Aw, is it the finale already? It only feels like I watched about 10 billion episodes of this crap. This one begins with the official opening of DJ and Matt’s shared pet clinic, and what could be more exciting than that? Steve comes in and tries to salt Matt’s game, and I am once again perturbed by how much more intense the Matt vs. Steve situation is by DJ and Matt becoming business partners. It stresses me out to even think about it. Like, I just don’t see any way that DJ can get through this situation without it causing her a lot of problems.
Back at the fuller house, Kimmie Gibbler prepares to get remarried to Fernando the next day. DJ’s like, why the fuck are you getting married so soon? You guys just got engaged yesterday and Kimmie Gibbler tries to make sense of the whole thing by saying that she wants to join festivities with Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky, who are coming to the fuller house to renew their marriage vows, but that really just makes things more confusing. First of all, why does the Fernando marriage have to take place 2 days after the Fernando engagement? They could have easily stated that more time had passed between episodes. Aren’t there logistics involved, like inviting people and figuring out where they’re gonna live and shit like that? And how does saying that the ceremony will be linked up with Becky and Jesse’s serve as any kind of explanation? We never heard about this vow renewal before, and why would they be doing it at the fuller house anyway? The answer to all of these questions is, of course, because it’s the Season finale and all of this provides quite the spectacle. And also, who cares?
Jesse and Becky enter the house and there is much hooting from the audience. Kimmie Gibbler shows them upstairs and there’s an interesting moment where Jesse leaves Becky behind to carry all the bags herself. This is one of those instances where they seem to be making an intentional effort to acknowledge what a fuckhead Jesse is. His horrible husbandry usually went without comment in the original series and it wasn’t really clear how deliberate a creation it was, but moments like this allude to the creators doing it on purpose, or at least being aware of it.
Kimmie Gibbler sets her room up all nice so Becky and Jesse can get their fuck on in there, seeing as how it was their old room and all. Kimmie Gibbler begins to explain to them that she and Fernando are gonna latch onto their ceremony and then Fernando enters and, despite his overdone accent, he manages to elucidate the situation to everyone. Becky goes along with it because she’s used to having everything in her life ruined by a bunch of selfish assholes but Jesse is more hesitant. Kimmie Gibbler offers him the “Kimmie Special,” which is a discounted event price, and then, to sweeten the deal, Becky offers him the “Becky Special,” which I’m pretty sure is a rimjob. Incidentally, how much could this event even cost? Sorry for spoilers, but they pretty much all just stand around in the backyard together.
Jesse’s big idea of romance is taking Becky into the kitchen to recreate the meal from their first date, which is, of course, from McDonald’s. What a cheap piece of shit. Becky is thrilled because she has learned to live a life of no expectations and she’s just happy that he made any effort at all. DJ, Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler roll up and grab Becky so they can have a bachelorette party, leaving Jesse alone to watch the baby and give DJ’s oldest kid advice about how to bag Lola. Jesse tells him to take advantage of Lola’s emotional state due to their being a wedding and then he uses the baby to demonstrate what moves he should use on Lola, which I don’t really know how to even begin to talk about.
DJ’s middle kid walks in and starts eating the food because why shouldn’t he just be able to come in and take whatever the fuck he wants? Ramona also enters the scene and she tells everyone that she’s gonna move out once her parents get remarried, which she’s sad about even though there’s never been any indication that she likes living there. DJ’s oldest kid is excited by this news because he’ll have his own room again but the middle kid aint havin’ it. The scene ends with a really long shot of the baby trying to eat a McDonald’s cheeseburger.
The ladies all come home drunk and decide to call Michelle and leave her a message containing all of her annoying childhood catch phrases. That’s what she gets if you ask me. I hope the Olsen twins are plagued by people doing that in real life. I really do. Even though this doesn’t even qualify as a cameo, it was still more Michelle than I wanted to see on this show. Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler laments the end of their fun, drunken ladies nights due to her getting married and then the focus turns to DJ and who she’ll take to the wedding. She says that she wants to go by herself because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so, naturally, Kimme Gibbler calls Steve to invite him and Stephanie does the same thing with Matt, both without telling DJ.
As she prepares for the wedding, Kimmie Gibbler has a heart-to-heart with Ramona about leaving the fuller house. DJ’s oldest kid walks in and asks which tie he should wear in order to best attract Lola and then he refers to himself as, “J-Money,” which I really hate. He’s been doing it all Season and I never mentioned it because I wanted to ignore it, plus I kept hoping it would be the last time it happened. But, no, he just kept right on doing it. He also tells them that the middle kid is refusing to go to the wedding so Kimmie Gibbler goes to tend to his selfish needs.
The middle kid tells Kimmie Gibbler that he’s hella pissed about her and Ramona moving out and that he doesn’t give a fuck about her life outside of how it directly effects him. Kimmie Gibbler offers him the job of ring bearer and this proposal to make the event at least partially about him is enough to get him to agree to participate. Hugs ensue.
