So it’s Danny vs Louise now? Not Danny vs Ore? So hard to keep up these days.
Last Week : serial killers and demons and bloodythirsty vampires and reanimated corpses and vengeful ghosts and practitioners of the dark arts and vile experimenters and death itself and then the worst archfiend of them all
……….THE KING OF BUTTERFLIES! FEAR HIS FLUTTERY WRATH! QUAKE IN DREAD AT HIS TURQUOISE MAJESTY! QUAVER AT HIS FLUTTERING ANTENNA, DODGE WITH YOUR EVERY STEP THE MERCILESS THRUM OF HIS PITILESS WINGS, AND FEEL STRANGELY AROUSED BY HIS MIGHTY SEGMENTED THORAX! NOBODY ESCAPES HIS JUDGMENT! YOU ALL WILL BE CALLED TO ACCOUNT IN HIS COCOON COURT! You’ve got an overdue parking ticket that’ll be £25 please.
This week : at the halfway point, our remaining celebrities are taking this pre-show time to pay tribute to their pros. Giovanni is incredible, Natalie really understands how to get the best out of Greg (it’s rumbadodging), Joanne and Ore have the best time together, Claudia wants to make AJ proud, Daisy feels like Aljaz has become like her
BROTHER, HE’S LIKE HER BROTHER, DON’T GET IT TWISTED TABLOIDS, and Danny thinks that Oti is a massive inspiration to everyone.
That time they played Whack-A-Mole in training was so much fun. He definitely won’t forget the routine ever again. Some other things he can’t remember now – what day it is, what his name is, that sort of thing. But the routines? Never again.
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These two were best of friends as well, BIG DADDY LOVES HIS LATINASTACIA HOT SPICY MAMA YEE H…oh have they turned the cameras off right, bye love, I’ve left a complimentary mint in your suitcase, if you want to speak to me again call my agent.
The band strikes up and if you were worried about the lack of theme this week, then don’t worry
it’s Tess Wears A Hideous Jumpsuit Week. That’s always a classic. Who can forget that heartwarming interview with Sunetra Sarker where she said that her Dead Nan always used to wear hideous pastel coloured jumpsuits and she just wanted to stay in to see Tess wear one? And hey remember when Anton wanted to make it this far because he won all of his Ballroom Championships wearing hideous jumpsuits? Memories. At any rate, it’s Bonfire Night on Strictly, so get ready for bangers galore (thanks Wardrobe), the judges spinning like Catherine Wheels, and most perturbingly, a neglected old damp squib of a rocket that goes off in everyone’s faces when it’s least expected. By which I mean Len’s after Louise’s Argentine Tango.
Danny Mac & Oti Mabuse dancing the jive
I know it feels like this series has been on for a long time, but I didn’t realise it was Christmas already! I haven’t done any of my shopping! Tess reminds us that Danny muffed up his foxtrot last week, but we’re all hoping for him to come roaring back with his jive flicks and kicks. Speak for yourself. In my darker hours I’m starting to hope for the multiple car pile-up that only a Greg-Rinder-EdBalls final could provide in this Year Of The Man. Don’t tell me it wouldn’t be memorable. Imagine three showdances of that calibre, more over Tom Chambers.
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VT time, and indeed it’s given over to Danny making a mess of his foxtrot. The great thing is that this all means that the show has to try to wring drama yet again out of slow-motion foxtrot footwork
LOOK! IF WE SHOW IT FROM THIS ANGLE IT SORT OF LOOKS LIKE OTI TROD ON HIS FOOT! ISH! DRAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAA! I think my favourite part is Danny waffling on about how it’s alright, they went wrong, but it’s cool, they just have to pick themselves up, not sweat it, carry on, know there are worse things in life than mucking up a dance etc etc and then at the end Oti
just eyeballs him and says “…and do a better job”. I don’t think forgiveness comes easy to this one.
Training, and Oti tells us that Danny’s jive this week will be set in a pool hall.
Already I think I can make out Danny’s billiards if I squint. Anyway, this sets up another round of Danny vs Oti : VT Wars. After he bested her at fencing and she bested him at conducting, the final (please) game is a winner take all round of pool. As you might expect it turns out that whilst Danny is good at pool, Oti is amazing
and capable of pocketing all the balls at once via the power of skill, precision, and a researcher hiding under the table with a vacuum cleaner on full suck. They’ve borrowed him off Bruno for the week. This all gives Danny a great opportunity to show off his
Hollyoaks Surprised Faces acting. It’s like one of those Youtube videos where someone does a magic trick for a Labrador Retriever. Oti wins, handily, let’s all hope that this pretence they’ve set up where Danny exists even on the same competitive plane as Oti Mabuse in any field ends now.
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TO THE DIVE BAR!
