All I Want
By Josh M.
Intro
My name is Josh. This is a short story featuring portions of my life that have led me to be where, and who I am today. It is not an autobiography, for it is not my life story, rather it's just some of the thoughts, events, and feelings that are relevant in the telling of the narrative of the shaping of my relationship with the love of my life.
I would like to dedicate this to her:
Vanessa you are more than just my wife and life-mate. You are the mother of my children, my best friend, my lover, my motivation, as well as my inspiration. You make me want more for myself and our family, to do and to be more. I will love you always, and am eternally yours.
Just A Crush
This Story begins in 1996. I was just a teenager, 15 to be exact, when my older sister, Connie, brought home a friend she had met at the restaurant where she worked and introduced her to me. The restaurant was Carrow's, a place that I would later work as well. Connie was just dropping in to say hi before her shift that night.
Oh her friend, Vanessa, "She is gorgeous!" I thought. But there wasn't much more than the introduction at the time. The meeting was brief, after Connie introduced her they left for work. Over the following months I would would see her several more times. And with each time I saw her, my fondness for her grew and grew. Her sweet sounding voice, her beautiful curly blonde hair, her big beautiful lips, and yes I'm a man, so I couldn't help but notice her wonderful curves.
Months later when I turned 16, and was legally old enough to work, my sister got me a job at Carrows as a dishwasher. To me it was just a job, a way for me to get out of the house and make some money. Ever since my brother had gotten his job a year earlier I had wanted the same thing for myself.
But little did I know that this job would be the start of something incredible, because Vanessa worked there too. And I really hadn't thought of that, but it would be the best thing that ever happened to me. She was a waitress, a damned good one, and I was the little brother type dishwasher. Whenever I worked with her I would look forward to when she would walk past the dish pit and give me a big pretty smile. Her smile is so precious, it could lift the spirits of the saddest, most depressed person you could find. I still feel that way every time she smiles at me.
We would talk and chit chat about little things. She had a son, Andrew, he was just a baby, the same age as my nephews. Both of my sisters, Connie and Jennifer, had sons a couple of weeks apart. And they, along with another waitress from Carrow's, and part of their circle of friends, Dawn, all had sons the same age, so they started to click together in their off time. We would talk about Andrew, my nephews, and Dawn's son among other things. She was engaged to her son's father, Andrew Senior. I hadn't met him yet but when I did, and after talking to her and my sisters about him, I realized what a douchebag he was.
Also in our talks I found out not only was she beautiful, but she was the sweetest, nicest person I had ever met. And that she was smart, and funny too. Vanessa has a sense of humor on the same level as mine, which made her even more desirable in my eyes. She was very athletic, which I absolutely adored because I love sports, both playing and watching. She had a scholarship to a university up north to play volleyball, but an injury had caused her to lose her scholarship. "Damaged goods" is what they referred to her as. I was appalled that anyone could say something so cruel to one of the nicest individuals you could ever meet. I wanted to strangle whomever it was that said that to her. Of course I felt sorry for her because of her bad luck, but if she hadn't hurt her knee, then she never would have stayed and found work at Carrow's, and we might have never met.
Eventually Vanessa and her fiancé would split up because of the fact that he was such a douchebag, and a deadbeat dad. Although I felt horrible because I did not want her to ever feel an ounce of sadness, secretly it made me happy. The crush began to grow. I would take every chance I could to talk to her. Even to the point of getting in trouble with the managers because I was not working. I would come up from behind her and rub her shoulders. Any excuse I could get to touch her I took full advantage of, even if it was just sliding past her to get by, I would reach out with my hand and gently slide it across her back. I remember one night I went out with her and Connie to what is now one of our favorite places to eat, LA Bella's Pizzaria. But at the time I had never been there before. She introduced me to it, and I noticed just how much this girl liked to eat. Not in a bad way mind you, some shallow men might be turned off by a woman that loves food, but not me! I love food just as much, and admired her for not being embarrassed to show her fondness for eating. Her inviting me to join them really made my day.
I was seeing her regularly, at work and at my sisters' houses. I loved every minute of my time with her, and still do, but at the same time was somewhat depressed because I was still just a little brother type. And to hear her say that to me made me incredibly sad. I was 16 and she was 21, separated by only five years, which isn't much, but at that time was a big difference. Not only was I not 18, but I was not 21 which would've made me old enough to go to bars and clubs with her. That I couldn't go with her really highlighted the fact that I was too young for her.
There was that one time at the employee Christmas party though. It was at a bar and I paid the guy at the door ten dollars to let me in, and promised him that I wouldn't drink. That's not what I was interested in that night. As I walked over towards the Carrow's crowd, all of them looking pretty buzzed already, and I immediately scoured the room for her. And there she was, dressed up all cute and pretty for a night out, with that vintage smile draped across her gorgeous face. It brought a smile to mine of course. How could it not?
"This is the girl I want!" I thought.
So what if she has a child? I had spent a lot of time with her son, and loved Andrew almost as much as my own nephews. Girl?? Forget that, she was a woman! Not one of the stupid, immature little girls my age, from my school.
"They aren't what I want." I thought. "She is."
I walked over to say hi to everyone. Dawn was there and made a drunken comment about the girl I had showed up with. Lindsey, a friend of mine, who was a hostess at Carrow's, that I also went to school with.
"Is Lindsey your date!?" Dawn said in her intoxicated state.
"No" I replied "haha."
There was only one woman that I had feelings for, and she was getting ready to go out on the dance floor. Vanessa looked over, noticing me, and then surprised to see me, ran over and gave me a big hug. It practically melted my heart. Her touch can do that. I still feel that way eighteen years later. She told me she thought it was awesome that I came, then grabbed my hand, and pulled me onto the dance floor. It was a Mexican bar, so there was a mariachi band playing, and although I couldn't dance, the pace of the rhythm made it pretty easy to move to. She was pretty buzzed as well, so she was very aggressive in pulling me around in her dancing. But it didn't bother me, it just made me like her even more. What a great personality she has, there isn't any aspect of it I dislike.
"She's so much fun" I thought.
That was basically the highlight of the night, but it's one that I will always remember.
