Getting back to our roots, here's post by our beloved founderess, originally published August 24, 2006:
Old Favorites Day
I don’t feel all that great, and so I am in a mood for comfort wingnuts (you know, those familiar, homey wingnuts whose creamy texture, cheesy richness, and meatloaf-like consistency always hit the spot).
So, here are the latest columns by some old favorites.
1. Pastor Grant Swank: “Plane Mutiny, Olmert Demise, Mosque Killers, & Iraq Over“
Thesis: The only good Muslim is a dead Muslim.
Excerpts:
Two men who looked like Muslim killers were speaking in what was concluded to be Arabic. They looked cagey. They kept looking at their watches. They darted looks to right and left. They whispered to one another. They wore heavy leather jackets. They were just plain mysterious.
Swarthy men on a plane who keep doing suspicious terrorist stuff like looking at their watches, whispering to each other, and wearing jackets? Quick, somebody page Annie Jacobsen!
Brits on their way to vacationland Saturday decided the flight was too risky. They did not at all trust the two men. Therefore, they forced the pilot not to leave the ground.
One hundred fifty passengers felt safer on land than air. Two Muslim terrorist types were the cause of it all.
And just what are “Muslim terrorist types”? Well, from the news article from which Pastor Swank got this story, we learn that they are “men of Asian appearance apparently talking Arabic.” Yes, all men who look Asian and speak a language which might be Arabic (or possibly Russian or Hebrew, or something like that) are not only terrorists, but also Muslims, since you can apparently deduce a person’s religion from his race and his jacket.
And, per Pastor Swank, it’s about time that you “grass roots” realized that all Muslims are murderous demons who are planning to kill you.
Islam is proving itself to be too weird to tolerate.
I think the only response to the above is “It takes one to know one.”
The plane mutiny is a reflection of the peace world’s thinking. In time, the entire peace community should get the harsh facts that Islam is out to do us all in.
Okay, Islam is out to do us in, so what should the peace community do about it?
Well, per the good Pastor, the liberty republics must expel all Muslims, because they’re all bad. Every single one of them.
Therefore, in every liberty republic, citizens must make choices to protect themselves, their communities, their laws, their judicial systems, educational systems and futures.
That means ousting Muslims. None can be trusted. Why? Because even the so-called kind Muslims say and do nothing to protest their killing “brothers and sisters.” Therefore, who within a Muslim conclave can finally be trusted?
All Muslims are born to be loyal to the Koran.
And this truth about how and why Muslims are born has caused Pastor Swank to rethink his support of the Iraq War.
Yes, he has concluded that all that talk about “freedom spread” was just a lot of hooey, because the Muslims on our side are, at the end of the day, still Muslims, and as such are Satanic monsters who deserve killing just as much as the ones who are fighting us.
And so George Bush was wrong to lead us into a war to help them – we should have just nuked the whole Middle East. And then we should have deported everyone who looked Asian and spoke what might have been Arabic. Deported them all to hell, where they came from!
We freedom lovers were sadly mistaken about planting a democracy in Iraq. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. That is why there is not one Muslim democracy on the planet. Democracy won’t fit. Freedom is the antithesis to cultic, demonic practices prescribed by the Koran. […]
Therefore, America should admit that a huge mistake was made in Iraq.
So, is Pastor Swank, the most fervent of Bush supporters, the guy who used to write five pieces a week praising the President’s wisdom and courage, now claiming that George made a huge mistake, and we should bring the troops home ???
Yup, pretty much.
You know, the Bush White House must be totally depressed about now, because when you’ve lost Pastor Grant Swank, it means that not even your mother supports you anymore.
Bush needs to admit that he made a mistake regarding his understanding of Islam. I personally believe that in his soul he knows that now far too much. So does Tony Blair. Then they need to admit their error and go forward to support our troops by bringing them home.
Remember when only traitors like Congressman Murtha used to say stuff like that?
2. Dr. Miks S. Adams, Ph.D.:”Colleges for Jews to Avoid, Part I“
Thesis: Jews should avoid colleges where anybody on the faculty has called for a peace settlement between Israel and its enemies.
