Slutty Pizza <3
Last Week : Kirsty soared (for once), Helen and Kellie topped the table, Anita peaked above 30 for the first time, Georgia got to do The Dirty Dancing Lift, Katie got pished in a salsa club, Jamelia got engaged to a hunky Irishman, and even Carol got a free trip to Legoland, whilst yet another man went home, leaving this as the worst series ever for male contestants at this stage. As such the remaining male contingent got together to plot DIRE AND BLOODY REVENGE over a BUBBLING CAULDRON OF DOOM
you know, if that’s ok with you, it’s alright if it’s not, it’s just a suggestion, we’re really happy to just go out if that suits you ladies, it’s been an honour to be here and be judged by masters of their craft even if it has sometimes gone wrong, we’re just here to show our kids to stick with things, *sniffle*
Their wicked plan?
Turn into ghosts and electrocute Jamelia. I mean really, who amongst hasn’t thought that might be the answer to all our troubles at one time or another? They also pranked all of the other female contestants as ghostly sprites, except Helen
for whom things remained business as usual, mentally speaking.
LIVE!
Fun Fact – Peter Andre is the first Strictly celebrity to ever get a proctology exam mid credits shoot (thanks Janette!). It’s an important issue guys, make sure you get checked out too! Don’t leave your kids without a father! PETER ANDRE – HERE TO HELP!
We join the actual show
mid-wedding. The happy couple being Brenda & Natalie this time. I know we’re at peak FAMILY SHOW this year, but how many fake weddings does one series need? First Joanne and Tristan, then Jamelia and Tristan, and now this?
AND NOW THIS? They might as well start filming in a registry office. Anyway, theoretically I should be more into this than I am, because it’s Natalie in full Goth Bitch get-up doing the jive but it’s just not clicking for me. I do admittedly hate “Hell Raiser”, which is what it’s being danced to, so there’s that, but it’s lacking the loony theatricality of the best opening Hallowe’en dances of seasons past. No sexy mummy, no Iveta done up with her hair like a penis, no Nancy Dell’Olio as Morticia, and definitely no Anton flying in as Vampire Terry Wogan and doing multiple aerial somersaults as Alison Hammond pulls scared face. All the celebs just
emerge from a coffin, wave their arms around a bit (Jeremy at least makes a bit of an attempt to goose the camera, attaboy), and that’s it. WHERE’S THE AMBITION?
Then everyone falls over the end.
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Then lo, from a puff of smoke do appear
a witch and her familiar. Of course Tess flings off the hat and broom as soon as possible, just in case people think she’s any fun at all.
There. Bit of eye make-up, about the limit. She thanks the pros for that opening routine, and Claudia reminds us that Ainsley flew the coop last week, and that someone else will be leaving tonight. Hopefully a woman. I know X Factor is down to only extended members of Rita Ora’s family watching, but we still need to keep hold of that valuable ovary voting demographic if we want to win the ratings war. Then the judges traipse on dressed as
Morticia
Gomez
Slutty Shirt-Lifting Puggsly (not homophobia, that is literally what Bruno is doing, GET THE TRANQS AGAIN)
and Craig Revel Horwood doing the Walk Of Shame. STARE ALL YOU WANT DAHLINGS, HE STILL GOT LAID *finger snap*.
Our “Strictly Stars” (which sounds more and more like a tie-in chocolate treat given away for £5 a bag at the live tour every week) descend the stairs, but we’ll get to their various costuming and make-up mishaps later.
Victoria Pendleton & The Phantom Of The Opera dancing the paso doble
Like now. Can we just contrast with when Artem did exactly the same dance to exactly the same song with exactly the same theme?
I’m not saying they have to sexify Anton (trust me…) but maybe the silly putty facial deformation could have been pared back? Tess tells us that Katie is really excited about the dance this week, because she’ll be dancing to “The Phantom Of The Opera” – her favourite song from her favourite show. You can go off a person…
To open her VT, Katie tells us that as far as she was concerned, last weekend everything went more or less according to plan, so she was surprised when the judges were so harsh.
Who drew this particular plan up, I want names and a map, I haven’t been so sexually disturbed since those shagging snowmen from the Xmas Show that one year, I want to sign them up to write the new 50 Shades trilogy. Katie says she’s very grateful to still be here and dancing this week. Dancing, or whatever it is Anton’s got planned.
Training, and Anton has invited Katie to “Chateau du Beke” (Fun Fact : that’s the Belgian branding for “Little Chef”) with a trick up his sleeve to help Katie improve her dancing.