And so it went on like that pretty much the whole time I worked at Carrow's. I would playfully flirt, she would smile and humor me. Eventually I lost that job because I dropped out of high school and no longer had the workers permit needed to continue my employment. I hadn't thought of that in my foolish decision to leave school. Dropping out is a mistake I still regret to this day. But I could still see her whenever she brought Andrew over to play with my nephews. I was so lucky that her and my sisters were becoming such close friends. It gave me the opportunity to keep seeing her almost every day. But as time went on it became more obvious that she wasn't seeing me the same way I saw her. And that was a mortifying reality I would have to come to terms to.
Trying To Move On
After my time at Carrows ended, I got a job as a busser for a restaurant called Le Meridian. It was a good job, Le Meridian was a four star hotel, with four and five star restaurants. Because of that I made pretty good tips. 50 to 60 dollars a night during the week, and even more on weekends. Not bad for a 17 year old kid.
Because of the reality that my crush could only remain as such, I began to explore other options. There was Anna, a hostess at the restaurant I worked, which was called Lescale. In case you couldn't tell, Les Meridien was a French hotel. One of three locations: Coronado Island, New Orleans, and Paris. Anna was cute, nice, and funny just like Vanessa, although not nearly as sweet. Again there was a problem. By this time I was 17 almost 18, but Anna was 21. She loved nothing more then going out to bars and clubs, once again I was not old enough to join in. A serious problem considering that's all she wanted to do in her social life. I mean pretty much everyone that's 21 is going to be doing that sort of thing. So once again I would fight an uphill battle that would be very difficult to win.
Anna went to school at San Diego State, and was majoring in music. She played the piano beautifully and had a bright future ahead of her. Sometimes she would play the piano in the bar, and we would all sit and listen. I was definitely attracted to her even more because of her talent. I found myself repeating an old pattern in flirting with her during work hours, and neglecting my duties. Once again my managers took exception to this, and since I was a busser and it affected my tables, so did my servers. But that was the least of my concerns, all I cared about was filling this empty hole inside of me, left by my crush on Vanessa. I cared that deeply for her, and although I didn't realize it at the time, I think it put me subconsciously on a mission to find someone, if only to help get over her.
And I wasn't the only one in the hotel that liked Anna. Oh no, there were many others pursuing her. But I felt like I had the advantage. After all I worked very closely with her, spent a lot of time flirting with her at the podium, and even got her to give me her number. Plus I was friends with all her bar buddies that also worked in Lescale. Sometimes we would all get together during the day and hang out. Whether it was getting something to eat, doing something athletic, or just kicking back at one of their houses. I was the kid of the group, as always. Even in high school it was like that. As a freshman practically all of my friends were juniors and seniors, and I never really seemed to be attracted to girls my own age.
I felt I was getting somewhere with Anna though, and on Valentines Day I spent 75 dollars on a beautiful bouquet of roses for her. I was much less subtle in my intentions with her. I wanted her to know exactly how I felt so I wouldn't make the same mistake I made with Vanessa. She was extremely moved with my gift and even gave me a kiss. Still the age difference was a problem.
We had talked openly about it before, and I tried to convince her that it was no big deal, that if she wanted to party with me, we could always go to Tijuana, or just buy a bottle and kick it with our friends. She didn't respond as I would have liked to that, especially the Tijuana part. It was obvious that clubbing, in America, was important to her. There was that, and other things that made us less compatible. Where I was from for one, a little less classy neighborhood I'll call it. She was scared to come down to my part of town, which I thought was ridiculous. I know where I'm from is a little ghetto, but it isn't exactly Crenshaw Boulevard. I kind of resented her for that, and for not wanting to meet my friends. So needless to say that relationship never bared fruit.
Then there was Sarah, a girl I met online that lived in Tennessee. I met her in a chatroom and we hit it off right away, and she was only ONE year older than me. But she lived 1,500 miles away. A long distance relationship, something I wouldn't recommend to anyone. We chatted online, talked on the phone, and sent each other pictures. After a while, I found myself thinking that I was in love with her.
One afternoon I was on the phone with her when Vanessa pulled up in the driveway. I had told her about Sarah, and when she realized who I was talking to, took the phone away from me and began to tell her what a great catch I was. How I was so sweet, funny, and just an all around good guy. And I remember thinking "If you really believe that then why not be with me?!" But the fact remained that she didn't look at me that way. I was like her little brother, and to this day I don't know if she even considered being romantic with me during that time.
When Vanessa was finished talking me up, she handed the phone back and gave me a little wink with a smile. And even though I was on the phone with "my love", Sarah had told me she loved me and wanted to be with me somehow, I couldn't stop those old feelings from surfacing. But I quickly pushed them back down, because it is far too painful to dwell on someone you can't have. After all I had Sarah now, and we were making plans to meet. Our long distance relationship continued on for about five more months. I finally felt happy.
Until one day when I called her just to say hi, and tell her I was thinking about her. Something was different. I could hear in her voice that she seemed upset. So of course being concerned, I asked her what was wrong.
I could tell that she had started crying a little, so even more concerned I asked her again.
With all the thoughts that passed through my mind: Are her parents ok? Her friends? Her pets? Her job maybe? Had someone hurt her?? None of those even came close.
It was the last thing I ever expected.
"I went over to my friend Jeremy's house today."
"Yeah..." I said.
Thinking that maybe I was gonna have to jump a plane, or hitchhike across America to go beat Jeremy's fucking ass. He had to of done something unspeakable to her. He just had to of!
She continued "I just went over because we were supposed to meet up with friends, and I was going to give him a ride."
"OK, well what happened?"
He was one of several people in her circle of friends, so I never felt worried about her with him. Had I made a mistake?
"I was just sitting on his bed waiting for him to get ready, he was in the shower..."
As my heart sunk deep into my chest I heard the rest.
"I fucked him baby, I'm so sorry!!" She cried.
To say that I was speechless is an understatement. I just sat there a few seconds listening to her cry as the phone began to fall slowly away from my ear. Before I knew it, it had dropped all the way down to my bed, which I was sitting on. I could still hear hear crying as I hung the phone up.
"What do I do now?" Was all I could think.
I was crushed, devastated, betrayed, I felt humiliated.
"How could she do this to me?"
"How could she hurt me like this?"
Those types of questions going through my head for days, and seemed endless.