But more importantly, the military should waive its age, health, and psychological fitness standards and draft Dr. Mike, because he could kill thousands of those Muslim terrorists, if only he was sent to Iraq and given enough bullets.
Excerpts:
Over the course of my life, I have pondered many improbable situations. For example, what would it be like to play first base for the Atlanta Braves?
Translation: Despite all the brooding he does about those who have wronged him, and all intense satisfaction he gets from the hours he spends imagining their fiery deaths, Dr. Mike is really just a regular guy who enjoys the sane wholesome sporting events that you do. Really!
What would it be like to work as Anna Kournikova’s live-in masseuse?
Translation: Despite his hatred of women, and his fear of vaginas, Dr. Mike is very much a lady’s man, and he loves the babes. Really!
Just how many Muslim terrorists could I kill if the military would ignore my age and let me serve as a sniper?
Translation: When they set up canned hunts of swarthy people who speak what might be Arabic, Dr. Mike will so be there!
But I never pondered what life would be like as a Jewish student at the University of Texas at Austin – that is, until I read a letter written by 27 anti-Semites and self-hating Jews who teach there. The letter – addressed to Secretary of State Condi Rice – is reproduced below in its entirety.
Translation: Dr. Mike is going to try to get paid for a whole column, while only contributing about 100 words of his own. But don’t you try doing anything like that in any of his classes, you lazy snot-nosed punks!
3. John Stossel: “Leave the decadent businessman alone!“
Thesis: Successful businessmen should be able to sexually harass women if they want to – after all, they’re rich!
Sub-thesis: There should be an official droit de seigneur policy at “20/20.”
Excepts:
Dov Charney is a fast-talking 36-year-old entrepreneur whose company has a loose, sexy atmosphere. As you might guess, some former workers have sued him for sexual harassment.
Charney pays his 4,000 employees, mostly immigrants, an average $12.75 an hour, plus subsidized lunches, health care, and free English classes.
[…]
Charney feels free to engage in sexual relationships with staff members. “If it’s a truly consensual loving relationship,” he says, “there’s nothing wrong with it. I think that those relationships can be very healthy and are very much part of living in a free world.”
Yes, immigrant women, having sex with the boss is very much part of living in a free world. Remember that!
But in today’s highly policed workplace, that belief brought Charney trouble. Three women who used to work for him sued, claiming he created a “hostile environment.” The plaintiffs say they were made to feel unwelcome, and Charney is accused of dropping his pants and revealing his underwear.
Charney told me, “I’ve never had any intimate intentions with these women. I never propositioned them in any way. All of these allegations are false.”
Of course, the women never said that he had “Intimate intentions” with them, they saidthat he gave them vibrators (shades of Bill O’Reilly!), invited them to masturbate with him, and he exposed himself to them.
But, per Stossel, that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to sue him, because “If you don’t like the atmosphere in a workplace, don’t work there.”
However, our stupid nanny state won’t let a bold,paternalistic entrepreneur like Charney rule his plantation as he sees fit. Damn it, it’s hardly worth being a boss anymore!
Freedom is the most important thing. But now Charney is a maverick swimming against the tide of Big Government with its endless laws telling us how to live, what we may say, and even whom we can look at sexually.
Do the bureaucrats and labor lawyers really know best?
We’ll be better off when we can paraphrase what Jonathan Edwards said in his 1970s song “Sunshine”: “They can’t even run their own lives. I’ll be damned if they’ll run mine.”
Um, John honey, ”Sunshine” is about a rich guy who tries to run the lives of his workers — and how, after the revolution, we’ll all know where the “fruits of what we do” are going. So, John, are you sure this is the song you wanted to quote in this piece?
But you have proven your creds as a brave, young rebel by quoting both a pop song from the1970s AND a line from Ayn Rand in the same column. I’m sure you’ll be getting lots of that sweet workplace sex too, now.
