A whole Movie Night without ONE JAMES BOND ROUTINE! HALLELUJAH!
Last week : A bunch of dances and stuff (mostly waltzes) but more importantly
Brenda was ALREADY GETTING INTO CHARACTER FOR HIS SPARKLY VAMPIRE DANCE, HE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO BE SAFE, RIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGED. As a result of this RIGGAGE (also because he got no public votes and wasn’t a very good dancer) Melvin went home and Janette joined the First Boot Club which, in terms of currently serving pros, is just her and Anton. Hopefully there are a lot of fun nibbles at the meetings, because I can’t see those two having a lot to talk about.
TONIGHT : We start with a comedy VT themed around an interminable movie press junket, where the stars give long winded pretentious answers that bear little relation to the questions asked. At least I think it was a Comedy VT. One interesting thing to note
Every celebrity agreed to take part in this other than Tameka and Laura. Do we have a new Strictly Curse? Is the Boot Order now in fact being determined by the people who write the Comedy VTs? What a terrifying though.
LIVE!
You’d touch it as often as possible as well wouldn’t you though
We start with a pro dance (and thank God they found something to fill up the space left by Melvin’s departure, as otherwise the show might come in at under 5 hours long) themed around Rodgers & Hammerstein musicals featuring
Natalie Lowe as Maria von Trapp accompanied by Ore, Danny, Cloudia and Louise as the Von Trapp children
Anastacia, Tameka and Lesley as Nuns On The Run (was that a Rodgers & Hammerstein Musical?)
Neil and Laura as Curly and Laurey, with Joanne Clifton as the Girl Who Cain’t Say No (to props)
Ed and Greg as Brokeback Mountain (couple of great tunes from that one – “I Just Don’t Know How To Quit You” is one of the last great 11 O’Clock Numbers and “Spit & Shove” is a truly crowdpleasing Act 1 Finale)
Bald Cap Brenda and Daisy as Richard O’Brien & Mumsy from The Crystal Maze Musical
and Judge Rinder as Jimmy Sommerville from Small Town Boy : The Communards Jukebox Musical. And God bless Naga there managing to make holding a stick of candy floss look awkward as hell. It’s a fun routine, although the show pausing procedings constantly to throw up little title video cards during the transitions between “themes” makes the whole thing feel a bit clunky and stop-starty. You’ve got a great big sign saying CAROUSEL and Brenda dressed as the King Of Siam, I think people will get which musical is which guys.
This is South Pacific right?
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The music cues up again, and we’re treated to the arrival of
The Incredible Mixed Up Creature That Stopped Living And Became Tess And Claudia. They tell us that we are broadcasting live tonight on Movie Night from Elstree Studios, where several past Movie Classics were filmed. Star Wars, Indiana Jones, The King’s Speech and the James & Ola Sex Tape : One Night In Jordans (release date March 2017 based on their current fame trajectory). But what would Movie Night be without our critics? Addison DeTwitt, Richard Groeper, Mark Commode,
and Pauline Kael-Over (*hic*).
Once they’re out, our celebrities follow shortly afterwards. Obviously as it’s Movie Week everyone’s dressed up to the nines, which we’ll discuss as we go along and have a poll about later but we’re starting off with a tribute to an iconic Julie Andrews performance.
Victor/Victoria. God bless that little drag king.
Mary Poppins & Bert dancing the quickstep
Tess tells us that these two will be dancing a quickstep to a song from Mary Poppins, and on past form, it’ll be “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”. Tess, based on the past form of the Blindfolded Dart Throwing Song Choice Monkeys, it’ll be Feed The Birds.
VT time and look
here Daisy and Aljaz are, just hanging out by the piano, don’t mind them.
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Aljaz asks Daisy how she felt going through her first Elimination Week (those model diets do funny things to your insides obviously) and she says she was very nervous beforehand, but once she got out there she really enjoyed it. They then move on to discussing their illegal lift with Daisy telling Aljaz that she’s got a “little bone to pick” with him for upsetting Len.
Naughty Aljaz! (As seen on It Takes Two). Daisy should count herself lucky she got the “Len doesn’t like an illegal lift” card out the great Deck Of Random Len Strops, because it usually goes smoother for all concerned than “Len doesn’t like the choreography” or “Len thinks you danced that rumba like a whore” or “Len doesn’t like you because you are gay”. All equally randomly deployed.
Training now, and Aljaz has a present for Daisy to help her get into the character of Mary Poppins.
Really is the definition of “Oh You Shouldn’t Have” isn’t it? As he presents it to her, Aljaz does a cockney accent, and Daisy tells him that she hopes his choreography for the routine is better than his Dick van Dyke. Well quite, that accent was far too good to be Dick van Dyke’s. He needed to swallow his tongue far more. Daisy and Aljaz return to their training room to find it in disarray
Is that someone’s pants on the floor? Has Anton been living in here whilst Daisy and Aljaz are out? Is that the explanation behind why he’s stopped shaving for It Takes Two? What a tragedy. I don’t like to imagine Anton alone and homeless with only the Reindeer Ghosts for company. Anyway, Daisy uses her new magic umbrella to tidy up
Aljaz pulls adorably stupid faces, they train for the quickstep, Daisy actually says “it’s so fast and there are so many steps” (doy), it’s just another Movie Week Comedy VT! It all ends with Aljaz whipping out a tape measure and
I’m no size queen, but nothing 3.5 inches is “practically perfect in every way”, I’m sorry.
