Eighteen goals in just four 3pm Premier League kick-offs, as Arsenal knock Chelsea off the top of the table.
6.06pm GMT
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Related: Fernando Llorente double steers Swansea to vital win over Sunderland
Related: Bournemouth crash back to earth as George Boyd goal gives Burnley win
Related: Fraizer Campbell’s late leveller rescues Crystal Palace after Hull heroics
5.06pm GMT
Phew! What an afternoon of free-flowing entertainment! Arsenal go top of the Premier League. Swansea City haul themselves out of the relegation zone and are replaced at the bottom by Sunderland. West Ham United move into the drop zone. Newcastle United take over at the top of the Championship, while Rangers move to within a mere eight points of Celtic, having played, oh, just the three games more. But they’re snug in second now, Aberdeen having dropped points at home.
And if that wasn’t enough to sate your appetite, the struggling Premier League champions Leicester take on title hopefuls Manchester City in a few minutes. Mr Rob Smyth is your genial host. What are you waiting for?
Related: Leicester City v Manchester City: Premier League – live!
5.02pm GMT
Premier League: Arsenal 3-1 Stoke; Burnley 3-2 Bournemouth; Hull 3-3 Crystal Palace; Swansea 3-0 Sunderland; Watford 3-2 Everton.
Championship: Aston Villa 1-0 Wigan; Barnsley 2-1 Norwich; Brentford 2-1 Burton; Huddersfield 2-1 Bristol City; Ipswich 1-1 Cardiff; Newcastle 4-0 Birmingham; Reading 2-1 Sheffield Wednesday; Rotherham 1-0 QPR; Wolves 4-4 Fulham.
4.58pm GMT
Final scores in a minute, but worth mentioning this one at Molineux: Wolverhampton Wanderers and Fulham have drawn 4-4! Fulham were 3-1 up at half time, Wolves looked to have turned it around, sealing a win with a 90th-minute Dave Edwards goal, but Floyd Ayite scored in the fourth minute of added time to earn a draw for the Cottagers!
4.55pm GMT
Both teams looked like losing that. I suppose you could spin that round and say both teams looked like winning it, but there’s a reason they’re near the bottom. A precious point, let’s put it that way.
4.53pm GMT
Burnley meanwhile are snug in mid-table after holding on. No big comeback for the Cherries this week!
4.52pm GMT
Arsenal will be top of the Premier League tonight, edging past Chelsea on goal difference!
4.51pm GMT
What a fine result this is for Swansea! The David Moyes revival stalls.
4.49pm GMT
Hello! Is another daft comeback on?! Afobe’s just had a goal disallowed, but no matter, because in the next attack, Charlie Daniels halves the deficit! What an afternoon of Premier League football this is! What a second half!
4.48pm GMT
Zaha with his second assist of the game. Fraizer Campbell gets a dramatic equaliser! There’s still one minute to go plus stoppages, so with Palace playing that’s time for at least another three goals. Don’t go anywhere!
4.45pm GMT
Bournemouth aren’t threatening another comeback from 3-1 down. Then again, Burnley don’t have Lucas in central defence.
4.42pm GMT
A second goal for the big Spaniard. Swansea are such a strange side right now: 5-4, 0-5, 3-0. Worth the admission price, huh.
4.40pm GMT
A hat-trick for Dwight Gayle. Newcastle lead Birmingham 4-0, and will be reclaiming the top spot in style. This is a fine response to a poor series of results. “I suspect that had Ian Cathro been Portuguese, or Italian, he’d have been given a warmer welcome than he has by some journos and ex players up here, who obviously like their managers to be grizzled veterans with a sackful of medals,” writes Simon McMahon. “You know, like Arrigo Sacchi, and Jose Mourinho.”
4.38pm GMT
Christian Benteke asks for a penalty. He doesn’t get it. Hull race up the other end, where after a series of non-existent challenges, Jake Livermore puts the hosts back in front! What a topsy-turvy match this is! Crystal Palace really can’t hold onto a lead.
4.35pm GMT
Alex Iwobi charges in from the left. He exchanges passes with Alexis Sanchez, bursts into the box, and steers a low fizzer into the bottom right! Lovely finish! And as things stand, Arsenal are going top tonight on goal difference from Chelsea, who play West Brom at Stamford Bridge tomorrow. Stoke had been pressing for an equaliser, too.
Related: Alex Iwobi: ‘I did extra training. My mum made me do kick-ups in the living room’
4.33pm GMT
George Boyd has just threaded one into the corner, and surely this match is over. But then that’s what Liverpool thought at this stage last week.
4.32pm GMT
What a result it could be. Pretty much from the restart, Adama Diomande beats a couple of men and drifts a finish over Wayne Hennessey. Palace just can’t hold onto a lead!
4.30pm GMT
Palace were desperately unlucky to be losing at half time, having conceded a penalty that never should have been. But they’ve bounced back marvellously, and now Wilfried Zaha, who assisted their equaliser by winning a penalty, has just battered Palace into the lead! What a huge result this could be!
