We can find practically anything we are looking for by typing in a few key words and pressing one button. For the most part, this is a wonderful phenomenon. But with the good comes the bad. We also have unlimited access to things that can get us into a lot of trouble.
Today’s blog is about the use of sex on the Internet. This is referred to as cybersex. Never before have we had such easy access to practically unlimited types of pornography. While sex on the Internet is not inherently bad, it is important to understand why and how it can become addictive.
Cybersex is different than normal courtship. Flirtations and innuendo, long the staples of leisurely seduction, rapidly escalate into frank sexual discussions and proposals on the Internet. This shift evokes intense reactions. The speed, magnitude and endless possibilities are without precedent. Three components combine to turbo-charge on-line sexual interactions:
1. Access…it is readily available all the time, at home and at work.
2. Affordability…it can be completely free.
3. Anonymity…you don’t have to reveal your identity.
These are often referred to as the Triple A Engine. Individuals who would previously have been afraid to enter an x-rated video store or could not afford to pay to see a sex show can readily find whatever suits their fancy. Pretty much anything that an individual might find arousing is available with a click on the keyboard.
Certain populations are a bit more at risk for developing an addiction to computer sex. Adolescents, already struggling to maintain some control over their sexual thoughts and behaviors can easily be sucked into the web of cybersex. Adults, unhappy in their relationships, often see cybersex as a way to satisfy their needs without leaving home. Unfortunately, the effects of cybersex on a relationship can be as devastating to a relationship as having an affair. The partner feels degraded, abandoned and completely unable to compete with the endless images available to their husband or significant other.
The following are a few red flags that suggest an addiction may be developing.
1. The person loses control of the frequency of his engagement in the activity. He/she may promise to stop but can’t.
2. The behavior is continued despite significant negative consequences to his or her relationships, job, health or legal standing
3. The person spends a great deal of time preoccupied with the activity: planning, fantasizing, anticipating and organizing his or her life around it.
People who have become addicted to substances and behaviors tend to have trouble tolerating their own feelings and reactions. Irritability, anxiety, stress and depression are at times intolerable emotional experiences for addicts. Chemicals and intensity based behaviors (such as sexual acting out, gambling or risk taking provide the means to tolerate and get through the challenges of emotional discomfort. These compulsive behaviors serve as a coping skill crutch for people who have not learned to independently manage and cope with their own moods and feelings. For addicts, the abuse or dependency upon substances or behaviors is a logical and adaptive tool for managing emotional discomfort and chaos. It works well in the very short run.
Like some psychoactive chemicals such as cocaine or heroin, certain intensity inducing behaviors cause specific chemical changes in the brain that are intense, euphoric, powerful and arousing. Consequently, the person becomes addicted to the way this behavior (a particular sexual behavior including cybersex; shopping etc) can influence their own neurochemistry. The powerful self produced chemicals that are released as a result of this behavior, such as adrenaline, serotonin, dopamine and endorphins create a distracting and intense drug like state for the behavior addicts. They become addicted to the behaviors that cause intense changes in the body. So, in effect, people addicted to sex, gambling and compulsive spending are drug addicted. They have just found a way to induce the chemical release within their own system rather than introducing an external substance. They are addicted to the mood/mind altering experiences.
The cybersex addict maintains the euphoric state by the ongoing chatting, searching and downloading of images. The distraction keeps them away from other priorities, relationships and responsibilities. Common self statements are …I will stop in ten minutes/dinner etc. But 10 minutes becomes 2-3 hours or all night.
For the cybersex addict and sex addicts in general, the goal of all the looking, cruising, contacting and downloading is not necessarily the orgasm. In fact, the orgasm is not always a welcomed or desired part of the process. Most porn or cybersex addicts look at images or remain in sexual chat for hours on end maintaining the desired level of self-stimulation. Once orgasm occurs, the game is over, the trance ended, the brain chemistry returns to the pre-arousal state and reality floods in. At that point, the addict is reminded of the late hour, the promises made and broken and often another night of insufficient sleep. This is generally followed by feelings of remorse, guilt, self-loathing and depression.
Often, however, the only way to feel better and escape the reality of their feelings is to begin the cycle all over the next day.
