LET THE FAN WARZ BEGIN!
Last week : MOVIE NIGHT! Mary Poppins and sparkly vampires and Zorro and spies and gangsters and Fred Flintstone and Bollywood and to cap it all off, in the dance off, in a true tribute to Hollywood Boulevard itself, a hooker squared off against a crooked cop and came out the victor. THAT’S FOR DIVINE BROWN!
This week : those keeping score of the CURSE OF NOT TAKING PART IN THE PRE-SHOW COMEDY VT will be relieved to hear that both Anastacia and Naga were involved this week (along with Greg, Ore, Cloudia, Ed, and Judge Rinder) so I will never mention it again.
LIVE!
I just thought it had been too long since my crappy MS Paint skills had been showcased on the blog, y’know? Far far too long.
The music starts, and Giovanni and Kevin are on accompaniment duties this week for
good lord. One’s ready for the oven, the other’s ready to audition for the role of a saucy witch in a late-night relaunch of 90s kids tv favourite Knightmare. You’ll need a helmet on your head to navigate that dungeon I’ll tell you that much. Now just inch a little more to your left…
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They remind us that last week was indeed Movie Week, featuring That Samba. You know? The one from Ed Balls? He had funny face-paint on and said “SOMEBODY STOP MAY (because Jeremy Corbyn’s not doing a great job of it at the moment)” a lot? No? I think maybe the show needs to learn that putting “That” before whichever dance got the most Youtube hits of the week doesn’t automatically make it a Strictly Classic that will be treasured forever. They also tell us that, as we probably know, Will Young has left the competition for personal reasons. Tess’ face on
“personal reasons”, it’s just so warm and sympathetic isn’t it? It’s odd, because I remember (oh how I remember) when John Sergeant quit, and his reasons basically boiled down to “I can’t be arsed with this any more”, and we all sat and watched and laughed at It Takes Two, as James Jordan expectorated all over the carpet about how John was a big pussy coward who’d let Kristina down and his fans down and I HOPE YOU GIVE THEM A REFUND JOHN, and now that Will’s done more or less the same thing and so many people have…become James. Which is, of course, your choice. Personally I’m just glad of a three person final and one dance fewer to recap each week. Godspeed Will. Thanks for saving my fingers if nothing else. Until the next openly gay person on this show who is allowed to just dance and not be forced into lobster outfits to dance with a milkmaid *chink*.
Greg Rutherford & Natalie Lowe dancing the salsa
That’s a lot of pink and rose in their combined ensemble for a redhead but ok. Tess tells us that he’ll be dancing to Wrapped Up by Olly Murs tonight, which is QUITE THE COINCIDENCE, because Greg has suffered an injury in training, and as a result his wrist is WRAPPED UP. Can we get confirmation that Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig didn’t demand a last minute change of song for exactly this pun? I wouldn’t put it past them. Also, if you wanted further proof that Natalie is living her best life this series, I counted no fewer than THREE winks in the space of their intro.
Here is just one.
VT time and
Greg and Natalie are out in Judge Rinder’s cornfield. Does this mean they train in the same place? What wacky hijinks, I bet they’re like the original Odd Couple. Greg tells Natalie that he never thought he’d love dancing as much as he did last week with his American Smooth. The fact that he spent a lot of it with
her tits superglued to his face as he hauled her around the dancefloor has NO BEARING ON THIS. NONE. PURITY OF DAHNCE.
Training, and Greg tells us very excitedly that his salsa is going to feature some of the most epic lifts ever seen on Strictly Come Dancing ever!
Don’t ask what muscles of Natalie’s are gripping on to what muscles/organs of Greg’s there. It’s before tea-time. All the lifts are going fabulously, until, as usually happens when things go awry, one fairly innoucuous one leaves Greg feeling a lot of pain, meaning we’re getting some quality
INJURY PORN! Take THAT Anastacia! Here we’ve got a real doctor (not a collection of pixels), wearing ACTUAL DOCTOR GLOVES, an ultrasound, Greg looking pensive, a pen and paper for note-taking AND Clinell wipes, all preceded by a shot of Greg in the waiting room looking scared. This is far more like it. We were only 2 or 3 notches on the meter away from “THIS WRIST INJURY COULD END MY LONG JUMP CAREER FOREVER SOMEHOW!”. Needed more Natalie looking worried through a crack in a door though, preferably wearing some sort of peasant scarf or shawl. The doctor tells Greg that his dancing has caused severe wrist inflammation and lots of leaking fluid (and that’s just in my living room) but he should be ok to dance on Saturday. As if this drama wasn’t enough, Olly Murs also drops in on training at Greg’s invitation causing Natalie to
absolutely scream her face halfway off. Like, even for NATALIE LOWE this is a ridiculously OTT positive reaction. She loves Olly Murs, this is amoyzing, this is the best day of her life etc etc.
TO THE SHAKE SHACK!