To the Banks Living Room!
So we’re starting with the trick from the film wherein Mary Poppins pulls a surprising amount out of a tatty old bag that you wouldn’t expect it from. James Jordan pulled off much the same thing in Series 8. Daisy yanks a teapot, an aspadistra, high heels, a wedding cake, and a lampshade out of the bag all to the spoken word intro of “A Spoonful Of Sugar” before she starts dancing. Faffing? What faffing? I would have gone the whole hog and had the Man In The Hat crawl out of there as well. Once they get going it’s another cute and light routine from Daisy, which moves around the floor nicely with Aljaz incorporating a lot of little character moments that pull her personality out. I feel like this is going to be the Daisy experience this year – a lot of enjoyable 8/10s without ever really exploding, whilst not being as deadeningly nice as Louise. For those on Aljaz Gapping watch, they are tighter than Dick van Dyke’s hatband, although the slightly laboured Charleston section they do augers ill for her ultimate performance in that dance. And the jive. And somehow the Argentine Tango as well. Anything that involves using the legs at all really.
They is cute together though. And that’s half the battle.
It gets a really obviously Ordered In Standing Ovation, whilst up on Claud 9
only two out of six people are even paying any attention at all, our two new pros hanging out pretending to eat propcorn. Is this what they envisioned when they got the call up? Probably not. Daisy and Aljaz jaunt over to Tess, who as usual introduces our singers and Davearch.
IF THE MAN IN THE HAT YOU WISH TO SEE, ANSWER ME THESE RIDDLES THREE!
1) WHY IS A RAVEN LIKE A WRITING DESK?
2) WHAT GETS WETTER THE MORE IT DRIES?
3) WHEN AM I GETTING SOME DECENT BLOODY TANGO MUSIC?
Len starts for the judges, saying that Daisy PULLED A LOT OUT OF THAT BAG and also PULLED OUT ALL THE STOPS ON THE DANCEFLOOR! I swear three weeks in and already nobody has ever been more ready than me for someone else to retire. Not even Prince Charles. He praises Daisy for her posture, hold, and movement around the floor. Bruno is next and just yells SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIRALLYDAISY! That’s closer than I thought he’d get, I’d have envisioned him falling off his chair onto the floor by “listic”. He tells Daisy that he is on Cloud 9, and says it was like Mary Poppins re-envisioned by Christian Dior (/Vicky Giggles From Wardrobe).
Craig’s next and rags on the Charleston section, saying it needed to be lighter and more precise, and then tells Daisy that her left shoulder was too high up in hold.
I love how protective Aljaz is of her here. Definitely not giving me feelings. Darcey closes by saying that Daisy’s footwork was perfect, but she needs a more taut torso. Yes, even models being told that now, what a world.
Up to Claud 9 they chim-chim-cheree where Lesley is
just finding out the popcorn is made out of styrofoam. Daisy says that she loved the whole thing and Aljaz talks about how hard it is to go out first and do such a difficult routine. He then says “well done Mary” a couple of times like he’s getting into the fantasy a LITTLE too much. Scores are in
31
Bella Swan & Edward Cullen dancing the Viennese Waltz
Oh Make-Up. You aim for Robert Pattinson, but sometimes you land on Julian Clary. Tess reminds us that last week Anastacia suffered an injury (no!) that meant she couldn’t compete in the dance off (never!) but she’s a real fighter (tell me more!) and this week will be back stronger than ever.
Indeed, in her VT, the first half just takes us through Anastacia’s Very Bad No Good Week. First she was injured, then Brenda had to change her choreography at the last minute because of this, then her salsa went badly, then she injured herself further, then the judges hated it, then she was in the bottom 2, then she had a hissy fit backstage and attacked Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig With A Broken Bott…I mean, then the BBC discovered a rule somewhere towards the back of the Strictly Rulebook that meant she got to stay in after all! Hooray! Anastacia thanks the Universe for this opportunity.
The Universe and the medical bills Ali Bastian landed the BBC with after they made her do a dance-off in Series 7 on a broken metatarsal.
Training now, but first a visit to Anastacia’s Harley Street Consultant
Dr Blurry McQuack. His prescription for Anastacia’s ripped scar tissue? A ONE WAY TICKET TO BLACKPOOL! Oh ok, not really, she’s better than they thought on Saturday Night, so she’s going to carry on with a comparatively restful Viennese Waltz. She and Brendan twirl around each other a bit and Anastacia talks about how the song they’re dancing to from Twilight just melts her. Brenda meanwhile says that he’s VERY EXCITED TO STILL BE IN THE COMPETITION in a way that suggests he’s really not, but whatever Brenda you’re getting to be a sparkly vampire. This is as good as it gets for you outside of 80s Week.
