As the young Grunt grows from a pants-pissing wet-behind-the-ears neophyte gravel agitator to a grizzled alcohol and hatred-fueled Platoon Daddy, he learns a few things about life. He learns you’re never too poor for good toilet paper, there’s no sex in the Champagne Room (no matter what the dancer might say), and the only thing better than not having to carry the 240 is not having to carry the full combat load of ammo for the 240. Along the way he’s bound to notice that he keeps meeting the same mouth-breathing, window-licking, bathtub-farting punks with different names and faces. Every PCS brings him into a new Platoon full of the same turds in different toilets. There are some people that you just can’t stand because of who and what they are, and unfortunately you’re just going to keep dealing with their same bullshit everywhere you go. So who are these people? Let’s find out. Keep in mind, you may have met someone who encompasses more than one of the following characters.
Trigger Warning: Fuck your feelings, they make you weak and stupid.
10) The Dumbfuck
PVT Dumbfuck just can’t get his shit together. He had to get his ASVAB waivered just to get in. He shouldn’t be trusted to operate an Easy-bake Oven, let alone a Mk19 Grenade Launcher. Somehow this Neanderthal managed to get through basic where he was the absolute worst fucker to get stuck with as your battle-buddy. This paste-eating goofball got everyone smoked. He asked for seconds at chow. He told the Drill Sergeant his feet hurt and he didn’t want to run today because he thought he pulled a hamstring in his foot. He put his magazine in upside down on range day. This fucker wasn’t even doing these things on purpose, he really is that stupid. When he got to your unit he waltzed into the Command Sergeant Major’s office and asked him to sign off on his in-processing checklist and didn’t even stand at parade rest. Now he’s in your squad and you’re stuck making sure this waterhead doesn’t accidentally swallow the tip from his cleaning kit. He never has his gear ready for a field problem because he “didn’t know we had to bring that”. Everything you tell him to do has to be told to him 3 times over before he manages to do it 70% correct. Even then, he’ll still manage to fuck something else up so he never quite balances out in his overall performance. You spend your entire time trying to avoid being stuck with him because you don’t want to teach him how to set up his FLC (again) or have the responsibility of reminding him when to breath (again). This guy fucks up everything he breathes too close to. He’s like King Midas, if King Midas turned everything he touched into a steaming pile of diarrhea… Mind that next Negligent Discharge.
9) The Specialist Stupidfuck
This guy is worse than PVT Dumbfuck. SPC Stupidfuck does everything PVT Dumbfuck did, but SPC Stupidfuck does it on purpose. He wants the chain of command to have absolutely zero expectations of him so he can sham out of everything he possibly can. He’ll deliberately lose the BII for the Bradley (but still secretly know where it is before the statement of charges comes down on him) or deliberately show up to the zero range with no magazines because he “Just forgot them” (Really he’s hoping he didn’t have to shoot so he doesn’t have to clean his rifle). He’s a sham artist of the highest caliber but his malingering is masked as simple stupidity. He got his buddies smoked in basic ON PURPOSE so the Drills wouldn’t call on him for any leadership duties. Now he’s in your Platoon, fucking up simple tasks in the hopes that he won’t be asked to do them anymore. This fucker is one to watch out for and you should never rely on him for anything, he’ll screw your chances of making E5 right along with his and you’ll find yourself in an Article-15 hearing before the Battalion Commander right beside him for some stupid shit he did.
8) The Weaver of Tales
This guy is a Grade-A, USDA Choice bullshit artist. He’s like Michelangelo, but instead of carving marble he crafts wondrous stories of all the chicks he banged this weekend, or about that time he drag-raced in his cousin’s uncle’s best friend’s Dodge Viper SRT and totally walked a Lambo in a quarter-mile. The truth is this dude is a bed-wetting virgin and can’t even drive stick. He’s got a story for everything, and it’ll top yours. You tell your buddies about the time you fucked the captain of the cheer team after senior prom, he’s got a story about how he fingered Kate Upton and Mila Kunis at the same time. You just hit 315 on the bench? He hit that in middle school even though he weighs a buck forty soaking wet. You thinking about buying a Corvette after this deployment? He’s already owned 3 of them and he’s going to buy a new Bugatti Veyron on an E3 salary. This cat is a lying sack of shit so full his eyes are brown. After every block leave he banged 20, no 30, no...57 women back home. Pretty remarkable for a dude with 93 Facebook friends, right? This cocksucker lies to everyone, but the squad leader already has him figured out and calls him out at every opportunity, which is pretty funny because he gets all butthurt and walks around with a case of the red-ass while everyone rips on him for being a lying piece of shit. He’s an embarrassment to be around and a bonafide cock-block. Going out on the weekends anywhere near this clown is a sure sign that you won’t get any female attention because the second you make eye contact with an eligible female he’s already caught on and this poon-orc is already killing her good time and your chances with a rousing one-sided conversation to her about his favorite subject: himself. She’ll blow both of you off, but that’s not going to stop the Brothers Grimm here from telling everyone he banged her and two of her friends at PT formation Monday morning.
