It’s time again for lootcrate, and that means it’s time once again for our less-than-intrepid looters Fantaesque and Arkworthy to tear into a small box of toys and complain rigorously about them. This month’s theme is “rewind”, and promises to be either filled with retro-themed goodies, or an old VHS tape that someone has, rather irresponsibly, left at the end of the film.
Well, the last crate arrived so late and was so mind-bendingly awful that I really do not have high hopes for this one. This one is also quite late, and the vague-as-all-hell theme of “Rewind” isn’t making me feel any better about this month’s fayre.
When it finally did arrive the last one was so monumentally horrible that this one could not be worse if upon opening it we found it to be nothing but a slurry of liquid shit. The theme is Rewind, which might be end up being a bit of a problem, as it kind of sounds like another excuse to unload retro shit on thirty-something office types who wish Ghostbusters was still a thing. But I could be wrong. Right? XD XD XD
I wouldn’t bank on it.
We did bank on it. We paid money for this shit.
Item #1: Exclusive 8-Bit Glasses
if we see anyone wearing these, we’re going to high five them. with our fists. repeatedly about the face and groin
The first offering out of the box seems to be a pair of sunglasses, in some horrid 8-bit pixel style, no doubt to better fit the retro ‘rewind’ theme of the box. They feel really solidly put together, but also abnormally brittle. Not the kind of thing I’d carry in my back pocket. Then again, looking at them, they’re not really the kind of thing I’d want to carry anywhere. Putting them on seems to have a strange quality to it. Kind of like how when Stanley Ipkiss puts on ‘The Mask’ he transforms into the avatar of chaos (or Salsa dancer if you prefer the movie for some reason). The thing with these sunglasses seems to be that they transform the wearer into the avatar of complete douchebag.
They look extremely uncomfortable. If there’s one thing that I wouldn’t have thought goes well with ocular comfort, it’s a bridge made of angles? They’re actually sunglasses though, rather than just dark looking glasses, so that’s something. Actually, now that I’ve put them on they’re not hideously uncomfortable, they’re just hideous. I can’t help but notice that my twat-level has increased 100% since I put them on, and if I was a twat beforehand, at least I didn’t look like one.
You do kind of look like a twat now. Still, at least you’re a twat with UV 400 protection. So, that’s something.
Item #2: Exclusive Voltron Blueprint T-Shirt
because who doesn’t love blueprints? And robots, too, I guess
It’s a very nice t-shirt, actually, and (in a first for a loot crate shirt) I could probably even wear it in public and not feel like I’d escaped from a comic-con somewhere. Never got into Voltron, though. Robotech was more my thing. If this was a Robotech t-shirt, I’d be weeping right now, but this is nice. It’s got a cool robot blueprint design on it, and some Japanese that I don’t understand but kind of assume to read: “look at the robot!” or something. It’s got the Voltron logo at the bottom, as well as the lootcrate guff, and the word ‘flophouse’, which I hope is the name of the design company.
Oh. Is Voltron not a Transformer? It looks like a Transformer. Well colour me stupid. I thought it was a Transformer. Well, it looks like a decent t shirt, and I’d wear it…IF IT WAS IN MY SIZE.
We’ve been over this. I’m husky! You can have the sunglasses. One size fits every cunt. With regards to the t-shirt though, it’s of considerably better quality than the last t-shirt we had, mainly because I can’t see through this one.
Item #3: Exclusive 10-Doh! Figure
probably just one of a larger invasion force. the earth is most likely doomed.
Now this really is something I’ve come to expect from lootcrate. Garbage desk pap. I can’t even conceive of a possible universe where I would want this. It’s just another retro-mashup thing, a NES cartridge with arms, legs and a zapper gun, but the game is an 8-bit version of Firefly. I have never met anyone who actually likes this stuff, and if I did, I would be unlikely to want a lasting relationship with that person.
This just looks like crap. The figure adds nothing to the game cartridge. Besides, if I get nostalgic for ye olde game boxes I’ll break out my Pokemon Game Boy games. Hell, I might turn them into wall art, which would be a damn sight more nostalgic and less tacky than this.
It stands up on its own though, which is a plus. Some of the previous Loot Crate stuff doesn’t get this far.
Oh hello, what’s this?! “10-Doh! Figures are art, not toys.”
Oh nice try guys, but I already know the difference between art and a toy. If it comes in a box with an age suggestion, requires assembly and has a toy gun, it’s not art. It’s a fucking desk toy.
Item #4: Exclusive Retro Arcade Skinny Tie
for when you absolutely must show everyone at a formal party how much you love 80′s arcade games
Is that…a tie?
It is. It feels nice. It’s made of a silky, hard-wearing material, though I doubt it’s actually silk. The space invaders design is quite nice, and again fits the retro theme, but it’s an 80’s tie, one of those really thin bastards, and makes me look like even more of a hulking man-child. I’d probably only ever wear it to a job interview, and only then if it was a job interview for a ‘hulking manchild’ position.
My brother would actually like this. But then again, my brother is a very trendy guy who buys his clothes from actual designer clothes shops and puts me to shame with his sense of style. In that his style goes beyond picking up a Pokemon t-shirt off the floor and wondering if I can get away with the amount of baby sick on it.
I couldn’t take anyone seriously wearing this. Novelty ties just scream ‘no personality’. Isn’t that what they’re for? It’s another one of those lootcrate items that make me wonder if these things are specifically designed for 30-something office types.