She called me numerous times for almost a week, and left me countless messages on my pager. I really didn't know what to say to her. Do I forgive her? After all I hadn't really made an effort to go out there and see her. Maybe it was my fault.
"I didn't give her what she needed" I thought.
But that's how victims think when they've been hurt. They blame themselves. After talking to her a couple of times, and trying to push the hurt away, what I was thinking finally came out of my mouth.
"I want you to send me my ring back." I told her.
I just couldn't do it anymore. This wasn't going to work. Maybe if we were actually, physically, together it might, but that just wasn't possible.
She cried and cried, and practically begged me to reconsider. To give her another chance. She told me that it was a terrible mistake that she wished she could take back. But it couldn't be taken back. She swore it would never happen again.
"You're right" I said. "It won't."
The conversation went on a little longer, but I eventually forced it to a close. I told her I'd send back her pictures, which I later burned, and never stopped crying. But it was over, and I never spoke to her again, despite all the messages. After a while I sold my pager to a stranger not caring about all the shit messages he would have to deal with. And that was that.
After Sarah I decided I'd cool it with relationships for a while. The hurt was too much. I had let someone in more than ever before, and she made it to where I'd think twice before letting anyone get that close to me again. But it was for the best. What if we had actually gotten together and she cheated on me then? That would have been much worse. At least I found out her true colors before we got really serious.
Definitely More Than A Crush
About a year or so later I moved in with Connie and her boyfriend Eric. I was 18 and by then she had brought my niece into the world. Her name is Shelby, that made two kids now, to go along with her brother Eric junior. It was really nice of them to take me in, because I had lost my apartment since hours for my job weren't consistent enough for me to afford the rent. Well it was nice of my sister anyway. Eric is about as douchey as they come, and I know he didn't want me there. But my dad, who had moved to Alabama a few months beforehand, along with my older Brother Gabe, to be with my mom and younger brother Mathew, was in town and said that I could go back with him if I wanted to. So I decided that's what I would do. I didn't really want to, but I had nowhere else to go. So I quit my job and prepared to leave with my dad.
When Connie and Vanessa heard I was going to go with my dad, they started to talk me out of it right away. They told me how it would suck there, how I wouldn't be happy there, how I'd miss the kids, and how they would miss me. All of it I knew was true, but I really felt I had no other choice.
One day Vanessa and her friend Tiffany, another waitress from Carrow's who had been coming over to Connie's with her baby, were outside talking to me about leaving. Trying to get me to stay basically. They had resorted to offering me things to change my mind. Bribing me really! I can't remember most of what was offered, especially from Tiffany because I didn't take her serious anyway. Just that that she would get me a futon if I stayed.
What is most memorable is when Vanessa said
"I'll go out on a date with you."She then went on "And I'll act real slutty too and hold your hand and stuff." By the way Vanessa is not slutty in the least. It was a bit of humor that normally both of us would have enjoyed. She giggled with that pretty smile that I loved so much, but for the first time that I can remember, I didn't smile back. I just looked down at the ground with my arms folded. I didn't know what to say, and can't remember what my response was.
Why would she say that? She obviously knew about my crush on her, and I had made comments before about us going out. But why would I want to go out with her and have her pretend to be interested in me? Especially since I knew that it wouldn't lead to anything. "That's just torture!" I thought. Looking back, I should have taken her up on it. I mean who knows? Maybe it could have gone somewhere. But in retrospect, it doesn't matter because my day would come.
Like I said I don't remember my response to her offer, or exactly how the bribing conversation ended. Just that I told them that I would stay if Connie and Eric allowed me to move in on a more permanent basis. Later when Connie told me that she had discussed it with Eric and he had agreed to let me stay, reluctantly I'm sure, I decided not to leave. Connie said that if I watched the kids for her while she was at work, and helped around the house that I wouldn't even be required to pay them any rent. I thought that was a pretty sweet deal, so I accepted.
So here I was again, in position to see the woman of my dreams on practically a daily basis. My sisters and Vanessa still got together as much as possible to hang out and let all the kiddos play together.
It all came back. She is simply intoxicating. I couldn't wait for her to come over everyday, and was bummed on days where she didn't. My sister and her started working out using Tae Bo videos just about everyday. I would keep an eye on Eric, Shelby, and Andrew while they worked out. But mostly I kept my eye on you know who. I enjoyed that very much. Vanessa would dress in her workout clothes, usually shorts and a tank top. Wow was she sexy in them! Especially about halfway through the video when she would start to get all sweaty. The sweat glistened off of her beautiful tanned skin, and it really turned me on let me tell you.
After a few months of them working out she really got into shape. Not that I felt she was out of shape at all before, but having a child will make any woman put on a few extra pounds. But now those pounds were completely gone and she looked even more amazing. I didn't even think that was possible, and now I was physically attracted to her more than ever. When we would all go to the beach she would wear a bikini, WOW...just WOW! Sexy doesn't even come close to describing her. She would wear a string bikini top, and a conservative bottom. No thongs, she is a very classy lady. Just another reason for me to admire and respect her. The beach trips were always a great time for everybody.
After a while I think Eric got tired of my living rent free, and asked me if I'd like to go to work with him. He and his dad owned their own heating and air company. I said sure because I was tired of not having any money. Connie and Vanessa occasionally threw a few bucks my way for watching the kids, and always bought my food and cigarettes, but I needed money. Mostly so I could go places with my friends and not have to mooch off of them. So I started to learn the AC business. Eric paid me sparingly because I lived with him, but I understood and didn't complain. Eric was ,and still is, a jerk, but he had his good days and was cool sometimes. I liked working with him and his dad, Jim.
By this time Vanessa, who is indeed very smart and hard working, had been made a manager at Carrow's. She was and still is very good at what she does. That's just one example of how she inspires me to do and be more. She had cut her beautiful long hair short, and dyed it brown in an effort to look more professional. I couldn't tell her but I absolutely hated it. Her gorgeous hair was one of my favorite aspects of her appearance, but it didn't change the fact that I adored her...not a bit. Sometimes I would come in at night just to watch her work, and when they closed I would help anyway I could. Any reason to be with her is really what it was all about.
One night when I was there helping her, I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere with me the next night. But she told me that she couldn't because she had a date. Depression immediately took root, and I felt a deep sinking feeling in my stomach. Later I would meet this "date" that she would soon be seeing regularly.
