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I am blessed to have some very close women friends, some of whom I’ve been romantically involved with in the past, and we’ve discovered that even though we liked and respected each other a lot, it didn’t really work for us at that level. With others it’s been clear from the outset that crossing into that zone of intimate closeness would just not be right for us, for whatever reason.
After a recent breakup, I found myself reflecting on why it is that a friendship seems to require so much less ‘work’, and cause less angst, than a love partnership; and whether the best kind of relationship would actually be a kind of committed ‘friends with benefits’ which could offer the best of both. I’ve concluded that in fact there are fundamental differences between the two, which it’s good to be clear about, to get the best out of each and avoid any misunderstandings.
In my experience, a relationship can create an arena of intimacy in which, as well as all the pleasures of physical and emotional intimacy, there is the possibility of, and encouragement for, each partner to connect with any buried pain or self limiting beliefs they may have.
In my experience, a relationship can create an arena of intimacy in which, as well as all the pleasures of physical and emotional intimacy, there is the possibility of, and encouragement for, each partner to connect with any buried pain or self limiting beliefs they may have; uncovering and letting go of any hurts left over from childhood, and learning to feel more self-acceptance and emotional openness. A relationship seems to be one of the best opportunities life can offer to connect with and heal this ‘old stuff’ that most of us carry around buried somewhere, becoming more connected with our deeper/truer self and with that of our partner in the process
In a friendship there isn’t this level of expectation, and so it doesn’t run the risk of getting clouded by the projections, expectations and needs which can come up, and need to be processed, where there’s been a commitment to a deeper connection. A friendship can, and should, also involve a generous amount of openness and sharing, but it needn’t stray into that more tender emotional territory that is exposed between lovers. Expectations are less, and so as long as basic ground rules of honesty and good will and agreed and followed, we can enjoy the company even of people with whom we have some quite profound differences of values and preferences.
For me, a ‘successful’ relationship has to have a balance between the mutual appreciation, acceptance, support and trust that characterises a friendship, alongside the vulnerability, trust, emotional intimacy, and sexual attraction which are a part of any committed love affair. All the kinds of feelings that we first experienced when we were first getting to know this world, and they can now be recreated in this wonderful experience of bodily and emotional contact with another human being.
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It seems that whether our very early experiences were of comfort and confidence, or fear and anxiety, shapes our ‘attachment’ style in relationships in later life. If things didn’t get off to a good start for us, it can make us socially and emotionally insecure as adults. An intimate relationship, especially with someone who is emotionally more secure than we are, gives us the chance to unlearn those early patterns and discover a more relaxed and happy way of relating to ourselves and to others.
However, if the friendship element is missing from a relationship; that is, if partners don’t instinctively trust and like, as well as ‘love’ each other, it may subside into an ‘entanglement’, with all the associated mutual recrimination, blaming, and disappointment. I’ve been there, and in my experience it only continues if there is a sufficient degree of co-dependency, but at the expense of any authentic growth for either, and lacking the kind of personal responsibility which is needed for there to be any real learning. Which to me now, seems to be rather missing the whole point of being in a relationship!
If it’s a friendship you want, or is all that she’s offering, reassure her that you’re happy to stay at that level, because she may well have had past experience with men who were unable to let go of a compulsion to try and seduce her, even after she’d tried to make it clear to them that wasn’t what she wanted.
I’m sure t is possible for an entanglement to develop into a closer and more genuine relationship, but only if both partners are ready, willing and able to make the personal changes needed for that to happen. I never managed it.
What I’ve learned is that it’s important to be clear what kind of relationship you ideally want with a particular woman, and to behave towards her in a way that is most likely to lead to that, in the hope that she feels the same way. If it’s a friendship you want, or is all that she’s offering, reassure her that you’re happy to stay at that level, because she may well have had past experience with men who were unable to let go of a compulsion to try and seduce her, even after she’d tried to make it clear to them that wasn’t what she wanted. She may even have had the unpleasant experience of attempted or actual coercion, which will make it especially hard for her to trust any man again.
If you want a deeper relationship, you’ll run the risk of rejection in case it’s not reciprocated, but there are a number of things that any man can do, to try to successfully move things in the right direction. I don’t like the idea of ‘techniques’ because that implies some kind of trickery or manipulation, whereas I’m taking about ways of behaving and expressing yourself that make it clearer to her what you’re actually like, and what your feelings and your intentions towards her are. Which may or may not make you more appealing as a potential lover.
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After that it’s out of your hands, and there’s no alternative other than to accept the reality of her response, and not to take it personally. Whether a woman ‘choses’ to be in an intimate relationship with you or not is to do with her own personal needs and feelings, not a measure of how attractive or desirable you are as a potential partner. All you can do is try not to sabotage yourself. If that all fails at least you can say you tried, and if a friendship is in the offing and you can live happily with letting go of other hopes and expectations, enjoy it for what it is. If that can’t work for you, be honest with yourself and with her, and walk away.
It also seems true that with some people, although on the face of it all the elements are there for you to have a love relationship, there is something crucial missing, for either or both of you; some kind of ‘chemistry’ which I’ve struggled to clearly identify, but if it’s not there, you can’t will it into being. This is another time when you have to accept that ‘it is what it is’, and a friendship is the only option; trying to force something different will surely end in tears of disappointment and frustration.
By recognising the differences between the two ways of relating, and being clear about which one fits in any particular situation you’ll avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past in the past with women I was attracted to, when because of a failure of courage, I’ve ended up with a friendship that could have been a relationship, or I’ve dived blindly into a relationship that probably should have stayed as a friendship. Each of which felt like having the worst of both worlds: and any outcome has got to be better than that!
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