FROM BAOG and biyuda to peluka and p*tang in@: how updated are you? Find out by answering this news quiz. Good luck!
1: Habang pinag-uusapan ang Charter Change, nagkainitan sina Surigao del Norte Rep. Robert ‘Ace’ Barbers at Surigao del Sur Rep. Prospero Pichay. Nagpang-abot ang dalawa at nagkasigawan. Alin sa mga sumusunod ang sinabi nila sa isa’t isa?
A:
Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Magnanakaw!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
B:
Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Mas nauna akong nagsabi ng putang ina. Talo ka na.
Pichay: Mas nauna si Pangulong Duterte, tanga!
C:
Barbers: Putang ina mo!
Pichay: Putang ina mo rin!
Barbers: Overweight ka gago!
Pichay: Hayup ka! Wala namang personalan!
2: Ayon kay Senate justice committee chair Richard Gordon, walang state-sponsored o state-sanctioned extrajudicial killing sa bansa. Ano raw meron?
A: Wala lang. Presidenteng nag-e-encourage na patayin mo ang may atraso sa ‘yo. ‘Yon lang. Masama bang pumatay? Uso naman ah.
B: Wala lang. Ilusyon lang ang lahat.
C: Wala lang. Ang mga iniulat na napatay, lahat nag-suicide!
3: Matapos tawaging “psychopath” ni Agot Isidro si Pangulong Duterte, sari-saring paninira ang ginawa ng Duterte fanatics sa aktres – na pinaniwalaan naman at shinare pa ng mga istupido sa social media. Ngunit ano ba ang reaksyon ng Pangulo sa sinabi ni Agot?
A: Bahala na ang mga kampon ko sa ‘yo. Good luck na lang.
B: Everyday, beginning today, sa isip ko’y yakap ka pa. Peace!
C: Ok lang. Totoo namang psychopath ako eh. At least, honest ako at may nagawa. Eh s’ya?
4: Nag-apologize sa social media ang National Anti-Poverty Commission (NAPC) na pinamumunuan ni Liza Maza ng militanteng Gabriela dahil sa offensive post ng official Facebook at Twitter accounts ng ahensya laban kina Agot Isidro at Vice President Leni Robredo. Ano ang ipinost ng NAPC troll na pinasusuweldo pa man din ng gobyerno?
A: Gutom na gutom siguro sa lalaki itong sina Agot Isidro at Leni Robredo.
B: Isidro, Robredo… tuta ng Kano… i-bagsak!
C: Ang ingay-ingay ng baog at ng biyuda. Manahimik na lang kayo Agot Isidro at Leni Robredo.
5: Instead na sampahan siya ng kaso sa Ombudsman, sinampahan si Senador De Lima ng kaso sa Dep’t. of Justice. Ayon sa Senadora, “Maybe because that is the domain of Aguirre, the master of fakery.” Siyempre, pinatulan siya ni Aguirre. Ano ang sabi nito?
A: Fake-fake mong madumi!
B: ‘Tang ina mo! Inaano ka ba ng peluka ko?!
C: I have a saba, I have a De Lima. Ugh! De Lima-Saba!
6: Sino ito?
A: Wenn Deramas
B: Winnie Castelo
C: Zooey Deschanel
7: Muling tinira ni Pangulong Duterte ang ilang lider ng CBCP na kritikal sa kanyang madugong war on drugs. He recently lashed out at former Davao bishop Fernando Capalla. Duterte said, “Mga pari putang ina, bwisit. Mga pamoral-moral. Si Capalla, ‘yong bishop namin doon, pareho man kaming __________.” Ano?
A: Pareho man kaming malibog n’yan!
B: Pareho man kaming nagva-Viagra n’yan!
C: Pareho man kaming buang n’yan!
8: Itinanggi ng dating bold actress na si Rosanna Roces na kabit siya ng isang drug lord sa Bilibid. Kumpletuhin ang paliwanag ni Osang: “Hindi droga ang business ko sa Bilibid (kundi) ________.”
A: Ligaya. Ligaya ang itawag mo sa akin.
B: Catering. Alam mo na! #HappyMeal
C: Caregiving. I care, they give.
9: Kinuyog ng Duterte supporters and Duterte fanatics ang Miss Earth-Philippines na si Imelda Schweighart dahil sa binitiwan nitong salita tungkol kay President Duterte habang kausap ang candidate mula sa Germany. Ano ang kontrobersyal na sinabi ni Schweighart?
A: “You know what Ms Germany, our President is uncircumcised like many Europeans. Hihihi”
B: “You are German, I’m half-German, and our President is half-Hitler. Winner!”
C: “Our President’s ex-wife has German roots. So let’s be careful. He’s kinda manyak.”
10: May kadramahan na naman si Kris Aquino. Inamin ng TV host na nagtampo siya nang husto sa ex-husband niyang si James Yap recently dahil:
A: May lovelife ang basketbolista, siya wala. #saklap
B: Hindi siya kinuhang ninang sa bago nitong baby
C: Trip lang. Part ‘yon ng annual tradition ni Kris. Kailangang awayin niya si James every year.
IN OTHER NEWS…
Ifugao lawmaker Teodoro Baguilat Jr. has filed a bill that seeks to promote mental health protection and improve mental health services. In a private text message, the President said, “Thanks for the concern.”
Mental Health II
Baguilat said there’s a serious problem of lack of qualified mental health personnel in the Philippines. Today, there are only 490 government psychiatrists. And they’re all assigned to the President.
ICC Reacts
The International Criminal Court has spoken. ICC chief prosecutor Fatou Bensouda said she is “deeply concerned” about reports of extrajudicial killings of suspected drug dealers and users in the Philippines. She added statements by “high officials” in the counry “seem to condone such killings.” At press time, President Duterte has yet to release a statement although his online trolls have already released racist memes.
Fight
Congressmen Ace Barbers and Prospero Pichay traded insults and nearly came to blows during a House hearing the other day. Barbers and Pichay are just two of the reasons why there is a “Low” in Lower House.
Damage
Reacting to the incident involving Congressmen Barbers and Pichay and the damage this may have caused to the image of the House of Representatives, Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez said, “Hindi naman siguro talagang na-damage.” Besides, what’s there left to damage?
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“If you want to discover the true character of a person, you have only to observe what they are passionate about.”
~Shannon L. Alder
Sound Bites
“Sa isang banda, si Agot Isidro, may sense sinasabi; kung gusto mong magutom, magutom kang mag-isa ‘wag mong kami idamay. Kung sumama ang ekonomiya, madadamay lahat nang karamihan ng Pilipino na magugutom.”
~Sen. Panfilo Lacson
“For the record, I don’t have a lover now. I don’t have a boyfriend now. I wish I had one so that he will take care of me.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima
Elsewhere
‘Don’t feed the trolls’ really is a good advice. Here’s the evidence.
“Deny them the pleasure of an angry reaction, and they’ll probably leave you alone.”
Don’t be gullible.
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
[Photos: Barbers vs. Pichay: Inquirer.Net; Imelda Schweighart on IG; General Bato on IG]