No idea why. They probably had it pre-ordered in for a Grease themed jive for Melvin last week and never got to use it, so why not? Speaking of things that are left over from last week
I wouldn’t eat that Bruno, it’s probably been on the floor since Naga had it up in her Carousel. As a salsa, Greg’s dance seeks to answer the question “just what can you do with lifts with only one wrist?” and the answer is apparently
quite a lot when you’re partnered with Natalie Lowe, even if it isn’t always
the most elegant getting her up and down again. The rest of the salsa? I hesitate to say it because it’s a little blasphemous but it’s a little Ola Jordan. There’s a knee slide, there’s a “jump off this thing”, there’s that bit where the guy just stands there wafting the lady’s skirt up so we can all see her knickers, there’s the side-by-side choo choo train arms, there’s the
duck-faced, duck-arsed shimmies, and there’s a bit where he just wiggles his bum at the judges. We don’t get to see his Starfish but most of the rest of it’s in there. Clearly someone somewhere decided to play it safe outside of the lifts which, given Greg’s complete lack of ability to make his movements match the music organically, was probably wise. Fortunately, the lifts go on for long enough that the actual dancing is of secondary concern, all leading up to the last one, where he hangs her around his neck and spins around for a good 5 or 6 seconds before
press-lifting her above his head, his right arm shaking the entire time because it’s carrying ALL the weight. As he pulls her down again she screams. I love it when Natalie screams, so this has been a good week all round for these two.
It gets a standing ovation, and once Greg is over at Tess, she coos over his wrist, but he says that he’s fine, because “adrenaline is a wonderful thing”. Adrenline and a family pack of cortisone and painkillers. And the family in question is the Manson Family. Whilst he gets his fix, Tess introduces the live singers and of course
Davearch.
IF U WANT TO KNOE WHY WILLIAM RILLY LEFT THEN ASK HIM ABOUT WHAT HE SAW UNDER THE STAIRS AND WAT HE TRYED TO DO BEFORE HIS BOLLYWOOD SALSA, HE’S LUCKY I LET HIM LEEV ALIVE, I’VE HAD TO TIGHTEN THE MAN IN THE HAT’S CHAINS AGEN *AND* REFILL THE BUCKET.
Len starts for the judges, saying that the routine was like the candy floss Bruno’s now get all over his face and down his pants. Mostly tasty, but a little sticky in the footwork. Yes, I hate when my candy floss goes sticky in the footwork. Mostly this is why I avoid treading on it, mostly. Bruno follows, yelling that Greg is both a hurricane and a tiger with a butt of marble. Stitch that image together if you can. Greg promises to take Bruno for a session of squats to improve his arse. Does this need to be a comedy VT yes it does.
Craig’s next, and says he would have liked to see more hip action and he thought that Greg was stomping it out a bit, but he enjoyed his shimmies. He does tell Greg that he lost his dignity a little by presenting his arse to him so blatantly. He will NOT be pandered to! Not be ANYONE other than Lisa Riley or as he calls her, the Twyla Tharp of Emmerdale. Darcey closes by saying that she loves Greg’s energy but thinks he could stand to calm it down a bit, because he was pushing Natalie into overbalancing at points. Mostly I am distracted by the combination of Darcey’s low cut top, the camera angle, and an errant mic loop
making it look a bit like she’s got her nip out.
Up to Claud 9 they floss with Natalie
blowing a kiss as they ascend. Once they’re up there, Claudia gushes that she heard Greg say on It Takes Two that he feels like a donut when he dances, AND THEN HE COMES OUT AND DOES THAT. He was probably just feeling peckish Claud. Greg replies that it’s all due to Natalie’s teaching and also people like Judge Rinder constantly giving him stick backstage which motivates him to succeed. Again, the Greg/Rinder relationship fascinates me, I must know more. Natalie at this point breaks in yelling “FUCK THAT, WHAT ABOUT OLLY MURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!”. Scores are in
28
Laura Whitmore & Giovanni Pernice dancing the quickstep
Tess tells us that, as these two were in the dance-off last week, they’ve come back determined to do better than ever, so in training Laura enlisted the help of Mick Jagger. After the roaring success of Jerry Hall on this show, what could possibly go wrong?
In her VT, Laura tells Giovanni that she was really pleased with her salsa, because she wanted to go out there and give it a load of energy and do something “different”. Well certainly, it was that. We’re reminded that all of the effort was for naught, as she found herself in the bottom 2 with Tameka, and surviving on a split vote, all whilst
wearing the face of a circus clown being forcibly given an enema. She goes on to say that she feels stronger as a result of being in the dance-off and hopes to use it to power on through the competition. I’ve got a feeling that if Laura gets a little bit stronger every time she survives a dance-off she may well be headbutting her way through concrete by the end of the series.
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Training now, and Laura says that, as the quickstep is so demanding, she’s drafting in someone who can help with their stamina and performance. MICK JAGGER! Giovanni having to act like he actually thinks Mick Jagger is going to turn up and he’s SO excited about it
certainly doesn’t reach his eyes, and in fact barely makes it past his teeth. Anyway in the end it turns out that
Mick Jagger is a dog. And Giovanni doesn’t like dogs. Was this also a VT last series, I think it might have been. They dance for the dog, the dog
gives them a 10, it’s all quite cute but nowhere NEAR as cute as this.
TO THE BALLROOM!
