I have come to an understanding that whatever I write here doesnt’ have to be factually or even philosophically correct — It just needs to reflect what I am feeling. And I think that is something I need to remind myself every time I feel like I should stop writing.
The combination of anxiety and writing is incredibly toxic. You end up questioning every word and every letter you type. There are times when I am staring at a single comma for half an hour because I am not sure whether I should remove it or keep it.
When I read some of my old posts on this website, I can’t help but feel jealous of my younger self. I was so much bolder in my writing. I wrote anything and everything with utter honesty — And it reflected in my work.
But I had a good reason to be bold — Writing was an escape for me then and not a lot of people even read what I was writing.
Now, things are pretty different. I write for a living and I get paid for it. While I don’t make any money out of this website, a lot of people I personally know read this blog, which deeply triggers my anxiety. I am a heavily guarded person and the idea that anyone who knows me can know exactly what I am going through by reading this website makes me feel scared and vulnerable.
That is why, I often read every post in my Drafts folder a million times to make sure its not too personal to be published on the world wide web. I know it takes a toll on my writing and some of my best pieces do not see the light of day, but I am willing to pay that price for my sanity.
As a direct result, in the last few years, I became a different writer altogether and I think it took me a lot of time to accept that.
I had to remind myself that change isn’t always bad. I will always be evolving and I have to find a way to embrace my new self. The person I am today, will only last for today.
Tomorrow, I might be a different person altogether. Tomorrow, I might end up believing in things I don’t believe in today — And that’s absolutely okay.