Then one morning in the kitchen I was a C*** for having done his laundry wrong. His bouts of depression hit and he began not sleeping at night, constantly making me feel like he was out with another girl or making little rude comments about me to his friends or just the name calling in general and the irritability oh my god I walked on egg shells and burst into tears at every turn. Then I was needy clingy over emotional and over sensitive and he didnt know how in the world I was ever a police officer. He would get so disgusted with me. He would get pissed off or enraged at something and mutter under his breath that he was going to get his gun and walk out, or have his deepest darkest desolate crying moments where all i could do was hold him while he begged me to fix him and talk to me about the horrible things his ex did him and other tragedies in his life and there were a few and some were in a short amount of time so I gave him that, and the next day he hated me and I made his life miserable oh but "please don't leave I need you and please fix me".
Now mind you we are running three business and let me throw in the fact that at this time I have a 12 yr old daughter living with us as well. He never blew up in front of her but she knew and but i knew his moods well enough to know when to keep her out of the house.
I felt stuck in so many ways and confused in so many ways....backed into a corner like a rat he said to me once.
Sadly, my business was the first to go. Sensibly, it was the lowest profiting however I couldn't get away from his business long enough to step foot in mine because I never knew if he was going to show up or get out of bed. So mine went out the window, I ended up with all the debt of course (still dealing with) and his is still very profitable to this day. All the equipment I had ended up in his business and I never saw a cent for it. ( I actually had a buyer once for one of the pieces of equipment and my N and I were on the outs and he was in the middle of begging me to come home and my phone rang and it was the buyer and my N got so pissed that I sold one of my pieces of equipment he told me never to speak to him again. Now he had invested money in my business as well and I worked in his and ran his for no pay so when it came to money he had total control. So the argument over what belongs to who didnt matter at this point.
I lasted about a year. There were numerous times he'd scream at me to get out only to turn around and walk back in a few hours later and hug me and say "you stayed." And love me again for the next few weeks. Now, I walked in one day after our first year's worth of these 3 months cycles and advised him that I would be moving. My daughter had just left for summer vacation and I had had it planned. I had rented a house and paid up three months of rent in the middle of nowhere bc I felt like I knew how much I loved this man and I didnt want to risk seeing him or him knowing where I lived so even then, before I knew exactly what was wrong I knew I would have to go no contact with him. He immediately lost control and started sobbing and begging to stay. I never moved but he knew I had paid up the rent and I told him I would leave the minute he started acting up so guess what, he acted great for three months. When he knew i had given the key back - after subtle pressure to do so, his cycles returned, the accusations,the criticisms, the nastiness towards me but sweet to everyone in front of me after he would have just berrated me ten minutes before, the cycles of the moods, sometimes several within hours and this went on for another year.
It had gotten to the point that i didnt see my family, spent little time with my daughter and had only two or three friends that I still associated with because I worked very long hours and felt like I was running all over town. He hated my friends and hated my family and would constantly say terrible things about them but then again I heard him say terrible things about his own family. He would break up with me over waking him up if he had to be somewhere important...just dont be here when i get back, i f****** hate you, you make me want to kill myself . But I was always supposed to ignore those things he's say because he was irritable and I should know better. He makes me feel like a rubber band he would pull back a little further each time to see how far i would go before I would snap. And when I snapped to the point of hysterics or what I felt for the first time in my life to be a nervous breakdown or I was just visibly exhausted he would come in and scoop me up and put me on his lap or put to me bed being so sweet. I literally aged ten years. Every now and then he would look at me and the bags under my eyes and say oh honey do I do this to you?
Until the next day so on and so forth. While this was going on I did manage to get him to at least two of 7 doctors appointments I had made and they had switched things and he still wouldn't take them right and by year but he never saw a psych. So by year THREE and a series short little break ups in between where he just be horrible telling me to leave and I would go stay with my parents but then he'd have me back in three days or sometimes two weeks...I rented a place and moved out. I left with my clothes, $32 and a bucket of change and my daughter. Why because I hadnt had a paycheck since i worked in his store ( i treated it like it was mine) and mine was closed down by now..... I, as he so eloquently stated one day "you work to earn your keep"....
DID I STAY AWAY??????? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still sympathized with him when he would cry and beg. He could be the most reasonable sounding person I'd ever met when he was convincing me as to why I should forgive him.