I notice Giovanni got the plum position in front of the mirror there. They’re dancing to “Ballroom Blitz” which has me already feeling a bit resentful because it’s just going to make it that bit harder to google this whenever I want to cheer myself up by watching Fiona Fullerton almost getting into a catfight with Iveta. Laura & Giovanni’s interpretation is of course dictated mostly by the speed of the track, which means that they’re almost always either absolutely pelting it around the dancefloor or doing Charleston style interludes. The one time they do try to slow it down a bit and pull the dance closer to the dance’s foxtrot roots look most unnatural, although not as unnatural as
Laura’s Dance Face, which is downright eerie and pointing off at really odd angles. She mostly does a good job of keeping up, although her top half is bobbing up and down like gangbusters the whole time. I can see why they came back ROARING, narratively speaking, but I feel like Laura’s definitely one of those contestants who works best a little less manic.
It gets no ovation (mark your scorecards) but once they’re over at the judges Bruno starts, telling us all that Strictly has no speed limit (this is true, but it works both ways – you wouldn’t want to be stuck behind Tony Jacklin in Sunday traffic if you had somewhere to be) but if Laura did that down the M1 she’d lose her licence. I think if Laura did that down the M1 she’d lose more than her licence Bruno. Craig’s next and tells Laura that he loved how quickly she moved around the floor, and he thought the Charleston section was “standoutish”. Well quite. Ish.
Darcey follows, saying that that was much better than last week, and definitely very busy down below. As it to confirm this, Laura fans her lower quarters generally in her direction. Can everyone stop directing their bums and fannies at the judges this week please, this is not some sort of Amsterdam shop window. Darcey does think though that Laura lost her poise a little when she had to travel across the floor. Len closes by criticising her head position but also bringing out “IF YOU’RE IN THE BOTTOM 2 I’LL PICKUW ME WAWNUTS!”. So that’s that settled.
Up to Claud 9 they blitz, where Claudia calls her “baby” and tells her that everyone so admires how she responded to being in the dance-off, because sometimes people get despondent, down-hearted, and just give up. For example when Rachel Riley was in her first bottom 2, she just locked herself in the toilets with Pasha and refused to come out. The MOANING, you wouldn’t believe it. Anyway, Laura responded well and came out and proved herself etc etc scores are in
33
Anastacia & Brendan Cole dancing the rumba
Not sure why they’ve done her make-up a la Pepe The Alt-Right Nazi Frog there, but ok. As this is the first rumba of the series, Tess asks Len what he wants to see. As usual, Len uses this opportunity to request no raunch or sexual content of any kind. He really sees the rumba as more of the story of a developing flirtation and courtship. Furtive glances, delicate footwork, the odd hip wiggle, promenades in the rain walking your neighbours dogs, talking about how neither of you like abroad much, 6 hour games of miniature golf, putting your feet up and watching the cricket whilst she makes your dinner for you, reminiscing about the war, whipping your old chap out at the back of the top deck of a Number 46 to Peckham for a larrrrrrrrf… Lovely stuff.
VT time and Brenda congratultes Anastacia on having a good weekend and she responds by going cross-eyed and yelling
“YOU TOO BIG DADDY!” at him. I know I do this poll every year but…
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Training, and Brenda tells Anastacia that rumba is a dance that requires a great deal of confidence (only if you’re a man Brenda, did you not get the memo women are all born ready to walk around in front of millions rubbing their boobies and pulling sultry faces in their third best La Senza nightie) so he’s going to try to boost her confidence up by reminding her of what it’s like to be in her element – holding a mic and singing. So they go to a Ronnie Scott’s so she can give him a private performance. I love the idea that Anastacia doesn’t walk around singing all the time anyway. I bet not a week has gone by so far without her bellowing out their Tune Of The Week with half of the consonants removed right down Brenda’s lugholes. She puts on her private show anyway, yelling “I’M AHHHTA LERRR” with the lyrics changed to be about the rumba (…) and Brenda’s face
is a picture. This and Bloody Lulu on the soundtrack in the same week? The life-threatening lung infection must have been a picnic in comparison.
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
Someone really did get a 2-for-1 on green eyeshadow this week didn’t they? Anastacia is dancing her rumba here to “The Way We Were” by Barbra Streisand, or as Anastacia probably sings it “DAWAY WI WUHHHHHHHHHHH”. Amusingly enough the backdrop, both in terms of the video wall and the floor, is lots of pictures of Anastacia’s Strictly Journey, meaning that the misty water coloured memories of the way we were, are from about two weeks ago and are of stuff like Anastacia pretending to not know what a 10 Downing Street is with her gob hanging open. I’m not sure this is what Babs had in mind when she originally sang the song, but ok. At any rate, unlike the last two weeks, this is exactly what I want from Anastacia, by which I mean it is the highest of High Camp. Lots of bad overacting and thrashing her hair about
and erotic lip-biting and chewing the scenary and
bum-sniffing and
assisted goosestepping
kung fu panda poses, all done to a very tasteful and subdued suburban dinner party soundtrack. Truly it is the Abigail’s Party of rumbas and Anastacia is its Alison Steadman. This bit near the end is just divine
It’s like she literally pissing dance right out of her body and up the lamppost of the British public.