IT’S AN AA MEETING! Oh ok, not really, for this Comedy VT’s purposes, Anton’s mansion is haunted by the ghosts of all of his worst previous partners (except Jerry Hall) (and Kate Garraway) (and Esther Rantzen) (and…well you get the point) :
Widdy
Judy
and best of all Nancy (they trust her with one line of her own, which she messes up) (Nancy <3). As you can see, Anton’s dance tuition has left an impact on all of their lives. Just look at Widdy’s amazing posture! Unusually for a Comedy VT this is actually a cute idea. Usually for a Comedy VT, it’s biffed because the script makes no sense. The ghosts tell Katie that she must get through Hallowe’en Week to redeem their memories and also Anton loves Victoria Sponge. This leaves Katie with
a phobia of Victoria Sponge. The first “WHAT?!” of many this week, I feel.
TO THE CRYPT!
Pssst. He’s behind you! The organ plays, Katie and Anton disembark, she does some flamenco arms then
misses the first grab completely and carries on in a slightly awkward vein from there. She’s very stiff and her hands frankly look more broken at the wrist than even paso doble asks for, although she does give
good cape-waft and in terms of middle-aged women set up by this show to look daft by being asked to play schoolgirl ingenues (Anita as Tracey Turnblad is still gouged into my memory with a outsized high-heel) she acquits herself fairly well on the performance side. The routine’s quite basic, and I think Anton is relying on the theme more than anything else to make it memorable, but she keeps the whole thing together, just about. It’s just not very exciting for a Hallowe’en Show Opener. Compared to her impeccably melodramatic tango, I was expecting more.
THE CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT, THEY DO SUCH MEDIOCRE PASOS!
It gets most of a standing ovation, before Tess introduces our “devilishly……….good singers” and
Davearch, hamming it up for Hallowe’en as ever. It’s more Benny Hill than Dr Evil but I guess, unlike the pro dancers these days, the orchestra are hired for their technical ability not for what raving hams they are. Speaking of which, Len starts for the judges, telling Katie that the paso doble JUSS DON’T SOOOOT HUH, because she is an English Rose, and the paso doble is more of a cactus. Can we not with TOO NICE TO PASO any more, I’m bored. It was danced perfectly well by notorious raging megabitches like Kara Tointon, Frankie Bridge, and Mark Ramprakash, this is a dance competition not a Scientology audit. Bruno follows, saying he agrees with Len – Katie wasn’t enough of a grand primadonna.
We’ll see.
Craig follows, saying that it was stiff and awkward, that she clearly had balance issues throughout and her feet came off the floor at least twice in a spin, making it an illegal lift. Darcey closes with that perennial “there there” comment to female celebrities “you look pretty”. Meanwhile
actual worms appear to crawling out of Anton’s face. Some people get better costume draws for Spooky Dress Up Week than others I guess.
Up to Claud 9 they go, with Tess barking “WE ALL LOVED IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” like she’s street-pimping for a particularly grim restaurant on Skiathos, where Claudia asks Katie if she’s surprised by the judges being so harsh given that the crowd loved it. Given that exactly the same thing happened last week, you’d think not, but Anton breaks in to field that one by saying that really the studio audience are the true judges, and everyone else might have their opinion, but he’s here to play to the masses. D’you know Anton, I had noticed. Anyway Katie says it could have gone better, but she is still sad that the judges are clearly about to
do this to her. 21. As soon as the scores land Anton is blathering on about how they’ve got quickstep next week won’t that be MARVELOUS? At this point plasticine is dropping off Anton’s face like dog turds.
Lucy van Helsing and Dracula dancing the Charleston
I see Brenda’s been at the Jammie Dodgers. Tess makes a joke about how suddenly this week from being “very supportive” (lol) Brenda has suddendly become a right PAIN IN THE NECK!
Yeah, I think was the wrong time to make the move Brenda, but at least you tried.
In her VT, Kirsty says that last week with her Viennese Waltz was really incredible, and she was really pleased with the judges comments. Something along the lines of “right, there’s your one good, nice, boring ballroom dance, now go and tell whoever owns the church hall you’re renting that it’ll start being free in a week’s time” weren’t they?
Training, and Kirsty’s theme for this week of comedy nonsense is that she’s now a vampire who wants to train only at night and also wearing a cape and also she sleeps in a crypt now.
It’s honestly so half-arsed that at one point, when she gives an evil smirk to camera over her shoulder
the cameraman can’t be bothered to focus in. Great work guys. In the end, Brenda drags her out into the light, at which point, true to the vampire mythos we’re all familiar with, she
transforms into an evil old bat awkwardly flapping around in mid-air squeaking about how she hates this and can’t do it. Which must be giving Brenda flashbacks to Hallowe’ens past.
TO THE CRYPT AGAIN!
