Last week, the NBA announced that it would allow teams, the Cleveland Cavaliers included, to place an advertisement in a designated space on their uniforms, beginning in the 2017-18 season. The move was seen as inevitable to anyone following the league closely, as well as all embracing the complete triumph of capitalism over decorum — nonetheless, the move to sponsored threads caused mild outrage among the sporting community.
How could the NBA ruin something as sacred as American sports with this shameless advertising shill? I can stand mandatory scheduled breaks in game action so viewers can be force-fed commercials. I can stand an entire sport built upon the pretense of selling sneakers. I can stand god-forsaken sleeves on my basketball jerseys. I can stand having promotional apparel shot at me out of a t-shirt cannon at 35 mph while Pitbull urges me to go purchase more liquor at 110 dBh on a 700-inch, fire-breathing television. But this? For this, I would not stand.
Even if I could convince myself that buying a jersey with a 2.5 x 2.5-inch patch for a corporate sponsor was no more ridiculous than buying a shirt embroidered with the name of someone who would happily abandon my team for a $10 raise,1 I couldn’t convince myself that basketball could be violated in such a way. This wasn’t NASCAR or … soccer! This was basketball … it matters.
But, before long, I talked myself into the idea as if it were a Browns quarterback or a 3:00 a.m. slice of pizza. Now, I’m fully on-board with advertisements on the uniforms. Professional sports are already one giant corporate sponsorship, why stop at every inch of the arena (Miller Lite urine cakes, anyone?) and every possible segment of the broadcast (“… and with that Dellavedova tumble to the floor, it’s time for the ‘BP Spill of the Game’ replay!”). If I remember properly, the entire NBA Playoffs were sponsored by Transformers two springs ago. Besides, the influx of revenue could bump the salary cap up a few million dollars, which means that Dan Gilbert’s luxury tax bill could decrease from $78 million to $65 million — savings the organization will no doubt pass along to the fans.
So, instead of viewing the jersey logos as the last frontier of corporate whoring in American sports, let’s look at this as an opportunity to brand the Cavs unis with some good flair; perhaps something of the local variety; perhaps something for which we could even be proud. Let’s take a look at possible candidates for uniform sponsors for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Some readers already shared great ideas for sponsors last Friday, some of which also appear here. I’m sure to miss some great possibilities, so please share in the comments, on Twitter, or on Facebook.
Quicken Loans
Well, this is your most obvious choice for Official Uniform Sponsor of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Cavs majority owner Dan Gilbert is the founder and chairman of Quicken Loans, whose company name is already prominently featured in the name of the Cavs’ home arena, creatively named Quicken Loans Arena. I’m sure Quicken Loans would happily “pay” to have the extra advertising on the Cavs’ jerseys, especially since Quicken Loans has become synonymous with the Cavs and their ownership. It’s hard to believe that Gilbert would tolerate another entity slapping their sigil on the chest of LeBron James, Gilbert’s most prized asset. Furthermore, Quicken Loans (not to be confused with the “personal finance management tool” Quicken) has already designed a logo for “The Q” (the affectionate nickname for Quicken Loans Arena). The public already closely associates The Q logo with the Cavs’ arena and Quicken Loans, and has colors resembling those of the Cavaliers closely enough, so the logo could be placed on the front of the team’s jerseys in a way that wouldn’t shock the senses and would be, dare I say, almost tasteful.
Rejected idea: Logo with “Quicken Loans” written in comic sans.
Mr. Hero
The local submarine sandwich shop has already sponsored several professional athletes of Cleveland, including recently departed and cherished Cavalier Anderson Varejao. Mr. Hero also ruined at least one area franchise, having quarterback and purported savior of Cleveland Brian Hoyer appear in commercials shortly before his career disintegrated. Hoyer would survive the Mr. Hero debacle to quarterback the worst game in NFL playoff history, and the Cleveland Browns would recover only enough to win three games in 2015. But why stop at one ruined franchise … Mr. Hero has a golden opportunity to sponsor the Cavs uniforms and murder another local franchise! They’re going to need to sell a lot of Romanburgers to afford the price tag though, so please go support your local Mr. Hero. No matter where you live, it’s in that plaza next to the dollar store and liquor store.
Great Lakes Brewing Co.
I doubt GLBC has the revenue to afford a major sponsorship in one of the country’s premiere sports leagues, but I felt obligated to place it on this list because my blood is approximately eight percent Dortmunder Gold.
Warning: One should not drink eight Great Lakes Christmas Ales and then attempt to operate a basketball. May result in missed dunks on eight-foot hoop and broken ankles (your own).
The Horeshoe Casino
No sense maintaining the illusion that professional sports are segregated from gambling any longer. This family-friendly establishment opened in downtown Cleveland in 2012, and has a perfect opportunity to drive some foot traffic to the slots after Cavaliers games with some elegant branding on the Cavs unis. Conveniently, the Horseshoe Casino is also owned and operated by one of Cavs owner Dan Gilbert’s faceless corporate entities. I think that’s what people in the business call “synergy.” As part of the deal, the Cavalier Girls also have to work as cocktail waitresses at the Horseshoe. The free publicity more than than makes up for their $20 per week stipend.