After it’s finished, it gets no Standing Ovation and up on Claud 9
Louise looks like she’s not having that happening at one of her and Jamie’s candle-lit suppers thank you very much. Now for the whole of these judging comments you’re going to have to imagine that Brenda is turning very pale and constantly puffing his cheeks out like he’s about to blow chunks. It’s very distracting. Sadly, this is due to a lung infection, and he’s not about to vomit on Tess. The dream I’ve had since Letitia Dean lives on. Craig starts for the judges, saying that it was periodically stilted and lacking in fluidity, but he did like her ronde and her storytelling.
(Vomit, vomit, vomit, vomit, chant it with me now). Darcey’s next and says that she loves Anastacia’s expressive arms, but thinks her body needs to undulate more. Brenda smirks that they’ll work on that later wink wink. Poor Mrs Brenda.
Len’s next
(what a pro covering the mic whilst he hacks away incidentally) and he complains that there were lots of “lines and wiggles” and that he would have liked more actual content. Whatever Len, the Brenda Wiggle is a core rumba step, it’s on all the syllabi. Finally Bruno praises Anastacia’s rumba for being “subtle and refined”. Which tells you all you need to know about the routine without even having to watch it does’t it?
Up to Claud 9 they rampage with Brenda spluttering the whole way, and Claudia pronounces rumba to be the HARDEST DANCE. Anastacia says she agrees and she felt extra pressure because she was dancing to Barbra Streisand so you have to keep things simple and classy
she says with her aubergine theme make-up and hair blown out to Ursula. Scores are in
27
Claudia Fragapane & AJ Pritchard dancing the foxtrot
Nobody asks Len what he’d like to see from the first foxtrot of the series. Let’s aim for not falling into a collective national coma as a baseline, and work up from there.
VT and Cloudia and AJ wax lyrical about getting 9s and topping the leaderboard and almost pieing Len Goodman in the face. Almost.
Training now and Claudia is fretting that she won’t be able to do the foxtrot because it’s so slow. Yeah, that’s the least of your worries love. Wait til you get your song-choice in/see the set. AJ gives an interview next, and I swear this is verbatim :
“The concept is that we’re in a school corridor! There’s going to be lockers! It’s going to be something special!”
God, Gilkison’s got him whipped something good hasn’t he? THERE’S GOING TO BE LOCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S THE NEW JILL’S JIVE! (not jay’s though don’t hit me) ICONIC!!! To help get Cloudia in the mood to be in a school themed routine, AJ has invited her teachers to come in to training. Claudia clarifies to everyone that she left school two years ago, honest, but it’s great to see the gang anyway. There’s her PE teacher, her “key skills” teacher (?), her Head Of Year and her RE teacher. She dances for them, and they give her four 10s and an actual
gold star. Jesus Christ. Next week : her babysitter, her Auntie Jean, and her swimming teacher.
TO THE SCHOOL!
OH MY GOD LOCKERS! GIVE IT A 10! Ahem. What kind of school has rainbow coloured lockers anyway? One that is apparently blaring Carly Rae Jepsen through the speakers, in this case “I Really Like You”. Now I love Jeppo, but this is not her strongest song and above all else it’s not a foxtrot. Again with the just picking whatever song is on first when the Blindfolded Dart Throwing Song Choice Monkeys have Disney FM on in the office. If this IS an LGBT school, then Claudia is clearly riding the B or the T bus in, because she is into AJ *bad*. She’s got pictures of him up all over her
OH MY GOD LOCKERS, AGAIN SORRY I JUST GET SO EXCITED! ICONIC LOCKERS, YAHHHHHHHHHS COME THROUGHHHHHH! LOCKERRRRRRRS!
Ahem. Between AJ’s outfit (pink shirt AND a pink little dicky, strong look) and his seduction technique being all
Fosse and sassy, I can see problems in this relationship from the off. In terms of the dance? It’s ok. She’s still a little mechanical, and the height difference makes it hard to see her head or her face a lot of the time but I think given the bizarre theming it’s about the best you could hope for out of the dance. There’s a bit of a sad bit towards the end where they go up the stairs, pause dramatically, and then just do a little bunny hop off them again, which is a bit misguided, but otherwise it’s all fine, if not really capitalising on any momentum she gained last week. It all ends with
AJ being more in love with his reflection (/HIS ENTIRELY ON FLEEK LOCKER, LOCKER IS BAE, 10 FOR THE LOCKERS!) than Cloudia. Ah teenage boys…
It all gets a somewhat confused reaction from the audience (seriously, Twilight needs explaining 50 times but *this* just gets put out there with no prep) and Darcey kicks off for the judges saying that she loved that story of young love that was portrayed throughout. Darcey remembers being young kids! She’s just like you! Keeping it 200 hashtag catface hearteyes emoji! She loved the travel and glide and Cloudia’s stunning topline because of guess what? CLOUDIA’S AMAZING CORE. I can’t believe it’s taken til Week 4 for Darcey to mention someone’s core, I’ve missed it so much. Remember when Victoria slopped around the floor every week forgetting the routine and crying and Darcey was all “…still, amazing core strength”. Happy days. Len’s next and takes about half an hour to say he didn’t like it because there wasn’t enough in hold and then he still gives it an 8 later anyway. I do love how bored
Cloudia and AJ look throughout. It’s very “alright Granddad”.
