It’s hard to talk about the Oscars last night without just immediately saying two very important, life-altering, career defining words: Adele Dazeem!
But we’ll get to the implosion of the brain of every music theatre fan around the globe in just a moment. Let’s take it step by step.
The 20-teens answer to Oprah, Ellen DeGeneres, fulfilled her hosting duties last night capably but without even slightly rocking the boat. Though unquestionably a damn sight better than the crass antics of 2013 host Seth McFarlane (aka “We Saw Your Boobs” – classy!), Ellen went on to be as in-offensive as ever.
The only successfully ruffled feather belonged to Liza Minnelli, who arrived looking fabulous in a blue, silk pants-suit, but who Ellen couldn’t resist calling “the best Liza Minnelli impersonator I’ve ever seen” following the crack with “well done sir!”
If you were watching closely, while Liza squirmed, her sister Lorna Luft in the next seat had a fat old guffaw. Calm down Lorna – just ‘cause no one ever felt the need to dress in drag as you!
Ellen also later went on to post what is now the most liked and retweeted selfie in the history of selfie-dom. We have only one question… Do you think we could get away with this at the Helpmann’s?
No? Too bad!
Final Ellen moment: she ordered pizza, because she’s a rebel. Seriously! Most of those skinny bitches probably haven’t seen a take away pizza in decades! Our guess is this morning they’re juice detoxing hard core!
Photos of J-Law devouring said pizza (#ClassicJLaw!) are now circulating the internet. Gleeful proof for fanboys everywhere that she’s totally just like them and underneath her consistently perfect, gym-toned figure is a fatty just screaming to get out.
Uh huh.
No doubt message boards around the globe are still echoing with the pain of her loss to Lupita Nyong’o to the tune of: “but I love J-Law!”
But while we’re on the subject – lets discuss the transformations of the night, the first being the transformation of Lupita Nyong’o from neophyte Oscar nominee to fashion icon and Hollywood “it” girl. The Best Supporting Actress winner just did everything right last night. First: she won! Which always helps. Second: she looked absolutely stunning! Third: she danced with Pharrell (we’re not sure who that is, but he wore shorts, sang a song and people danced. Meryl Streep shimmied!). Bibbity bobbety boo: kid, you’re a star. Ain’t Hollywood grand!
The other major transformation of the evening was Dallas Buyers Club from an important movie to a piece of stereotypical, transphobic hatred.
Don’t get us wrong, it was always a piece of stereotypical, transphobic hatred. But yesterday it was a B-pic no one had seen starring two actors whose better days were seriously behind them. I mean think about it: if someone had told you five years ago that Matthew MacConnaghey was going to win an Oscar, you would have belly laughed in their face!
(We want to say: Magic Mike?)
Now, however, Buyers Club has won two Oscars. People will now go see it. Prepare for the backlash as the LGBTQIA community realizes that Oscar just endorsed a movie that really does not portray them especially well. Jared Leto’s Trans character in particular is a real piece of work: a trashy, clothing-obsessed bitch, capable of only scalping her parents, getting in trouble and swooning when she gets rescued by an upstanding straight hero!
Bitch please!
The third and possibly most important transformation of the night belonged, of course, to Cate Blanchett, who gave one of the most articulate and provocative Oscar acceptance speeches of the last thirty years! Ever wonder what it feels like to go to bed a star and wake up a legend? As of this morning, Catey B knows.
Can STC just announce she is Lady Macbeth yet? Or will audiences find out on opening night as she makes her first act entrance?
… Actually we’re down with that!
In a speech cunningly written and gracefully delivered, Cate Blanchett accomplished what many an actress has failed to do over the years. She successfully complimented the nominees in her category without sounding smug – something most Best Actress winners either fail at miserably or leave out entirely. She managed to take a swipe at old fashioned producers who may consider movies focusing on strong female characters as a niche experience. This got accompanied by an Oprah-esque bellow: “THE WORLD IS ROUND PEOPLE!!!”
Do you need more?
Oh yes, that’s right, she put in an entire segment talking about the Sydney Theatre Company, how working in the theatre had made her a better actress, and how much talent there was in Australia. Best of all, she delivered the most successful flip of the bird to the Academy that has been seen in decades. In one breath thanking the Academy for her win, Blanchett then turned and heartily dissed Oscar, stating: “as random and subjective as this award is, it still means a great deal.”
This proclamation most likely sent many an ingénue scurrying to consult her Dictionary App to find out what “Subjective” meant. The rest of the room probably divided into those awarding Blanchett legendary status for her cajones and those hoping the Oscars curse would strike her down leaving her sans hubby and career ASAP!
P.s. Oh Andrew Upton, even in a tux, you still manage to look like Uncle Quentin from The Famous Five!
But let’s quit stalling and turn to the moment that truly defined the evening.
Adele Dazeem!
Tony Award winning Wicked star Idina Menzel most likely commenced the evening entirely unaware that she possessed this random alter-ego. But it seems John Travolta has known about Ms. Dazeem for quite sometime, and he seemed really quite proud to be introducing her on stage at the Shrine auditorium, beginning his speech with the special place in his heart that would always exist for the musical movie. He then proceeded to forget the star of Frozen was actually Idina, and introduced Adele instead! Too bad, Adele was not in the house that night, and a clearly heavily thrown Menzel went on to sing an utterly manic rendition of “Let it Go” from the Disney hit Frozen replete with super-flat, final high-belt.
The showstopper got a standing-O as a satisfied Travolta no doubt sat back in his seat and glowed that the whole world now knew of this fabulous musical star and that Adele Dazeem was no longer just a secret between him and The Village… not that he ever hangs out there! No, he’s too busy looking at boobies. Many, many boobies.
Host DeGeneres attempted to cover the disastrous Dazeem gaffe by saying Idina’s name correctly twice following the standing-O. Still, the damage had been done, and as much as Travolta attempted to slide off the stage as if nothing had happened, the story had gone viral a matter of hours later and remains this morning, the most talked about moment in an otherwise really quite uneventful Oscars. This does tend to be the case when you totally mispronounce the name of a chart topping singer in front of a billion strong television audience.
No official comment has yet been made about the gaffe by the Academy or Travolta. We are hoping this gets fixed soon as we truly are dying to discover whether Travolta had some form of dyslexic outburst (it’s not impossible, just super improbable!). Alternatively, there might have been a teleprompter snafoo. Does that then mean Travolta has never heard of Idina, Wicked, Frozen or “Let it Go”? Or, and this is what we are betting on, does John Travolta seriously believes Adele Dazeem is a real person and that last night the stage at the Oscars got hijacked temporarily by some random from New York?
Either way, Happy Oscars 2014.
And would the real Adele Dazeem please stand up!
Diva Knows Best
Xoxox