4. Meghan Cox Gurdon: “Kitchen Confidential“
When not reviewing children’s books for the Wall Street Journal, Meghan reviews anti-feminist books for The Weekly Standard. (She’s versatile, you see.)
This time she’s reviewing To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewifeby Caitlin Flanagan. The piece’s subtitle, “Inside every feminist, a woman yearns to break free,” gives us a pretty good idea of what she thinks the moral we should take from the book is going to be.
I am aware that the words “candid memoir” have come to imply, in our memoir-littered literary landscape, ever-darker revelations of neglect, debauchery, and (if the publisher is lucky) incest.
Then we’ll take a moment right now to congratulate the future publishers of the inevitable memoirs of Victrola, Heliotrope, Dyspepsia, and Brock Samson Gurdon.
That’s what people seem to want to read, but, mercifully, Flanagan does not reveal anything so gruesome. What she does reveal, though, is in its effect plenty grim. You may laugh out loud at many passages–I certainly did–but what the book says about modern American women may make you want to bang your head against a wall.
I’m guessing that Flanagan says that modern women very rarely weave their own linen sheets these days, and they don’t wear attractive house dresses and pearls while they order the maid to mop and wax the floors.
First, the good news: Flanagan is a sparkling stylist, and she is definitely on to something with her idea of an “inner housewife,” that secret part of emancipated womanhood that clings to old-fashioned feminine roles even as the outer lawyer, or whatever, rejects them. For who among us doesn’t resent the drudgery of battling squalor through repetitive acts of washing, wiping, and tidying? At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
Sorry, the rest of this article is available only to subscribers.
Okay, gentle readers, once again your assignment is to finish Meghan’s paragraph — tell us just what kind of a pile gives every women a weird charge in her heart of hearts?
I know you’ll do me proud with this one!
Original comments below the fold (lots of old favorites, including Doghouse Riley!):
66 Responses to “Old Favorites Day"
I too noticed:
Just how many Muslim terrorists could I kill if the military would ignore my age and let me serve as a sniper?
And did the math, he’s not too old to join the army.
I’ve emailed him to let him know that he can live his dream but no repsonse.
Wonder why?
Left by salvage on August 24th, 2006
One hundred fifty passengers felt safer on land than air.
Aren’t you always safer on land? Cancel all flights, for freedom!
Glad to have you back, btw.
Left by Hysterical Woman on August 24th, 2006
I think the only way to finish that sentence is …hard core porn videos.
Call me crazy but she seems like the type.
Left by darkell on August 24th, 2006
Therefore, they forced the pilot not to leave the ground.
I could be wrong here, but wouldn’t forcing the pilot not to leave the ground constitute hijacking the plane?
Left by Realist on August 24th, 2006
Neanderthal men on women…
The dinosaurs of unenlightened gender incivility are out in force this week. For starters, World o’Crap points to this pile of it from John Stossel: Dov Charney is a fast-talking 36-year-old entrepreneur whose company has a loose, sexy atmosphere. As….
Left by aTypical Joe: A gay New Yorker living in the rural south. on August 24th, 2006
At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
fetid horse droppings, provided by your loving, strong, manly son. “Look, Mummy, I can write like you! I worked ever so hard on this column for National Review – for Kids!/i> \
Please Mummy, may I go outside and play now?” “Yes”, I say with the patience of an experienced mother of talented, beautiful, talented children, “you may – but be sure not to soil your new lederhosen, Consuela couldn’t get out the stains last time, and we had to have her deported.”
Left by Ugluks Flea on August 24th, 2006
Doh! got to remember to close yer tags, dagnabbit.
Left by Ugluks Flea on August 24th, 2006
There appears to be some confusion.
American Apparel has fantastic labor practices for it’s manufacturing branch—non sweatshop wages, healthcare and English lessons for it’s largely immigrant workforce.
However, the company treats it’s RETAIL employees like absolute shit—long hours, a total lack of respect, discriminatory hiring practices, etc.
It is these employees that Dov Charney likes to fuck and sexually harrass, not the immigrant seamstresses in the factory.