Bruno’s next and calls them the “Ideal Teen Dream Team”. You can tell he identified so much with AJ in that routine. I bet there was a little heartbroken Cloudia in some Italian school in whatever year Bruno was last in the education system. 1952? 1953? He thinks Cloudia is always eager to please, which he likes, but sometimes comes across as though she’s trying too hard. Craig’s last and hated it. He saw gapping, he thought it was graceless, and he loathed how she “whack-kicked her batement”. Bit personal.
Up to Claud 9 they go, where AJ talks about how Cloudia does her best under intense pressure (I can’t imagine AJ exerting immense pressure on anything other than…well insert your own punchline about what teenage boys have a death grip on I can’t do *all* the work here). Scores are in
30
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Time now for Claudia’s Surreal Prop Interlude
This needs to end now, and quite badly doesn’t it?
Ed Balls & Katya Jones dancing the paso doble
I mean, with the Charleston it was because it was the Charleston and with the samba it was because it was Movie Week but this is just dumb. Can we have a week off the meme-hunting for once? Nobody died in Week 1 when he just did a waltz.
VT time now, and Katya and Ed talk about what an amazing time they had last week in his samba, where he played the part of an
angry pea. Katya reminisces about the crowd going wild as we see that
Ore is even pleased for other people in the most ostentatious manner possible. Ed closes by saying that he’s actually very proud that he’s getting scores like 23 and 24 overall, because it’s much better than he was expecting, which I absolutely believe, and which is sweet and which makes what’s about to happen even more of a bump.
Training now, and Ed tells us the full story of his paso. It’s to Bonnie Tyler, there’s a dragon, Katya is tied up, and she needs a knight to save her. Oddly enough, it was Bonnie Tyler where Scott Mills went absolutely sailing over the shark with me as well. Who’d have thought it? Watch out anyone doing a comedy tango to “Faster Than The Speed Of Night” next year. To practice for this, Ed goes combat training to learn how to slay a dragon and to the show’s credit
he pulls “no really, this is dumb” face over and over again.
TO THE MAGICAL KINGDOM!
I see news of the forthcoming vacant Head Judge post has reached Arlene. She’s back to take back her kingdom! Fortunately she’s about to be stopped by
The Daily Express? Ed sprints towards the dragon like Benny Hill charging after a runaway milk float and then slays it by, and I kid you not,
jumping up and pointing in its face. Could they not even spring for a toy sword? What becomes abundantly clear is that, after this bit, and once Katya’s free, he has absolutely zero memory of the routine he’s supposed to be doing until they get to the caping that he’s supposed to do at the very end. Zero. Zip. Nada. When Katya gets him in hold she does a creditable job of pushing and pulling him around, and when she can get in his eyeline she does her damndest to get him to copy her by giving him the most frantic and intense eye-balling I’ve ever seen on this show. Somehow it is both maternal and encouraging and also a death stare all at the same time. The rest though? Just random flailing about, stitching random half-remembered bits of routine together. I’m not sure if it’s lack of training or just a genuine memory blackout but it’s ALL gone. The one saving grace? Once they get to the caping and he picks it up again, it’s not half bad considering some of the efforts we’ve seen over the years.
Still, an absolute bloody state from beginning to end.
It gets a Standing Ovation because of course very little about the celebration of Ed Balls is about merit, really, not that that’s such a bad thing. Once they’re over at Tess, she blows his spot by saying that she noticed a few things went wrong. At least let him try to front it out Tess, come on. Len starts for the judges by grumbling that NEVER MIND HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO, HE WAS HOLDING OUT FOR A PASO! Ed’s sad little
wounded turtle face in response is quite something. Len goes on to say that they’ve had many Balls on the show over the years – Zoe, Johnny, Bobby, Michael – but none of them won the show. And he’s not sure Ed is going to either, but it won’t be for lack of trying. I think the “well done for putting your all in” to somebody who didn’t have the routine down at all is a bit much to be honest. I mean, he probably just forgot it, but none of that spoke of effort. Bruno’s next, and calls Ed a demented traffic warden with terrible shaping and awful capework. Ed’s all “the caping is literally the one thing I managed to remember to do properly, come on” which…he has a point.
Craig’s next and basically just goes “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” at him as a critique before Darcey closes by saying that Ed put plenty of gusto into it, but his arms were terrible, and she knows he can do better. We live in hope.
Up to Claud 9 they bounce, where Claudia pulls the “well we all loved it up here” card, which really is the new “you’re my favourites!”, except less knowing isn’t it? Claudia tells Ed she’s heard that he listens back to the judges comments every week to learn, and Ed says that’s true because he definitely wants to improve – tonight wasn’t the best but he wants to move forwards and improve. At this point Anastacia whoops “THAT’S RIGHT!” and start clapping like she’s at The Ryder Cup bless her. Scores are in
16. One mark off the lowest ever for a paso. Claudia calls for a group hug to make Ed feel better and
I genuinely think Cloudia nearly dies in the crush.
Naga Munchetty & Pasha Kovalev dancing the Charleston
[*PUNCHLINE REDACTED*]
Training now, and Pasha praises Naga for recovering so well from her buckle not unbuckling at the start of her tango last week. Naga replies “I enjoyed it though” in the same tone of voice used by someone who really enjoyed spending their caraving holiday inside the entire time playing Boggle because it bucketed it down the whole time. No really. It was a bonding experience. Also Naga claims to have taken inspiration from Len telling her that she’s better than she thinks she is, I think possibly (and I’m just guessing here) because it’s the first time she’s heard that in her entire life.