TO FORKS, WASHINGTON!
Anastacia and Brenda are dancing to “A Thousand Years” which as he mentioned on It Takes Two he thinks the Strictly audience might not be familiar with despite us having to sit through it three bloody times in Series 10. Then again nobody went broke underestimating the attention span of the British public so maybe he’s got a point. Also in all the ways I’d listed how the show tried to bump Anastacia off this week I missed
“highlight the massive tattoo of a spatchcocked pigeon she’s got on her upper back”. This is a nice enough Viennese Waltz, although she’s very unsteady on her feet in hold and her hands are pinching Brendan like clothes pegs the entire time. As roaring comebacks go it feels very “well how nice for you to get to leave on a high off you go so long what a brave little trooper”. I do love her
serene and dreamy acting face though, and she spins very nicely. The dance ends with the typical choreographical sap of “girl walks off sadly thinking the romance is over, but boy grabs her and tells her, breathlessly
that she’s forgotten her coat”.
LOL NOT REALLY, TRUE IMMORTAL LOVE FOREVER! CREEPY, STALKERISH, PATERNALISTIC IMMORTAL LOVE WITH NO ESCAPE NOT EVEN VIA DEATH! SQUEEEEE!
It gets no Standing Ovation but, in “NO HARD FEELINGS!” news
Janette leads the cheering section up on Claud 9. Once they’re over at the judges, Tess is very “you alright love? Definitely not torn your boobs open again?” and goes on to say Twilight really is what she personally calls a romance. I’ll bet it is. Bruno starts for the judges, saying it was “very nice, very sweet, and very simple”. Is he reading Tess’ CV there? Also GET that faint praise Anatacia, GET IT. Bruno carries on the very proper burial by telling Anastacia that Brenda guided her around very well, but she needs to work on her balance. Ouch. Craig’s next, and he tells Anastacia that her shoulders were up very high, she lost balance all the time, and she wasn’t as smooth as he’d hoped, but he likes how confident she is. From giving that ropey cha cha an 8 to now. Et tu Craig?
Darcey follows, saying it had a “beautiful quality”, and she understands why Anastacia kept losing balance – it’s because the studio lights were up in her face the whole time. That was the excuse Darcey used when she up-ended herself at the wrap party and flashed her knickers to everyone, nothing to do with the 3/4 empty bottle of Captain Morgan in her hand at the time, so why not Anastacia? Even then Anastacia can rest assured that, according to Darcey, just like Naga, she has a beautiful neck. Len closes by saying that it was quiet, understated, and classy.
Brenda has never been so insulted in all his life.
Up to Claud 9 they vamp, where Claudia says this is a whole new Anastacia that we’ve never seen before. Well yes, you did give her pretty much the same dance style to do two weeks in a row, first off, that will happen. Anastacia says that SHE’S never this side of her before, and it’s so FEMININE. She’s always been a girl, but she’s never realised it until today! The
FACES on the rest of Claud 9 at this American therapy twaddle are truly spectacular.
Brenda is next and he says that he just loves Movie Week, because at least the public at home know from the off what you’re trying to be. (Flashback to last year when he and Kirsty Gallacher turned up looking like they’d been face-painted by a couple of five year olds to be a spider and Nancy Reagan). I’m already excited for his Hallowe’en Speech this year. Thank everyone Brenda. Thank make-up, hair, costumes, the cleaners, everybody. Scores are in
27
Zorro & Elena Montero dancing the paso doble
Tess does some intro about how this legandary outlaw is sure to steal the show, but you can tell that at dress rehearsals she saw that mask and thought “FINALLY A ROUTINE BASED ON THE LITERARY AND CINEMATIC GENIUS OF 50 SHADES” and got disappointed. Her heart’s not in.
VT time, and Danny says that he was so pleased to be top of the leaderboard last week and hopes he smashes it this week. Yeah, not really feeling the sense of jeopardy here. Maybe they’ll pull a random Len Strop card soon? Fingers crossed.
Training now, and to get into the character of Zorro, Danny and Oti are going
HOUSEPAINTING! Oh no…wait…FENCING! This had got my hopes up that there was going to be an actual sword involved in the routine. We all remember when Natalie swung that axe at Craig’s face after Michael Vaughan’s jive, this could have been good. Both Danny and Oti are getting lessons here, and Gloti emerges yet again, as she’s obscenely smug that not only is Danny a great dancer, he’s also an amazing swordfighter! Attagirl. He’s a triple threat! Dancing, swordfighting, being in Hollyoaks! The VT then sadly descends into complete unbelievability, as Danny and Oti face off in a match, and Danny wins. I’d sooner buy that Daisy legit has magic powers to be honest.
TO SPAIN!