This year it’s Brenda who gets to be strapped into a harness for the routine, as he launches first one way over the platform at the top of the dancefloor, and then the other, his little legs flailing like Count von Count as he mugs away with his falsies in, because heaven forbid Kirsty ever take less than 30 seconds to start dancing. They’re doing their Hallowe’en Charleston to a really ticky-tacky Postmodern Jukebox arrangement of “Bad Romance” that doesn’t work, and the routine itself has some of the worst Charleston choreography I’ve ever seen on the show, which Kirsty promptly sinks to the level of. It’s mostly running on the spot and flailing around with Olive Oyl legs, with her waving her arms like she’s carrying particularly heavy shopping the whole time, interrupted by a periodic duff cartwheel. About the only good things about it are the lifts, including the ol’
“Head Up The Bum” but even then she misses one where she has to leap on Brenda’s back and promptly improvises her way out of it
by doing this. SMOOTH. If you’d told me at the start of the series that Kirsty would be this bad at being goofy and carefree…I wouldn’t have been surprised at all, but it’s always nice to get empirical proof at least.
THIS BITES!
They get over to Tess, who asks if they’re ok, and to which Brenda replies with a nervous chuckle. Bruno starts by honking “YOU MADE MINCEMEAT OUT OF THAT! WHAT A MESS!”. She really did, although not even Sophie Ellis Bextor could have made anything out of that pudding. Bruno tells her that there was the obvious major mistake that spoiled the whole thing, but other than that she was flat-footed and her timing was all wrong. Kirsty grumbles that she slipped and these things happen and she did the best she could to rescue it, then Brenda pipes up that he objects to Bruno’s slurs because in the circumstances of such a major mistake most people would just run off stage and not come back. I don’t remember that happening ever to be honest Brend. In fact the only time I ever remember someone actually storming off stage and refusing to come back is…you, when Craig called Jo Wood a kangaroo. Craig hmself follows by saying that he thought Kirsty recovered well from the mistake and showed good timing at the start of the routine, but otherwise it was flat-footed and a mess. He asks Brenda specifically what went wrong with the lift, and he says that he had the wrong grip so he couldn’t get it up. Yes, I hear that’s a problem for some guys. (*hair toss*)
Darcey follows, saying that she could have done with more dance content, but she did like the cartwheel at the end. Len finishes by saying that it’s not important whether you make mistakes (HEAD JUDGE LEN!) but how you cope when you do that’s important. And Len thinks Kirsty coped well after making her mistake, and says that her progress in the competition is like Snakes & Ladders & Dog Tails & U2 Songs. This week was just a snake. To this Brenda basically replies “WELL EVERYONE ELSE IS CRAP AS WELL THIS WEEK, JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE, HA HA JUST KIDDING (NOT REALLY)”. Tess’
“NO NO DOES NOT COMPUTE EVERYONE IS AMAZING ONE BIG FAMILY SO SUPPORTIVE THIS YEAR ERROR ERROR!” face is quite something.
Up to Claud 9 they go, where this is as good a time as any to mention that there’s a Hallowe’en stair botherer
and I can’t quite tell if he’s hot or not. Certainly not a patch on the Fit Mummy of yesteryear anyway. God I miss him. However hot he is Brenda is far more interested in playing with him than comforting Kirsty at any rate. Once up there Kirsty runs through a “WHAT A SHAME!”, a “SO EXHASPERATING!” and a “IT WENT PERFECTLY IN REHEARSAL!” before Claudia even draws breath. Claudia herself chooses Len’s comment about her recovering to focus on, which Kirsty says she apppreciates, before INTENSELY
eye-balling Brenda and telling him that she really tried, in a way that suggests that she thinks he doesn’t believe it, which makes me sad, because if there’s one thing you can tell about Kirsty it’s that she is really trying. Brendan then admits that even he made a mistake at the start (did he get a bollock trapped in the harness?) and Kirsty goes on to talk about how hard Charleston is, and Claudia deftly averts her running on and looking ever more brittle by asking Brenda how well he thinks hair and make-up have done tonight.
Ah the Brenda Hallowe’en Speech. Remember that one year it didn’t happen. I was bereft. Scores are in
17. Kirsty says “OH MY GOD!” and “THAT’S AWFUL!” and other variants the whole way through the paddles. Keep this in mind.
The Thriller Zombies dancing the salsa
Andre must be spitting. HALLOWE’EN! MICHAEL JACKSON! THE THRILLER DANCE! HIS KIDS WOULD HAVE LOVED IT! To introduce them Bruno is forced to engage in a lame comedy skit with Tess about how he called Jeremy a zombie last week and now it’s come true!
Alright Evil Moira, you’ve punished him enough for the BOLLOCKS thing now, let him be.
In his VT Jeremy says that he thoroughly enjoyed his waltz, and he’s just sorry that not all the judges did, but what he will not apologise for is for smiling.