Training now, and to get Naga in the mood for her aquatic Charleston, Pasha is taking her to the Sealife Centre. The joke is that Naga turns up expecting to get in the tank with all the fishes (and why not, they made Ashley Taylor Dawson do it) but
they can’t even commit to that, having her saunter on in snorkel, flippers, diving mask and JEANS AND A SWEATSHIRT. I think my favourite part is when Pasha says that he’s brought Naga to meet a whole load of new friends
right before it cuts to some sharks. Is there subtext here, it’s very subtle if so. Pasha and Naga Charleston around the place and make weak sealife puns and let’s get on with it shall we?
TO THE OCEAN FLOOR!
Well I’ve never been forked by three prongs at once before, but if Pasha’s in charge then [*PUNCHLINE REDACTED*] He and Naga are dancing to “Minnie The Mermaid”, which I’ve never heard before, but it’s one of those old-school songs that begins with pootling oompah tuba noises, which makes the whole thing already seem a bit farcical from the off. The idea is that Pasha
disturbs a mermaid, and then turns her into a human with a peck on the cheek, after which point they Charleston. And maybe it’s just that literaly anything would come across as a peak after Ed’s paso, but this is easily her best dance yet. She looks actively engaged really for the first time and I think it’s done her the world of good to be forcibly crowbarred off Pasha. Unfortunately the show has now driven “CHARLESTON AS PERFORMANCE BASED TURNING POINT!” so bloody often now that you have to do something special for it to stick and with the best will in the world, this wasn’t, not even with Pasha getting his shapely calves out. The whole thing, mostly due to the choreography, is just a little bit haphazard and forgettable
weird lifts aside, and she starts to lose time badly and repeatedly towards the end. And I’m not sure that
“Stuck On Car Window Garfield Toy” is the best choice for an end-pose.
It gets a Standing Ovation from Katie Derham and her husband, which leads to the rather unfortunate incident of Tess yelling “THEY’RE ON THEIR FEET…………OVER THERE!” pointing several miles out of sight of the cameras. Tess then tells Naga that that was the first time she’s had to embrace comedy, like we didn’t all see the wig they put her in for Tina Turner Week. Or her handling a torch (NEVA 4GET). Bruno starts for the judges saying that Naga was a bit slippery in her footwork, but you’d expect that from a mermaid wouldn’t you? I guess so. Maybe it was a character choice? Craig’s next, and says that it was all very messy and wild and he didn’t like it. Pasha tries to rally with a “DID IT MAKE YOU SMIIILE?” (oh pasha…) but Craig just goes on to say that she looked like she was being harpooned during the lifts. Chance’d be a fine thing.
Darcey follows saying that she really appreciated that Naga tried hard to get the character right, but it meant she got over-excited and made mistakes with her timing, and we close with Len throwing a hufty at Craig for saying that Naga was TOO WILD AND MESSY when before he’s criticised a Charleston for being TOO NEAT AND PRECISE. Can someone introduce Len to a little story called “Goldilocks And The Three Bears”?
Up to Claud 9 they swim, where Naga’s all
YAY FOR CHARLESTON I HAD FUN I DEFINITELY KNOW WHAT FUN IS AND THAT WAS IT! Meanwhile, I’m saying it now, best hair Pasha’s had since joining this show. At least they’re both going to be leaving the series on a high. Scores are in
24. Darcey gives it only one mark more than she gave Ed, which is a sign of what happens when your floor is a 5 I guess.
Louise Redknapp & Kevin Clifton dancing the foxtrot
Something’s gone very wrong with Kevin and the fake tan machine there hasn’t it? Very wrong indeed. They’ll be chipping away trying to get all that off for the next three weeks at least. Tess tells us that the story of this routine is that Louise is going to use a remote control to take command of Kevin. Could she maybe start by pointing it at his face and turning the contrast down?
VT time, and Louise talks about what a magical time she had doing Flashdance. She particularly enjoyed the point where she walked up to the judges desk and saw that Bruno was doing exactly the same moves as her. Hun that’s not a good sign. At any rate, Louise grins that it made her night. Is anyone surprised Louise is easily pleased? Anyone?
Training now, and we’re eschewing the Comedy VTs everyone else has been lumbered with for another Relatable Louise Redknapp : Megamum tale.
Look at her! Being all relatable and normal with her wardrobe larger than my entire living room (I bet it goes on for a good 7 or 8 feet past the edge of that shot as well). She’s off to meet Kevin to do the foxtrot! Once there, Kevin sits her down and tells her very solemnly, like daddy’s cancelling Christmas, that she’s just unlucky to have entered Strictly in a year when the standard is so incredibly high! Oh are we getting our excuses for yet another 3rd place finish in early? Let’s break the field down at this point :
Melvin : No
Tameka : No
Will : Quit
Ed : NO
Naga : Lol No
Anastacia : Not Even Without The Injury
Rinder : Good grief no
Lesley : Bless her but not really
Greg : Bless him even more but also not really
Laura : Who even knows, maybe in Bruno’s head and his alone, but she’s hardly terrifying opposition at this point having wammed into the Dance-Off in WEEK THREE and barely beaten Cackles The Comedy Contestant
Cloudia : Great flippity McDoodads (madam) but a clear foot shorter than her pro
Daisy : Holly Valance 2 with even less public vote appeal and added nehrves
Ore : Good until the week when we inevitably recreate Flat Stanley when Joanne actually drops the entire Props Closet on top of him
Danny : Fair enough
I’d take my chances with this compared to Series 6 and 8 for a start.