Item #5: Comic Notebook
issue 2: the death (and rebirth) of Jeremy Bentham
Holy fuck. All bets are off! That’s a notebook! I carry a notebook everywhere! I have an entire collection of notebooks! I am currently jotting this down IN A NOTEBOOK! They can’t fuck this up for me, surely?!
For the rest of us, those who haven’t fetishized notebooks quite as much as you have, this is crap. You can’t use it. It’s specifically for sketching comics but I know artists who draw comics and none of them could use this. It’s tiny, for one. You’d have to have the tiny, tiny hands of a baby chimp to fit anything in the panels. It really is just hipster trash. Sit yourself in your local independent Starbucks alternative, get yourself an extra-wet chai latte or whatever the fuck, and pretend you produce independent comics about John Stuart Mill or something. In fact, voila.
I can’t write notes in it? This one should have been a dead cert for me! I COLLECT MOTHERFUCKING NOTE BOOKS! It’s, like, my thing! But even I can’t use this! I like the speech bubble stencil bit, but you’d have to tear that out to use it, at which point it’ll get lost forever at the bottom of the baby’s nappy bag.
It honestly looks like something you’d get in the bargain bin of a joke shop.
I’d pay maybe 25p for this, maybe at Christmas, for a stocking filler.
Item #6: Exclusive Star Wars Comic Book Issue 001
this is actually how lootcrates are delivered
It looks to be a number one comic of a Marvel Star Wars reprint, and I’m quite curious to see which one, since I loved the 90’s series’ that were made by Dark Horse. I don’t normally care much for the comics, as all my stuff is digital, but this one is pretty good. Good for eBay, at least. I’m impressed that it’s a first issue. It means that if I were to read this, I could enjoy it and read the next one if I wanted to. The other comics have always been issue #157 or something equally ridiculous.
The Rest?
featuring: babby’s first Nintendo fan-wank
Hang on…where’s the little bits of tat? Where’re the sweets? Where’s the downloadable loot?!
There isn’t any. Just the shitty magazine that nobody cares about, and the badge. Because you can’t not put the fucking badge in, can you, lootcrate? No, because the whole thing would fucking fall apart without a shitty pin badge in there, and – I need a lie down.
But that means there is legitimately less in here than any other box. Hm.
There’s the magazine?
I’m a fan of the magazine. I know a lot of people think it shouldn’t be in here because it takes away money from potential loot, but honestly I’ve been in a business that required a magazine like this and it really does cost pennies to print. It also offers the advertising for companies that give them the loot in the first place, giving them a reason to give the loot for cheap. So in a way the magazine is getting us more loot. This month’s magazine also features an ‘interview’ about Retro gaming (I’m assuming this is a misprint, because this isn’t an interview) and an article about Voltron, which worked for me, as I’d never actually heard of it.
The retro gaming article is a bit annoying though, as it’s just one guy waxing lyrical about how much he likes to wank over Nintendo under the guise of discussing ‘retro gaming’. Prepare yourselves for a shocker: Nintendo wasn’t the only company producing games in the 80s, even though it may have become one of the more iconic companies at the time there was much more on offer than Super Mario. I particularly enjoy; “Whether you’re a fan or not, it’s impossible not to love Nintendo…” which makes me wonder whether he understands what not being a fan of something is. For what it’s worth, I’m fairly ambivalent towards Nintendo, I’ve only ever really enjoyed Super Mario All Stars, but I’d rather not hear about how this fan favourite company single-handedly established the gaming industry.
The magazine sometimes has snippets that I’m interested in, so it’s worth a look. I get that it’s easy to make and contains advertising and incentives and all the kids of shit that makes them money, but do they really have to get such shitty writers to work on the articles? Fuck, this is the kind of thing that could really do with a letters page, or a feeback column or something. Anything but having to read through a bunch of dross about how much some guy loves Nintendo. I have no idea who it’s aimed at, with great phrases like: “If you were to name one iconic mascot for Nintendo, above all else, it would have to be Mario.” I can only assume the same kind of people that honestly think that Nintendo saved gaming. Fuck ‘em. Some of us were playing Bomberman and Lode Runner at the time and didn’t even notice the crash.
Overall Thoughts?
I guess the t-shirt is my favourite item, but that’s mostly because I’m not interested in anything else here rather than a reflection on the quality of the t-shirt. If anything it makes me long for the days, apparently long gone now, where deciding what my pick of the litter was actually a decision that I had to think about. I remember waiting for the lootcrate with excitement, whereas the last two times when it’s shown up on the door step there’s actually been a sinking feeling of ‘oh…that’. I hope the next one picks up because it certainly can’t get much worse.
Yeah, it’s the t-shirt for me, too. The selection wasn’t quite as bad as last month’s horrible offerings, but it’s certainly not what we’ve come to expect. There weren’t any actual neat promo items or clever downloadable bits and bobs this time around. Just straightforward ‘retro’ tat. As long as your idea of retro is pixel stuff, NES games and space invaders. The most fun I had with this one was drawing that comic, actually, but they can hardly be praised for that one. THE MELANCHOLY OF JOHN STUART MILL: ISSUE ONE COMING SOON! ORIGINAL IDEA DO NOT STEAL.
If for some fucking reason you’re interested in signing yourself up for a monthly crate o’ loot, then you can get a few bucks off at: http://mbsy.co/882QW. Keep checking WASDuk on facebook for loot-crate related giveaways!