7) The empty uniform
This guy is either ETS-ing in a month or got busted from SPC to PV1 for doing some really stupid shit. This is the type of dude who has a chip on his shoulder because his chain of command punished him for breaking curfew to get herpes from a Juicy girl in Korea, so he bailed on his restriction to post two weeks later and then ended up in Korean jail. Now he’s pending a chapter and he does absolutely nothing to help anyone. He only shows up for PT because your PL had to assign an NCO to make him get dressed in the morning, and shams the whole time. Platoon run? He’s going to slow it down because he doesn’t want to be there anymore and just wants to fall out and walk. Tough shit, Platoon Sergeant put him in front and now he’s giving you shin splints at a 10 minute pace for five miles. This guy can’t be bothered to do a damn thing. He’s done. He’s mentally checked out. He knows all he has to do is basically fuck off long enough for his chain of command to decide he isn’t worth it and he’ll spend his last weeks in the army doing jack shit and collecting an E1 paycheck. If he got busted he’s going to be a Casanova of Shitbaggery, fucking up anything he touches with the malice of a rabid chimp with no hands trying to masturbate. If he’s just ETS-ing, then he might do some stuff, maybe even help you out… Maybe tell you where that missing BII is… Either way, this guy is a waste of space and oxygen and you want nothing more than for him to be gone. He’s such a worthless prick, that he seems to make the days go by slower with his mere continued presence in your unit.
6) The Sham-Wow Guy
On a scale of 1 to Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, this guy is the undisputed champion at disappearing without a fucking trace. SPC Hoffa, James will screw off and bounce at any available opportunity...even if he has to make his own. Need all hands on deck to do a command inventory out at the connex in the motorpool in the 105-degree heat at Fort Bliss? He’s not there. No one knows where he is. He vaguely mentioned something about “Dental” or “Updating SGLI” and you remember he was on some list a while back for being red on something in MEDPROS… Maybe that’s where he is? Well, wherever he is, it ain’t here and that’s causing you grief. This worthless chode-smoker fucks everyone else in the Platoon every single time he bails on a task. Now you're pulling his weight too. You want to rip that Good Conduct Medal off his dress blues and shove it up his ass without the dammit. You know this scumbag hasn’t done a day’s work in his army career and somehow he’s managed not to catch an Article-15 for malingering. Next time he doesn’t show for a working party though, you’re taking him behind the barracks and beating him until the hate goes away, if you can find him, that is.
5) Mr. Indecent
This guy is always bringing the nastiest skanks you’ve ever seen in your life back to his room. He’s the reason the First Sergeant got a call about a midget stripper riding a tricycle in the barracks hallways from CQ last weekend. This guy is at every duty station where fat chicks and bad decisions are plentiful. You’ll meet him at Drum, and again at Hood, and after that at Benning...and there’s going to be five of him in your Company at Bragg. This guy goes out every weekend with one mission in life, to see just how hard a woman can get beat with the ugly-stick and live. Then he’s going to bring her back to your shared barracks room and have loud obnoxious sex that sounds like two walruses fighting in a bathtub full of gravy. This guy is at sick call at least once a month having Doc check out what he’s praying is an ingrown hair on his dick. Meanwhile there are some XXXL panties hanging off your bathroom sink that you’re too scared to touch. This guy has no shame, no discretion, and no standards. He’s always doing some weird shit with his junk. He’s the guy who did “The Glow-worm” in basic and ran through the bays naked shaking his chemlight goo-covered penis back-and-forth in the dark at 0200. It was kind of funny then… now it’s just disgusting. Living with this fucker is like Animal House with Rosie O’donnell coming over every weekend. The last chick he brought in left with your cash and, judging by her weave and giant hoop earrings, you’re pretty sure she was an actual crack-whore. He might be getting some, but he probably got more than he bargained for. Just don’t touch any of the juicy girls you see him with on that next TDY to Korea, otherwise you’re going to end up with a new best friend for life and that shit on your lip will grow some shit on its lip. Seriously creeper, put your dick away.