LOL ringer. Oti and Danny are jiving to “Long Tall Sally” which I was really excited about until I remembered that no human being alive, and certainly none in the Strictly Band, is quite Little Richard’s equal. It all starts with a moment of
impeccable side-eye sass and then they’re off to the races. Definitely this is a dance that’s serving its purpose tonight – to intimidate the hell out of everyone else still to come with its sheer force of ringerness and ever pumping limbs. Technically it’s almost certainly the best dance of the night, and he’s also performing the hell out of it, even with his trousers pulled up to his armpits. There’s
powerful high kicks
double sliding splits
hair-slickin’ “gettin a beej in my lunchbreak” hands
and even a jumping splits off the pool table to finish it off. If I have one criticism of the choreography it’s that the routine is pretty much backloaded with all these stunts – I know if I was taking screenshots of the first 45 seconds rather than the last 45 then it’d just be a lot of him stomping about very decorously. I do wonder if after he blanked out last week Oti was a little bit…safe here, and hopefully we’ll soon get a routine where they get to the fireworks factory a little bit quicker.
I know he can do it. I can just feel it happening on a Charleston and I really don’t want it to happen on a Charleston, because it’s a frigging Charleston.
He huffs and puffs over to Tess, who takes this time to introduce the usual suspects.
I include this picture only to give Lance full props for wearing literally the tiniest Rememberance Sunday poppy I have ever seen, right in the middle of his tie. It’s like a sandtrap for the Poppy Patrol to go charging headlong into. Oh and of course
Davearch. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THINK YOU SEE SOMEONE WAVING FOR HELP BACK THERE? THAT’S NOTHING, THAT’S JUST MY SON HE HAS EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS SO HE HAS TO STAY INDOORS MOST OF THE TIME, NOW PLEASE LEAVE MY PROPERTY I THINK YOU’RE UPSETTING HIM. NO THAT’S NOT HIM WHIMPERING, WE’VE GOT A SICK DOG.
Len starts for the judges, and gushes that Danny is back in the game, and he’s not sure that that’s LONG TALL SALLY so much as it was FAST FOOT DANNY. Or more accurately Fast Food Danny – quick, dirty, a little bit greasy, and leaving me feeling a little thirsty… Still, as it’s Len, he thought Danny’s legs were a little bent. Oti’s all
“sometimes hitting your partner in the knee with a crowbar because they forgot their foxtrot can have lasting effects yes, but I stand by my methods”. Bruno follows, hollering that Danny is a MAJOR LEAGUE HUSTLER and that he doesn’t know what’s going on this year with men and their suddenly being able to jive. You wait until Ed has a go Bruno, I’ve got a feeling that, as Chloe – Queen Of It Takes Two might say, that he’s going to take it to a WHOLE NOTHER LEVEL. Anyway Bruno flails around gurning about how Danny was on it and cool “just went right under him in a most unexpected way” (…?!…) and then Craig has to break in to say it wasn’t that good darling. Oh Craig, let Bruno feel his fantasy, he’s losing his best girl tonight. Great pirouettes, great jumping split, but he needed more restraction in his legs. Darcey finishes off, saying that she loved the “pull and tug” between Danny and Oti (I bet she did, the dirty birdy) and she’s not surprised he didn’t have strong straight legs given the speed of everything. Darcey criticising something before giving it a 10 there.
Up to Claud 9 they duck where Danny talks about how nervous (drink) he had been about blanking out and forgetting the routine again like he did last week. He says that he was worried, but then wiped it out of his head by remembering just how good he felt in those first few weeks when he was MegaRinger and nothing could touch him, and he broke through. Also Oti took him out to the carpark and showed him a duffelbag in her car boot that contained a blowtorch, some pliers, and a set of very fine needles. Scores are in
38. Jesus, is Tess somehow managing to grope his GUNZ even from the studio floor?
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At this point Chas & Dave come out to do Snooker Loopy over the Terms & Conditions, and everyone goes mental, singing along, clapping, dancing about and acting the fool. Everyone that is
except Oksana who looks confused and bored. Rindy’s attempts to perk her up, like someone who’s accidentally brought their flamboyantly gay son to a football match, are adorable indeed.
Daisy Lowe & Aljaz Skorjanec dancing the Viennese Waltz
Tess tells us that Daisy’s had a tough week, what with being in the Bottom 2 and all, but this week she’s coming back with a Viennese Waltz set at a flower stall. Apparently Aljaz has made sure that she’s well watered, given plenty of direct sunlight, and then he fed her after midnight and she turned into a Gremlin. Something like that.
And lo, in her VT,
Daisy is lit from behind with soft-focus sunlight, making it feel as though she is speaking to us from beyond the grave, from Strictly heaven. Those sun-dappled uplands where Rachel and Vincent dance the rumba dressed as cherubs forever, and Alesha feasts on everlasting nibbles. She tells us that she knew she was going to be on the dance-off last week, as she felt like she hadn’t given her paso her all on the night, but she’s glad that she got to do it justice when she performed it again in the dance-off. If she says so.
