Dear JJ,
I write to you from my study as the morning mist begins to lift to reveal a perfect autumnal day. Lady Bear, who sends her love, is preparing for the Rotary Club’s Halloween Fete by setting up the £1 per kiss stall.
As all the village ladies are wearing their attractive gymslips, I don’t anticipate a lack of suitors wishing to pucker up, although we might have to employ an iron maiden chaperone if Jim White turns up with his yellow tie again and tries to slip his silver tongue in the St Giles’ Ladies Hockey Team. Using his tie as an Arab Strap is not the behaviour of a gentleman.
Lady Bear and I congratulate you on breaching the seven million hits milestone which is quite an accomplishment in a blog that is only just over a year old. We also acknowledge that you are a finalist in the Football Blogging Awards 2016, which is the most prestigious celebration of social journalism in the calendar year. We will of course be in Manchester to cheer you on from the VIP tables. Lady Bear has composed a song for the occasion. I have enclosed some lyrics for your approval:
Hail, Hail, John James is here
What the hell do we care?
What the hell do we care?
Hail, Hail, John James is here
What the hell do we care now?
For it’s a grand old blog to write for
And it’s a grand old blog to read
And if, you know, its history
It’s enough to make your heart go one in a row
We don’t care if you win lose or draw
At the FBA Awards
For we only know
That there’s going to be a show
And The John James Site will be there.
She may have paraphrased something that she overheard at Celtic Park, but with the Rangers canon as offensive as ever and the denizens of Manchester still raw about the Blue Apocalypse of 2008, I thought it best to conceal your true colours in case they choose to seek retribution. The game against Zenit was a DefPan 1 crisis. The urinals were incoming:
Have you given any thought to a seating plan for the 17th? Is the John James table fully subscribed? If your table lacks glamour Lady Bear will drop by to add her irresistible allure. As she’ll be wearing her Dior silk stocking she’ll create quite a stir and raise more red blood cells than a Bradley Wiggins asthma shot.
It should be a gala evening at Old Trafford. I suggest that the gentlemen on your table follow in the footsteps of The Flying Dutchman, Louis Van Gaal, by drinking copious amounts of champagne and embarrassing the saxophonist in time-honoured fashion. Mobiles should be switched off to avoid the possibility of ‘drinking and dialing‘ which is always a hazard at these events.
While on the topic of gymslips and jolly hockey sticks I note that a delicious vignette played out at a press conference in which Mark Warburton was cast as Tom Brown with Mangetout Traynor as Flashman. All that was missing was a skull-cap for Warburton as Traynor cracked his whip. Rumour has it that Traynor gave Warburton lines:
I must not discuss Joey Barton calling me a clueless cunt
I must not discuss Joey Barton calling me a clueless cunt…..
Meanwhile, Level 5’s best efforts to deflect from the LLP scandal, with fourteen former players plus Walter Smith and Archie Knox caught with their fingers in the tax evasion cookie jar, has duly hypnotized the SMSM into silence. I often wonder if the LLP losers financed the following movie, which would be somewhat apposite in the circumstances:
Of course as there was so much money sloshing about and not enough movies to finance, some of the directors in the LLP were caught short. A minor European bank has been siphoning off the surplus funds as these schemes begin to unravel. The chances of the footballers getting tax relief is less likely than a clean Bradley Wiggins Tour De France triumph. Barry Ferguson and some of his LLP playmates have been invited by Hector for some afternoon tea with no biscuits. I get the distinct impression that Barry and the BeeGees (The Brothers Glib ) will be made an offer that they cannot refuse.
Hector has been so engaged with outstanding matters at Ibrox that he has appointed himself as the Rangers account manager. I wonder how that will play out:
If you cannot bring yourself to sing a CFC song, you could always sing an Old Trafford anthem:
John James
James will tear you apart, again
Lady Bear and I have voted for your site via Twitter and the FBA web page as we know that the competition is stiffer this year than ever and that every vote counts:
One can vote on both Twitter:
http://www.footballbloggingawards.co.uk/about/vote-football-blogging-awards-twitter/
and the FBA website
http://www.footballbloggingawards.co.uk/about/vote-now-football-blogging-awards/
Lady Bear also bought two virtual seats to boost your coffers which we are led to believe are somewhat depleted at this time. I’m sure the reticence of some of your readers to donate won’t last if you continue to publish posts of the highest quality as has been the case this week.
Yours in Rangers
Edward (Teddy) Bear esquire
Chalfont St. Giles
**************************************************
Dear Teddy,
Thank you for your letter and your warm words of encouragement. My love as always to Lady Bear. I’m heartened to note that my favourite couple will be in attendance although I do not anticipate winning in my category. I won’t be preparing an acceptance speech.
The 7m hits is a welcome milestone, as is the fact that this site is only 100 or so shy of 20,000 approved comments. As for the John James Table those attending are confirmed as:
The Mensch, Jimbo. John James, Dancing Bhoy, Stewart (married to Fatima), Mark B, Lawrence & Jim R. Would others who have paid for a ticket but not enclosed a Paypal note please write to me by making a token donation on Paypal. I’m confident of at least two others that are lost in a sea of £1 donations. I will provide details of the virtual table at a later date. Those wishing to actually attend should send £30 asap. If their number rises to ten, then I will arrange another table. The virtual donations are a godsend to an atheist. I would urge others to show their support.
Teddy, it’s important to note that HMRC are pursuing EBT payments as these were deemed as an unlawful means of tax avoidance by The Inner House. Those with EBT and LLP are, to coin an indelicate phrase, double-fucked. The chats with Hector will be geared to retrieving as much as possible for the public purse. HMRC are not waiting around for appeals. Their green light from The Court of Session was for go.
VAT is so pressing in The Blue Room that the Vat 69 has had to be removed as it was a constant reminder of the outstanding amounts. What HMRC were doing in allowing three quarters to accumulate at an organisation with Rangers financial pedigree is anyone’s guess.
The board is continuing to play a dangerous game of Ker Plunk with the three roofs that are hanging by Baron Bouffant’s hairspray enforced G-string. Bach’s “Air on the G string” is now proscribed at Ibrox. Woolgar Hunter have told Murray and Robertson that the three roofs have to be lifted and replaced. My source on this is impeccable and has a structural engineering background. The only question is whether they’ll relocate to Hampden prior to CFC sending round an independent engineer. This engineer would confirm Glasgow’s worst kept secret: the connectors are shot.
However let’s raise a glass to those who cannot attend the FBA awards but have generously paid for a virtual seat. Cheers
Yours in Rangers,
JJ