4.28pm GMT
Bournemouth’s Joshua King has just battered a wonderful chance for an equaliser straight at Burnley keeper Tom Heaton. Stoke’s Mame Biram Diouf has passed up a chance to equalise at Arsenal, heading lamely from six yards. And an equaliser for Caley Thistle against the Accies. Larnell Cole with that. It’s quiet in Scotland.
4.22pm GMT
After that early second-half goal frenzy, it’s all gone a bit quiet. Arsenal are pushing Stoke back a lot, in heavy rain. But the visitors are holding their shape in the crucial areas. Alexis Sanchez doing a lot of probing.
4.16pm GMT
Yoan Gouffran has given Newcastle United a 3-0 lead over Birmingham; Rafa Benitez’s side will be going back to the top of the Championship tonight. Barrie McKay meanwhile has put Rangers 2-0 up over the Hearts team managed by Ian Cathro, 30. Kris Boyd will be even happier.
4.14pm GMT
Daylight between the Swans and the Black Cats! As things stand, Sunderland will be crashing back to the bottom of the table, with West Ham United just one place above them. It’s looking a lot tighter down there than it did a few weeks ago.
4.12pm GMT
Snodgrass, who went over very easily for Hull’s penalty, brings Wilfried Zaha down. Karma, baby. Christian Benteke steps up and eases the spot kick into the net, no bother.
4.11pm GMT
A Wayne Routledge cross, meant for Fernando Llorente, is handled by Jason Denayer. Close range, so some controversy, but there it is. Sigurdsson makes no mistake.
4.09pm GMT
How’s about this, then? Mesut Ozil guides a delicate header - an Ozil header - over Lee Grant from the edge of the area. Stoke had started the half well, too, Erik Pieters very nearly converting a Shaqiri right-wing cross at the far stick.
4.03pm GMT
Bovril and pints of heavy having been chugged - and that’s just in the changing rooms - the matches get underway again. Second-half goal rush, here we come!
3.54pm GMT
3.51pm GMT
The Premier League half-times: Arsenal 1-1 Stoke City; Burnley 2-1 Bournemouth; Hull City 1-0 Crystal Palace; Swansea City 0-0 Sunderland. Earlier in the day, Watford beat Everton 3-2.
3.48pm GMT
Benik Afobe ends a long personal drought by finishing a move started by the Premier League’s new creative genius, Ryan ‘Garrincha’ Fraser. Another Cherries comeback is on, then!
3.43pm GMT
The Gunners pass it around quite a lot, knocking the ball hither and yon in the patient style. Then suddenly Hector Bellerin - who came on earlier for an injured Mustafi - finds space down the right, fires a low cross towards the near post, and Walcott flicks into the bottom-right corner with power and precision. That was a wonderful team goal.
3.41pm GMT
A second goal for Dwight Gayle at St James’ Park. Newcastle are 2-0 up over Birmingham. Meanwhile not much has been going on at a drenched Liberty Stadium. It’s still 0-0 between Swansea and Sunderland, though Jordi Amat has just sent a close-range header over the bar from a Gylfi Sigurðsson free kick.
3.37pm GMT
“Still 0-0 in the League Two mid-table clash between Mansfield and Colchester,” reports Steve Dickens. “But not am not sure how long we’ve been playing for.”
3.34pm GMT
Rob Kiernan has given Rangers the lead over a Hearts team now managed by Ian Cathro, 30. Kris Boyd will be chuffed.
3.32pm GMT
Granit Xhaka has stuck an elbow into Joe Allen’s startled coupon. A bit of a kerfuffle on the touchline involving Arsene Wenger as the referee points to the spot. That’s the only punishment. Charlie Adam strokes the spot kick into the bottom corner, and a first win at Arsenal since 1981 is currently on for Stoke City!
3.29pm GMT
Robert Snodgrass has flopped over Scott Dann’s leg at the KCOM Stadium. A controversial one this. Dann’s booked for arguing. And it’s a double whammy, as Snodgrass puts the spot kick away!
3.22pm GMT
Ali Crawford has put the Hamilton Accies 1-0 up at Inverness Caledonian Thistle. The Caley Jags are in a bit of bother this season, relegation a very real prospect just a couple of seasons after winning the Scottish Cup. Meanwhile Dwight Gayle has just opened the scoring for Newcastle United against Birmingham City. The Toon have hit a bit of a sticky patch lately, having lost their last two in the League plus their League Cup quarter final against Hull. A win at St James’ Park today will put them back on top of the Championship, though, having been knocked off last night after Brighton’s win over Leeds.
3.18pm GMT
If the first goal was spectacular, this one is scrappy: Stephen Ward pokes home after Artur Boruc fumbles in the middle of a penalty-box melee. Now the Bournemouth keeper knows how Loris Karius feels. A magnificent start by the Clarets, though of course a cornered Bournemouth is a dangerous Bournemouth. They’ll need another fine comeback if they’re to get anything out of this.
3.15pm GMT
Arsenal have come back at Stoke a wee bit, Theo Walcott going close after a jaunty skitter down the wing. But never mind that, because...