In training, after last week’s slightly self-pitying affair
it’s all smiles again for these two. That’s Daisy thinking about floaty dresses, princess tiaras and “beautiful balls in Vienna” apparently. I’ve never bagged an Austrian, so I’ll take her word for it. As Daisy is so inspired by the authentic Viennese origins of the dance, the BBC have sprung for a free holiday for her in
North London. What, did you think she was Louise Redknapp or something? Busfare expenses only and Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig wants the receipts on her desk by Sunday morning. Daisy is taught by “Gary & Martha”, who work the markets, how to sell fruit and veg. And by “how to sell”, I mean Daisy repeats customers orders back to them whilst someone else handles the bagging up and all the old dears flock round Aljaz looking for a photo opp. Bless Daisy, I don’t see her bellowing out “FIVE FOR A PAAAAAAAAAAAAHND” down the markets any time soon, even if the modelling work does dry up. Based on her lung capacity as demonstrated on the show so far she’d be reaching for the inhaler 10 minutes in anyway.
TO THE FRUIT AND VEG STALL!
I’ve looked and I’ve looked but I can’t see any hint of Aljaz’s plums there. The quest continues. Daisy is waltzing to “Daisy Bell” aka “Daisy Daisy”, a music choice so on the nose I can’t believe it wasn’t used for her in Week 1. Actually it would have made a cracking Hallowe’en dance for her as well. Aljaz could have been AL500, an insane dying robot who shoves Daisy out the airlock at the end. Hire me for Hallowe’en theming guys, I am very much available. The theming here? A little overtwee for my liking. It all begins with Daisy twirling into the marketplace
with Aljaz AGOG at her beauty.
AGOG I tell you, and then proceeds to a very cutesy Viennese with lots of little hops and skips and
moments where they’re pretending to ride a tandem bicycle together. Daisy having way more self-control regarding her hand placements in that segment than I think any of the rest of us would have. It all feels like it’s aiming for the full on LSD Euromadness of something like Pixie Lott’s Viennese Waltz and isn’t quite landing it 100%. Apart maybe from in this moment
where flower petals start falling from the ceiling and Daisy genuinely looks like she’s just been told this week’s dance-off results. A lovely dance, and her ballroom technique is (mostly) still reasonably clean, but not a roaring comeback so much as a solid entry in Daisy’s portfolio moving forwards.
Nice.
Afterwards, Daisy gets a fit of hysterics so all-encompassing I worry that flower petals weren’t all that was being pumped in through the vents during the dance. Bruno is worryingly calm for his comments as well, all about how Daisy was light and elegant as a feather, which only goes to confirm it for me. If it’s calmed Bruno down those are some powerful drugs indeed. I’m not even sure he stood up once! Craig’s next, and says he thought Daisy coped very well with all the changes of direction, and loved the quirky choreography, but he thought she messed up the throwaway oversway. Aljaz jokingly (or not) protests that it was only meant to be a throwaway. This is one of those moments I have to plead total ignorance I’m afraid.
Darcey’s next, and she says that she loved all the rotations (it’s a Viennese Waltz love) and can only imagine how dizzy Daisy got in there, but she’d love to see her exaggerate her topline just a little more. Still, Darcey thinks she’s got a beautiful aura, and that’s what counts. Does it surprise me that Darcey believes in auras? Not a bit. I bet she’s well into her homeopathy and her healing crystals and her magnesium infused air filtration systems as well. Len closes by saying that it was a charming dance, and reminded him of a daisy chain. Let’s not speculate on Len’s involvement or otherwise with daisy chains, and just appreciate how deftly and subtly he tells Darcey she’s talking utter arse about top-lines.
Up to Claud 9 Daisy parps, where she giggles about being a princess and Darcey telling her she has a lovely aura, and Claudia tries to tell us that Stern Aljaz came out in training this week.
How would we ever know, we never bloody see any. Maybe someone tried to shoplift a bunch of bananas from the marketstall and he WASN’T HAVING IT? Scores are in
34. Still fairly resolutely “early 30s” isn’t she?
Ore Oduba & Joanne Clifton dancing the salsa
I still think he’s very handsome gawd bless him.
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VT time and there’s a lot of “well it was fun” and “I enjoyed myself!” about their Charleston, because I’m fairly sure it’s illegal on this show to express hatred of the Charleston. Imagine if they’d given it to Gavbot. His absolute loathing of it would have been legendary. Having to dress up stupid, having to pull faces, having to heft Katya about, probably not being able to take his top off. LOATHED it he would have, and I would have loved every second. Anyway, at this point Joanne is just about ready to admit that the lift went wrong, as we see it
repeated in slow-motion with a sound-bed of her going “woooAARRghhARGH” over the top, making it all resemble an old kung-fu movie.