Since I only lived 20 minutes away so he could come up whenever and he would, which was fine but the nights he wouldnt come up...surely I was having sex with other people because he wasnt there. Then the trust issues really came out....He actually had "heard" a rumor and came up to my house(not telling me what he heard) came in as planned we had sex which BY THE WAY WAS A RARITY IN THE THREE YEARS THUS FAR BECAUSE THERE WERE ALWAYS PROBLEMS ON HIS END NO DOUBT BC OF THE MEDS so when we did it was kind of surprising but now i just think he just held it over my head sometimes. But anyway, came to my house, had sex with me, had dinner and then broke up with me 20 minutes later calling me a whore bc of this rumor. This was the night before New Years Eve. The next night (NYE) he went out with a bunch of his friends who live nearby but he hadnt seen in years because of all this medication/anxiety/depression/social anxiety etc BS)
So of course, because he and i never went out, i guess he thought by accidentally calling me at midnight but then saying anything just so i know he was out was to hurt my feelings. Two days later he calls me and tells me he hates me and wishes I would die etc and then when i was very rude to him on the phone and threatened to tell his parents of his words...i received apologetic messages and voicemails for the next week pleading me until finally he contacted me with a long apologetic message saying he knew something was wrong, possibly bipolar or ocd, and that he an appt monday and longshot etc etc etc would i go etc etc and before you know it i'm on the phone consoling him!!!! And guess what he didnt go to the appt and I still stayed with him....
JUMP AHEAD another year(still living 20 minutes apart at the end of my lease)....after a series of him just not showing up once after he said he was on his way ( i was sick on the couch with the flu) and he was coming to bring me stuff, but didnt hear him from him for two days until he showed up (not realizing i was home) to get stuff out of the garage and wouldnt even look me in the eye and then tell me had been at the bar while I just stood there and looked at him in disbelief asking why couldnt you just have texted me and said you were going with your friends instead of leaving me to wonder and ignoring my phone calls.
He always would leave me to wonder, whether it would be for hours or days or a month. Well during one of these "break ups" one where he couldnt get a hold of me for 20 minutes via phone bc I was i was lying down with a migraine and when i called him right back (heard the phone on the last ring) he demanded to know where i was and what i was doing and why i didnt answer the phone (this was all the time by the way) I lived with my phone in my hand bc i id better dare not answer in case he needed something. But he didnt even have to know where his was. Anyway, I Took all his clothes and everything back (bc of course i still did all his laundry and cleaned his apartment and worked in his business form time to time but he is now medication free woo hoo!! So during this split up I began seeing someone else. Not a savory character either apparently (didnt know at first but got warnings from my N when he found out but why would i believe him? but I slept with him after a few weeks because he said all the right things and was nice and actually wanted to be in the same room with me and did everything the N didnt do. Well you guess it the N and I end up back together and I was honest about (BIG MISTAKE) and its been held over my head ever since.
He however was ecstatic when we got back together and i moved back in to our apt after having lived away for a year bc strangely enough the longer he was off medication, the little bit better he seemed to be. We were great for about two months. We went on vacation (a first) we started designing and hiring contractors for a house that he had bought years before that we were going to be moving into once it was finished blah blah blah living the dream. I picked out my appliances and laid everything out how I wanted. So in love an so happy that everything was finally going so well and damn, dont you know it...the rug got pulled.
One day he told me he wanted a threesome and he felt like I owed that to him. And it became something that to this day, has ruled the last yr of my relationship. Well part of it. He looked at me and said you give me a threesome or ill find someone on my own..you owe me. He started distancing himself sleeping in the other room, the sex pretty much stopped and of course "if youre not getting it from me youre getting it somewhere " shit started. I couldnt go the grocery store without him wanting to know why i was gone for 2 hrs when really all it was was that was my two hours to get away from him and the business (we lived above). He used to get mad if i said i was going to a friends and then came home 15 minutes late bc he had made plans for us to go looking at something and i was home later than planned and don't let it happen again. AND when I say he yelled, he was 6'03" and 280 lbs and at times 300 lbs. he was intimidating.
Funny though I never feared him physically. He always said I knew too many people and he hated that. and he loved his reputation as successful.
So once vacation was over (jan 2013 , this whole whirlwindl began in june 2009) things continued to get worse, but now the break ups werent just blow ups. He would just wake up one day and spend three hours brooding around getting mad when i ask and eventually go off to sulk in the bdrm until I would go in and he would spend the next couple of hours telling me I wasnt the kind of woman he wanted and i wasnt educated enough and i didnt contribute to the relationsip (good one since he still has business because of me) and so on and so forth. Then he would leave and go out with his friends. Friends who to his day other than maybe hearing it through the grapevine dont know that i ever dated him lived with him or anything else. So after a few of these, JULY now he gives me another tiresome day of telling me why im not good enough, leaves to go meet friends and begins texting me a few hours later about how this feels wrong etc etc and i'm his angel and he wouldnt be here or have anything if it werent for me blah blah. He makes me a deal that he will go to the doctor by aug. By this point hes been off medication for 1 1/2 yrs and we have been looking into hormone replace therapy. His idea. Possibly low testosterone etc. A-HA theres another hope!!!!!!! Maybe this will make him more tolerable. He says if he doesnt make the appoint by Aug (2013) that I can leave and never come back.