His name was Wayne. A big guy who I thought was very unattractive. "What did she see in this guy?" I thought. He had his own business and made pretty good money. He exaggerated his earnings in my opinion. He told Vanessa that he would soon be a millionaire. "Pfff, sure!" It was a construction business, and not houses either. He built steel buildings for storage yards. The kind that you have to bolt together piece by piece. A good business but I don't believe he made as much money as he claimed.
They dated for a couple of months and were getting pretty serious. He seemed like a nice guy, but I was still so very jealous. It was getting so serious eventually he proposed to her. I was absolutely devastated. Because this was starting to be more than just a crush. I loved her by then. There is no worse feeling than loving someone who does not love you back. But since I was falling in love with her, I also wanted her to be happy, so I was very friendly with Wayne, and never did anything to dissuade her from her new found love.
Then one day Wayne asked me if I wanted to go to work with him. I think it was because Vanessa asked him to consider it. She's so sweet, always looking out for me. I know by this time even if it wasn't romantic, that she cared for me very much.
Wayne said that he had a job in Phoenix coming up. He did jobs all over the country he told me, and that was how he came to be in San Diego when he met Vanessa. I said sure, it sounded exciting. Working construction is a good gig, and traveling too? It was a great opportunity I thought. He said he'd get me a plane ticket to Phoenix and a big smile crept across my face. Vanessa started giggling at that, and then we all had a laugh. I'd never even been on a plane before, so I was thrilled with the news.
The day came for us to leave. We had a five AM flight, and Wayne's truck was already in Arizona, so Vanessa drove us to the airport. I did my best not to puke as she kissed Wayne goodbye, said my goodbye, and we were off. It was a short flight from San Diego to Phoenix, about 55 minutes. Wayne's truck was at the airport, so we drove straight to the site where his crew was already at work.
I liked the guys in his crew. There was Jim, an older guy who really knew his stuff, Steve, who was in his late thirties and fairly quiet. When he did speak though it was always something funny, and Tim, who was more my age, a year younger than me who I really clicked with.
They started showing me the ropes. The concrete slabs had already been laid, so we were assembling the steel A-frame structures. When we began lifting the sections into place so they could be bolted together, things got intense. The pace and the atmosphere. It was then that I learned something about good ol Wayne. His demeanor made a complete 180. He started screaming at all of us to tell us what do.
It wasn't just the volume of his voice that had me so shocked. He screamed the most obscene insults at us, even me, and I had just gotten there! I didn't know anything yet, and he was yelling at me like I was the biggest moron he'd ever met. Like I should already know what to do. He was a tyrant, and you could see it on the face of every member of the crew, they hated him with a passion. It was like that all day, everyday on this trip. It would have been a very nice gig if it wasn't for that ugly piece of crap.
Back at the hotel we all gathered at the pool, minus the asshole, to talk about how much we loathed Wayne. All of us speculated on how we could kill him, not seriously of course. It was then that I learned even more about Dwayne. Some very interesting stuff indeed. Apparently he spent most of his time and money on stripclubs and brothels. Jim told me that Wayne had often given him his money to hold so he wouldn't blow it all on his little habit, only to turn around and start kicking and screaming for Jim to give it back to him so he could get laid.
What a piece of garbage. Here I was, in love with his fiancé, and I had valuable info that I could use to maybe end his relationship. But it would also devastate Vanessa. And I couldn't prove it either, all I had was what Jim and the others had told me. I would have to wait and gather more Intel, and evidence. But by now, I knew that there was no way I was going to sit back and let this jerk end up with the most wonderful woman I'd ever met. It was different when I thought he was a good guy. They were so happy together, and I would have been a selfish, bitter prick trying to break them up. But now I had a damned good reason.
One night, after a brutal day on the job in the 110 degree Arizona summer, Wayne was complaining about his chest hurting. I honestly didn't give a rats ass after seeing him for who he truly was, but Vanessa asked me to take him to the emergency room. Man, that was one thing I really didn't want to do, but I could never say no to her. So even though I'd be waking up at four in the morning the next day so we could get an early start, before it really got hot, at eleven PM I found myself driving that dipshit to the ER. Then I had to sit in the lobby for almost three hours waiting for him.
I talked to Vanessa a couple of times to keep her updated. I remember being on the phone with her, she was so worried, and it made me angry because he didn't deserve such a loving, caring woman as MY Vanessa. In the end he was fine. I don't even remember the diagnosis, just that there was nothing wrong with him. He was just a big baby in my opinion. The next morning he slept in, and told me that I still had to start work at five like everybody else. "Thanks asshole." I thought to myself. When I told the rest of the crew that I was at the ER until after two in the morning with him, and that he told me to go to work while he slept, they weren't surprised at all. I wasn't either really. He showed up around lunchtime, fully rested. I don't think I've ever respected a person less, or had a lower opinion of anyone then Wayne.
Not too long after the Arizona job, there was another one near Reno, Nevada. We would drive this time, and I didn't want to miss an opportunity to get rid of this jerk. I was persistent in making small talk with him to let him think we were tight, close friends, just one of the guys. I also was sure to ask him if there were any strip clubs where we'd be going. He said there wasn't, but that we were in Nevada, and that "Whore houses were legal here!" I pretended to be excited about that, and asked him several questions about them. What they were like, how often he went to them, how much money he spent on them, so I could know what to expect.
He really was an idiot. Just because we were both guys I'm not going to say anything? Even though he had no idea about my feelings for Vanessa, I was still her friend. Because he thought we were friends, which was also stupid considering how he treated me during work hours, he thought that all guys would just stick together. Well he was dead wrong. We made plans for when the job was over to stop off at a brothel on the way back. He even went and got us a map of all the brothels in Nevada. Something I felt could be used as evidence.
I did the job, put up with his bullshit, trying my best not to hurt him, and told him on the way back that I didn't want to go to the brothel because I was exhausted, and wanted to save my money. But the fact that we had planned to go was big, because Vanessa would believe me I felt.
After I got home I was sitting with Eric and watching TV. I didn't want to be the one to break Vanessa's heart, I didn't want her heart to broken at all. But it had to be done. Even if she would never be with me, she deserved better than that disgusting, lying asshole. I knew if I told Eric loud enough for Connie to hear, she was in the other room, that she would come in and demand to know everything, and then tell her best friend what a piece of trash she was about to marry.