Training now and throughout
Ore is modelling this leftover from the Will Young collection. Joanne tells him that in salsa, you always have to be moving, and nothing is allowed to stop or be still or be quiet ever ever ever ever ever. You’d think this would suit Joanne down to the ground wouldn’t you? Ore on the other hand is finding it a little difficult to integrate his hip movement with the fact that he also has to do lifts, especially after the mess that happened last week.
Well good luck to him.
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
Every woman who’s ever worked behind a bar will recognise that lean and that facial expresion. Not many will remember it positively. Meanwhile at the other end of the room
Joanne looks sort of terrifying. I know people have said it a lot about Natalie, but that is pure Vicky Sparkles right there in the flesh. The two of them are dancing to “Turn The Beat Around” by Vicky Sue Moore and for a routine that started with a VT focusing around the need to never stop moving
he appears to stop moving quite a lot throughout, usually with the same puffed-out cheeks effortful face, usually to support Joanne doing…something or other. I think he’s been let down by choreography here, as the whole routine seems to be him supporting Joanne showing off (and with the best will in the world, Joanne is not a salsa dancer), and it looks laboured, especially in the lifts, all of which just about come off, but all of which also require a lot of set-up and throughout all of which Ore handles Joanne like she weighs twice her actual body weight. Could it have hurt to give Ore a few moments to show himself off, beyond the odd (and I mean) odd moment where he
swings his butt at the audience so hard it almost takes out the entire front row? Apparently this routine was choreo’d by Mr Oksana himself, and as I said way back in my preview posts for the new pros I’ve never liked his work when I’ve seen it on So You Think You Can Dance, so it’s no surprise, but still a shame. It all ends with Ore goosing up the crowd for the endpose
Joanne falling backwards down the stairs. And I’ve done that many times whilst drunk and never expected applause for it.
We get a quick pan to Claud 9, and I don’t want to spoil anyone’s fantasies specifically but
there’s a bit of a family resemblence there isn’t there? Can we trace Mummy Anton’s family tree back through Spain? I want a Who Do You Think You Are? style tearful reveal in the finale please. (Congrats to Anton for the baby news incidentally. So many pros sprogging these days…) Once Ore reaches Tess she yells “THOSE HIPS! THOSE LIFTS!” as Ore goes to
give Joanne yet another squeeze that leaves her looking a bit longingly wistful for her personal space. Wherever that went all those weeks ago. Craig starts by saying that Ore is now back in it, as those lifts were brilliant and he liked the accents Ore put on everything, but he felt the hip action was missing. Darcey’s next and says she liked it, but felt like Ore was overemphasising his arms at the expense of his legs. She then demonstrates this
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in a way that borders on the terrifying.
Len’s next, praising Ore for his fun, flair and flamboyance and saying that he was staring at Ore’s arse throughout and didn’t detect any problems. Good to know. Finally Bruno closes by yelling that Ore TURNED ON THE HEAT. Well it is that time of year isn’t it?
Up to Claud 9 they wriggle with
time for a quick mug to camera on the way. Ore tells Claudia he was crestfallen last week but he has fallen in love with salsa, and he and Joanne have never had as much fun in training as they’ve had this week. Who would have thought anything could be more FUN FUN FUN than Charleston, I can’t believe it. Apparently at one point Joanne told him to be a jellyfish. MADNESS! Scores are in
34
Ed Balls & Katya Jones dancing the quickstep
Tess tells us that Ed last week did a cha cha that was full of both content and comedy (/inappropriate self-touching) and says that Ed is going to try to be more serious this week in his quickstep. She’s not holding out much hope for that though, as he and Katya are dressed as Laurel & Hardy. Looking at them it’s fairly obvious they’ve been dressed as Hardy & Hardy, because they just can’t let that wig die.
VT time, and Ed tells Katya that from the first second he stomped out and went “OOH AHHH” he knew that his cha cha was going to go down well. Ah the benefit of diminished expectations. Katya jokes with him that now Bruno’s given Ed an 8, he can’t take it back. I doubt he’d want to. I doubt he remembers he gave it. I doubt Bruno even remembers who any of these people are when they’re not stood 10ft away from him. If any of us saw him in the street and asked him about Ed Balls he’d say “who?” and then giggle because you said “balls”.
Training, and Ed tells us that his quickstep routine this week will be a tribute to the actors who starred in silent movies, like Charlie Chaplin, Laurel & Hardy, and Tom Chambers. Oh wait, my mistake on that last one, I just got confused because I used to hit the mute button every time he appeared on screen. This is all the set up for a Comedy VT wherein Ed becomes more and more like a silent movie star every time Katya appears and honestly
stick a wig on this and it’s how I remember Widdy. On the dancefloor. Just imaging Anton farting about around her with a rose or a matador’s cape or whatever and we’re right back there.
TO THE BUILDING SITE!