Oh is that what it was? Backstage we’re shown Jeremy saying that he hopes that there’s some sort of lightning strike and he’ll break through. Maybe if it caused a power cut so the judges couldn’t see the dances…
Training now (soundtracked by A Forest by The Cure, as Jeremy’s brand of dad-indie-disco seeps ever deeper into the show’s core) and the joke is that Jeremy is slowly devolving into a zombie with each progressive day of training
and then Karen gives him some tea so he isn’t any more and then oops he actually is again
I really don’t know what you want me to do with these VTs guys, it’s a mystery.
TO THE JUDGES DESK!
Where Karen and Jeremy are gearing up to do the Thriller d…I mean salsa. Definitely a salsa. Already I love that Jeremy is more of an avant-garde kids party act than a scary zombie. What follows? An absolute mess and I live for it. His salsa is so mincy it make Louie Spence look like Robert De Niro, his Thriller arms
look more like Tommy Cooper, instead of shimmies he just
kneels on the floor and barks like a dog, at one point the choreography is basically just him
rubbing his bippies, his stance is so rigid every time he stands still he looks like a Jeremy Vine action figure,
and his pelvic thrusts
are actually marginally less bandy-legged than Karen’s, well done. It’s a full-bodied, half-witted, 5/13s danced campfest tribute dance mess that looks like something the Georgraphy Department knocked up for an end of year school concert and I love it. What Hallowe’en Week does best is give this sort of grand-scale silliness the backing that it deserves and pushes it over the edge into art. The BEST part though is that the last 30 seconds of the routine, which are also the 30 seconds that looks most like a salsa, are being done to the Vincent Price part of the song. That’s right, this show just featured 30 seconds of salsa dancing to horror movie spoken word featuring a “serious journalist” dressed as one of the Thriller Zombies. We’ve come a long way since Natasha Kaplinsky baby. A long long way.
For better or worse.
It gets a belting response in the hall, and once they’re over to Tess, she reminds Jeremy that Craig has never given him higher than a 3 *hint hint*. Indeed Craig starts by saying that the whole routine was stilted and had no flow, but Jeremy was a zombie, so Craig will forgive him. Darcey follows, saying that Jeremy’s characterisation was spectacular and he was actually quite nimble. His hips didn’t work but eh.
Len’s next and says that Hallowe’en is all about the supernatural, and that was neither super nor natural, but Jeremy does have an “awkward charm” about him that makes him easy to watch. Tess is all “WELL I’M HALFWAY THERE THEN!”. Bruno closes by saying it was all monstrous fun from the master of dance horror, although the salsa itself is dead and buried. Under a haunted rollerdisco based on last week.
Up to Claud 9 they lurch, where Claudia sadly informs Jeremy that Radio 2 has just imploded. Can you imagine the noise that would make? I’m guessing a “puh…” like a hoover bag opening or just silence. Jeremy jokes that he’s happy to do such an iconic routine from a video from 1982, as it was in that year he turned 17, and it was also the year that Karen was born, so it was special for both of them. Also 13 years before the
Mysterious Girl video shoot, another iconic classic, I’m sure you’ll agree. Scores are in
22. So that’s that storyline over. Blackpool next?
Maleficent & King Stefan dancing the waltz
Gleb and Anita’s pre-dance gaywaddery is an endless source of entertainment for me, especially as I can guarantee it is all his idea. Tess gushes that Anita is one of those contestants that just gets better and better no matter what gets thrown at her. Might want to tell the judges that Tess.
In her VT, Anita grins that last week her tango got her her best scores yet and she was amazed!
Anita’s VT acting continues to amaze me. This would be a perfect before shot for an advert for Windeeze, somebody book her.
In training, Gleb tells Anita that this week they’ve got a waltz and his ever-expanding parade of boyband styles shown on this show now includes
a top-knot. How N’Sync 1999. Anita asks him how they’re going to make the waltz “Hallowe’eny”, given that it’s such a placid and romantic dance. Gleb replies that he’s going to be shirtless, with nipple shields on in the shape of pumpkins with SPOOKY FACES carved into them, and also he’s going to have on a g-string with a scary snake on he crotch, and they will be dancing to Hallowe’en Classic “Pony” by Ginuwine, because of nightMAREs do you see? Also she’s going to be flying. Anita explains that in reality she’s going to be flying onto the dancefloor as Maleficent before her wings disappear and she dances the waltz. Yeah, notice that they don’t ever have Gleb explain anything more complicated than “BOOM! GLEB SPECIAL!”? His popart transcends words, clearly. Anyway, Anita flies in rehearsals whilst Gleb
pulls adorable “RATHER YOU THAN ME!!!” face.
TO THE CURSED CASTLE!