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Anyway, Kevin says that as a result of this they have to focus on getting her foxtrot footwork absolutely perfect. Because in past series, that has made all the difference. Caroline Flack’s foxtrot footwork is still the topic of at least three threads a week on Digital Spy. I’d do a poll about which winner had the best foxtrot, but I think the resulting Fan Warz would actually break the wordpress server, so for the sake of your health let’s move on. Louise practices the foxtrot in her big relatable kitchen
the end.
TO THE LIVING ROOM!
OH LOOK IT’S THE 60S AGAIN! The thing with Kevin getting good partner after good partner after good partner after good partner and doing this chintzy retro Perfect Housewife routine with all of them, is that after a while it starts to feel like a pattern is building up. And I am talking a serial killer pattern here, like Buffy The Vampire Slayer’s Robot Stepdad.I want Louise to break out from the foxtrot and rush to the basement and find Susanna, Frankie, and Kellie’s heads all stuffed and mounted on the wall with nameplates saying “Wife 1”, “Wife 2”, and “Wife 3”. Susanna was the rich glamorous one, Frankie was the young innocent one, Kellie was the loud fun bit common one, and all their torsos are now in the ice cream freezer next to the boiler. At least Louise seems benign enough to be the one who finally escapes and tells the police. They’re dancing their foxtrot to “Tears Dry On Their Own” by Amy Winehouse and if you’re wondering how that even remotely fits a 60s themed foxtrot about a
magical remote control, then don’t, because it doesn’t. This is Kevin Clifton who last year interpreted “Love Aint Here Any More” to mean “because it moved next door”. The foxtrot? Is nice. A little fast. But nice. But there’s still too many competing elements going on here and as a result I think whilst it was much better danced this did even less for her than last week. At least last week was fun.
I’m not sure what this was. I’d say it was one step too far into beige but that would neglect the colour of Kevin’s face.
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It gets a Standing Ovation and Craig starts for the judges, saying he truly enjoyed that performance, particularly the musicality and cleanliness. Mmm. Clean. Darcey’s next and says she really liked the story and how it flowed into the dance but she thinks that Louise is coasting a little bit and Kevin needs to push her harder. I agree with Darcey for once. Although not the bit where she says she wants to see Louise SHOW HERSELF and then pulls this face
Louise can’t be Norma Desmond until Musicals Week Darcey.
Len’s next, and he loved the footwork, but thinks that Louise was a little too far to Kevin’s right side, which was causing her arms to stretch unnaturally. I love the idea that Len could think anything was too far right. It seems unlikely. Bruno closes by telling Kevin not to pick a fight in real life like he did in that routine, because a woman that beautiful never loses any arguments. Well let’s stick Kelly Brook on Question Time and find out shall we? Anyway, he thinks it was a wonderful soap opera of a dance hooray.
Up to Claud 9 they chintz, where we get a MEGAMUM BONUS as Claudia chats with Louise about how she practiced her foxtrot on the school run, and also discuss how Louise’s own mother and mother-in-law sit with their arms entwined in the audience every week. And speaking of intertwining arms
Greg and Gorka are having a bit of a moment at the back there. Powerfully erotic. Scores are in
33
Danny Mac & Oti Mabuse
I just realised that the clues to him being the latest Strictly Bot were there in his name the whole time. Tess starts with a lame joke about how Danny impressed everyone with his coup de pique last week, but better hope he hasn’t COUP DE PIQUE’D TOO SOON! I recount this mostly because I could take about 50 screengrabs of Oti’s face at the idea that Danny might have peaked too soon and they’d all be amazing
Just savour this one.
VT time and Oti asks Danny if he enjoyed the dance last week. He says he didn’t until the judges started talking. Oti then gives him the hose again. THAT’S STILL ENJOYING IT TOO MUCH! IF YOU’RE HAVING FUN YOU’RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH! SAVE THE CELEBRATIONS FOR WHEN YOU GET HER HER GLITTERBALL, AND NOT A MOMENT’S REST UNTIL THEN
NOW SAY YOU HATED EVERY MINUTE AND SHE’LL UNTIE YOUR LEGS, PEASANT. DON’T MAKE HER PINCH YOU AGAIN.
Training, and Danny tells us that he’s got the quickstep, which he has never heard of and knows nothing about. Fortunately Gloti and Carly Stenson have got some subliminal tapes to play into his ears whilst he sleeps, so Conscious Danny doesn’t need to know anything about quickstep. He’s just a willing, slightly dim, affable meatpuppet for them, and apparently now the Jaypet Army in their never-ending battle against The Cliftons. I can get behind this storyline to be honest. To teach Conscious Danny about the quickstep, Oti has a field trip for him. I swear the tone Oti puts on “I have a surprise for you! YOU’RE GONNA LOVE IT!” is exactly the same as Blofeld would use on a hapless minion before opening the trapdoor above the shark tank. In more mundane reality she’s actually taking him to see
Mario from Big Brother 11, and his wunnerful wunnerful orchestra. Both Danny and Oti try conducting – he is not good at it, Oti is (although she seems to be doing it mostly with her arse), let’s move on.