What a big D. Danny is doing his paso to the Zorro Music from Zorro The Movie starring Zorro. I previously remember it from when I kii’d all over Holly’s paso in Series 9, the most forgotten of all the Legendary Dances of Strictly Past. Once the cloth is removed
Danny descends, feeling a little more like Spiderman than Zorro, and then goes right into the usual Oti Mabuse 100mph routine, leaping about the place like a Spanish flea whilst Oti
works every inch of herself about him, very high fashion. It’s another highly accomplished performance from Danny as he works his Spanish lines (the arch of his back in particular is gawjuss) and menaces the dancefloor, although the whole thing is undercut slightly by the ridiculous outfit.
It’s a bit “no hun, it’s just a swingers party, you don’t have to turn up in fancy dress, go change in the toilets if you want, we’ll wait”. Like, if Richard & Judy went to car key parties I guarantee this is how he would turn up. Probably through the French Windows with a rose between his teeth and a box of Thorntons in the other. It’s passionate, it’s dynamic, the song sounds…a little like the theme tune to the Antiques Roadshow in places, it’s another week of Danny being that little bit better than everyone else is at the whole dancing thing. Now, to find a personality!
OLE!
It gets a Standing O, as we jump to
the Kingmaker herself in the audience, mentally clearing the mantlepiece space not just for the trophy for this series, but also the one for the 2017 Christmas Special as well. Danny gets over to Tess and tells her that he might have worked hard all week but the make up and costume teams this week have really been SMASHING IT! So nice, so humble, Carly Stenson couldn’t have scripted it better. Did Ricky Nipple ever thank the crew backstage? NO. TICK IT OFF THE LIST. Craig starts for the judges, and tells Danny that his timing and shaping were both excellent. To this Gloti gets so gloti that she
actually starts levitating. Maybe it’s a tribute to that scene in Mary Poppins, but instead of laughter it’s hubris that makes her fly? Darcey’s next and dribbles over Danny’s “curves” and admires his tuck. I think…there might just not be that much down there Darce, this isn’t Ru-Paul’s Drag Race. At this point Oti gets so smug
she actually dies, and no longer is Elsie the happiest corpse you’ve ever seen. GET TESS TO CALL THE DOCTOR!
Len follows by yelling that Danny Mac is officially THE GAY BLADE! and Oti’s really made him happy by sticking a coup de pique into the routine. At this point Oti is so pleased with herself she actually starts doing a little dance. She never stops delivering does she? Bruno closes by gushing about the amount of flamenco in the routine (Bruno *loves* flamenco, trust me) and then compares Danny to Carlos Acosta. Not that we’re getting ridiculous here or anything. Although Len probably thinks that Carlos Acosta plays for Arsenal so…
Up to Claud 9 they smuggle, where Claudia claims that Craig has never used the word “excellent” in wk 3 before. I don’t have a spreadsheet for that (no, really, I don’t) but that seems unlikely. Danny piffles some about how it feels like they’re in a movie and Craig’s got the wrong script. Oh I think he’s got the right script Danny, it came in a brown envelope this morning with a bunch of £20s courtesy of Carly S. Scores are in
36. Adding it up, this means that only 6 celebrities have ever scored more over the course of the first three dances than Danny has. On the other hand, only 1 of those 6 celebrities went on to win.
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Hannah Brown & Don Hewes dancing the quickstep
Wow, Flavia’s really let herself go si…oh hang on. (I love how EVERY WIG on a theme week ends up being a variation on the The Flavia. Did she leave a job lot?) Given what’s under Anton’s hat…I wish that had stayed on for the entire routine as well.
VT time and Anton tells Lesley that she was officially “marvellous” on Saturday in her cha cha. He doesn’t even say “ha ha”. He means it guys, he really means it.
Training now and Anton tells us that Movie Week is his favourite week, like we don’t all remember Katie’s cha cha from last series where she literally just stood there wiggling on the spot with shopping bags to Pretty Woman, ending her chances of winning the whole series stone dead in Week 3. Lesley meanwhile, thinks that Anton is having problems with his flexibility at his age, so she’s going to take him through some yoga poses. The Cat’s Cradle, The Rising Sun, The Magic Aubergine
The Twisted Gorilla, The Erin Island, and
the Bruno Tonioli. So named because it involves having a man’s legs up over your shoulders.
TO THE ALLEYWAY!
I have to say, I know I’m always very…free to say if the male pros on this show have ever had an effect on me lower portions, but this is the first time Anton has given me even one swell, let alone two. He and Lesley are, of course, playing the delightful tramps from the routine in Easter Parade. I remember Anton doing this with Erin as part of a group routine previously, so I’m glad to see her spirit live on, even if it is via a septugenarian whose hold still looks like a cat dangling off a washing line and whose gapping is
even bigger than the one they’ve blacked into her teeth. Again though, she’s giving it lots of energy and vigour and determination and it’s definitely still miles away from when Gloria Hunniford walking around pointing. Now if only we could find an older male celebrity who can go with quite the same pizznache. With the over 60s men you’re pretty much topping out at Tim Wonnacott. As fun as the routine is there’s also
little extra moments of Vlademir & Estragon style existential ennui scattered throughout, which is nice. Are you getting that level of depth from Tameka Empson dressed up as like that squeaky one from Police Academy no you are not.