4) PigPen
This rat bastard is the most disgusting dude you’ve ever met. Opening his barracks room door is like a trip into where fast food goes to die and it smells like Little Debbie may actually have her corpse decomposing under all that trash. There’s a vague rustling noise as if that garbage monster from the Star Wars Episode IV is crawling through the refuse looking for someone to pull under and feed on. This dude doesn’t bathe and doesn’t brush. His mouth smells like an open sewer and if you have to hold his feet on an APFT it’s like putting your face next to the anus of a dead cat. Back in basic this fucker figured he could get more sleep if he just didn’t shower, so he didn’t. Back in the old army the Drill Sergeants would have given him a GI shower with 8 guys and a few horsehair brushes. This is the new army though; you can’t do that anymore so there’s not a pain-based incentive for this shitsack to cleanse his person. His teeth are odd shades of yellow and green because he hasn’t handled a toothbrush since 8th grade. He also uses enough tobacco to kill a small horse on a daily basis. On deployment this is the guy who leaves his piss bottles everywhere he goes...in your tent, in the tower after a guard shift, in the HMMWV. You name it, his souring bottles of urine have touched it. You just want to beat the shit out of him, but you simply can’t stand to be that close to him for long enough, so you casually mention to your Platoon Sergeant that PFC Neverbathes would be perfect for that detail to burn shit with diesel. Not that you would even smell the difference between flaming shit and that gross fucker.
3) The Ratfucker
This cheesedick is in everything. He’ll strip a box of MREs of every Skittles, Peanut M&Ms, and pound cake faster than you can blink. He’s got a stash of everything good and he’ll leave you stuck with whatever sucks. He’s not just a sneaky motherfucker, he’s a goddamn thief. He’s the guy who took 5 extra chocolate milks at the DFAC so you didn’t get one. He’s the Ranger School Chow Thief. He mysteriously has your $70 SOG multi-tool you bought a week ago and then couldn’t find. He never asked if anyone lost one though before taking it for himself, probably because he knew it was stolen, not lost. This malcontent is the one who will snag your woobie off your back and then claim he thought it was his. Anything you let this degenerate borrow, you won’t get back until he ruins it and borrows one from someone else. If you let him pull watch in the patrol base by himself, you know he’s going to help himself to anything he wants out of your ruck. Say goodbye to that Jalapeño Cheese Spread you were saving… As this douchebag gets bolder his theft game gets stronger. Eventually you’ll find out he got busted for trying to sell TA-50 at the local pawn shop, or worse...walked off with some sensitive items. If you meet this piece of shit at Ranger School trying to steal chow, please for the love of the Airborne Ranger in the Sky, kick the shit out him and say “This is for Class 02-14!”
2) Moochie
Moochie is one of the worst drains on your wallet. He smokes, drinks, chews, and loves strippers… the only problem is those things all cost money and he’d rather not spend his. He’d rather get it from you for free. Moochie has some kind of sixth sense about him. He knows when you’re about to throw in a dip, or light up that mentholated cancer-y goodness. If you’re down to your last 2 cigarettes and still have 48 hours left in the field, he knows… and he believes he is entitled to at least one of them. This fucker will never buy you a drink or a dance. He has a range of fantastic excuses. You just got to the club and he suddenly remembered his card hasn't been working right. You hit up the titty-bar after you strike out at the club and he doesn’t have any cash for a dance. If you think you met a Moochie, just wait for him to say this phrase to confirm it: “I got you next time”. It’s funny though, next time is like your high school girlfriend… It never seems to come, does it? His game is to go in rotation so no one really gets a bead on how many cigarettes, lap dances, or favors this fucker owes you. He’ll mooch off Jones today, Smith tomorrow, Williams the next day, and then Brown the day after that. If he can make it to the weekend he knows he’s home free because the rest of you idiots are so desperate to get off work and have fun, you’ll forget you basically bought this douchenozzle 3 packs of cigarettes last week. You really have no one to blame but yourself.
1) Mr. Tuhua
Mr. Tuhua (Pronounced Too-Hooah) is the worst of the bunch on this list of (to quote another famous buddy-fucker) “Deplorables”. He’s the one who suggests running 5 miles instead of 3 for PT today. He’s the one that wants to carry the 240 for the 10-mile ruck and that means you get to be ammo-bearer. He’s like that asshole from back in school who reminded the teacher they forgot to assign homework. Fuck this guy. He acts like he’s an all-American super soldier, but he really only pulls this shit when leadership is watching. The rest of the time he’s a shammer like the rest of you. If he thinks he can get ahead with 30 pounds of false motivation that will screw the rest of the platoon like a $3 Bangkok whore...he will do it. He will do it over and over again. The brass loves him because they don’t see what a two-faced piece of shit this turd turns into the second they turn their backs. He’ll volunteer to lead a work party and then as soon as your work party is out of sight he’s sitting on his ass while the rest of you do all the work. Why? “Well they put me in charge, so I’m supposed to supervise you!” will be his excuse. What this guy really needs is some Squad-level justice to remind him he has no friends and everyone hates him worse than gonorrhea. He won’t get it though. He’s the kind of blue falcon that will rat you all out to the powers that be (that he’s spent the last 18 months sucking up to harder than a starving baby on a fake titty). People like him keep making sergeant and that’s why you’re getting out.
If you have to deal with one more of these toxic shitheads weaseling their way into positions of power, you’re going to bury him out in a slit trench in the training area where no one will ever find him…