August arrived and he knew I was leaving to take my daughter to a few states away (which was why he made the deal in the first place) on a short vacation and the day i was leaving I loaded all my clothes in the car and as he woke up and walked down the hallway got pissed off that i had packed my things for the 30th time and i handed him the phone and said now if you care about us make the appointment and i got F*** Y**.
I left. I enjoyed the next few days on vacation a few states away with my daughter and no real plan of what I was going to do. And never went back.
Just to clarify she had been living a few states away since FEB with her dad and going to a private school.
So i was returning her to that state for school.I stayed with friends for a few weeks, secured a job immediately.
He contacted me a few days after I had left with a lot of apologies etc and of course we have been talking back and forth ever since.
The first book I read when I moved away Why does he do that? About verbal abuse and i always thought he was bipolar. but we have met up a few times(halfway) and gotten cabins and had great times and went our separate ways. But he always calls me within 24 hrs and breaks it off saying he needs more and when I say okay he texts me back and says oh just ignore me i'm tired. We've talked about me moving home WHY YOU MIGHT ASK????IS SHE CRAZY?????? Well three days after the big blow up the morning he refused to make the appointment and I walked out, he made the appointment and he went (even tho he has a huge fear of needles) and his testosterone was low along with other levels so we agreed he would take the supplement and sees how it affects him and if extra testosterone etc makes him more irritable etc and then BAM right before christmas, he calls me and needs me to come home. One of his employees was out indefinitely and he needed me. Well By this point we had met up twice, I had gotten somewhat temporarily kicked to the curb each time and I was reading everything I could get my hands on. But never about narcissism. Always about bipolar and i just always felt if i could get him t get right on the medication it would be ok but when he said he would never see a therapist and we started looking into the hormone therapy as an alternative i just always thought it was something that could be treated.
We were arguing (mind you I live 10 hrs away) one day and i let a friend of mine read his texts because I would just get so exasperated on how everything was my fault and she pointed out narcissism. I read psychopath free in a what felt like a matter of minutes and have never had everything click together so perfectly. He began asking me to come home because the apartments was a disaster and the business was too much...well having read so much about Narcissism at this point I danced around the subject asking him to give me until the middle of January. Well I spent his bd with him which is the beg of jan and things were great as always and i made the road trip him and texted him the next day saying i was headed to work and he immediately got pissed wanting me to get back in my car and drive home right then. Well after two days of going round and round he calls me a day later and says hes done and when i asked why ? because I really pi**** him off and i wasnt there for him when he needed me and i let him down (yes I've never been there for him...this was man who i would stop what i was doing and drive an hour to go find him (with no help from him of course)when he would run out of gas and call me bi****** and saying his life sucks and he wants to step in front of a truck)and made up a bunch of other reasons that didnt even make sense when in all reality it was because his other employee was coming back to work and I found out he has a family member cleaning for him now etc. I took this as my opportunity (considerings some of he insults he slung on the phone) to block him for the first time in years.
But he got a hold of me two weeks later on FB with a simple I miss talking to you message. Of course I was cold to him at first but before I knew it I was on the phone in tears asking him what had happened and he just would say things like when I think about losing you I get a sick feeling in my stomach or maybee I said that and he agreed.
Anyway we go on to talk for about two days and meanwhile he's asking me if ive hooked up with anyone etc and I respond with the fact the I was just with him three weeks prior and no Ive spent all my time wondering about im and us and then he tells me that this girl at work (one he knows ive always disliked which is why she she still works there and he is always deleting texts from her etc) well he informed me just the other day that they have feelings for one another but he's 99.9 % sure I have nothing to worry about but then makes jokes about her to jab at me and hurt my feelings and then a day later tells me another of his ex girlfriends has gotten in touch about having drinks and he doesnt know if hes going to or not so when I ask about or get upset he says I have to go and i havent really talked to him since.
When tried to tell him i was done with the games yesterday and told him that eventually one of these two girls will figure him out bc we do have mutual friends he tells me" that id regret leaving him if i tried to break it off maybe not today or tom but eventually we both would regret it and that he has been feeling better for months since he's been taking his shots (which no one but me and maybe one other person know about ) and im not going to be around to see it.etc, etc, etc" but then tells me i have too much b**** in me (when i call him out on his behavior or his cycles) and that im not helping my cause (my cause being pick me pick me?) .
But then when i softened up and he had the sweet upset me he went right back into joking about having threesomes with one of these two girls and laughs and carries on until im in tears again. A few texts here and there, still tells me he loves me but then I see on FB that he just friended this ex girlfriend. SHE HAS A KID... A LITTLE ONE..My daughter is now 16 and she and I have a great relationship but we didnt for a long time because of him and my daughter loves everyone and she cant stand the thought of my N.