SHE’S JUST TIRED YER GRACES, TIRED OF THIS LIFE. HER FEETS KNOW WHAT HER BRAINS KEEP HIDS FROM HERSELF.
It gets a Standing Ovation including from
both Birds Of A Feather. I wonder if Pauline breaks her supposed inviolate rule of voting once for every contestant every week in order to be fair for Lesley. Probably not. Lesley is UTTERLY out of breath, so Darcey starts quickly for the judges as Tess’ interview is going nowhere fast. She tells Lesley that’s she surprised that she didn’t finish that dance limp on the floor (she…did, were you not watching?) such were the acrobatics and exertions. She then goes on to call Lesley “one fit b……………..unny”. Just say “bitch” Darcey, Bruno’s said worse. Every week. (The thought that Darcey’s judging is so banal because she’s constantly holding back the urge to swear is an appealing one to be honest). Len’s next, and he says that he loved all the little references to the film, blended in with Propah Quickstep Content including a FISHTAIL. Ballroom steps just have the best names don’t they? Still, Len couldn’t hate an Anton Quickstep even if he tried, this is no suurprise.
Bruno’s next, and he says that he loved the roleplay (I’ll bet, look out grindr, Bruno’s on the prowl for a hobo daddy)
(*5 minute pause for Chris to think about the words he just wrote*)
ahem, and the little quirky elements, but he saw her go wrong in the corner. Craig closes by saying that she was taking steps that were far too big, and the knock-on effect was gapping all over the place. On the other hand, he adored the energy and the personality, and he hopes when he’s 70s he can whirl around the floor like that.
And like you as well Lesley.
Up to Claud 9 they go, with Lesley apologising profusely the whole way up for whatever she did wrong in the corner. Once she’s up there, Claudia gets in a quick plug for It Takes Two, saying she watched it this week and saw Lesley going on about her love of quickstep and says it really moved her. Claudia being sincere is WEIRD. Lesley says she just really enjoys the quickstep because she feels like she’s floating when she’s doing it right. Anton for his part says that he can’t remember having had a better week on Strictly, which is sweet given that Lesley clearly knows this is all coming off the back of Anton’s BEST YEAR EVER with his ONE GOOD PARTNER EVER. Part of me would find it reeeeeeeeally funny if these two now won the whole show. Scores are in
27
And now, our Claudia Prop Comedy Interlude
No, me either
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Jamal & Latika dancing the salsa
Tess starts by rhyming “Bollywood” with “Jolly Good”. Well it’s a living.
VT time, and we cover first how Will supposedly messed up his jive choreography last week
by “missing a whole section”. I mean, based on the footage it looked like he *added* a whole section, which in my opinion should if anything get you bonus points. Creativity isn’t it? Sometimes I’d take my own choreography over Karen Clifton’s anyway. Is that worth penalising?
Training, and Will tells us that this week they’ll be doing a Bollywood themed salsa to Jai Ho. No hen, you’ll be doing a Bollywood dance with 5 seconds of twidly arm crossovers in, stop trying to stick a fig leaf on John Holmes. Honestly I think they just chose this theme so they could assert some sort of control over what Will wears in training. I mean, it’s always going to be bizarre but at least this way
they can stick some fences down around the edges. As they’re doing Bollywood, and Karen has no grounding (she didn’t even do it when she was on So You Think You Can Dance) (Iveta did) she’s decided to bring in an expert to teach them the intricacies. She and Will watch agog
as the lady says stuff like “do nice fingers” and “erm…screwing the lightbulb?”. I’m not saying the lady’s not an expert, but I’m also not NOT saying that the segment feels like Karen just went down to the Tesco Metro next to the training room and pulled in the first brown person she saw.
TO THE TRAIN STATION!
Between this and all the disco you have to wonder if this show is trying slowly to break up with the salsa and it’s just not taking the hint. Odd when statistically speaking it’s the most important dance in the entire repertoire. But yes, this isn’t a salsa this is Bollywood style dancing (apparently as interpreted by the woman who choreographed the Cola Charleston) with some wiggly woo arms. I can honestly count 7 seconds of this that looks anything like salsa as it’s been done on this show before, and then factor in that we’re told by the Authentic Salsa Experts that that’s not salsa either. The Bollywood itself though is fine. It’s interesting to see Will’s low energy style mesh with a dance that’s normally seen as being so peppy and bouncy. Actually I can’t see that he’s taking to it any worse than Karen (and possibly slightly better than Iveta, no offence Iveta don’t hurt me). His face is a little blank, but all the lifts carry off well and there’s a smoothness to his moves that plays well. Unfortunately on the other hand, I watched Dancing On Ice and therefore NEVER NEED TO HEAR THIS SONG IN A REALITY TV CONTEXT EVER AGAIN.
