I have a problematic relationship with keys.
Well, that's not true. I have a problematic relationship with key rings. For some reason, my pockets are a violently hostile environment for things I put in them. I don't really understand why this is, but it's true. Keyrings bend out of shape; the concentric rings separate, and my actual keys fall off of them. People have expressed scepticism about this in the past, and they've been wrong and I've been right. The last time I complained about this, I thought I'd come up with a solution where I bought a keyring which was a tiny padlock. It lasted three days before a bolt sheared off. You can see the whole thing on posts made to twitter.
At that point most people would give up, or be sad, or just live with split rings continually letting them down. But most people don't have a dad who is a king of engineering.
My dad made me this.
It's a keyring. It's a solid block of brass with the middle cut out, so it looks like a very shallow "U", or like three sides of a long rectangle. There's a hole drilled in each of the short ends, and a long bolt is threaded through those holes. On one end of the bolt is a nut, tight against the outside of the "U", and the bolt protrudes out about an inch where there's another, locking, nut. All the keys are hung from the bolt. To add a new key, I undo the locking nut on the end, undo the tight nut, pull the bolt out, hang another key from it, and then do everything back up. It's brilliant. I've not had a single problem with it.
Those of you carefully studying the picture will notice that there is writing on the brass "U". (And will also notice that I've blacked out the details of the actual keys, because you can cut a key based on a picture, and I'm not stupid.) That's engraving, which mentions my website, so if I lose my keys (which I am really careful to not do1) then whoever finds them can get in touch with me to tell me that happened but my address is not on the keys, so a nefarious finder gets less benefit from it.
I love my keyring. It's the best. I do not know why more keyrings are not like this. It works just like a normal keyring (I have non-key things on mine, such as a USB stick and a tiny flashlight, but they would go on a regular split-ring keyring as well), but it doesn't just fail all the time like normal ones do. I surely can't be the only person who experiences this? Anyway, I don't mind, 'cos I have the solution. Cheers, dad. Maybe I should make this a product or something.
the historical version of checking your pockets, as a man, was to feel for "spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch" -- this was actually a ribald mnemonic for how to cross yourself as a Catholic, but this modern day man checks his pockets for keys, wallet, and phone in the same way to check they're not lost ↩