Before I start posting my little 'no work and need something to do' project I just wanna say that I am placing it here because it is heavily biblical in nature. It is kind of a joke, so don't get all butt hurt. If you do, that's fine. Send me some hate and then we can talk about it after you calm down.
Genesis
Chapter 1
1. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. No other stars, planets, solar systems, galaxies or any of that mind you. Just the heavens and the earth.
2. Now the earth was just a blob of stuff and empty, and darkness was over the surface of the watery deep despite the earth being a big empty blob, but the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the water.
3. God said, “Let there be light.” And there was light... even though there is no sun and no stars whatsoever, but he's God right? He can make light just happen.
4. God saw that the light was good, because he wasn't sure if he had made something good or bad at this point because he just wasn't sure. DONT QUESTION GOD. So God separated the light from the darkness... as if they were the same thing in the first place.
5. God called the light “day” and the darkness “night.” There was evening, and there was morning, marking the first day... Wait, there's no sun? How did that happen?
6. God said, “Let there be an expanse in the middle of the waters so it separates the water on the big empty blob from the non existent water that is beyond the air...”
7. So God made made the expanse that separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. It was so, because I just said it was. I figured you needed the recap right after the sentence.
8. God brilliantly called the expanse “sky.” Again came that weird evening/morning sequence without the sun again marking a second day.
9. God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place and let dry ground appear.” It would have been so, but apparently some of the water didn't wanna be with the other water so they formed lakes, ponds and inland seas and such in spite of the commands of the almighty.
10. God called the dry ground “land” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” The lakes, ponds, and inland seas named themselves because they didn't care what God said anyway. God saw that it was good because again he wasn't too sure about how this creation thing would turn out it being his first and only attempt and all.
11. God said, “Let the lad produce vegetation: plants yielding seeds according to their kinds, and trees bearing fruit with seeds in it according to their kinds.” It was so, with the exception to the tomatoes. No tree wanted to bear it as a fruit so it just made itself a plant instead forever creating the debate of fruit or vegetable.
12. The land produced vegetation – plants yielding seeds according to their kinds, and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. Even the stalks bearing tomatoes as it had wished. God saw that it was good and was starting to feel like maybe he shouldn't be so unsure of himself because he was a perfect being after all.
13. There was another sunless evening, and morning for a third day.
14. God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night even though he himself had done that three days ago, and let them be signs to indicate seasons and days and years, despite the fact he had already indicated days by an evening and morning without them
15. and let them serve as lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth.” It was so....ish
16. God made two great lights – the sun to rule over the day and the lesser light to rule over the night even though he didn't realize it simply reflected the light from the sun, would be visible during the day at time, and would also not be visible at all, day or night, at times. He made the stars also.
17. God placed the lights in the expanse of the sky to shine on the earth, it didn't matter that all but a few stars were completely invisible to the earth because of their distance,
18. to preside over the day and the night, and to separate the light from the darkness because he was tired of doing it himself. God saw that this also was good and gave himself a little self congratulatory pat on the back because so far he had made everything good.
19. There was evening, and there was morning, a fourth day. This time with the sun.
20. God said, “Let the water swarm with swarms of living creatures and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky.”
21. God created the great sea creatures and every living and moving thing which the water swarmed, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. God again had to double check that is was good.
22. God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds multiply on the earth.”
23. There was evening, and there was morning, a fifth day...or second day really, but who is really keeping track right?
24. God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: cattle, creeping things, and wild animals, each according to its kind.” It was so. Especially those creeping things, whatever that is supposed to mean.
25. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the cattle according to their kinds and all the creatures that creep along the ground according to their kinds. So THATS what he meant by creeping things... Does that include the wild animals that creep along the ground? Maybe not. God saw that it was good enough, but neglected to note that a lot of the creatures were very hostile towards one another and even that some were very harmful to others in the way of poisons and venom.
26. Then God said, “Let us make humankind in OUR image, after OUR likeness, so they may rule over the fish of the sea, not the sea mammals, and the birds of the air, not the flightless ones of course, over the cattle and over all the earth... except those places where they cannot live naturally of course.” The being he spoke to replied, “Sounds good to me.”
27. God created humankind in his own image completely ignoring the other entity that he had previously addressed and promised to make in both their images... it was probably horrid anyway, in the image of God he created them....yeah, I got that the first time.., male and female he created them. Really? Male and female?! Amazing breakthrough he should go back and do that to all the land, sea and air creatures since he didn't the first time! But, he never did... they just kinda figured it out and fixed themselves. A few didn't care either way and became the first homosexual creatures.
28. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply! Fill the earth and subdue it! Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and every creature that moves on the ground.” The humans looked about and asked, “What about the mammals of the sea, the birds of the ground and the creatures of the ground that fly?” God ignored the question because it made sense.
29. Then God said, “I now give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the entire earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.
30. And to all the animals of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to all the creatures that move on the ground- everything that has the breath of life in it- I give every green plant for food.” It was so or so God thought. The man took a berry from a near by bush and became pale with illness and vomited. The fish of the sea had to resort to eating each other and just about anything they could fit in their mouths because God hadn't made green plants for them to eat. Later on, some grass decided to grow under the waters to help provide food for the fish of the sea.... sea mammals were just screwed.
31. God saw all that he had made, except the fish of the sea because some were too deep in the depths for the light from his sun to penetrate and allow him to see- and it was very good!.... minus the vomit from the man and the differing living creatures eating each other for lack of liking the green plants, but God didn't care. He was perfect and the humans would just believe he meant it to be that way no matter what this silly story says and yet they'd still defend it anyway. There was evening, and there was morning, the third day... or sixth, whatever. Not my fault some of this crap gets confusing.
Chapter 2
1. The heavens and the earth were completed with everything that was in them and no meteor hitting the earth ever changed it in any way because it was already complete... so there!
2. By the fourth, oops, seventh day God finished the work that he had been doing, and he ceased on the seventh day all the work that he had been doing... I'd hope he'd cease the work he was doing if he finished it... Why did it take an omnipotent, omnipresent being seven days to make all this anyway?
3. God blessed the seventh day and made it holy because on it he ceased all the work that he had been doing in creation. That's right, take a break perfect God from the long hard creation of the earth, the universe was easy, but the earth took it out of you.
4. This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created – when the Lord God made the earth and heavens. That's right, here we go again, because the screwed up story you just read wasn't confusing and wrong enough he has to develop a second one to try to fix some of the questions from the first, but only create more because as a perfect being he is completely incapable of making something perfect and right the first time.
5. Now no shrub of the field had yet grown on the earth, and no plant of the field had yet sprouted, for the Lord God had not caused it to rain on the earth because having only created the sun a few days ago and it hadn't caused enough water to evaporate in order for it to rain, and there was no man to cultivate the ground because the first one got sick and died from eating the berry from a poisonous bush due to God's oversight in making plants that allowed some to be poisonous apparently.
6. Springs would well up from the earth and water the whole surface of the ground. The lakes, inland seas, and ponds were very happy about this because now they could visit each other.
7. The Lord God formed the man from the soil of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. This time he must have made it in the image of the other being he spoke about when he said 'our' before because he didn't even want to mention it this time.
8. The Lord God planted an orchard in the east, in Eden; and there he placed the man he had formed. The first woman and the original man were completely forgotten by this point because well, the man was dead and women don't matter anyway... That will be more obvious later on.
9. The Lord God, again, made all kinds of trees grow from the soil, every tree that was pleasing to look at and good for food and those that weren't, but that's not important at all. ( Now the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil were in the middle of the orchard. Watch out for these two. They are apparently the two trees God definitely shouldn't have made.)
10. Now a river flows from Eden to water the orchard, and from there it divides into four head-streams.
11. The name of the first is Pishon; it runs through the entire land of Havilah, where there is Gold. God made sure that it was known he had specially made Gold in secret and skipped it in his open creation story because it is precious to him even though he is perfect and can have whatever he wants and create or destroy at will.
12. (The gold of that land is pure; pearls and lapis lazuli are also there). God had to brag a bit about his gold he created.
13. The name of the second river is Gihon; it runs through the entire land of Cush.
14. The name of the third river is Tigris; it runs along the east side of Assyria. The fourth river is the Euphrates. The Euphrates needs no description.
15. The Lord God took the man and placed him in the orchard in Eden to care for it and to maintain it.
16. Then the Lord God commanded the man, “You may freely eat fruit from every tree of the orchard,
17. but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will surely die.” Man spoke up, “But if I would surely die, why would you put it in the orchard with the others?”
18. The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I know this because I created man and woman earlier and it seemed brilliant. I will make a companion for him who corresponds to him.”
19. The Lord God formed out of the ground every living animal of the field and every bird of the air, again, because he decided the ones earlier needed to be expanded upon. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them, and whatever the man called each living creature, that was it's name. God was glad to let man name all the animals because he himself lacked creativity in the first place.