It gets a Standing Ovation (and I love the cut to Claud 9 where you can see Louise theatrically miming “THAT WAS REALLY GOOD” to someone just out of shot, like she’s in Noises Off) but there’s no time for good vibes as *cracks knuckles* it’s time for a fight. Len starts (here we go) by saying that Will really got him in the party mood (we’re five dances in Leonard) and he thinks he’s a fantastic dancer but he didn’t see enough salsa in there. There were only 6 or 8 bars, and he wanted more. Will shoots back whipsmart that actually there were 24 “counts of eight” of salsa in there. How fast are you counting there Will? Is that, like, Rain Man counting? Anyway, Len fires back that that’s VERY NICE OF WILL TO SAY but LEN DIDN’T RECOGNISE THEM and BY THE WAY SHUT THE FUCK UP lol just kidding OR AM I. Or words to that effect. My favourite part of all of this is
just how much Karen wants absolutely nothing to do with any of it. I like how Len easily could have made Will look petulant and backchatty and presumtuous there and instead chose to bite his head off. Will giggle-mutters something about how “that” worked for him 15 years ago so he thought he’d just try it again now. Imagine that Simon Cowell was actually more dignified about it as well, you live and learn.
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Bruno’s next and just yells “HOORAY FOR BOLLYWOOD! VINDALOO! MATTHEW BOURNE! CONTEMPORARY!” and waves his arms about randomly. On this form he should negotiate the Israel-Palestine conflict.
Craig’s next and picks a fight with Len on Will’s side, saying there was enough salsa in there for him, and he loved that they took a risk and mixed the two styles, and Darcey says she loved the lifts and how they mixed the two styles together. This all feels like everyone’s very deliberately not looking at the car accident that just happened. I’d be reveling in it myself.
Up to Claud 9 they motor, where Claudia’s “well Craig liked it and Darcey loved it, you and Darcey have a thing going on don’t you?” at which point Will clearly remembers that his gimmick at the start of the season was that he wanted Len to be his friend and says that he really loves LEN, and he doesn’t want to be disrespectful but he’s just PASSIONATE. I mean, I’ve often tried to make friends by snottily correcting people in a public forum about things they at least theoretically know more about than me, but I’m not a very popular person generally it has to be said. For her part Karen is all “SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO CHOREOGRAPHED THAT ROUTINE WHO WEREN’T ME, DON’T LOOK AT ME!”
The actual physical pain coursing through Karen at this point is beautiful. Scores are in
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Ethan Hunt & Claire Phelps dancing the tango
I’m just glad that bloody wig from last week’s gone. Based on the fact she was already having trouble with her harness it probably would have ended up ripped off her head, taking half her scalp out with it. Tess jokes that Naga is hoping that getting through to next week won’t be Mission Impossible, but I’m distracted by the fact that Darcey and Craig are having a gossip literally the entire time she is talking. I bet they’re talking about Len vs Will. I bet they think it’s HILARIOUS.
Training now and
gosh I’ve never seen anything more casual in my life. Pasha asks Naga how she’s feeling, and Naga says that she’s really pleased that she went out onto the floor and really tried to feel the dance rather than just do the steps, but she’s a bit down about the judges comments. Pasha tells her that they were all constructive, so she should take them and work on it. God when even Pasha’s sounding a bit unsympathetic there’s something wrong isn’t there?
Training now, and Pasha says they’ll be doing their routine to the theme tune to Mission Impossible. Naga bleeps adorably that she’s SEEN ALL THE MISSION IMPOSSIBLES (AN ALL THE DIE HARDS AND ALL THE LANDS BEFORE TIMES!)
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Naga’s affect genuinely does read “woman who believes she could be a spy, who really could not be a spy” quite heavily to me, so this makes sense. I bet she’s got a fake name prepared for emergencies just in case. From here the VT moves very quickly to the
“Naga hears the Mission Impossible music everywhere she goes” place and I have officially recapped this VT and variations on it FIFTY TIMES NOW AT LEAST, up to and including Artem hiding an actual mariachi band in the boot of Fern Britton’s Nissan Micra, I ain’t doing it again.
TO THE BANK VAULT!
Looks a bit like someone and their skydiving instructor got stuck in a tree doesn’t it? They are lowered slowly to the floor, at which point OF COURSE Naga can’t get herself out of the harness. The show tries to hide this by showing a close-up of the diamond she and Pasha are there to steal, but after a while they realise they can offer
a much more distracting view. Once she’s out…I’m sorry, but nothing this week was as funny as
Naga Munchetty waving a torch around like she has never held one before in her entire life. All topped off with her hurling it at the audience and it nearly rolling into someone in the front row. SUPERSPY! She’s also the first spy I’ve ever seen with
see-through panelling and seatbelts hanging off her arse. What is she, undercover at an International Couture Drag Queen Convention? Anywho her tango? Not very good. She’s very spindly and fidgety and the all-black ensemble combined with the extra legs hanging off her backside make her look like a spider rather manically being flushed down the plughole. Nothing feels finished or polished or really considered – it feels like a Danny Mac routine being done by someone who can’t dance. Also neither of them ever go anywhere near the diamond, what a waste of a prop.
