Confession: I have no desire to ever go camping. Like ever again. To say I would be happy to never camp again would be an understatement. It’s to the point where when any co-workers discuss camping trips, be it with other grown-ass men or their children, I wince.
The entire father-son bonding aspect is not lost on me. Nor is the fact that young children (not just boys) should camp a few times in their life not just to learn about the “finer things,” or whatever, but to place some much-needed distance between the connected world and themselves for a few days, potentially learning some survival tips along the way.
To me, however, these lessons learned are done so with the hopes of creating a better man or woman down the road, one who is more successful because of knowledge obtained as a child, and one who can then afford things like decent hotel rooms or a nice suite in a lodge if one must still be on a campground. Personally, I work my ass off all year round so I can afford such far-reaching luxuries like running water and a stove and clean sheets. Crazy, I know. In my estimation, however, one reaches a certain age where they should no longer have to contend with things like bug bites or rashes or digging a place in which to flush the system while on vacation. For Arian Foster, however, his days outdoors, though not necessarily camping, have led him down a whole other path of lessons.
Follow along here as Foster turns an innocent (and understandable) concern into a Twitter-wide debate.
wanna go camping but "wildlife" scares the shit outta me.
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
I mean, this is totally fair. Like I mentioned above, but the bugs are just the tip of the iceberg. I’m not certain as to which part of the country Foster is looking to set up his tent, but there are much more threatening things than a few mosquitoes. For starters, raccoons scare the crap out me, so I couldn’t imagine having to deal with larger threats like bears or wolves or… wait, what’s that?
i honestly think i can get a wolf 1 on 1 tho.
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
OK, now things are getting interesting. This seems crazy on the cover as wolves are fierce and are legit predators and travel in packs so things could get testy. But Foster made sure to make this hypothetical battle a lone wolf, and not the Baron Corbin kind.1 One Twitter user suspects Foster would be dead in 10 minutes after encountering said wolf, however, to which Foster responded.
i'm 230, wolfs are what, 180-200 tops? he has no thumbs. if i control his neck he's dunzo. https://t.co/j9vf2knwqI
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
Actually, 180 pounds is the very high end of the wolf spectrum, with most sitting in the low triple-digits, so Foster may be on to something. It’s also here where the running back mentions his thumbs as well as the wolf’s lack thereof. He’s obviously thought this through.
Nevertheless, Foster went on to discuss the conditions in which he was raised, inferring that his street toughness from his days in Albuquerque would only serve to help him in the wild.
wolves don't scare me like that cuz in my neighborhood was a bunch of loose enraged pits. if he alone i think i can get him.
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
It took a few tweets into the storm, but then one fan mentions the entire wolf pack thing. As if he’s never seen Frozen…
none of them have thumbs. https://t.co/zoyE5MhGWH
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
Ah, right. Back to he thumbs. Foster clearly does not take his thumbs for granted. The “pack” discussion led to my favorite reply in this entire situation wherein a user drops in a dynamite Wu-Tang reference, which leads to a series of replies that, in the event you were actually giving Foster a chance at this point, may actually tip the scales into his favor.
thumbs means i can grab him .he can't grab me. all he has is a mouth. grab his neck he can't bite. https://t.co/5s61cihKVb
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
thumbs means i can grab him .he can't grab me. all he has is a mouth. grab his neck he can't bite. https://t.co/5s61cihKVb
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
if we run into each other in my head "oh yea it's on, wolf". he's jus like "what is this aggressive species threatening me."
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
i've studied the wolf. he can't read. i know his weaknesses. plus the thumb thing.
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
Touché on the whole illiterate animals thing–wolves have no choice but to rumble on instincts alone. Now, I don’t necessarily think the lack of a high school biology class will render a wolf unable to lunge for the neck or what have you, but the inner hypothetical dialogue is absolutely golden. Plus: “The thumb thing”
bro you think a wolf knows where my artery is? all the sudden i'm fighting a wolf that knows biology? https://t.co/0rKRorDSaw
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
It wasn’t going to be long before the nerds started discussing probabilities because they have to ruin everything, but nevertheless, we have one who gives the wolf the upper hand over nearly the entire human race.
i'm in the 10%! https://t.co/ckVe2m1svx
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
While debated, the results of this prognostication are far ranging. While 90 percent of Twitter being taken out by wolves may border on wishful thinking, this specific wildlife activist actually puts survival at about 75 percent. They do, however, mention that weight—the first arrow in Foster’s quiver—matters little as wolves have been known to take down moose and other animals far larger, but when you factor in that Foster is, despite his recent issues, among the upper tier of physically fit human beings, it’s starting to become tough to bet against him. Some meatheads debated the same here, many of which—to little surprise—sided with man over beast.
Foster rolls on, plucking arguments against him out of the sky like clay pigeons.
"what about his teeth? and claws?" this ain't a video game. one hit and i'm done. it's a fight.
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
if he bites me his main weapon is immobilized. then becomes vulnerable. this is why thumbs are so important.
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
Things got a bit humorous when former teammate Duane Brown piled on with a jab that Foster was “scared” to pet his dog. It didn’t take long for Foster to respond back with his man-versus-beast reasoning.
not scared he's bite me. scared he'd try me and i'd have to kill your dog. https://t.co/E8DWVC6Xwt
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
And then once a fan tried to question Foster’s health as an athlete, the former running back dropped the hammer.
also hasn't been to 4 probowls, overcome those injuries and DOESNT HAVE THUMBS. advg: me, fucker. https://t.co/337xEc8k05
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
If there’s ever been a mic drop moment on Twitter, this was the one. Yahoo Sports ran a poll following this ever-so entertaining discussion with the results pretty much (no pun intended) neck and neck. The incredibly self-aware Foster would make the poll his Twitter bio header image, skewered those who question his beliefs without substantial reasoning (“pop some follicles back on that culdesac” was amazing, for the record), and blamed our casual fear of wolves on the fact that fairy tales all cast wolves as the bad guys. The end of Little Red Riding Hood was no joke. Just one more reason to never hang out in the woods.
This Week’s Edition of #ActualSportswriting:
“Tim Tebow’s Relentless Pursuit of Failure” by David Fleming (ESPN)
“Arthur” by Tom Rinaldi and Kristen Lappas (ESPN/SC Featured)
“James Harden, the NBA’s unlikely MVP” by Lee Jenkins (Sports Illustrated)
“Why Our Champions Are Getting Older” by David Epstein (NY Times)
Which, at 6-8, 275 may actually be a tougher task.