20. So the man named all the animals, the birds of the air, and the living creatures of the field, but Adam found no companion who corresponded to him was found. Although, the sheep and goat were pretty hard for him to pass up.
21. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep, it was not because he had given his all to the sheep and goat either, and while he was asleep, he took part of the man's side and closed up the place with flesh also replacing the part he took.
22. Then the Lord God made a woman from the part he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
23. Then the man said, “This one at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called 'woman', for she was taken out of man.” God shook his head, “Good work Adam, just about every creature has bones like you and several have flesh like you, but I don't expect you to know that, you're inferior. Not to mention I called her woman already so you will NOT get credit for that one! I'm also curious how did you know she was taken out of you... I'm pretty sure you were unconscious, but whatever.”
24. That is why a man leaves his father and mother and unites with his wife, and they become a new family. Then they get a divorce half of the time and go make separate families with others.
25. The man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed although, the woman saw the woman from earlier and was immediately jealous of her.
Chapter 3
1. Now the serpent was more shrewd than any of the wild animals that the Lord God had made, just don't tell any dolphins or wolves that. He said to the woman, “Is it really true that God said, 'You must not eat from any tree of the orchard'?”
2. The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit from the trees of the orchard;
3. but concerning the fruit of the tree that is in the middle of the orchard God said, 'You must not eat from it, and you must not touch it, or else you will die.'”
4. The serpent said to the woman, “Surely you will not die,
5. for God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will open and you will be like divine beings who know good and evil. I know this as surely as I am a talking snake with limbs to walk on. Don't worry about the fact that I talk, I'm gifted.”
6. When the woman saw that the tree produced fruit that was good for food as opposed to some of the other plants God said they could eat from, was attractive to the eye, and was desirable for making one wise, she took some of its fruit and ate it. She also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate it without so much as a word against it.
7. Then the eyes of both of them opened, they had been going about with them closed before, and they knew they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Thus sewing was invented.
8. Then man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God moving about in the orchard at the breezy time of the day, and they hid from the all knowing Lord God among the trees of the orchard.
9. The all knowing Lord God could not find them and knew not where they were so he called out to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”
10. The man replied, “I heard you moving about in the orchard because you were talking to another being, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.”
11. And the Lord God said, “Who told you that you were naked? You're wearing fig leaves, that negates nakedness. Did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from? Because you know I'm all knowing and wouldn't ask otherwise.”
12. The Man said, “The woman whom you gave me, she gave me some fruit from the tree and I at e it.” The woman replied, “You didn't argue against it!” But it was too late. She was to blame for all that followed.
13. So the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” And the woman replied, “You don't already know? The serpent tricked me, and I ate.”
14. The Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, cursed are you above all the wild beasts and all the living creatures of the field! On your belly you will crawl and dust you will eat all the days of your life.
15. And I will put hostility between you and the woman and between your offspring and her offspring; her offspring will attack your head, and you will attack her offspring's heel.” The serpent nodded, “At least I am unique to those lizards now, Can I have venomous fangs to attack her offspring with?” God granted some, but not all, of his offspring such.
16. To the woman he said, “I will greatly increase your labor pains;with pain you will give birth to children.” Woman interjected, “What's labor? What are children?” God continued, “You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you because he is bigger, stronger and smarter than you.” “Then he would have stopped me from eating the fruit.” She retorted.
17. But to Adam he said, “Because you obeyed your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not...' “ “ I get the idea about the tree already...” The man murmured. God continued, “cursed is the ground thanks to you; in painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.” Man spoke up again, “Eating fruit from a tree cursed the ground? Or did you as punishment? Either way it seems a little extreme to punish all that may come after me.”
18. God Continued, “It will produce thorns and thistles for you, but you will eat the grain of the field.” “Oh, come on!” Man exclaimed.
19. “By the sweat of your brow you will eat food until you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you will return.”
20. The man named his wife Eve because previously she was just woman. Oh! And she was the mother of all the living... Except the woman that remained from before she had glimpsed. Thankfully for her Adam had not seen the busty naked woman.
21. The Lord God made garments from skin he materialized out of thin air for Adam and his wife, and clothed them. Man and Woman were grateful because the workmanship of their fig leaves was lacking anyway.