It gets a Standing Ovation (?) and then they head towards Tess, who comiserates with Naga over the harness. Why is nobody mentioning her swinging that torch around like a maiden aunt struggling with the speed settings on her first dildo? Bruno starts for the judges, looking particularly grinchy-pinchy, telling Naga that she certainly looked the part, but she kept on losing focus and he doesn’t know why, because she’s got potential. The part where she started the whole thing off probably thinking she was going to spend the entire routine trapped inside a harness might have…put her off a tad maybe Bruno? Craig follows, calling her out for sloppy footwork and hastiness and saying she didn’t close when she was supposed to. Just like the Eurozone near me. Terribly inconvenient on a night out that. He does say that he “loved the drama” which we all know is code for “well done on wearing costumes”.
Darcey’s next and says that she thinks the problem is that Naga isn’t spotting properly when she turns her head. It’s almost as though she didn’t go to stage school isn’t it, the horrors. Len closes us out by saying that that was Naga’s best dance yet, but she wasn’t crisp or sharp enough. Moves that were supposed to stop dead had a bit of a wobble. He thinks that she’s nervous (REALLY?) but she shouldn’t be, because she’s better than she thinks she is. Jesus, how bad does she think she is?
Up to Claud 9 they go, where the whole interview is
marred somewhat by AJ messing around with a hat that’s several sizes too big for him in the background the whole time. Ah yes, men that age often overestimating the size of their heads when picking out a cap aren’t they? Naga protests to Claudia that she’s nervous, but that’s perfectly natural isn’t it? ISN’T IT? SHE’S LEARNING TO COPE WITH HER NERVES OK! Faced with a slightly defensive Naga, Pasha grins that dealing with her nerves is actually a MISSION POSSIBLE! Oh Pasha you goon never change. Scores are in
25
Fred & Wilma Flintstone dancing the Charleston
I swear they have just taken that wig directly off Anton’s head. If you don’t see him and Judge Rinder in the same shot for the rest of the night, now you know why.
VT now, and Judge Rinder and Oksana actually get to be outside in the sunshine for their little TOWIE segment, which feels unfair when we just watched Naga and Pasha awkwardly perched on one balance board on top of the other. Judge Rinder tells Oksana that last week was the first dance he really felt comfortable with and able to settle into. It was your second one! Don’t look for patterns here. We’re then reminded that Craig didn’t like Judge Rinder’s facial expressions last week, so Rinder cackles that at the end of the series he’s going to take Craig “to a happy farm”. Is he implying he’s going to have Craig sectioned? Because I’d watch that Comedy VT. Oksana then says that this week she is sure they will PULL OFF MORE FACES THAN THEY EVER HAVE and the laugh afterwards is
so forced I love it. And why are they in a cornfield? Everything about these two is so surreal.
In training, Judge Rinder has a plan to help him get into the character of Fred Flintstone
Remember when they used to get an acting coach in for stuff like this? Remember how it didn’t really work much better? Anyway, Judge Rinder has a chat with a painting of Fred Flintstone which he is imagining is talking to him in the voice of your dad doing a Joey Tribbiani impersonation underwater, telling him things like “do me justice” (…) and “YABBA DABBA DOOO!”. And Craig’s going to be the one put in a “happy farm”? OK then.
TO BEDROCK!
He’s dancing to the Flintstones theme tune, which makes this the second week in a row that Judge Rinder has danced to a song with “gay” in the lyrics. Never let it be said the Blindfolded Dart Throwing Song Choice Monkies were progressive. Congratulations to Oksana on doing what Aliona never managed to do by the way – talking the show out of dying her hair red. The YABBA DABBA DOOO blares, and then
the first lift goes tits up, which puts Judge Rinder off the count for a lot of the first part of the dance, with him constantly looking at Oksana to try to correct it. He’s VERY stompy and heavy footed as well – I think we’re learning slowly that nothing about Judge Rinder or his dancing is light or effortless. As if the lift didn’t go badly enough for Oksana, there’s also a bit where they’re both supposed to work their stone age clubs like they’re canes, but hers fell out the Flintstonemobile really early on, so it’s too far away for her to reach in time so she just…wafts the air randomly. It’s still not as distracting as Judge Rinder’s Hallowe’en Fred Flintstone costume, which is fine apart from the fact that it’s about 6 inches too short and I don’t think Fred Flintstone wore black compression pants. Oh and they do the coffee-grinder as badly as I’ve seen it done on this show ever. Still there ARE arse bongos, which are always fun, and end up with this
Probably the most bizarre pose I’ve ever seen on this show, and I sat through Snowdance.
Bit of a state all told though.
It gets a Standing Ovation, and once they’re over at Tess, Judge Rinder admits he missed a few steps. Yes, just a few love. Craig starts and says that Judge Rinder’s awful terrible vomitous facial expressions actually came in handy this week, because it was a Charleston (BAN CHARLESTON). He saw that Judge Rinder went off time, had a tight swivel and messed a few lifts up, but he liked the energy and the handspring at the end. I might have too if he hadn’t taken a bloody great run up for it and barely landed it. Darcey’s next and says that Judge Rinder’s very cute as a caveman and he blushes and tells her to stop flirting. Oh Judge Rinder, you’d know if Darcey was flirting. Steve Backshall’s arms have still got the indentations in them.