Steve and Matt show up for the wedding, as per usual about 30 seconds apart and as per usual without having seen each other outside first somehow. The wacky circumstance of them both having been invited comes out in the open and then Matt and Steve talk about how stressful it’s been for them to both want to bang DJ so Matt offers Steve a Rolaid, which Steve endorses with the products catch-phrase. This lead to a definitive conclusion on my part about deliberate product placement on this show, including the McDonald’s stuff from earlier, plus that weird Target plug a few episodes ago. It’s always weird when shows make a joke about their product placements because it does not make up for the fact that they are still product placements.
Matt and Steve tell DJ that they’re sick of this shit and she needs to pick one of them already so she agrees to make a decision after the wedding, which seems like a pretty arbitrary time to me. She might as well just be like, I’ll tell you at the end of the episode. She then walks outside while holding hands with both of them and it kind of seems like they should just form a polyamorous unit. I swear that this show is really all about polyamory. It always has been.
The wedding takes place in the backyard and is officiated by Joey, who comes out in a hockey jersey that’s been turned into a robe, plus rollerblades, just to prove yet again what a giant dickhole he is. One thing that would make this feel like a really satisfying finale would be if Joey died but, I’m sorry to say, it’s not gonna happen. Man, I’d give anything if Joey died.
I would also like to point out that, aside from Matt and Steve, the only person at this ceremony who does not live in the fuller house is Lola. Not one extra was hired for the ceremony. Not one.
As the brides walk down the aisle, Stephanie sings some bullshit garbage song that she supposedly wrote and there are close-ups of everyone that are supposed to make us believe in love again or some shit like that. DJ stares at Matt until Steve pulls her face towards him in this really creepy way. Ramona stares at the baby, which doesn’t really make any sense at all, and Joey looks at Mr. Woodchuck. I don’t know which is worse, having to look at a close-up of his stupid face or further evidence that he fucks that puppet.
Jesse and Becky exchange vows and then Fernando and Kimmie Gibbler do the same. Joey asks them all to say, “I do,” and when it’s Kimmie Gibbler’s turn she runs away. Ramona follows her into the house and they have a heartwarming talk wherein Ramona declares that she supports Kimmie Gibbler’s decision whether or not she remarries Fernando. Kimmie Gibbler decides to go through with it and reenters the ceremony, only to run back into the house at the “I do” moment again. Did I mention yet that this episode is super fucking long? Anyway, this time DJ and Stephanie follow her into the house and they have a heart to heart with her and then she decides, again, to go back out and marry Fernando. Don’t you love it when a sequence keeps repeating and it doesn’t move the plot forward at all? I sure do!
Once again the “I do” moment arrives, and once again Kimmie Gibbler tries to run away. This time, the wedding party blocks her escape and Fernando is finally like, what the fuck? Kimmie Gibbler says that she likes living in the fuller house and doesn’t want to interfere with what seems like a fairly solid premise that will probably get renewed for a second Season. In a shockingly sensible moment, she says that they should plan on being engaged for more than 2 days before getting married and allow for their relationship to build organically over time.
Jesse and Becky split and then DJ’s oldest kid walks Lola out and she gives him a smooch. I guess that they’ve been building up to that for the whole Season but it still had a real who cares effect. It may be because DJ’s oldest kid is so terribly uninteresting, but it probably also has something to do with the lack of tension or intrigue throughout this storyline. Basically, he likes her and she seems like she may be interested in him, too, and then this happens. That took like 10 episodes.
Matt and Steve wait for DJ in the backyard (I kind of like to think that they’ve been standing there like that for hours, and there’s no reason given to believe otherwise) and then she approaches them with Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler in tow. They talk about this situation being similar to The Bachelorette, which has been kind of a running gag for a few episodes, and I can only assume that this scene emulates that show since I’ve never watched it.
After a series of long, drawn-out exchanges, DJ says that she chooses herself. What!??! She explains that it still hasn’t been very long since her husband died a horrible, gruesome, fiery death and she’s not ready to commit to anyone, which, much like the Kimmie Gibbler conclusion from a few minutes ago, is shockingly sensible. Both guys agree to wait in the wings so that this love triangle can be drawn out for at least another Season, then the guys leave to go get a beer together. They’re totally gonna have a sword fight in the alley after a few drinks. I knew they’d end up together.
After the guys leave, DJ, Kimmie Gibbler and Stephanie agree to continue their lives together, which are going pretty well without any husbands or serious boyfriends. I actually thought this was a really good ending. It’s like the show finally developed some admirable-or at least understandable-principles after 30 years. It’s also a nice note to end on for me because there’s no fucking way I’m reviewing Season 2. Sorry guys, I’m totally over this shit. You can watch it and make fun of it all you want. I’m done.
I’ll be back next week with a review of the Season as a whole and then that’ll be it for this whole blog, for reals this time. If you’re interested in other dumb pop-culture garbage from me, there’s always Saved by the Bell Reviewed, a delightful podcast I do with several other hilarious geniuses, and you can support the 80’s TV Parody Adult Coloring Book, which is doing pretty poorly as far as crowd-funding campaigns go. If this blog’s audience were more willing to support these kinds of projects, I might be more willing to keep reviewing this show. There’s only one way to find out.