Left by Guav on August 24th, 2006
Well, I can’t pay attention to Meghan’s piles right now–it’s enough I had to look back to check what stupid stylistic game went into the spelling of her first name–because if the Professor Dr. Mike, Ph.D, renaissance continues around here I’m gonna become obsessed with his broadcasting reveals in the clear:
what would it be like to play first base for the Atlanta Braves?
First base! No one ever dreams of being a first baseman. That’s like saying “When I grow up, I’d like to be a NASCAR road-course specialist. Or else the guy who holds the drink cup.” First basemen are, essentially, guys with no mobility. It’s the designated hitter spot of the National League. A lot of great players finished their careers at first, but few began there–Gehrig being the prominent exception.
So why would you dream of playing first base? Well, if you’re left-handed it’s the only infield position open to you, but you could be a power-hitting outfielder or a cannon-armed young pitcher with a sexy wild streak. Why emulate John Kruk? Is Dr. Professor Mike trying to tell us he throws from the other side? Was “first base”, in the schoolyard vernacular, Dr. Mike’s bête noir, in the same way his first glimpse of female pubic hair turned Havelock Ellis off sex for sixty years?
The reader may decide, but we will note in closing that Anna Kournikova, who led the league in internet fake-nudes a generation ago, is highly unlikely to have employed a full-time live-in erotic masseur, and if she did it probably wasn’t some nerdy creep who kept spilling his oil prematurely. And speaking from personal experience, in those occasional moments, back in the 20th century, when I chanced upon a photograph of Ms Kournikova, and the mood was right, it never occured to me, nor would it to most heterosexual American males, to give her a nice neck rub. Russian lessons, maybe.
Left by Doghouse Riley on August 24th, 2006
Masseuse? Not masseur? This is taking us to a whole new, weird world of Dr. Mikeology. Who knew his hatred of women was based on envy?
Left by William Burns on August 24th, 2006
At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
…those wonderful little white pills that Dr. Studly prescribes! Why, I get my work done in half the time!
Left by BeginningToWonder on August 24th, 2006
Damn! William Burns beat me to it. I was so hoping I’d get to make that very point. . . somebody check Dr. Mike’s underwear.
Left by David E. on August 24th, 2006
“… C batteries”?
Left by Lucy on August 24th, 2006
Did anyone else read the infamous interview with Dov Charney in, I think, Bust, about 2 years ago? The one in which he masturbated in front of the reporter? I don’t know what to say about him; I can’t come up with a moral pronouncement. But I will say this: he’s icky, and I take delight in the fact that Le Moustache finds himself defending and supporting him.
Left by Lucy on August 24th, 2006
somebody check Dr. Mike’s underwear.
Eeeewwwww! I nominate Caitlin.
Left by BeginningToWonder on August 24th, 2006
“At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…”
Rubber hoses, hot soapy water and a VHS labelled “Fellatio Hornblower” lying waiting and wanting in the hope of that evening when Hubby finally comes back home and we’ll send little Chalfont, Damascus, Heveticus, and Bombay Sapphire off to bed….early…..
Left by Oh, that's just George on August 24th, 2006
Isn’t there a fifth Gurdling these days? I seem to remember her spawning recently, but not the name or gender of the sprat.
Left by Basharov on August 24th, 2006
Jeez Louise, I typed “masseur” without realizing Dr. Mike wrote “masseuse”. He’s gone Full Metal Peacoat on us. What’s up next week? Resigned to the fact they’ll never be Brave first basemen, “Dr.” Mike and “Pastor” Giles try out some new positions? Mike tries to get all the military investigators on his payroll to stand at attention at the same time? A peek under Mel Gibson’s kilt? Wha?
Left by Doghouse Riley on August 24th, 2006
‘“Dr.” Mike and “Pastor” Giles try out some new positions…’
Gaaaah! Don’t DOOOO that!!! Great now I’ve got that and Terry Gilliam’s “Tideland” (Dr. Mike’s next favorite film, the silly-kisser that he is)lodged in my mind’s eye at the same time…
Left by Oh, that's just George on August 24th, 2006
“…since you can apparently deduce a person’s religion from his race and his jacket.”