So I told Eric how Wayne went to strip clubs and brothels, and how he spent a small fortune at them. I'm pretty sure Connie stood listening in the hallway until I finished, because when I did she came out pretty quick to ask me what I was talking about. I told her everything, and showed her the map where he circled where we would be going. How HE suggested that we go, and it was obvious that his obsession was ongoing despite his engagement. Plus I told her what a tyrant he was at work, how everyone hated him, and no one had any respect for him. I told her to be sure and ask Vanessa if a man like that, who was hated and no one respected, is someone she wanted to be with, and to be a father to her son.
Of course Connie sat down and had her talk with my future wife, my secret love at the time. She was heartbroken as expected, and told Connie that she wanted to talk to me, but she never really did. I felt terrible because of the pain she must be going through, after all I had been through it myself. Not quite the same, but pain is pain, and knowing that she was hurting hurt me too. She confronted him about it, he confessed to some of it, denied parts of it and said he "Wanted to talk to me about it."
"Yeah sure buddy, you fucked up the best thing that ever happened to." I thought to myself. I had no intention of ever speaking to him again, and wouldn't have shed a tear if he got hit by a bus.
I was in the dark about how things went between them immediately following that. What I do know is that Vanessa and Connie drove to Arizona to talk to him. Why exactly they went all the way there I'm not entirely sure. I think Vanessa suspected something else. Its a good thing she did though, because when they got to his house, unexpectedly, they found his wife. Yes, his WIFE! The rabbit hole just goes deeper and deeper with this lowlife piece of trash.
Also, I learned later, Wayne had hired a private investigator to spy on Vanessa, and see what SHE was up to.He even had the phones at her parents house, where she was staying at the time, tapped. Can you believe that? He was the one cheating! What possible reason could he have had to suspect Vanessa of anything? I've known her a very long time, and she is a good girl. Cheating goes against every one of her principals. I can see no other reason for him doing this, other than that he had become paranoid. I guess that's what happens when you're guilty of something like that. Perhaps you start to think that if you are doing it, then there's an equal possibility that your partner might be doing it as well? I wouldn't know seeing as I'm not a douchebag.
And that was the end of Wayne, much to my delight. Not just because I could pursue Vanessa, but at least she wouldn't end up with him. "Anyone but him!" Is how I felt.
Hemlock
Well living with Connie and Eric had just about run it's course. Eric had stopped taking me to work with him, why I'll never know because he never feels like he has to explain himself. That was disappointing too, because I liked it, and I would miss working with Jim, Eric's father.
Jim was really nice to me, looked out for me, and taught me a lot. Not just about work either, but more about life then I felt my own father had taught me.
That's how I saw him, as a father figure. Many years later when Jim was dying of pancreatic cancer, I told him that, and that I loved, admired, and respected him. He told me that he was honored, and that he thought of me like a son. That meant worlds to me. Ending that conversation was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, because I knew when I hung up the phone, that it was the last time I would ever speak to him. Jim was in Vegas, I was in Fresno, and I couldn't make the trip to say it in person. Connie had told me that he was near the end, so I knew it was my final goodbye. I think about Jim a lot, and all he taught me. Sometimes I look at the picture I have of him in my hallway. It fills me with both happiness and sadness at the same time.
Living with Eric was tough. He was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and believe me when I say that is a dead on comparison. I felt less and less welcome there with him, so I decided to head out and see my family in Alabama.
"Just for a while." I thought. I definitely didn't want to make it a permanent move, because I'd miss everyone too much. Especially Vanessa, but I was still in the brother zone with her. I hadn't exactly given up on being with her, but I wasn't overly optimistic either. Sometimes I wonder what she might have said if I had told her just exactly how I felt about her. The crush she knew about, but I she didn't know how deeply I cared for her. I was a coward. Afraid of being rejected, of making things weird between us, and pushing her away.
So I left instead. My plan of a short stay, a couple of months maybe, didn't play out that way. I was still a kid, and didn't realize how hard it would be to come back. I was stuck there for almost an entire year. I missed everyone so much. The kids, my sisters, friends, home, and Vanessa. And to make it worse Alabama was the most boring place, to this day, I've ever lived.
But lucky for me my parents became homesick as well. My mom only moved there with my little brother to get away from my dad, and be with her family that she had hardly seen in the last 25 plus years. Also the separation between my mom and dad was not pleasant. Another reason why she moved so far way.
But they were back together, and ready to go home to San Diego. They missed everyone just as much as I did. So my dad and I drove back to get a place setup, while my mom stayed and kept working. I had just turned 20 when we arrived home to San Diego. We were staying with my oldest sister Jennifer, her husband Daniel, and son Daniel junior, until we could find a place of our own. I got a job almost immediately as a cook at a hamburger joint called Bol Weivel's, which is in the same strip mall as Carrow's. Vanessa still worked as a manager there. It was just a coincidence that I found work so close to hers, but I knew I'd be walking over there often to see her.
At the same time my dad found a place for us to live, Dawn and Vanessa had decided to become roomies and found a big house to rent. Much closer to home than the one my dad found. The apartment he picked was about a twenty minute drive away, compared to Dawn and Vanessa's being just a few minutes from my sisters' houses. So I asked them if they would consider letting me move in with them and sleep in one of their two living rooms. I promised to clean up after myself, and not make the room I slept in look like "my room". They agreed because they both love me! I'm a very likable person I've been told.
My move to the Hemlock house was on, Hemlock being the name of the street, and I was thrilled I wouldn't have to live with my parents anymore. I thought it would be awesome being literally so close to Vanessa. We were close, closer than ever actually. I would walk over to Carrow's and wait for her to get off of work, or she would lend me her car and I'd go home for a while, then return later to bring the car back. I'd help her close if I could, sometimes we'd go out afterwards and get something to eat. We'd share food and talk our normal talk.
One time I remember it was different from the "normal" talk. It was about sex, mostly my sex life. She'd never asked me about it before, but living with me it was more obvious that I didn't have one at all. So she asked me why. There had been opportunities with a few girls that she knew about, and some that she didn't, and she told me that my standards were too high. I didn't know how to tell her that she was the only girl that I wanted to do it with, and that's the truth. I just humored her, then changed the subject.
