Files petition for NFP to change his name to NTP: Nadeem Tom Paracha
In perhaps one of the strangest interviews the Khabaristan Times has ever conducted, former Junoon guitarist, Salman Ahmad, denied accusing popular columnist Nadeem Farooq Paracha (NFP) of bribery merely hours after doing so during a heated attack on Twitter.
The episode, which was followed intently by fans on social media, began after Salman Ahmed was enraged by a satirical article published by the Herald, targeting controversial musician turned evangelist, Junaid Jamshed. Not knowing who the author of the article was, Ahmed took to Twitter where he vented his frustration. Here, he singled out Paracha who is known for his spoof articles.
After denying writing the piece in question, Paracha ridiculed Salman Ahmed for blaming him. This only enraged the musician more, and his accusations grew only wilder.
Anxious to get to the bottom of the issue, we scheduled a Skype video chat with Salman Ahmed a few hours after the incident. When the conversation began, we initially found it difficult to see the guitarist due to a lot of fog on his end of the screen. After calling his name a few times, we heard a table fan turn on. This cleared much of the smoke, revealing a smiling Salman Ahmed with eyes as red as the cape of a superhero.
But perhaps more startling was the massive slice of pizza in the musician’s hands which was rolled up with several pieces of seekh kebab in the middle. Dripping from one end of this monstrosity was Hershey’s chocolate syrup, peanut butter, egg yolk, ketchup, and what looked like Whiskas cat food. When Salman Ahmed noticed our gaping mouths, he giggled for several seconds, “I can’t help it bro. I am so hungry. I’ve got the munchies.”
This was before his face twisted into confusion, “Wait. Who are you guys again? I didn’t pay for this!”
When we reminded Salman Ahmed of the interview he nodded for several seconds calmly before exclaiming, “What interview bro?”
Unsure of how to proceed, we tried to refresh Salman’s memory by saying Paracha’s name a few times. Here, he grinned, “Oh man. Awesome. Let me finish this first. And after that yes, I would love a paratha. Could you send it through the computer screen?”
Before we could respond, Salman tried to pass his hand through his LCD before shouting, “Oww man, that hurt. I am a musician!”
Still hopeful of gaining answers, we asked Salman to elaborate on his views regarding Paracha’s puff pieces, “Puff pieces? Bro the only rule is puff puff pass, bro.”
Responding to a question on Junaid Jamshed, Salman Ahmed said, “Look man, us musicians have to stick together, no matter how horrible the other musician is. Birds of feather man! When Hitler did bad things Napolean stood by him. When George Bush fuc*ed up, Darth Vader was by his side.”
Losing patience, one of our reporters asked Salman Ahmed if he recalled anything from a few hours ago. After slowly munching on his food he replied, “Look bro. Let me be blunt. Hahaha blunt. OK let me be joint. Hahahaha joint. Wait. What was the question again? Wait, who are you guys again? I am just so high on music bro.”
At press time Salman Ahmed was heard muttering, “bhai, mein hosh main toh nahee hoon.”
Satire in Pakistan begins and ends with NFP: Salman Ahmad
Following up on the initial unsuccessful interview, our correspondents reached out Salman Ahmed again the next day and discussed his bizarre Twitter explosion with the Twitterati.
“It appeared that Salman who wants to hide the criticism on his recent video has turned into an advocate for Junaid Jamshed and assumed that a satire piece was written by NFP to defame the designer,” said one social media expert with over 50,000 follers.
Reports suggest that Salman, who heartily believes in the line ‘All those who wander are lost’, had decided to log in to Twitter after getting as high as he could, with unsubstantiated reports indicating that the man might have been high on cat food.
Sources privy to Salman Ahmed’s Twitter handle reveal that his recent tweets have proven that he thinks NFP is the epitome of satire.
Speaking to Khabristan Times (again) Ahmad who considers himself a Sufi said:, “Satire begins and ends with NFP”. When we mentioned Anwar Maqsood, Ibne Insha and Mushtaq Ahmad Yusufi, Salman went into a deep thought and returned when one whispered that they too would have bashed his music had they deemed him worthy of being listened to.
Instead of replying to that comment, Salman went all apesh*t on NFP instead and donned on his PTI persona: “NFP is an Amreeki agent rather he is Uncle Sam and asks poor people like me for money. He has even joked that he wrote US constitution but let me tell all, all these satirists, people think they’re kidding but they’re telling the truth!”
We asked if by that statement, NFP was telling the truth about his bad music. Ahmad got infuriated and said that NFP should be sent to NAB for accountability. The singer also quoted Malcolm X for reasons all are trying to figure out.
Marxists can also be satirists: Karl Marx
Pointing his finger at late communist leader Karl Marx, Salman also fumed at NFP for being a hypocritical pseudo Marxist. The soul of Karl Marx was summoned to clarify the situation.
It appeared that Salman was upset with NFP commenting on problems of masses like sewerage troubles and got frantic with his style of writing such issues calling it ‘gutter journalism’. Karl Marx responded elusively by saying that Marxists can also be satirists. Before he could provide a concrete solution to the leftist question, his soul was taken back and once again Salman was boastful about his PTI affiliation. Salman was however asked if he was in right state of his mind upon which the Sufi wailed for justice and has petitioned to file a complaint to the organisation where NFP apparently works. He has also asked NFP to change his name to NTP: Nadeem Tom Paracha.