Len’s next, and he says that he’s going to give that Movie Week dance a “U certificate” because YOU(/U) entertained us and YOU(/U) made us smile but YOU(/U) also made some mistakes. I honestly think that is the worst Len comment ever apart from all the ones about how he thought he saw the lady celeb’s tits/fanny. It’s a pun on “U Certificate” and the word “you”. I am ashamed on behalf of punners everywhere. Is this a dirty protest because he didn’t get to do any “Odoom” jokes? Bruno closes by saying that it was like watching “Judge Neanderthal Goes Mental”. Ah, my favourite Jimmy Stewart classic.
To Claud 9 they club and
I just realised they’ve made Judge Rinder’s Flintstone tie out of Will’s Bollywood Training Top. Reuse and recycle I guess. Claudia asks him how he feels about Darcey’s advances and he makes caveman sex noises at her down the camera. I aint screencapping that I’ll tell you that for free. Scores are in
27
Take Our Poll
Don Lockwood & Kathy Selden dancing the American Smooth
Tess introduces them (all with Craig and Darcey still gabbing away, GAWD LenSalsaBollywoodShutUp48BarsOfSalsaGate wasn’t that exciting guys calm down) by telling us that Ore is doing this routine as a tribute to Gene Kelly, who was a professional dancer with a lifetime’s worth of experience of ballroom dancing. SO NO PRESSURE THEN. Whatever Tess, Anastacia had to live up to the legendary performance of ACTING TITAN Kristen Stewart, some fairness please.
VT time, and Ore tells Joanne that it was great to get to open the show, it was an honour and a real pleasure not really it was great gun. Joanne says that she’s very proud of Ore, and he chirups “thanks coach!” If she doesn’t have a headband with that on for next week’s VT/an It Takes Two segment I will be very surprised.
Training now, and Ore tells us he’s dancing to Singing In The Rain this week, and to get into character he really needs to rehearse IN THE RAIN. But the weather’s been so nice recently, what can he do?!?!? Fortunately Joanne has a great idea.
We don’t get to see it though, in favour of Ore and Joanne tarting around in galoshes in a mini fountain. Ore says that all this splashing around is invoking in him a spirit of “wanton abandon”. I repeat
Wanton. Abandon. I appreciate that BBC Sport under the reign of Gabby Logan might not be the most liberated and reckless of environments but…
TO THE ALLEY!
Jeez, somebody’s been in a few touring production and now thinks she’s Meryl Streep, wind it in a bit Joanne. Whilst she’s adding to her highlight reel, Ore just saunters on
looking very handsome indeed. This may have been lost in the past few weeks of bicycle crashes and naff brace twanging and pole dancing and I’M SCARED OF BIRDS and I CAN’T STOP DANCING and YOU LOOK LIKE MY WIFE LET’S PARTY! but Ore is a handsome man in repose. Like, movie star handsome, let’s focus on that and less on propography and…speaking in general yes? Although speaking of props, it’s indicative that this supposedly counts as a “calmed down” Joanne Clifton routine when there’s constant umbrella tosses, change-overs and, I’ll be honest
I’m not sure what Ore’s doing with it here, but what Gene Kelly got up to on set in his tea breaks was his own business. One week Jo. One week they will lose the keys to the props cupboard and you will be SOL. The bits out of hold and the lifts and all the little pauses here are really very lovely – light, characterful, with lots of
affecting little moments and pauses. In terms of mise en scene and choreograhping and dancing to the music it’s as good as anything we’ve seen this series. The stuff that’s supposed to be foxtrot on the other hand looks awful. His hold’s sliding about like Dom Littlewood trying to find a hole to peep through in the walls of the ladies changing rooms, his bum’s sticking out half a mile, and I don’t think his heels hit the floor once. Overall though, this is a Strictly American Smooth, so by ratio of NotFoxtrot : Foxtrot across the dance as a whole it’s 80% good, 20% bad. Which to be honest is 80% more than his other routines have done for me.
When are we getting a foxtrot by the way? Soon? I need to plump my pillow in preparation.
It gets a Standing Ovation and in the audience Tom Chambers
seethes that they never had Movie Week or fun props and in his series, and when he got American Smooth they made him dance it to sodding Frank Sinatra. That’s not what TOM CHAMBERS was about man. TOM CHAMBERS was about ELEGANCE, WHITE TIE and TAILS. Not some mavia spiv, who couldn’t dance, with a one octave range. Bloody amateurs, he could leave Ore Adobe standing, man. Standing IN TOM CHAMBERS’ DUST.
(Did he mention that he got married?)
Once he’s over at Tess, she’s all “AWWWWWWWW YOU CWYIN?”, because his eyes have gone a little bloodshot, but Ore claims just to have glitter in his eyes. Aiming for masculine resolve there, and not quite landing on it, because of the fact that it’s glitter. It’s like having a stiff upper lip because you injected it with ketamine. Speaking of which
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