We were growing very close since we were living together. On her days off, since she was a good mother, she didn't leave to go party or anything like that. She just hung out at home, and I was right there with her most of the time. Our closeness was illustrated at dinner one night when, she knew that I didn't like raw onions and tomatoes, so she picked them out of my salad for me. A sweet thing to do I thought, and it gave me a warm feeling inside. There was also another time when were talking about something, I can't for the life of me remember what, I said what thought I should do, and she looked at me with a concerned look on her sweet face and said "But baby you...".
She stopped herself with a giggle and said "I just called you baby! It's like we're married!"
"That would be just fine with me!" I thought
I know it wasn't real, but it made me feel good, and put a big smile on my face.
At the time I was interested in becoming a masseuse, so Vanessa, and Dawn, said I could practice on them. It was a win win situation. I got to touch her, pathetic I know, and she got a relaxing massage. She always wore shorts and a bikini top, SEXY, so I had to try really hard, no pun intended, not to get too excited. THAT was difficult. At times I considered trying make it turn sexual, she didn't have a boyfriend, but once again I was scared of making things weird, being rejected and making her angry with me, thus pushing her away. Later she would tell me that she had often thought "What would I do if Josh made a move on me?" During one of the massages. She then added that she really didn't know she would have done. Maybe I should have. I probably should have. Another what if.
Things at Bol Weivel's were going great too. I had gotten pretty good at running that kitchen, so much so that I had gotten two raises. I liked pretty much all of my coworkers, and was friends with everyone, even the few I didn't like. I told you I'm very likable, even if I don't like you!
The company Christmas party was coming up, and I needed a date. I asked Vanessa and she said she'd love to go. It was at the restaurant, and the owner was opening up the kegs! Well not for me though, it would be another five months before I turned 21. Still, Vanessa was my date, which made me happy. We had a great time playing pool, introducing her to everyone, and just talking and laughing with everyone, as well as with each other. All the guys at my work knew I had two girls for roommates and they thought I was a stud for it. I let them believe that, but I never told any lies. Especially about Vanessa. I had too much respect for her to do that, even if she would never know. Yes it was another memorable Christmas party. I was in love, but she still didn't know.
Next there was a trip to Six Flags Magic Mountain my friends and I were planning. My friends David and Dustin both had girlfriends, David's girlfriend was Anna, and Dustin's was Stephanie, who was a server at Carrow's thanks to Vanessa. We all hung out a lot, and they even came over to party and drink with me, Nessa, and Dawn. I thought it was awesome that she got along with my friends. She can get along with just about anyone because she's so friendly, and there isn't a spec of snob on her.
So yet again I needed a date, and again Vanessa agreed to go.
"Yeah, that would be fun!" She said.
It was almost a three hour drive, so we would come up the night before and stay in a hotel, then drive home the next day. The night in the hotel was really fun. What I remember most is Vanessa bouncing on the bed like a trampoline. She had one at her parents house growing up, and she was athletic so she was good at it. She kept doing this bounce where she was in an Indian style position with her hands on her legs, and she would bounce high into the air frozen that way, with a goofy smile on her face. "She is so much fun." I remember thinking.
The next day at the park was a blast. She walked around with me all day, never leaving my side, except to use the restroom, and even held my hand. I think she didn't want me to feel like a fifth wheel, but I didn't care. It made me feel good, and I wasn't going to let a thing like reality ruin it. It felt like we were a couple. She didn't even check out other guys or anything, and there were plenty of them of course, as well as girls, but I didn't care about them. We rode all the rides, and played games too. It was just an all-around awesome day. Then I got to spend three hours talking to her on the ride home. Good stuff indeed.
So everything was great right? For a while I guess. But living with a girl you have feelings for, and not making a move can only lead to one thing. Heart break. That is when she brings someone else home. Talk about hurt, the level of sadness that put me through sent me crashing into depression. It happened a few times while I was there. Each time just as devastating. I even resented her for it. I wonder if she noticed a change in me after that. I've never spoken of it, I'd rather forget about it to be honest. Looking back now I don't blame her. I didn't make my feelings known, what did I expect would happen?
Well Hemlock was no longer the paradise I thought it was. So when Connie and Eric were looking to move, they asked if I'd like to move with them. Connie knew, somewhat, what I was going through, because I had talked to her about it. I didn't tell her how strong my feelings for Vanessa were, but I think she knew. She never told me I should do anything about it either, so being her best friend, I guess she felt that Nessa still wasn't interested in being romantic with me. That's what I got out of it anyway.
Things between Eric and I were a lot better too. It was always that way when he was Dr. Jekyll. So he said he'd get a place with an extra room for me. I hadn't had my own room in a couple of years, so that was just another reason to leave Hemlock. When I did leave I told myself that was it. No more Pursuing Vanessa, if you can call it that. It just wasn't going to happen. I pushed those feelings down as far as I could, and tried to get on with my life. If I found someone, great, but it was a priority no longer.
My Renaissance
So I was living with Connie and Eric again, but this time was different. I'd been invited not by my sister alone, but by Eric as well. Having my own room was big. I could finally have the privacy I hadn't had in a very long time. No more being woken up in the morning by traffic, or by Andrew and Chris, Dawn's son, watching cartoons in the morning.
I didn't have any furniture, so I had to go out and buy a bed. Connie gave me their old love seat, and Jim and his wife Debra got me a TV. Also I installed a new doorknob with a lock and key! "Ahhh..." Now I didn't have to worry about being barged in on. I could have friends over and wouldn't be bothered, wouldn't have to remain in the living room, leaving us free to do the sorts of things that young adults do. Smoke weed mostly, without bothering anyone.
Romantic interaction with the opposite sex was practically nonexistent. There was Nicole from work I had flirted with on occasion, but she had a boyfriend. She was a couple of years younger than me, she being 18 and me 21, and was really the epitome of why I didn't go for girls my own age or younger. An immature little game player that didn't even know what she wanted. She would flirt with me, then start talking about her boyfriend when I would flirt back, or at least when it started to get serious. That had been going on even while at Hemlock, but never went anywhere, and I mean ANYWHERE. So I never took her seriously.