22. And the Lord God said, “Now that man has become like one of us,” Both man and woman interjected, “Us who?” “knowing good and evil, he must not be allowed to stretch out his hand and take also from the tree of life and east, and live forever. Because it's bad enough he has knowledge at all.” Adam looked at his clothes and shook his head in grief, “Wait, wait, wait! I didn't have to eat before? And while I was risking the poisonous fruits I could have lived forever the whole time if I just ate from the other tree over there?!” The Lord God replied, “Basically!” Both man and woman exclaimed again, “You created all this and have knowledge of all things to come forever and you didn't stop it?!” “Nope!” came the reply of the Lord God.
23. So the Lord God expelled him from the orchard in Eden to cultivate the ground from which he had been taken.
24. When he drove man out, he placed on the eastern side of the orchard in Eden angelic sentries who used the flame of whirling sword to guard the way to the tree of life.
Chapter 4
1. Now the man had marital relations with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain because it's just that quick and easy really. The she said, “ I have created a man just as the Lord did! Better even, because he is not of dust.”
2. Then she gave birth to his brother Abel, this time without the marital relations, miracle birth? Nope. Abel took care of the flocks, while Cain cultivated the ground.
3. At the unspecified but designated time Cain brought some of the fruit of the ground for an offering to the Lord.
4. But Abel brought some of the firstborn of his flock – even the fattest of them. And the Lord was pleased with Abel and his offering, because it promised to be a bloody tribute and God had a good feeling he'd fall in love with the sight of blood in his name.
5. But with Cain and his offering he was not pleased despite Cain's efforts. So Cain became very angry, and his expression downcast.
6. Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why is your expression downcast?
7. Is it not true that if you do what is right, you will be fine? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door. It desires to dominate you, but you must subdue it.” “I did nothing wrong! I brought my best fruits in offering. Maybe if I had fruits that spewed blood you'd be pleased?” Cain replied.
8. Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let's go out to the field.” While they were in the field and apparently out of the all seeing sight of the Lord, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him. Hoping God would like this bloody tribute at least as much as the ones of Abel's flock.
9. Then the Lord said to Cain, “ Where is your brother Abel?” and he replied “ I don't know! Am I my brother's guardian?”
10. But the Lord said, “What have you done? The voice of your brother's blood is crying out to me from the ground like that of his flock in offering!
11. So now, you are banished from the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand.” “It's delicious, by the way.” The ground interjected.
12. When you try to cultivate the ground it will no longer yield its best of you, even though I already punished all mankind like this with your father. You will be a homeless wanderer on the earth.”
13. Then Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is too great too endure!
14. Look! You are driving me off the land today, and I must hide from your presence, thankfully my father showed me how. I will be a homeless wanderer on the earth; whoever finds me will kill me because I know about the first woman and she it out there somewhere...”
15. But the Lord said to him, “All right then, if anyone kills Cain, Cain will be avenged seven times as much.” Then the Lord put a special mark on Cain so that no one who found him would strike him down.
16. So Cain went out of the presence of the Lord and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
17. Cain had marital relations with his wife, whom could only be the original woman by default, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. Cain was building a city, and he named the city after his son Enoch. The city's population was only three, but a city none the less.
18. To Enoch was born Irad without a mother, and Irad was the father of Mehujael again without a mother, Mehujael was the father of Methushael, no mother required here either, and Methusael was the father of Lamech.
19. Lamech took two wives for himself from where we can only guess his own unnamed female relatives; the name of the first was Adah and the name of the second was Zillah.
20. Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the first of those who live in tents and keep livestock. Before that everyone slept in the open during all types of weather and had no clue how Abel had kept a flock.
21. The name of his brother was Jubal; he was the first of all who play the harp and the flute. Everyone called him an artist and he enjoyed his invention of music with no help from the Lord because Cain and all of his descendents lived out of the presence of the Lord.
22. Now Zillah also gave birth to Tubal-Cain, who heated metal and shaped all kinds of tools made of bronze and iron. Good thing he came around because all the work everyone had done with their bare hands was really getting old. The sister od Tubal-Cain was Naamah.
23. Lemech said to his wives, “Adah and Zillah! Listen to me! You wives of Lamech, hear my words! Are you listening? Hearing my words too? I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for hurting me. A male youth for causing physical harm to me, get the idea yet?
24. If Cain is to be avenged seven times as much, then Lamech seventy-seven times!” “But wouldn't it be seven times the seven original times? You know, forty-nine times?” Adah asked. “Don't be silly, wife of Lamech! Don't be so foolish as to think a woman can do math! I have done a deed ten times worse than Cain's, a deed ten times worse than killing Abel, so seventy-seven it is!” Lamech replied to his wife.