The theme here, to a dance being performed to “Help” by The Beatles (that classic silent movie music) is very much slapstick fun with Ed
wafting his wood in Katya’s face
recreating Daisy and Aljaz’s iconic credits pose (CHOREOGRAPHY THIEF!)
this (which I believe was Aliona’s first offer when the show got in touch to ask her to come back when Natalie got injured)
and…just…dragging Katya around by the ankle? Whatever it is, it works, and certain other pros (*cough*Giovanni*cough*) could take lessons here in how to choreograph around your partner’s deficiencies without leaving anybody watching feeling particularly cheated. The quickstep? All told there’s about 30 seconds of it, and it mostly involves Ed boinging from one side of the ballroom to the other up on his tippy toes. But he’s got a decent turn of speed, and it looks better than any of the other ballroom he’s done so far. It all ends with Katya knocking his hat off and him kicking her into
a final splits. Quite sweet.
They wander over to the judges, where Darcey starts by praising his slapstick and saying that she wasn’t expecting him to be as light on his feet as he was. She does however, think it got a bit too bouncy. Len’s next, and he says that Ed needs help with his footwork, and help with his posture, but no help at all with being fun and entertaining. Len, as ever, needing no help at all with being incredibly patronising. Bruno follows, saying that if he was marking the dances on comedic mayhem, Ed would get a 10 every time. Wait, he’s not? What is he marking them on then? I’m lost. Finaly Craig closes us off by saying that he was annoyed by Ed’s thumb sticking up but, and he can’t quite believe he’s saying this, Ed is definitely improving.
That fucking wig isn’t.
Up to Claud 9 they romp where Ed calls Katya a choreographical genius, and Claudia asks him how it feels to be back in ballroom after so many weeks of latin. The collective simultaneous strained
“you wot mate” grins on the faces of Daisy and Greg here are quite something. Ed Balls says it was fast and rhythmic and that’s how he likes it and oh look there goes my dinner. Claudia then asks Ed if it’s too early to say the “B word” and yes it is, always. Although Ed thinking she’s talking about his bottom rather than about Blackpool is rather sweet. If a little presumptuous. It’s not bad, but you’re not Greg mate. Scores are in
27
Laura Whitmore & Giovanni Pernice dancing the samba
Tess tells us that it’s been a mixed series for Laura, and I think this is the week that Laura clicked for me as a contestant, because “Superfan For Whom Everything Goes Wrong” is a Strictly niche that’s never been filled until now. In her head Laura was a Kara Tointon. In reality she was a Tiny Tina with the added indignity of the show trying constantly to angle it like she wanted to shag her Jared.
VT time, and it all opens with Giovanni telling his Bella that she danced so well last week. Laura’s all
“MY NAME’S LAURA!” (she’s not, but wouldn’t that have been funny?).
Training now, and Giovanni tells Laura that the concept for their samba this week is red carpet glamour and as practice this week he’s going to take her to an awards ceremony. Because that worked out so well for Tameka. Laura does her best to sell “well I’ve been on the red carpet many times interviewing, but I’ve never been there learning a new dance!” as a line God bless her. Sub Uwe Boll that dialogue. Anyway, she and Giovanni go to the Pride Of Britain Awards, where nothing much happens other than
Joan Collins sidling up to them like Darth Sidious all “destroy Ed Balls for me bloody lefties hiss hiss” before disappearing in a cloud of smoke. She’s definitely too old to do the show now right? Just checking. I’ve only got so much garlic in the house.
TO THE RED CARPET!
Laura and Giovanni are doing the samba to “Bamboleo” and I’ll give the show credit for this – their stage-managed removal of the midtable women has been seemless so far. Anastacia gets a lovely high with her quickstep and is then bounced immediately afterwards by being buried under Brenda theatrics, and now Laura gets a lovely high with her quickstep and now gets a samba quite literally rolled all over her poorly ankle. Good luck getting any bounce here. There’s a nice moment of
over-the-shoulder Hollywood glamour to start and she manages some nice initial wiggles and jiggles, but from the moment Giovanni decides to have her pelt across the floor flinging her arm out like she’s throwing sweeties to the crowd at the big “…BAMBOLEO” moment, just like he did with Georgia at the exact same moment in Volare EXCEPT HER LEGS WORKED GIOVANNI, GET A CLUE. From that moment on it’s just Giovanni overdancing terrifyingly whilst Laura kind of exists somewhere near him trying to bob saucily upside down whilst not aggrevating everything. I think my favourite bit is when Giovanni does about 50 batucadas/cucarachas/whatevers whilst Laura literally just stands there hopping up and down
recreating the “excuse me but I’m about to give birth” animation loop from The Sims. And her mouth
stays like that for the duration. Someone get this girl some gas and air. This all culminates in a moment of what I hope is going to live for the ages as a Strictly moment – Laura actually DISAPPEARING for the end pose so we can all watch Giovanni do 10 spins across the floor instead.