I’m not saying this is the greatest image in Hallowe’en Night history, but it’s up there. Anita is lowered to the floor, a little awkwardly, a bit like the angel from that episode of The Simpsons clunking its way up to the top of the new mall when the hoax is revealed, and then…well we don’t begin to waltz because Gleb has to
eye-screw the camera some as the ruthless king in haunted guyliner (and so Anita can be prised from her harness I guess). Then Anita
possesses him,
blows in his face (the audience goes “WOOOOOOOOOO!” at this like a bunch of 5 year olds, bless ’em), and then uses him to yes, dance the waltz. To the Lana Del Ray version of “Once Upon A Dream”, which is very much like someone singing the original but down a k-hole. It’s so slurry I start to wonder if Katie Derham isn’t pulling double duty in the orchestra pit. So yes, let’s establish the bad things first – the horns get in the way a bit, she’s still generally a bit amateurish looking and yes
when she does this she looks like she’s goosestepping. BUT! BUT! She mostly dances it well, and definitely performs the role of icy scorned devil-fairy well, and the whole thing is so gleefully spooky and eerie and cartoonish that it works as a Hallowe’en spectacle in the same way that Jeremy did. It’s such a great big perfume advert of a dance
and I know opinions on how charming Gleb’s “ME ME ME!”ness is are divided
the part where Anita works his body like a puppet from a distance is a thrilling gimmick well-deployed.
Tim Burton take note, this is more authentically day-glo modern gothic than anything you’ve put out since 1996 or so.
It too gets a rapturous response from the audience, and Darcey starts, saying that that was certainly the most dramatic waltz she’s ever seen, and she loves how Anita never fails to give her all to every performance. She does think that this week though, that commitment made the performance a little too strong in the body, so it came across as being spiky and hard. Len follows, grunting all vexed about how he didn’t really understand the story and stuff and it was all a bit confusing, probably because it was all based on some film he’s not even seen and that. Len, she FLEW IN ON GIANT BLACK WINGS, CAST A SPELL ON HIM, THEN KILLED HIM. THE STORY WAS THAT SHE WAS EVIL. At least we now have the answer regarding who they’ve dumbed down the VTs for… But on the other hand, Len thought her footwork and head placement was great, well done.
Bruno’s next, and he says that he enjoyed it, but Anita seemed to have trouble negotiating Gleb in the underarm turns.
Yes I wonder why.
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Craig closes by saying that the dance lacked grace and flow and it needed to be far more lyrical to work for him, but he disagrees with Len – he thinks the storytelling was the best bit. Obviously he’s seen the film. I bet he was there at the premiere bobbing desperately and insisting to all his mates that Angelina DEFINITELY waved at him. She’ll DEFINITELY do Strictly next year, DEFINITELY. JOLIE-PITTS VS CLIFTONS, IT’S ON!
Up to Claud 9 they glower, with Gleb making sure to let the stair-botherer know who’s boss by getting all up in his face before the guy’s even so much as half-tried to spook him, which Anita finds hilarious. Seriously, these two would have been such a great villain couple in a fairer series. Once up there, Claudia expresses disbelief that the judges didn’t love it all deeply, and Anita says it’s fine, because she’s still learning, and she had to do the whole thing with 50kgs of dead weight holding her back.
Claudia’s all “you’ve met Tess right?”. Scores are in
29. Claudia says that what she likes about Anita is that she’s always positive about her scores, and doesn’t just stand there constantly going “WHAT?” and “OH MY GOD!”. I know right Claudia who would do that?
Two Transylvanians dancing the jive
I can just about buy that she is Magenta but no way is he Riff Raff. Also the storyline of the dance has them as Brad & Janet. So confusing. God knows what Len thinks is going on.
VT time and Jamelia says that she was expecting to be in the dance-off last week, but it was still upsetting knowing that people didn’t vote for her. Yeah, I’ve got a feeling whatever happy Strictly Memories Jamelia’s been generating so far, she won’t be adding to them from this point onwards, as much as the show might
run pictures of her cuddling Tristan in a big pink love heart whilst “A Thousand Years” plays on tinkly piano in the background good grief there goes my breakfast.
In training, Tristan tells Jamelia that he’s got a surprise for her.
Is it that there’s a button shortage going on? It’s OCTOBER man, cover it up. Once they get inside, Tristan tells Jamelia that in fact his surprise is that she and he are going to be making 50s B Movie spoof videos.
Time well spent. Jamelia says that she’s going to take the character she’s learnt from filming these spoofs and apply it to her jve on Saturday. Oh Jamelia, it’s Hallowe’en Week. You don’t have to pretend this rubbish is useful this week, think of it as annual leave from even pretend logic.
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TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE!