TO THE ORCHESTRA PIT!
I know that’s proper attire for the opera, but it really does look like he’s got two little legs dangling there over his chest. It looks like he should be partnering Cloudia. He and Oti are dancing to “I Won’t Dance” by Fred Astaire (sadly not the TONY GAGA version, what a missed opporunity) and let’s get this out of the way first – I think Len had a point about the faffing. Out of a 90 second routine, it takes a good third of it before they get into hold, and whilst it’s impressive that he can keep in time with Oti in the Charleston/Pendulum steps on the stage without
even looking at her, I didn’t need 30 seconds of jumping up and down on the stage before they started my favourite ballroom dance (Quickstep > Tango > V. Waltz > Waltz > Foxtrot). Having said that, once they get going, they get going. It’s full of content without being manic, it’s fast without his looking like he’s riding a motorbike over cobblestones (*cough*Laura*cough*) and for the first time he’s showing real actual personality beyond that of a background character from Magic Mike XXL on the dancefloor. There’s just a real lightness, ease and charm to it and I wish they’d packed out the full running time. It all builds a big run across the floor at the end with leaps and checks and
they’re just so very together, it’s great.
Now, I think, he has arrived.
It gets a standing ovation, albeit one that seems to fade fairly quickly, and Darcey starts for the judges, saying that that was pure class. She spent the whole time he was on the stage waiting for him to get started, and when he did, he just sailed. She was particualrly impressed that he clearly led the dance, because that’s very difficult for the male celebrities to do. Tameka of course, did it with ease for the ladies. Len’s next and says that he was impressed with the amount of swing and sway Danny got into the routine but, as you might expect, the stuff on the stage went on for too long and got on his wick.
Oti’s “DILLIGAF” face is a delight as ever. Maybe I should start a sideblog that is just pictures of Oti’s face at this point.
Bruno’s next, and he says that it was all right up there with Fred Astaire, and then
deploys the signal for the ovary voters to start mashing their ladyparts up against their laptops. They’ve changed the log-in procedures ladies, you’re really going to have to jiggle them. He does think that Danny “missed an arm in the slide” though. Whatever that means. Sounds like an unpleasant accident in a kiddy playground. Craig closes by groaning that Danny Mac is on fire. Do you think Danny Mac would notice if he was on fire? I don’t. I think he’d just think there was a bbq going on near by.
Up to Claud 9 they bound, where we learn that Danny’s mum dresses up her dogs every week to match Danny’s costumes.
Or is this next week? Are he and Oti going to be orthodox rabbis? Also, yeah, sure “Danny’s mum”. I hope Carly has them back at Battersea Dogs Home by the end of the weekend or they’ll double the fees. Claudia next turns to Danny and says that he told her that he was looking forwards to the quickstep most of all, and Danny says “yeah, ever since I was a little kid”. Erm, your VT started with you saying you didn’t even know what it was, can we get some internal consistancy here? I know the mastermind behind this whole thing grew up on the Hollyoaks set but this is some sloppy storylining. Scores are in
36. For those of you keeping track, to follow up from last week, over the first four dances, only Alesha and Natalie Gumede have got off to better starts. By one point. If he gets 37 or higher next week he surpasses them. With a blokerumba.
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Daisy Lowe & Aljaz Skorjanec dancing the rumba
Turns out, when people hang out together for too long, they start to get the same face. It’s a very strange phenomenon but here we are. Tess tells us that last week Daisy was children’s favourite Mary Poppins, but now she’s “all grown up” with a sexy rumba. Ugh, way to sound like The Sun counting down to when its readers could legally pop Charlotte Church’s cherry Tess.
VT time, and Daisy is chatting with Aljaz about her quickstep, saying that her two favourite moments were when she clicked her fingers at the beginning to make Aljaz appear and afterwards when Darcey was nice about her footwork. Erm
and she’s wearing a nice top? I’m not sure a little bit more effort couldn’t be going into the women’s edits this series, texture wise. I’m starting to miss last year when you had genuine mental cases like Helen George and Katie Derham looning around the place, Anita wanting to stab Gleb in the neck with a biro the entire time, Jamelia’s VTs gradually becoming ever more manic variations on “THIS WEEK I WAS IN THE SODDING DANCE OFF A-SODDING-GAIN” and heck, even the sheer volume of Kellie was at least good for waking you up if you were nodding off. This year? Laura has a dog, Louise has a kitchen, Daisy has a nice top.
Training now and Daisy tells us she’s really excited to have the rumba, and I’m really excited to have yet another new side of Aljaz – Strict Aljaz. Excited for all of about 5 seconds because seriously
this is the best that they can do? It’s like a Championship footballer getting a bit shirty with the referee. About all I get out of it is Daisy actually uttering the sentence “when Aljaz is firm, you know he means business” and even that’s only a minor fit of the