This is what happens when a pro doesn’t have to do their dues with a duffer. These newbies need to learn. This was pure Ola but with a girl.
Once they’re over with Len he says that Laura’s a star whatever she does (I mean, she’s an ITV spinoff show host and MTV interviewer let’s not go crazy) but he would have liked to have seen more of her at points and less of Giovanni spinning off into the ether. Laura’s
face to camera at this comment feels kind of indicative. Len liked that Giovanni gave her a lot of basic samba steps to do, at least at the beginning, but he noticed mistakes, and felt she couldn’t cope with the speed of the track. Bruno’s next and he’s all
I’M GIVING IT A 9 WHATEVER! In retrospect, Bruno’s weirdo crush on Laura is my favourite thing about her stay in this series. If you look closely, you can see a researcher hiding out with his 10 paddle behind Craig waiting for the signal from Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig upstairs to hand it back again for the next dancer.
Craig’s next, and he tells Laura that he felt it was all looking a little awkward until the running promenade section, when it took off and got going. I…felt the exact opposite but here we are. He also doesn’t understand why Giovanni didn’t get her to do any batucadas. Possibly because her ankle’s still buggered? I’m not saying redeploy her injury for sympathy votes but at least don’t say things that are completely at odds with its transparant existence. Darcey closes by saying it’s a shame that Laura made some mistakes but she personally enjoyed Giovanni’s end. Wow, the random sexual partnerings just keep on coming this series don’t they? What, next Greg The Floor Manager and Gorka elope together yes please.
Up to Claud 9 they hobble, where everyone is spinning like dervishes in tribute to Giovanni’s finishing move. Claudia’s compares the whole thing to “one of those toys you have where you pull it and then you just do it and you do it and you do it”. Presumably she’s keeping this toy in a drawer beside her bed? Laura says that she feels bad about making a mistake and Claudia tells her that NOBODY NOTICED HONEST in that way she has and then scores are in
32. Bruno WILL NOT BE STOPPED.
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Claudia’s Surreal Prop Interlude?
Is all out of ideas. You did “all Spanish women have moustaches” a few weeks ago guys and it was a bit dodgy then.
Juge Rinder & Oksana Platero dancing the quickstep
Bless her but she’s never going to look quite comfortable being here is she? Tess tells us that over the last few weeks, Judge Rinder has made it clear that he wants to be taken seriously as a dancer. Yes the part where he launched himself off the balcony dressed as one of Liberace’s backing dancers really drove that home last week didn’t it?
VT time now, and Judge Rinder tells us what a lark it was last week to inhabit the character of an extremely butch moth.
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We’re also reminded that Rinder’s current storyline is that his scores keep on going up (/not going down) every week, but as they’ve now breached the 30 barrier, that’s going to be difficult to maintain. I would agree. As much as I’m looking forward to a RindyRumba, I doubt it’s going to bother Rachel Stevens overmuch…
Training now, and Oksana tells us that as we’ve reached the halfway stage of the competition, she’s going to kick things up a notch an push Judge Rinder hard with her choreography. Remember at the start of the series when Rinder was all “I WANT TO BE DOMINATED, WHIP ME RUSSIAN DADDY, WHIP ME” and now he interacts with Oksana a bit like someone delicately prodding some bread that’s got jammed in the toaster with a fork to see if he can dislodge it without electrocuting himself? Fun times. His major difficulty with the quickstep is the counting, because it doesn’t follow regular rhythm. He even gets very
Kimbotley Walsh let’s punch myself in the face over it. Although Kim’s thing was more to bounce her head repeatedly off the wall, but I guess when it’s made of titanium you can do that. Meanwhile Oksana adjusts her ponytail and says that she can see Judge Rinder is frustrated but she knows it’s a sign of how much he cares. The Ex Machina levels of “according to my programming human emotions work like this” delivery she gives this observation are truly outstanding, especially as it’s followed by “you need to change your emotional state right now”. THEY’RE BONDING!
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
I love that they’ve given Oksana a coathook just to
hang her feather boa on. Like any woman on this show’s ever wearing a COAT, I guess. She and Judge Rinder are doing the quickstep to “It Don’t Mean A Thing If It Aint Got That Swing” and it’s very much Judge Rinder making it known that he is here to win this whole thing, as after several weeks of comedy gurning to pull in the votes, this is very much “but look, he can REALLY dance!”. Given that Ed and Greg are also aiming for the same market (“look, Ed’s quickstep has 30 whole seconds of content in it!”, “LOOK! GREG’S HAVING A BALLROOM BREAKTHROUGH!”) it’ll be interesting to see which of them actually pulls it off best. This is a fairly straight trad quickstep with lots of lighthearted skipping around the floor and it’s jampacked with steps from beginning to end. They even fit the traditional
flying leap in there, getting surprisingly good clearance off the ground. Sure, some of the faces are a little
“End Of Raiders Of The Lost Ark” but good for him. It’s been a good series so far for quickstep, and we’ve still got three frontrunners to come.