Having a place to smoke also meant I would kick it with my homie Orabis more, seeing that's pretty much all he did. Orabis had worked with me for a while at Bol Weivel's, but had quit to take a job as a manager at a bagel shop. He came over often, and even started bringing two of his friends with him. Danny and Mario, Mots is what Mario went by. Danny and Mots would become two of my closest, life long, friends to this day. Especially Danny who I would consider my best friend, and was best man at my wedding.
Danny was actually a friend of my little brother Matt, everyone even himself refers to him as Twig. Twig and Danny were friends in highschool, and he said he remembered seeing me sometimes, and Twig had talked about me too. My little brother and I didn't always get along, so a lot of what Danny had heard about me wasn't good. We laughed about that and chalked it up to brothers just being jerks to each other. Which is pretty accurate.
I began spending most of my time with Orabis, Danny, and Mots, and less time with Dustin, David, and their girls. Connie and Eric also liked my new trio of friends, and didn't mind them coming over so much either. We would sit in the garage with Eric and smoke with him a lot. Hanging out with them introduced me to a new crowd. I'd always been a fan of hip hop music, but these guys lived it. I would go with them to shows/concerts, and they taught me a ton about the art, lifestyle, and true meaning of hip hop. Which any diehard hip hop fan will tell you, hip hop isn't just music, but a movement, a culture. I asked Orabis what the difference between rap and hip hop was once, and he quoted one of my favorite artists of all time, KRS1. "Rap is something you do, hip hop is something you live!"
Not only did my new friends, Well Orabis I actually knew since I was a freshman in highschool, like going to concerts, but they also had frequented the rave scene. I'd never been to rave, and really didn't even know what went on in them. They told me stories of all the crazy drugs, girls, music, and much more. It sounded exciting and I definitely wanted to experience it for myself so I said "When are we going?". The next massive was called "Nation". Little raves were cool, but we preferred the big ones called massives. Massives were always named, always had several different genres of music represented, and could have anywhere from a thousand to five, or even ten thousand plus, depending on the venue. When they were held in arenas, like the LA Coliseum, there could be 10k plus no problem.
Raving was awesome! And not just because of the drugs. The music, the people, and the overall togetherness. There's no such thing as antisocial at a rave. You can be sitting there, turn around and start talking to total strangers like you were close friends, and they would be just as friendly to you. There was definitely a feeling of belonging with all ravers. Also You never saw fights at raves, at least never any I've been to. They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, but really, it's wherever there's a rave going on. People didn't fight because they were too happy. While you're there you don't have any negative thoughts, everything is awesome.
Massives were great, but secrete raves would be set up with much smaller amounts of people in an effort to keep the police from knowing, and they were always great too. They were so secret that it was only advertised by word of mouth, and then you would have to go through three or four checkpoints to get the directions. Doing it this way meant that ravers would only tell their friends ,who were true ravers, and they would tell there's, and so on. The checkpoints gave the people organizing the events a look at who was coming. If they got a bad vibe, thought they might be a cop, or just someone who they thought might start trouble, then they wouldn't tell them the directions.
For one such event, a secret desert rave way out in the boonies, that we went through several checkpoints for, had us following a trail of glow sticks down a small dark road for miles before we got there. But when we did it didn't disappoint. It was there that I met two more people that would be close friends. Not so close now because of geography, but we are still friends. I was taking a sip of my water when this girl asked if she could have a drink. She was pretty cute and she had a friend who also asked for a drink.
They were Shawna and Amy. I started talking to them to see if I could get their numbers, either of them really, while my friends stood there watching. They always said I was the ladies man of the group, which really says more about their ineptitude with girls than it does about me being "pimp" as they would say. I just tried harder is all, that is I TRIED, while they waited for the girls to come to them.
Shawna and Amy were both really friendly. I learned that they were from Baltimore, and they had hopped on a plane to come to San Diego because the prices for plane tickets had plummeted after 9/11, and they had one friend living there. How adventurous were they? They did it just to do it, to try it out and see what would happen. I admired them for that. That's something I could never do. After talking with them a while, I knew the one I wanted to try and get with, and Shawna gave me her number.
I called her a few days later and she invited me over to where she was staying. I went that night, and saw her many more times over the next couple of weeks. I liked her a lot, but apparently I was too subtle in my intentions, either that or I wasn't boyfriend material to her, because one night when we were talking she told me how I reminded her of a friend of hers in Baltimore. "A friend" she had that "Was her closest buddy that she could tell anything.". So just like that I was in the friend zone, and I knew it. I thought, " I'll bet her closest buddy back home did the same thing I did. He was trying hook up, played the nice guy part just like me, and got friend zoned!"
I really liked hanging out with her though, and Amy too, so friends we would be. The more I got to know Shawna I realized she didn't go for nice guys. She was one of those girls that liked drama, so it was better we remained friends anyway. Drama, and baggage, is something I'd like to avoid.
I might not have had a woman at this point, but I had a good thing going. My appearance had changed for the better because I had lost quite a bit of weight, also I had grown a beard, which I still have, and my new hip hop lifestyle I was living had me dressing a little more stylish than I used to. I was happy at Connie's, and by this time I had left Bol Weivel's and went to work full time with Eric and Jim after they asked if I'd like to continue learning the AC business. Also Danny, Orabis, Mots, Shawna, Amy, and I were a really tight little group. We had so much fun, went so many places, and met tons of new people. And because we had two pretty girls as friends, they got us places we wouldn't have been invited to otherwise. Basically Shawna and Amy would get their foot in the door, and then kick it open for us. If it didn't work, most of time they would pass and go back with us to try something else. It was like that with us for almost two years, and was a great time in my life. I wouldn't do anything different if I had to do it over again.
You may have noticed a difference in this chapter. In the intro I said that these were stories relevant to shaping of my relationship with Vanessa, but until right now I hadn't even mentioned her once. That's because during this time I really had moved on. I wasn't dwelling on her anymore, in fact I was trying to forget all those feelings I had for her. During this period of my life I accomplished that and much more. In my opinion this time was very important in making me part of who I am today because of the friendships I made, the experiences I had, the way I began thinking about life, and basically growing up. After this stage of my life I wasn't a kid anymore.