A few interesting facts noted by Zur , http://www.zurinstitute.com/cybersex_clinicalupdate.html
Internet Porn Statistics showed there are about 4.2 million pornographic websites constituting 12 % of the total websites. The pornographic pages constitute 372 million hits and daily pornographic search engine requests range to 68 million or 25 % of total search engine requests
Over 60% of cybersex addicts have not previously suffered from a history of sexually addictive behavior until they discovered the Internet
In addition:
Cybersex compulsives reported spending an average of 35-40 hours per week online, with an average of 15-25 hours pursuing online sexual material.
Regardless of degree of sexual compulsivity, 6% of employees use their work computer for sexual purposes for about 1 to 10 hours per week.
Tracking data from 2010 by Nielsen Online2 showed that more than 25% of those with Internet access at work viewed pornography during working hours. This is an increase from 2007 figures.
Cybersex Addiction can have many consequences. Some of them are very dangerous. The individual may feel a lot of guilt and shame as they try to lead a double life. They may neglect their personal hygiene. As the activity cuts into the person’s time for sleep his/her physical and cognitive functioning may deteriorate. An obsession with cybersex leaves primary relationships flat. Communication, affection, sexuality and honesty all suffer as the addict becomes increasingly fixated on their virtual sexual experiences. The routine and basic responsibility of childcare and involvement in family activities becomes secondary to engaging in cybersex activities.
Engaging in cybersex in the workplace is risky business. Employers have become more aware of the Internet abuses and are monitoring office computers. Most companies have a zero tolerance for this behavior. While many cybersex websites are free, those with great consistency and depth of content on specific areas of interest require payment. Access to illegal sexual activities and content is easily available on the Internet.
This includes child pornography, graphic sexual violence, mutilation, and sexual death.
What should you do if you suspect someone you love has a problem with cybersex? Although you can encourage your partner to seek help, you can’t fix their addiction. But you can deal with your own feelings and take care of yourself.
Below is a partner checklist. It is a good gauge of your own health. If you have experienced 3 or more of the 10 feelings or behaviors, related to your husband or partner, it may be time to seek help with a clinician experienced in dealing with cybersex addictions..
• Attempting to compete with cybersex images.
• Participating in sexual activities that are uncomfortable.
• Losing interest in sex with the spouse because of the negative reactions to the spouse’s activities.
• Spying on the partner’s activities.
• Joining the spouse in cybersex activities in an attempt to control the spouse’s behaviors.
• Covering up for the partner’s cybersex activities.
• Trying to protect children from exposure to the cybersex activities.
• Eliciting promises from the spouse to stop cybersex activities.
• Trying to control the partner’s access to the computer.
• Becoming depressed or suicidal in response to the spouses activities.
Regarding your children and teens, prevention is the best first step. Keep computers in a public area. Software is available that will block the use of many websites and can track what sites your child has visited. Let your kids know that you will be checking what they have been doing on the Internet. Be aware, however, that many teens can figure out how to disable the software. It is not unusual for teens to utilize magazines or other forms of soft pornography during masturbation. And it is important to remember that masturbation is a normal behavior, especially for individuals with high sex drives and no sexual partner…does the word adolescent work here? Most people masturbate at some time or another in their lives. But, for kids and teens who are just forming their ideas about sexuality, the Internet can pull them into a very dangerous web of addiction. Have discussions with your children about sexuality. Let them know that frequent use of pornography often leads to seeing women as objects to be used, rather than respected.
The revitalization of the child porn industry places children at greater risk to be abducted, as pornographers need them to manufacture new photographs and movies. Sexual offenses against children make up a significant proportion of all reported criminal online sex acts. A study done by the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire found that
1 in 4 children who have gone online have been solicited
1 in 5 has been sent provocative pictures through web contact
725, 000 have been asked to meet for sexual purposes.
In my practice, I have seen kids solicited by older men and ultimately raped. This is not an unusual occurrence. It takes a very strong effort to create a safe place for our kids in cyberspace. Most of them are far more computer savvy than their parents. I urge you to speak to your schools about providing programs on Internet safety, and check with the Center for OnLine Addiction on ways to promote safe Internet use.