Don’t you know? It’s those hot, hip, and new Islamofacist Genuine Leather Jackets that they give to every terrorist! It has “Islamofascist” embossed on the collar, and you can get the name of your team embossed on the back! Only $29.95 (US), but free if you can prove you’re the number 3 rank in your cell, are planning a suicide/roadside bombing, or in charge of the rocket launcher. Families of the Breatheren that are now with Allah through the above means recieve one for each male member free!! Get yours today!!
Left by Sporkey on August 24th, 2006
Adams: Just how many Muslim terrorists could I kill if the military would ignore my age and let me serve as a sniper?
And if the military would keep them in a sort of slow-paced zoo with equally leisurely hunting privileges, and you got to pick out your trophy terrorist from a catalog, Mikey just might approach his customary levels of arms-and-the-man self-tribute.
Left by FlipYrWhig on August 24th, 2006
Hi, Sorry, I just want to dispel a few rumors here. Dov Charney is a nut. He is insane. He’s manic and driven. But he is not a sexual predator. I’ve worked with and around the american apparel factory for a couple years now and have heard much of the inter office gossip.
If you want to judge a man for promiscuity, he’s guilty, but the idea that he wields his power for sex favors from the underlings is just salaciousness masquerading as fact.
He’s definitely a complex character, and has done good by many, many people, and pissed others off. Nonetheless, here’s to understanding that painting a man in black and white is rarely telling the truth.
cheers.
Left by Lindsay on August 24th, 2006
I hang my head in shame knowing I voted for Swank to win on Wingnut Island, now that his Bush fetish has proven to be but bizarre puppy love.
One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. That is why there is not one Muslim democracy on the planet. Democracy won’t fit. Freedom is the antithesis to cultic, demonic practices prescribed by the Koran.
You know, the Pastor might want to actually read once in a while his own Holy Book. One cannot plant a democracy over Christianity, the cult. (So good, you have to say it twice!) There has never been a fundamentalist Christian democracy on any planet. Unlike what his ex-sweetie Bush says, the Christian god never considered Freedom a gift to the world.
Sometimes I think masseuses, uh, Messrs. Swank and Bush are proving themselves too weird to tolerate.
Left by arghous on August 24th, 2006
I am ashamed to admit that I may know from personal experience how that sentence ends. It all has to do with the fact that I just bought this:
Left by elizabeth on August 24th, 2006
aaaaaand apparently images don’t work. It’s this.
Left by elizabeth on August 24th, 2006
Well, if they’re like the women in my family, the last word is MONEY, but then, the women in my family are sane and sensible.
So I’m guessing that’s not what Meghan said. Now let me try to think like her…hmm…head getting dizzy…can’t formsentencesanymorewhatarethoselittlesquarethingsioujutnsdlkf,,hlf;j,mto[pioip
Left by Bill S on August 24th, 2006
I always wonder how the militant christian types can say stuff like this
All Muslims are born to be loyal to the Koran.
without their heads exploding.
Left by A cranny mint on August 24th, 2006
Ooh, where am I? Oh that’s right, I was trying to think like Meghan and my brain stopped functioning. Last thing I remember my face hit the keyboard.
I’m glad to be back, but I’m never going into Meghan’s head again. It’s to scary and drafty.
Left by Bill S on August 24th, 2006
Swank is a prick.
Two Muslim terrorist types were the cause of it all.
Really? Two Muslim guys who were innocent?
What the fuck is a terrorist type? Does he look anything like Eric Rudolph? Or the Unabomber? What about good Christian boy Tim McVeigh? Oh, no, wait, only the swarthy folks can be judged on their skin color. Those guys are just a few “bad apples” in the white race.
I’m not a violent person, really, but God I’d love to slap that stupid, racist fucker.
Mrs Robinson over at Orcinus has this one exactly right: a planeload of panicky white vigilantes robbed two guys of their plane tickets, their time, and their dignity. This is not something to applaud!