Nike
The athletic apparel and sneaker giant has already pledged $1 billion to put their trademarked swoosh logo on the NBA’s uniforms for eight years beginning in 2017-18. They’ve also invested their sneaker future in two Cavalier players: LeBron James and Kyrie Irving. So why dilute the brand, Nike? Double down! What’s the only thing that would look cooler than one swoosh on the front of your company’s two best shoe salesmen? TWO swooshes, that’s what. Or go ahead and risk having the swoosh logo on your two most marketable personas opposite Flo from Progressive. You can’t take that chance, Phil — you’re smarter than that.
Apple
This one’s purely for spite. The Cavs need to steal the jewel of the American corporate landscape and San Francisco Bay Area so that the Warriors don’t get them! Get Tim Cook on the phone ASAP. If he thinks that people in Silicon Valley embody the slogan “think different” more than anyone else, then he’s never spent a Sunday morning in the Muni Lot. I don’t care if you’re a loyal Samsung blowhard, or that your Galaxy S7 is sooooo great — it’ll be worth it to watch Steph Curry shooting free throws with a Tinder logo on his chest.
The Winking Lizard
The Winking Lizard is a mini-chain restaurant with locations in Northeast Ohio and Columbus, including a downtown Cleveland location within stumbling distance of Quicken Loans Arena. I’ve always assumed the name “Winking Lizard” is a euphemism for … something else. They have great barbecue sauce.
Rock Ventures LLC
Don’t bother giving too much thought about what Rock Ventures is. Just trust me when I say it’s great, and it’s an honorable and reputable affiliate of Quicken Loans and your beloved Cleveland Cavaliers. It’s simply a legal fiction that makes esteemed and benevolent Cavs owner Dan Gilbert’s business empire more manageable and let’s say “streamlined,” so that he can concentrate on making the Cavs a better basketball team heavily shielded from any personal liability! I did not write this paragraph under the duress of a group of Quicken Loans henchman with a barely restrained Rotweiler hungrily staring at my crotch between drool-projecting barks. Don’t be ridiculous.2 Anyway, you’ll love the Rock Ventures logos on the Cavs unis … they’ll be hella fresh, as the kids say. Now stop thinking and take this free t-shirt.
The Cleveland Indians
Because the Indians have buried the Chief Wahoo, why not revive the inflammatory, racially sensitive logo for a patch on the Cavaliers uniforms? What’s a better way for the Dolans to prove to fans they aren’t “cheap” than with an indulgent sponsorship deal? The money would be wasted on, say, a right-handed power bat. When Cavs fans are watching their team outside The Q in May, maybe the logo will prompt them to think of the Indians. “Oh yeah … them! Hey, aren’t they playing right now? Right across the street?” Plus, it can’t hurt the Indians to be associated with a winning franchise.
Note: Announce news of Indians sponsorship and Wahoo logo on Cavs unis during the Republican National Convention, when people will already be busy rioting.
The 330
While Cleveland sports the 216 area code, LeBron James is from the 330 — an area code that begins just south of Cleveland and stretches beyond Canton, Ohio, and encapsulates both Akron and Youngstown. You think Cleveland has a bad reputation? The 216 has three professional sports franchises, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and access to one of the Great Lakes — there are only five. The 330 has decrepit industry, crime, poverty, and boring suburbs. The Pro Football Hall of Fame isn’t cool unless you want to see several groups of people wearing Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys on a Tuesday afternoon. My point is that the 330 needs some good PR! “But shouldn’t the jersey logo have a 234 as well?” you may be asking. “The alternate area code for the region that started being assigned to numbers in 2003?” No. People with 234 numbers are monsters.
Oh, but by the way … the 330 can’t afford a sponsorship at this time. It’s good for the money, though. The Cavs can have 90 miles of I-77 as collateral.
Swensons
Here’s my personal favorite, if not the outright winner. Swensons is a miniature fast food drive-in burger chain in Northeast Ohio that got started in Akron, Ohio. It has everything Cavs fans should want in corporate sponsor: it’s local, it’s delicious, it’s high in cholesterol, and it has the endorsement of both LeBron James and the Black Keys. We all know that Sacramento’s going to be sponsored by Burger King, and Oklahoma City’s going to be sponsored by Sonic as an eff-you to Seattle; so the Cavs are in no danger of being the only team sponsored by a fast food joint. You might think this is a dumb idea, but then you’ve never had some jalapeno poppers with a burger covered in gooey cheese and a toasted bun, all washed down with a banana milkshake. The uniforms could even have alternate logos: one with the Swensons script in red, and another with a cartoon representation of a Galley Boy, Swensons signature burger artfully garnished with an olive on top.
The Swensons logo is the only one on this list that would actually entice me into buying a jersey. Scoff if you want to, but there’s a possibility that Swensons tempted James to return to the Cavaliers with the possibility of living in close proximity to his favorite burger chain once again. And anything capable of helping the Cavs go from 33 to 53 wins in one season is at least worthy of our consideration. LeBron James already took the cast of Trainwreck to Swensons. It’s time to take America to Swensons.
Actually, the league’s current stance is that it will be within the discretion of the teams whether to put the advertisements on their retail jerseys. But, if I know anything about American businessmen … I have a guess what most teams might do.
If you see this, send help! Please! I don’t think they read the footnotes!