3.14pm GMT
A long blooter upfield by Heaton, a header down, and a spectacular volley into the top corner by the former Derby man Jeff Hendrick! Burnley went into the lead against Manchester City the other week with a not dissimilar goal, but couldn’t hold on. Can they manage it this time against a team who came back from the dead last week?
3.12pm GMT
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3.08pm GMT
Our man Simon McMahon will be happy. Tope Obadeyi has scored the opener for Dundee United at Ayr after six minutes. Otherwise, the football pitches of England and Scotland are quiet places right now. You should be doing your Christmas shopping, anyway, not manically refreshing this page.
3.06pm GMT
Stoke City have started strongly at Ashburton Grove. Three corners already, plus a half-chance for Xherdan Shaqiri and a long-range volley by Marc Muniesa fingertipped over the bar by Petr Cech. Stoke haven’t won at Arsenal since 1981, so they’re wrestling with history this afternoon. But this is a decent start.
3.02pm GMT
Here we go then! Hands have been shaken, coins tossed, whistles blown. We’re up and running all across the country. Also there’s a result in League One, where AFC Wimbledon have lost 1-0 at the not quite so righteous MK Dons. A 63rd-minute Dean Bowditch penalty the decider there.
Related: Why I won’t be going to watch my beloved AFC Wimbledon at MK Dons | Daffydd Bynon
2.37pm GMT
As for the Scottish Premiership, well, Celtic have won that. But there are other concerns north of the border, and with those uppermost in mind, here’s Clockwatch regular Simon McMahon: “Game of the day in the Scottish Championship is Ayr United v Dundee United, the Tannadice men currently on an 11-game unbeaten streak stretching back to September, including a win over joint leaders Hibs, who are at home to Dumbarton today, in their last outing. In the Scottish Premiership Celtic beat Partick Thistle 41-0 last night to extend their lead at the top to 200 points, or something like that. Today Rangers meet Ian Cathro’s Hearts at Ibrox, the 30 year old Dundonian having left Newcastle to take up his first manager’s job with the Edinburgh club. There’s a basement battle at Dens where Dundee play Ross County, and Aberdeen host St. Johnstone. In Scottish League One it’s Brechin v East Fife, and expect fireworks in Scottish League Two as Forfar and Arbroath meet in the Angus derby.”
2.33pm GMT
There’s already been one Premier League match played this afternoon. And so much for Everton’s fast start to the season. Details? Rob Smyth, like a pint of plain, is your only man.
Related: Watford 3-2 Everton: Premier League – as it happened
2.31pm GMT
The team news, then. Arsenal make six changes from the side that started their romp in Basel the other night. Out go David Ospina, Kieran Gibbs, Rob Holding, Aaron Ramsey, Alex Iwobi and Lucas Perez; in come Petr Cech, Shkodran Mustafi, Nacho Monreal, Francis Coquelin, Theo Walcott and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Stoke make the one switch from their 2-0 win over Burnley: Joe Allen comes in for Jonathan Walters.
Burnley make four swaps from the XI that started their defeat at Stoke. Paul Robinson, Jon Flanagan, Andre Gray and Ashley Barnes make way for Tom Heaton, Steven Defour, George Boyd and Sam Vokes. Bournemouth give substitute tormentor of Liverpool, Ryan ‘McGarrincha’ Fraser, the start he deserves, alongside Benik Afobe and Charlie Daniels. Junior Stanislas, Jack Wilshere and Josh King are the men to miss out.
2.05pm GMT
Arsenal: Cech, Gabriel, Mustafi, Koscielny, Monreal, Xhaka, Coquelin, Walcott, Ozil, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Sanchez.
Subs: Gibbs, Lucas Perez, Giroud, Ospina, Iwobi, Bellerin, Elneny.
Stoke City: Grant, Johnson, Muniesa, Martins Indi, Pieters, Allen, Imbula, Shaqiri, Adam, Arnautovic, Diouf.
Subs: Whelan, Bony, Given, Crouch, Krkic, Sobhi, Ngoy.
Referee: Lee Mason (Lancashire).
Burnley: Heaton, Lowton, Mee, Keane, Ward, Arfield, Hendrick, Marney, Defour, Boyd, Vokes.
Subs: Flanagan, Gray, Barnes, Kightly, Bamford, Robinson, Tarkowski.
AFC Bournemouth: Boruc, Francis, Steve Cook, Ake, Daniels, Adam Smith, Arter, Gosling, Fraser, Afobe, Callum Wilson.
Subs: Pugh, Brad Smith, King, Federici, Mings, Wilshere, Ibe.
Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire).
10.11am GMT
It’s a huge afternoon of classic Saturday 3pm action in the Premier League! So, OK, we’ve started today’s Clocko with a bare-faced lie. But if everyone involved with politics is allowed to gambol across post-truth terrain these days, then those inhabiting the world of sport should be allowed a slice of that hot disingenuous action too. Four matches! From a round of ten! Featuring just the one team from the top eight! Woooooooooooo-hoo!
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