25. And Adam had marital relations with his wife again for the first time since they conceived Cain and Abel, whom were conceived at one time, but born at separate times, and she gave birth to a son. She named him Seth, “God has given me another child in place of Abel because Cain killed him. So glad God made children replaceable commodities!”
26. And a son was also born to Seth with no wife, whom he named Enosh. At that time people began to Worship the Lord. Except for Cain and his clan because they were out of the Lord's presence and didn't want to be found by him.
Chapter 5
1. This is the record of the family line of Adam, minus Abel, Cain, and his family line. When God created humankind, he made them in the likeness of God then made them again in the image of the other being he referred to when he said 'our'.
2. He created them male and female, twice; and they were created, he blessed them and named them “humankind.”
3. When Adam had lived 130 years, no telling how long since his supposed instant death from eating the fruit of the the tree of knowledge of good and evil, he fathered a son in his own likeness, according to his image and he named him Seth.
4. The length of time Adam lived after he became the father of Seth was 800 years; during this time he had other sons and daughters whom got together and had children of their own down this line, but they didn't count.
5. The entire lifetime of Adam was 930 years, and then he died having proven the Lord wrong in his initial commandment not to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil or he would surely die.
6. When Seth had lived 105 years, he became the father of Enosh.
7. Seth lived 807 years after he became the father of Enosh, and he had other sons and daughters who had to have married and mated in order to populate the world, but still the family tree hasn't forked.
8. The entire lifetime of Seth was 912 years, and then he died. Poor Eve, having to watch her youngest son die seven years after her husband or did she die when Adam did? Guess we'll never know
9. When Enosh had lived 90 years, he became the father of Kenan. He also won the youngest eldest child to reach fatherhood award.
10. Enosh lived 815 years after he became the father of Kenan, and he had other sons and daughters that had sons and daughters with Seth's sons and daughters and each other keeping the family tree straight and narrow.
11. The entire lifetime of Enosh was 905 years, and then he died.
12. When Kenan had lived 70 years he became the father of Mahalaleel. Officially taking his fathers award.
13. Kenan lived 840 years after he became the father of Mahalaleel, and he had other sons and daughters that had sons and daughters with the sons and daughters of Enosh and Seth and each other as well. After all there weren't yet enough people to let incest get in the way of a good time.
14. The Entire life of Kenan was 910 years, and then he died.
15. When Mahalaleel had lived 65 years, he became the father of Jared and obtained the award of his father and grandfather.
16. Mahalaleel lived 830 years after he became the father of Jared, and he had other sons and daughters who had sons and daughters with the sons and daughters of Kenan, Enosh, and Seth's sons and daughters of their sons and daughters.
17. The entire lifetime of Mahalaleel was 895 years and then he died.
18. When Jared had lived 162 years, he became the father of Enoch not knowing the name was already taken by his cousin.
19. Jared lived 800 years after he became the father of Enoch, and he had other sons and daughters, which you know by now mated with all the others sons and daughters of the sons of daughters and some with the sons and daughters of those sons and daughters.
20. The entire lifetime of Jared was 962 years and then he died.
21. When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. Just missing the award his ancestors had received by mere months.
22. After he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked with God for 300 years, and he had other sons and daughters who again mated with the sons and daughters so on and so on.
23. The entire lifetime of Enoch was 365 years.
24. Enoch walked with God, and then he disappeared because God took him away. Effectively proving walking with god shortens your lifespan dramatically.
25. When Methuselah had lived 187 years, he became the father of Lamech.
26. Methuselah lived 782 years after he became the father of Lamech, and he had other sons and daughters that did exactly what all the sons and daughters before them did.
27. The entire lifetime of Methuselah was 969 years, and then he died. He was posthumously awarded the oldest human in known history even though it never happened.
28. When Lamech, not to be confused with his cousin through Cain, had lived 182 years, he had a son.
29. He named him Noah, saying, “This one will bring us comfort from our labor and from the painful toil of our hands because of the ground that the Lord has cursed.”
30. Lamech lived 595 years after he became the father of Noah, and he had other sons and daughters whom all had sons and daughters with the sons and daughters of Methuselah, the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of Enoch, the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of Jared, the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of Mahalaleel, the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of Kenan, the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of Enosh, the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of Seth, and the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of the sons and daughters of Adam. Not a single split in the tree at all!
31. The entire lifetime of Lamech was 777 years, and then he died.
32. After Noah was 500 years old, he became the father of Shem, Ham, and Japheth. God Graced the three sons of Noah with only being in the womb 3 months each so they could all be in the same year.