"That Way"
I still saw Vanessa occasionally. She wasn't going over to Connie's as much anymore, and when she did I was usually at work. I remember one day I was leaving and Vanessa was walking up to the house. I had lost weight and began to grow my beard and she looked at me, I thought a little oddly, but still smiled and said hi. I said hi, smiled back, and later made a comment to Connie about it.
"Yeah she WAS acting a little weird." Connie said.
"She asked if you were growing a beard, and I said yes."
"Then she just said "Oh...", and didn't say anything else."
I didn't think much about it at the time, but I know now just what was going through her head. She looked at me, for perhaps the first time, "That way".
She was in the middle of an attempt to reconnect with her ex, Andrew senior, who had moved in with her at Hemlock. It wasn't going well, personally I think Andrew only moved in to mooch off of her. He's such a loser. He and Eric had hung out a little bit since he had showed up again, and I was always friendly with him, although I thought he was a piece of crap. So one day the three of us were in Eric's garage smoking, and he was complaining about Vanessa. "What a fucking jerk." I thought. Here he had the sweetest, most awesome girl all to himself, and she was giving him pretty much what ever he wanted, and he's sitting here bad mouthing her about pretty much everything. Even her appearance, as if he was fucking Brad Pit or something. I don't even want to repeat what he said.
I wanted to hit him over the head with something, hard! The only reason she took him back in the first place was for her son. To give Andrew a chance to grow up in a house with his mom and dad in it. Big Andrew didn't deserve any of it, not Vanessa, another chance, not even his own son. That would be over soon anyway, seeing as his dropping in only lasted a little while before he would disappear, breaking his son's heart all over again. That was always, and still is, his pattern as a deadbeat dad. Getting angry like that made me wonder if I still had feelings for Vanessa, but I just put it out my mind.
Around the time of this chapter I was about 23 years old. Still living with my sister and her family, but that would change soon. Working and living with Eric was putting a strain on our relationship. We were just seeing each other too much, and really needed time apart in between work because things were starting to get ugly between us. So when they decided to move, I figured it was time to find somewhere else to live.
I didn't have many options at the time, so I ended up going to my parents apartment temporarily. They would be gone for about a month or so in Alabama, to visit our family and friends there. So I would have the apartment to myself for a bit until I could find a place of my own.
One night I was driving to my new home, while at a stoplight I looked over and this girl in the passenger seat was smiling at me. She was kind of cute, so I rolled down my window and started talking to her briefly, since the light would turn green at any second, but was able to get her name and number. Her name, oddly enough, was Shawna. Yup, another Shawna. I called her up a couple of days later and asked her out, and she said yes. She was nice, but we didn't have a whole lot in common. Not like other girls I had dated in the past, like the other Shawna and I, or even Sarah, or Anna, and definitely no where near Vanessa and I. I liked her though, and wanted to see where it would go with her.
I dated her over the next few weeks, and we talked on the phone every night. I was happy where it was heading with her. I introduced her to my friends, and my brothers, and she introduced me to her friends as well. I even tried to hook Danny up with her best friend, but neither one of them were interested in the other. We really didn't click with each other's friends, we were just too different, not to mention my friends and I were older than Shawna and her friends.
My parents were coming home soon, so I really needed to get out of the apartment. There's no way I was going to live under "their" roof again. So when Connie told me that Vanessa had just moved into her own place, a two bedroom with a garage, I thought maybe she'd rent the garage out to me. "I could turn it into a sweet room." I thought
So I called her up, and she told me to come into her work, she'd buy me dinner, and we could talk about it.
That was just a formality really. I went and ate with her, we figured out a price, and I was all set to move in. It had been more than two years since Hemlock, and I was over her, so I wasn't worried about anything. I came over to check everything out, to see what needed to be done, and what kind of furniture I would get. When I showed up to actually move in, I saw that Vanessa had painted it for me. She is so damned sweet. She really is. She didn't have to put her own time and money in for that. But she did it for me.
When I told new Shawna that I was moving in with a girl for a roommate, she wasn't thrilled. She didn't argue, or say that she didn't want me to, but I could tell she didn't like it. That wouldn't matter soon though.
I wanted to take her somewhere special for a lunch date, no reason really other than I was happy how it was going, so I took her to Le Meridian. We sat down and had a nice lunch on the patio, which overlooks the bay. A very romantic setting, which is why I chose that location. I asked her how she thought things between us were going. She hesitated, not a good thing. Apparently I was alone in thinking the relationship was going somewhere. She explained why she thought it had run it's course, how we weren't compatible, how she felt that if we were together that she would be the dominant one. That's what I get for being a nice guy, trying to be sweet and caring. All these "girls" want assholes to treat them like shit. I knew that was how most of her previous thug boyfriends were anyway. Well I didn't expect the date to go like that. I definitely didn't see it coming. The rest of lunch, and the drive back to her place was pretty awkward. What do you say to each other at that point?
I was bummed for sure. Not crushed, just sad, and still a little confused. That really came out of nowhere. Later that night I was just hanging out with Vanessa, and telling her about it. She was drinking some wine, and asking me questions about the relationship. To try and clear up some of my confusion I guess. After a lengthy talk, neither one of us could make any sense of it, other than that Shawna was "just stupid".
Vanessa was through with talking about Shawna though, because it was then that she dropped a bombshell on the conversation, and my life.
She said "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I've had a lot of wine, and...". She paused, with a mischievous smile on her face. I was intrigued to say the least. She continued "I only asked you to move in here to see if you still liked me, because I think I like you."
So there it was. The words I'd been dying to hear, the moment that I'd wanted to happen for years had been, unexpectedly, thrown before me. I was speechless. For more than two years I had tried so hard to move on, to forget my feelings for her. I had come to the realization that it would never happen, that I just wasn't her type, that I would always remain no more than a friend to her. I had moved on. I told her so. I said that yes, for years I had a big crush on her. But since she hadn't been interested then, that I had gotten over it. That I only saw her as a friend now. She seemed sad. I asked her where all this was coming from. She explained that one day she just looked at me, watching me help Andrew with his homework, and thought to herself "Why not Josh?" She basically realized that here I was, a good guy, that liked her and her son, right under her nose the whole time. I was completely blindsided by all of it.
That night after some more wine, she curled up into bed with me. My head still spinning, and not from alcohol. Thinking about everything between us, all the way from the beginning. Were my feelings for her gone? Is that how I w