This is something to be ashamed of. This incident should leave us demanding accountability from our scaremongering governments. Even leaving aside Swank’s reprehensible assessment that Asian people who look at their watches are terrorist types, this absolutely was not caused by the men. This was caused by the passengers on that plane, and by every asshole politician who’s whipped up fear of terrorism out of stupidity or malice or utilitarianism.
The terrorists won. They didn’t even have to attack that airplane, the passengers did it for them. I hope they’re ashamed of themselves, but I’m guessing they’re getting a lot of fawning reinforcement about how brave they are. It makes me want to spit.
Oh, and Dr Mike is a coward if he doesn’t enlist by the end of next week, and John Stossel is so much into the contrarian thing by now that he’s a parody of Geraldo fucking Rivera. That’s gotta suck.
I’m not even bothering with AWM, but Lucy, I love you for the batteries thing.
Welcome back, S.Z. Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Left by D. Sidhe on August 24th, 2006
I think Lindsay needs to do some research on what constitues a hostile workplace.
Left by A cranny mint on August 24th, 2006
Two Muslims were sitting around an airport checking their watches?! Must be something sneaky going on, it’s not like they could have been waiting for a plane or anything.
If Charney only read Stossel he’d know he could find his perfect mate by marrying his cousin.
“At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…”
… a pile of dead, cultic, demonic Muslims, all sniped by her cousin Dr. Mike, with some self-hating Jews thrown in for good measure, and so you begin a strip-tease to reward him, and his eyes light up, and he starts to pant in anticipation, until the underwear comes off, and then his eyes bulge out and he yells, “INCOMING!!” and dives into a fetal position muttering, “Find a happy place, find a happy place…”
Left by Boo on August 24th, 2006
At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
bills that she can’t pay because her husband left her, and she can’t get a job that pays since she didn’t develop a career of her own.
Left by Kathleen on August 24th, 2006
So, if you’re a Muslim and planning to fly, don’t eat at MacDonald’s before the flight, and don’t look at your watch. And, apparantly, don’t wear a leather jacket.
Or the other passengers will lynch you. Got it.
Left by Randall on August 24th, 2006
but you missed the best part:
What would it be like to work as Anna Kournikova’s live-in masseuse?
Dr. Adams daydreams about being a masseuse, not a masseur? Clearly, he is not suffering vagina fear, but vagina envy.
Left by M.S. on August 24th, 2006
Also, don’t sit together, and don’t talk. According to the Freepers, you should also shave your beard and wear a cowboy hat and boots.
Personally, I think they’re giving aid to the terrorists by telling them how to avoid our profiling.
Left by D. Sidhe on August 24th, 2006
Swank’s name is J. Grant Swank, Jr., is it not? And the “J” stands for Joseph, right? I expect that he goes by his middle-name, Grant, to differentiate himself from his father, who doubtlessly went by “Joseph” or “Joe.” Heh. “Joe Swank.” That’s a keul name… for a pimp!
Left by Marq on August 24th, 2006
For some reason I can’t help thinking about all the crap Hitler said about the Jews when I read Swank’s article.
Left by Yaoi Huntress Earth on August 24th, 2006
At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
shag carpeting.
Left by tune on August 24th, 2006
At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
Oscar Mayer weinermobiles.
Left by tune on August 24th, 2006
At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
…puppies, kittens, marshmallow peeps and naked Abu Ghraib prisoners.
Left by tune on August 25th, 2006
At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
…human skulls.
Left by tune on August 25th, 2006
I would guess that once the Muslims are out of the way, Swank will have many of the same comments to make about the Jews, too.
It’s that whole thing about the scorpion and the frog crossing the river. Some people are just plain damn mean.
Left by D. Sidhe on August 25th, 2006
At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
All kidding aside, the correct answer is, of course, ‘shoes’.
I know that, c’mon I was just goofin’ around.
For any of you broads who are offended by my earlier hilarious posts, don’t blame me, I recently saw a creepy video of some bimbo flopping about in shallow water mouthing off about ‘Palis’. Kinda put me in the mind of throwing all women out of the country.