So I’m going to spend a lot of this complaining, because Michelle Williams’ Hallowe’en Time Warp is one of my favourite moments ever on this show, and this is an egregious treading all over it. For those who don’t remember, Michelle Williams was in Series 8 and was in the bottom 2 more or less every week, and was a trainwreck, and had a serious ankle injury, and then drew the jive, and it seemed like it was going to be an utter disaster and that she would finally go home and then TIME WARP happened and it was one of most joyous 90 seconds of the show ever and she NAILED IT (in the sense that it was ok and she seemed like she was having fun and it was the TIME WARP) and instead Tiny Tina doing a pleather Argentine Tango went home and Michelle wasn’t even Bottom 2. So to see these 2 basically try exactly the same storyline with Jamelia, except instead of a fun romp it’s just her stomping around like a Clydesdale from goofy prop to goofy prop as they wobble their boogly eyes or spray smoke or
fire a skeleton at her out of a cupboard…it’s just annoying. Also, Tristan has completely ignored the “put your hands on your hips” part of the lyric to the song and has instead elected
to do this. Unless Jamelia has in fact poked him in the eye, this is unforgivable.
NOT MY TIME WARP.
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She totters over to the judges, where Len starts by crowing that that routine was a BIT ROCKY but NOT A HORROR. He thinks the problem with it mostly was that it was underrehearsed. Good job she spent every free moment training and not pretending to be chased by giant ants then isn’t it? Bruno follows up by yelling Rocky Horror quotes and telling her to sort her footwork out. Craig is next, calling her flat-footed and also sickle-footed which seems impossible to me, but I’m no podiatrist so what do I know? He does think she had fantastic energy though. With her mangled hideous feet. Finally Tess asks Darcey if that jive will be enough to save Jamelia from the dance-off. Darcey says she believes so, yes. Ouch. I don’t remember a judge ever getting that wrong before. Darcey just gives Jamelia more advice about finshing off her footwork. I’m sure if you were a Jamelia foot-fetishist, this segment was a veritable feast. For me? Not so much.
Up to Claud 9 they hop, with the stair-botherer giving her a good going over, where Claudia gets Jamelia to say what a support Tristan has been, comparing him to “her cheerleader”. And if he wants to prove that by getting his pom-poms out, then who am I to stop him? Jamelia says she enjoyed tonight a lot but she’s not convinced she’s going to get great scores.
She’s right. Ish. 26.
Next up
Tess : “CLAUDIA, I LOVE YOUR ALICE COOPER MASK!”
Claudia : “What Alice Cooper mask?”
Snigger. Did you know that Claudia has her own make-up range coming out with Marks & Spencers, including eye-liners called things like “The Joystick” and “Pile It On”? Just in case you were looking for Christmas presents for the transvestite hooker in your life, it never hurts to start shopping early.
The Big Bad Wolf And Little Red Riding Hood dancing the American Smooth
This show…surpasses itself every time with its werewolf get-ups doesn’t it? Each of them slightly more baffling than the last.
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Tess introduces the dance by saying that after this dance, we may well be saying “MY JAY, WHAT BIG SCORES YOU’VE GOT!”. Is this about Bruno again? Oh hang on, I should have done this poll last week :
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VT time, and oddly enough Bruno screaming profanities doesn’t get mentioned. Instead we focus on how Jay thought he was being strong in his paso doble, but you can never be sure until you get feedback from the judges how it appeared to others. God, he’s listening to the judges? Don’t mention that to Aliona, she’ll have his ears plugged up with custard quicker than you can say HOOOOOOOOOO, NEW YORRRRRRRRK.
Training and
I think I wrote that book didn’t I, where’s my credit? Also, this isn’t really helping me not view Jay as incredibly infantilised by the women in his life. I’m surprised he’s not sat on her knee sucking his thumb. Aliona tells Jay the story of a knight, who Jay demands be a COOL KNIGHT
Jay’s “cool knight” looks quite a lot like one of the avatars of one of those guys on twitter whose timelines consist of them yelling about comparative male suicide rates to any female public figure who identifies as feminist. It just needs a little “SAY NO TO EU” ribbon in the bottom right hand corner and we’re set. Anyway Aliona, in true Aliona VT Acting style, doesn’t so much roll her eyes at this as
launch them straight upwards and then drop them on the floor as she tries to catch them again. Then the knight kills a wolf and tells Princess Aliona she’s well fit and they do a dance at the Strictly Ball and stuff the end.
TO GRANDMA’S HOUSE!
Jay and Aliona are doing their American Smooth to some song about Little Red Riding Hood, but which is a bit like someone listened to the True Blood theme tune and thought “hmmm, this doesn’t sound nearly pervy enough, let’s re-record it at half the speed and like it’s been sung down the phone by a heavy breathing inmate in a high-security sex prison”. As usual, it’s a full moon, and Hallowe’en, and so Aliona’s
juices are running high, so let’s just let her get on with whatever she needs to get out of her system. It’s all very sexy and slinky and filthy and erotic and
I’m sure would be even more so if Jay didn’t look like somebody’s resurrected cat from Pet Cemetary. As a result it’s lacking a little in both menace and elegance in equal measure but
he’s giving good line when he’s being asked to, even if the in-hold stuff is a little “walk in a straight line for 10 seconds then stop”. I’m just glad we didn’t get a repeat of Harry’s Hallowe’en Tango which was basically all nibbling one another’s necks and no content. Nice lifts, nice acting, nice dance, nice chap, I’m sure.