I tried in the beginning to get help from his mother and sister, telling them of the depression and suicide threats and the hateful rages he would go in but eventually they also turned it around on me.
I am 10 hours away and still he controls my emotions better than I do. I want so badly to contact these two girls and tell the to run especially the one the kid but then he makes me out to look crazy. Ive also thought about contacting another ex girlfrind of his who hasnt had contact with him in years who had a very toxic relationship with that he swears was the reason he never trusted me was because of her and things she did and said but five years later I wonder who did what? he has no respect for women and is prejudice as can be so why do I love him????????? He sent me a goodnight text just a while ago...I guess he was done chatting with these other two girls, I told him he was the most cruel person ive ever met and i dont understand how someone can just cruelly, continuously and intentionally hurt someone. I didnt get a response....UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH...do i just block everything right now...why does he always throw getting better in my face when he knows all the dark places we've been and he knows that what ive been hoping for...
The sh**** part is, he'll chat with these girls and once he realizes he cant date them bc they are too close to work or his other friends who know nothing of how he is, he comes running back to me. I can honestly say that up until now I dont believe he's ever cheated...he's never had to..he gets enough of a rise out of me by me always putting me in the pick me pick me situation when he gets to flirting around, calling me and telling me about it and the disappearing and returning and WHAT AM I DOING???? I had my life togeher, owned my own home cars etc and now am completely starting over with nothing.
Is it me??? is it possible that he'll be okay with someone else???? He used to blame the fact that we worked together and lived together and never had time apart which is somewhat true but ive never been with someone I couldnt call to pick me up if something was wrong with a car or to give me a ride somewhere or even pick something up for me from a store he was going to because i was an inconvenience, a burden a pain in the a** as he liked to call me. The last serious gf he had before me was about four years in length as well and i heard terrible stories after we got together about them but she was also very unstable herself with drugs/alcohol..he used to tell me he was attracted to her bc he thought he could save her and that she destroyed him in the end that she cheated on him and got him in fights and ruined him. I used to hate her and blame her for my problems with him...i'd like the chance to talk with her and see if anything I went through is what she went through. He wasnt controlling with his next gf tho (the one he was seeing when we got together) but he used to tell me they never fought and he didnt care if she went out with her friends and that she sucked in bed and then he would tell me that the reason he didnt care if she cheated on him was bc he didnt care about her. And then I GOT HIM...LUCKY ME!!!
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I'd really like to copy and paste this life of mine into an email and send it off to these two girls who have no idea what they are in for but then again i don't know if he'll pursue them or if this yet another "punishment" technique because he didnt get me home when he needed me. and eventually he'll come back around..
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He tells me hes been better with everything and feeling better for months bc of these treatments , than why is he still so ignorant and belittling and callous on the phone? Doesnt sound like he is getting better. Why did I have to run from a town where all my friends are and family...I like where I am now better but why should he come out of this looking like a hurt puppy bc I left him to move here? I abandoned him he says, never mind the deal that was HIS idea and the DEAL that he broke or the 4 yrs of hurt and tears leading up to it.. I should have been more patient and understanding about the doctor thing, he does have that fear of needles you know, never mind the fact he made it 3 dys later and then texted me about it and went. The worst thought is, is what if he is getting better. I dont think so,,,,while hes going out with all these people from work and being social for the first time in years, its still me he calls when he wants to tell me how lazy and worthless they are. The girl he works with that now "has" mutual feelings (that arent going anywhere) was supposed to be fired two weeks before all this because HIs words "shes frumpy, lazy worthless and trashy and all she does is belch, its disgusting." Now he has feelings for her WTH ??I asked him when these feelings erupted since he had just felt this opposite her way about her only a short while before and he said (and i'm almost certain he slipped by saying it) but when i asked how long he'd been interested in her he said probably as long as ive known you havnt liked her. Sounds like someone who is normal or am I crazy here?
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Sorry but i'm pretty sure that's the first time ive ever put it all out there so I got kind of lengthy. The sad part is is that there are so many little things i could say and i'll say that's one thing he always said he hated about me was my ability to remember everything. the longer im away from him the more i remember.
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He used to refer to me as "it"....Ohhh he'd say when hed hurt my feelings and make me cry...its feelings are hurt and then he'd give me a hug or he'd say something rudely but "joking" as he always would and the it was ohh...i made it mad..come here... laugh and hug..
I can't imagine anyone in my small town would want that in their life and that's what worries him most is being found out.
Again, I'm sorry what started out as upset and constantly checking my phone earlier for anything from him has turned into me being really p***** right now...i am sorry for rambling and i am headed to bed now