Very nice.
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Once they’re over at Tess, Rinder launches into a little “overcome” speech about how everyone should just learn to dance because it’s great and such joy. Bruno, Darcey and Len all give him a little clap, whilst Craig looks at him like he wants to gut him with a fish-hook. It’s Bruno who starts for the judges, saying that the straight-down-the-line quickstep that Rinder was doing was so good that he didn’t need to do the silly facial expressions. Rinder mugs slightly unconvincingly that that’s just the JOY OF DAHNCE speaking through him, he cannot control it. Yeah, he’s found an angle Bruno, you ain’t getting him off it. Craig’s next and he says he agrees with Bruno – Rinder needs something to hold his jaw in place.
You offering love? He thinks Rinder is a very good dancer, but the faces spoil it. Maybe true, but nobody came at Laura for doing the second half of that samba like she was trying to suck a golf ball down an invisible length of hose.
Darcey’s next and tells Judge Rinder to ignore everyone else because she thinks he’s great. It’s interesting that Darcey is out there at the front with Judge Rinder almost as much as Bruno is with Laura, but nobody comments on it. I guess because…well who’s paying any attention to Darcey, let’s be honest. Len closes by saying that the face is the mirror of the soul. Jeez, is Anastacia writing these scripts now? Suffice it to say that Len buys Rinder’s line that him unhinging his jaw is just PURITY OF DAHNCE being excreted from his body, which surprises me not a jot. He does however, think Judge Rinder went a bit wrong “when he was on top”. No comment. He closes by saying that he was expecting Fred & Cringe but he got Fred & Ginge. Nice accidentaly burn on Oksana there. I know she’s a latinspecialist but still…
Up to Claud 9 they doo wah doo wah doo wah doo wah doo wah doo wah doo wah TONY GAGA, where Greg
immediately returns the favour he got from Rinder last week by going right for his pec. Judge Rinder for his part immediately launches into defending his faces, saying they must be accidental, because he doesn’t pull them in court. Hopefully he produces arguments…slightly more logically watertight in court as well. Scores are in
33
Louise Redknapp & Kevin Clifton dancing the Argentine Tango
Tess tells us that Louise and Kevin are about to do the first Argentine Tango of the series, so OF COURSE we have to ask Len to contribute to tell us what it’s all about. Hot, passionate, ganchos, ochos, nightclub, steamy, prostitutes fresh off the pampas etc etc. You get the drill. To be honest, I’m surprised Len’s annual introduction of the Argentine Tango hasn’t won that Bad Sex Award thingy yet.
In their VT, Kevin tells Louise that he was proud of her last weekend because she had a breakthrough and showed a different side of herself, and he especially loved it when she started growling and screaming at the judges. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? I would have paid to watch Louise go feral. Two glasses of red and a couple of Mummy’s Little Helpers and she’s telling Darcey that SHE AIN’T NO FAHCKIN LADY I’ll bet. Louise then tries to replicate this breakthrough in the training room.
Mmm hmm.
Training now and
right away you can tell this is going to be Louise’s dance. Look at that face. That is pure Lars von Trier “Breaking The Waves” crossed with “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?”. Jamie’s got Harry around for the Sunday roast and they’re just talking about bloody football again. Arsenal this, Tottenham United that. Meanwhile she’s three glasses of Merlot deep, making a hashjob of carving the turkey and wondering why she never had a daughter to leaven all this masculine energy or took time out to learn how to do pottery like she wanted to do when she was young. 42 and her dayjob is shilling bingo websites and pretending she wants to do the sodding Charleston dressed like a circus clown. WELL NOW IT’S HER TIME. IT’S ARGENTINE TANGO WEEK
KEVIN’S GOT HIS CHEST HAIR OUT, SHE’S GOING FOR IT BABY. (Also she keeps smiling all the time in training and Kevin has invented a story for the dance or something like that, let’s get on with it).
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
Oooh the lampposts are back. You can’t see it from this picture, because the movement itself is obscured a little by the glittery fade-in, but Louise does a proper “AND NOW I’M IN CHARACTER” body roll to start off here and it’s adorable and hilarious and a little sad all in one. From there though
her hands are right in her foof, no messing.
PASSION!
SEDUCTION!
VINO COLLAPSO!
IT’S FINE KEVIN, I’VE ONLY HAD A BOTTLE AND A BIT I CAN STILL WALK MYSELF TO THE BLOODY CAR THANKS IT’S NOT AS THOUGH I’M DRIVING!
I’VE NEVER LIKED THAT LIGHT FITTING, GRARRRRRRRRGH!