It gets a standing ovation, and once over at Tess, Jay makes a very game job of thanking hair and make-up even though the lower half of his face is covered in the grey stuff you pack headphones in. Bruno starts for the judges by saying that this wolf is so well trained (lol ringah) that he could make Best In Show at Crufts.
Do they have a Gremlin category at Crufts? Actually having seen some of the recent winners I wouldn’t be surprised. Bruno would particularly like to praise Jay for his elegant arm lines, as would Craig, although he would have liked more characterisation throughout. He was a pervy wolf Craig, what more could he do? Sit his arse on the floor and scratch his ear with his leg?
Darcey’s next, and says she agrees about the characterisation being lacking again, as she said last week (STORYLINE KLAXON) but she did so admire how Jay did those lifts. Eh, I’m not so sure. I think having velcro on your face is probably cheating. Speaking of which
Aliona and Jay are too busy playing with one another’s fluff to bother listening to Len, who as a result gets all “HOLD MY GAZE!!!” like an end-of-the-pier hypnotist, and tells Jay that his heel-leads and toe-leads got a bit messy on occasion but other than that it was a lovely routine and very well danced.
Up towards Claud 9 they prowl where it appears that the stair-botherer, overcome by Aliona’s usual Hallowe’en sex-fest
has got stuck trying to lick his own genitals. We’ve all been there, right lads? Once up there, Claudia asks Jay how he could possibly have got a bigger performance out of that, and Jay says that he thinks that make-up and hair did such a great job with him he probably did get a bit lazy. Recognising an A+ crawl when he spots one, Peter Andre tries to get a round of applause going for Wardrobe. He doesn’t manage it. What’s the sound of one Peter clapping?
Listen in. Claudia congratulates him on doing his first lifts of the competition, and Jay says bashfully that he’s left Aliona a bit bruised. I bet he has. Scores are in
34
Hermione Granger & Harry Potter dancing the paso doble
Is that S for Slytherin? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE’VE GOT A DOPPELGANGER IN OUR MIDST! To introduce, Tess makes a load of wizard jokes because the routine is going to be Harry Potter based. Sadly nothing about her disappearing though.
VT now and Kellie says that every Saturday is the same – her hoping and praying that this is the routine that goes right.
Don’t all of Kellie’s routines pretty much “go right”? Of all the frontrunners, she seems to be the one where there’s the least jeopardy so far as major disasters go. It’s a big part of why I find it hard to get invested in her performances to be honest. That and the constant Party City theming.
Training now, and the joke is that Kellie has said that she’s so busy on Eastenders this week that she’ll have to rehearse in costume with Kevin, and then Kevin turns up
like this, and Kellie’s all “NO I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO BE IN COSTUME! MY EASTENDERS COSTUME!”. It’s almost worth it for Danny Dyer’s face alone. I’m only sorry he didn’t get to call Kevin a FAHCKIN MEWLT but I guess the show’s used up its one “accidental” swear per series now, thanks Bruno. Kellie and Danny are filming their characters’ wedding which means I can smell “big traumatising storyline that destroys Kellie’s chances of winning” on the horizon. Either that or an Eastenders wedding goes WELL. I know what I’m banking on. Danny gets right up in Kevin’s grill
in a not unhomoerotic fashion, and tells Kevin that he hears that Kevin does a great impression of him. He doesn’t, but he tries anyway. Less exciting is Shane Richie doing a cha cha step right at the camera. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT PRODUCERS, I’M WARNING YOU. (Apparently James Jordan and Danny Dyet got into a twitter fight over this whole segment regarding who has the worst career. It involved Danny calling James “soppy nuts”. Just reporting the facts there)
TO THE WIZARDING SCHOOL FOR WIZARDS!
The pair of them are dancing the paso doble to a medley of the Harry Potter Theme and School’s Out by Claudia Winkleman and I did have faith in Keivn to pull this mess off given the wonders he did with Defying Gravity last year but…nope. It doesn’t work. The Harry Potter stuff is basically some meaningless twinkly arm-wafting at the beginning, then the wands
go off and they start marching round in a fairly bog-stand rocker-doble with Kellie stomping heavily catching flies, looking angry and “casting spells”
in lieu of looking like she’s doing a paso and then
oh God they both get up on the iconic Hogwarts Dining Hall table and start arseing around like a couple of lost holidaymakers on an 18-30(/35/40) school dayz theme night who’ve wandered off pished, found a poor innocent taverna, and overdone the ouzo.
Having praised Katie for just about being able to pull off the ingenue role without it looking too sad…yeah. Misguided.