Left by tune on August 25th, 2006
Okay, gentle readers, once again your assignment is to finish Meghan’s paragraph —
man, a little earlier and it could have been “fill in the sWank”
Left by preznit giv me turkee on August 25th, 2006
Meghan writes: At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
…flaming poop on her doorstep.
Here, Meghan, I’ll prove it to you–
Left by Chris Vosburg on August 25th, 2006
Shoes? Seriously? Um, me. I have a gay friend who looooooves shoe shopping. I agree to accompany him when he has done me some favor. Number of minutes is negotiated in advance, and I bring a freaking stopwatch. I don’t even *wear* shoes unless I’m going somewhere they’re required, and it took the *symphony* to get me out of my Birks. (I wore strappy flat sandals. See? I don’t even have the right vocabulary for shoes.)
I’m far more likely to get a charge out of a pile of, say, seeds. Or books. Or beads. Or origami paper. Or chocolates. Cleaning supplies. Documentary DVDs. Cat toys. Playmobil. Puzzle pieces. Moss. Rocks. Whatever.
The closest I come to shoe-appreciation is my Barbie shoe collection. (I’ve never lost a Barbie shoe in my life. It’s a vastly misplaced point of pride.)
Shoes. Bleah. So predictable, so shallow, so narrow-minded, so boring, so *wrong*.
Left by D. Sidhe on August 25th, 2006
D. Sidhe, you are beautiful. And your Most Excellent Ranty Rant over at TBogg’s drew in 56 comments!! Woo Hoo, girl! Do check out “My Baby’s a Superstar” by Buddy Guy – it was written for you.
Left by BeginningToWonder on August 25th, 2006
D.Sidhe, I’m with you. That stupid “women looooove shoes!” thing is a load of codswallop. I don’t know one woman who is like that. I’m a fairly feminine woman in terms of liking girly things (you should see my bedroom, a symphony in cool pink), but there is no *product* I lose my head over. I think it’s a lazy, reductive, and belittling stereotype, but it’s a canny one, because look at how many women watch “Sex and the City,” imagine they’re like Carrie Bradshaw, and think that buying $600 Christian Louboutin (or whatever) shoes is reasonable for someone living on a secretary’s salary. Great PR for training people to be good little consumers.
And, btw, I have never known any woman who ate pints of Haagen-Dazs because she got dumped, either. It’s another TV thing (of course the “Cathy” comic strip relied on stuff like that, too), and we should stop looking to television to tell us what we are. What a giant load of crap. I don’t see any resemblance between myself and the popular stereotypes of female behavior. To paraphrase Eddie Izzard, I’m 100% human being with an extra 10% girl. (He says he’s 100% man with an extra 10% girl, which is why I love him. That extra 10% is so sexy.)
Left by Lucy on August 25th, 2006
P.S. Which is not to say that some women really do love shoes–I thought it went without saying. Men do, too, doubtless.
Left by Lucy on August 25th, 2006
Men do, too, doubtless
I don’t know about shoes, but I’m from Texas, and I know men who are pretty damn proud of their steel-toed alligator-skin boots. Talk about stereotypes! Gag.
Left by BeginningToWonder on August 25th, 2006
Well, I will admit I would get a charge out a a big pile of shoes. That feeling of warm, flushed cheeks, the sound of blood pulsing in the ears, the barely-resisable urge to squeal out
“Who the hell left all these damn shoes all over the floor?”
Left by Dorothy on August 25th, 2006
Dorothy, you are my kind of woman. Or you’ve met my housemates. Either way.
I admit to a freaky Barbie thing, and the occasional entire box of chocolates in dire circumstances. It kind of makes me wonder, really, if AWM does shoes because in her heart of hearts she just really digs them, or because she’s absorbed the notion that all the theoretically stylish women do. I mean, let’s face it, the woman *is* a good little consumer of the culture. She’s sure as hell not a citizen* in it.
Personally, I loathe clothes shopping of any sort, and did even when I was rail thin and apparently attractive. But