But seriously this is the rare (/solitary) Louise dance where her performance outmatches her technique. Her feet aren’t caressing the floor so much as jamming right down in through the zipper for a good old grope, but I do not care because after 6 weeks of magnolia and seaside special and delicate assignations under a miniature golf course Eiffel Tower, Louise is letting it all hang out here and then some and I’m loving it.
Now do this again in the Propah Tango and we’re talking.
After the dance is over we cut to the audience and
Jamie’s nowhere to be seen. He’s probably in the toilets beating up a hand-dryer. Once Louise reaches Tess, the latter gurns that Louise’s footwork is now better than her husband’s.
Yup, Bland Louise is back in the room.
Craig starts for the judges saying how lovely it is to see Louise be serious for a change in a routine. Yes because normally the problem with Louise is that you can’t get her to be calm and stop larking about. She’s a LAUGH RIOT. Darcey loved how she did all the complicated choreography without showing any effort and then Len
well Len is turning a most peculiar colour and getting very over-excited and grunting about Kevin strutting about sexily and I think at this point Mrs Len is probably putting an extra lock on the door and getting a bottle of Windex ready. He’s sleeping in the car until she feels safe! Bruno is positively subdued in comparison, claiming Louise rules the backstreets of Buenos Aires as QUEEN OF THE HOOKERS(/night) and telling her that she should change her name from Redknapp to Redhot. Which I believe is pronounced “Redoh”.
Up to Claud 9 they go, where Louise talks about the pressure and the honour of doing the first Argentine Tango of the series. If you say so hun. Scores are in
39.
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Greg Rutherford and Natalie Lowe dancing the Viennese Waltz
Tess starts by reminding us that last week Bruno, Len, and Darcey all liked his rumba, but Craig didn’t. As far as Tess is concerned though, as Greg is an Olympic athlete who has never danced before, three out of four aint bad. Well as far as Natalie’s concerned
Craig is a POO HEAD.
VT time and Greg tells Natalie that despite everything, he loved the rumba. Or whatever it was that they did last week. Natalie meanwhile is defiant. The only thing she would have changed about the routine last weekend was the scores.
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Training now, and Greg is on Viennese Waltz this week, so it’s the tipping point of his time in the show. Either he turns into a Sportsman Ballroom Boy and sails to the end, or he doesn’t and he doesn’t. And what do you bring out at any time in a great Strictly Battle when you need extra firepower on your side?
BABY WARZ! Looks like Milo Rutherford has borrowed some of Oksana’s leggings there. Ostensibly Milo is there because he loves spinning around and getting dizzy, so he’s ideally placed to help Greg with his basic Viennese Waltz steps, but we all know it’s because Greg needs to dangle something in someone’s face to get votes somewhere other than on his Instagram page. It’s all very cute but is it Kellie Bright’s son with a DANCIN WOWOT no it is not.
TO THE CHAISE LONGUE OF DRAMA!
Greg and Natalie are doing the Viennese Waltz to “You Don’t Own Me” so no pretty balls in Vienna here, it’s straight up
Natalie being a scenary chewing drama diva beeyotch, wailing and writhing and greetin’ all over the furniture whilst Greg does his best perfume advert frown and just about holds her back from doing a forward roll right into the front row. Of course it’s Natalie, so as soon as the drama stops and they take up ballroom hold, she’s grinning her face off as usual. The dance itself is ok – it travels around the floor nicely, although Greg does have a tendency to lurch and rock a bit like a ship in a gale. The most distracting thing, and it’s hard to capture in a still frame
is just how nauseous he looks from abut halfway through. Natalie has opted to keep all the faffing at the beginning and end rather than spreading it about, which is a noble decision, but Greg reeeeeeeeally didn’t want to be doing that many spins one after the other. We’ve seen a few people right the edge of chundering whilst talking to Tess afterwards, but this was the first time in ages I’ve worried about someone launching a vomit comet midroutine.
The drama though. The drama!
He totters over to the judges, still clearly a bit queasy and Darcey starts us off for the judges by praising him for his confidence and his big gliding moves. She does think he abandonded his free arm a little too often though. Greg meanwhile
is just focusing on a spot on the floor. Just for now. Give him a minute. Len follows, saying that Greg is back with a bang, with a great frame, and he loved all the larking about on the “how’s your father”. Well that’s one word for it. He thought Greg lost energy towards the end, and agrees with Darcey about Greg’s free arm, but he’s finally back after three weeks “in the wilderness”. Latin Len. It’s called “latin”.
Bruno’s next and he tells Greg that he’s certainly cornered the market in melodrama, because that was full of drama, possession and recession. He proclaims it to be a Tennessee Williams routine brought to life. Presumably with Natalie as the Maggie, Greg as the Brick, and Bruno himself as the Skipper. Craig closes, saying that he loved it when Greg clocked him glowering at his sticky-out thumb and popped it back in again, because he found it funny, but otherwise other than the skippiness he couldn’t find much fault with it, and he loved Natalie’s choreography. Natalie’s all
“apology