It gets a big standing ovation in the room though because…I dunno flashy wizzbangs and also Kevin probably. Craig starts for the judges, saying that he was dubious about the concept when he heard about it, but it did actually work. I dunno Craig
those bunches she’s got her hair in probably would have worked with a Magic Roundabout theme with her as Dougal, I’m not sure about “schoolgirl wizard”. He does say that he thinks it was lacking in Spanish Line though. How you’re expected in get Spanish lines in that shapeless get up I’ve no idea, it looks like she’s wearing a binbag. Darcey follows by saying that we certainly always know when Kellie’s here, in a way that sounds like a rather passive aggressive school report, but she thinks she could do with more refinement, especally out of hold.
Len follows, laughing that Kellie took off like a Nimbus 2000 but when she got up on the table it restricted what she could really do with the dance. Gee, do you think? Bruno finishes by spewing a bunch of Harry Potter references incoherently about MEESS GRAYNGUH AND MR PPPPPPPPPPPORTAH COZINAVOC AT HOGWAR! LAHK A COPPPLA BANSHEE, and then says, without a trace of irony, that he agrees with the other judges in that Kellie’s excess of energy meant the finesse of her message was lost. mm hmm.
Up to Claud 9 they go, with Kevin yelling “EXPELLIARMUS!” at the stair-botherer to make him go away, before Kellie giggles to him that he’s not Harry Potter any more, the routine’s over. Sure, he has to give himself time now to get into character for whatever childhood hero dress-up he’s going to do next week. David Beckham? Die Hard 2? One of the Poddington Peas? Once they’re safely with Claudia, she discusses with Kellie how the latter has been getting up at 4:30am every day and rehearsing until late at night. Kellie says she doesn’t mind, but she really misses her kids, then she gets choked up and asks Claudia where the camera is, so she can give a big speech about how much she loves and misses her Freddie. I hope Claudia
wasn’t doing this on purpose, bad Claudia. Anyway Kellie gushes down the camera (because of course she knows where it really is) and seriously love, get some sleep. Scores are in
28
Frankenstein & His Bride dancing the rumba
I wonder how Carol felt about Kellie complaining about having to get up at 4:30am every day. I wonder if Carol feels anything at all any more. Except Bryan Adams related feelings obviously. Tess tells us that Carol has created her own Pasha substitute this week by stitching together various body parts from other dancers. Lucky Carol having this show’s budget behind her, most of us have to make do with sticking a face mask of him on a Henry Hoov[PUNCHLINE REDACTED]
In her VT, Carol says that the clear highlight of her weekend was
Supergluing herself to Bryan Adams. Just a thought, does Misery have any songs in it that would have worked better for a rumba than The Partridge Family? Carol rampaging around the dancefloor sensually wiedling a sledgehammer and calling Pasha a dirty birdie could have been an iconic Strictly moment to last forever. Bryan’s all “yeah, woo, everyone vote for Carolina Kirkward, yeah!”. Once she’s been crowbarred off her Canadian hero, Carol tells us all that really she was very happy to get a score of 21 last week. She knows other people (*cough*KIRSTY*cough*) would be furious, but it’ll do her, although she would have preferred 41. Pasha says, dead-pan, that he doesn’t think they go up to 41. Says a man who got a 42 last year because Donny Osmond loved shirtless spaceman Pasha as much as I did.
Training now, and Pasha says that it’s time for his favourite week on the show! Hallowe’en! I can only presume this is because it’s the week Numbers Bitch got eliminated so they could bin off the training and get to shagging full time, because pretty much every other Pasha’we’en has been a disaster. This early enthusiasm is dented however, when he comes in for training and discovers that Carol has
crafted together a clone out of other pros’ body parts. I can count Tristan’s hair, Aljaz’s butt, Kevin’s ear, and chins from Brenda, Anton, and Gleb (NOT REALLY PASHA, LOVE YOU!) There’s possibly also
a bit of Chelsee Healey’s rogue DNA floting around there by the looks of it, nobody speculate. Carol and “Pashastein” rehearse together, making Pasha
adorably jealous, and then Carol tells Pasha that he’s ditched, and she’s going to be dancing with Pashastein this weekend instead. Yeah, let’s see how that works out for you Carol…
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TO THE SPOOKY LAB!
CAROL NO! DON’T DO IT! IT’S NOT HIS FAULT YOU GOT ASKED TO DO A HALLOWE’EN PARTY RUMBA TO A SONG BY THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY! Also if anybody’s going to hover over Pasha’s prone body holding an outsized pric[PUNCHLINE REDACTED]. Yes Carol and her Pashastein are dancing (and I use that term so loosely it might as well be the skin on Widdy’s neck) to “I Think I Love You”, which has been passed through some sort of gothic organ remix which somehow has made it even worse. It’s mostly
Pasha doing outlandish comedy gooning whilst Carol wanders about aimlessly with her hands on her hips periodically gl