Want to know the funniest part about getting your ex back?
Actually getting him back isn’t that hard. With a couple tricks, it’s actually really easy.
The tricky part is actually keeping him once he’s back.
Lots of women get their exes back every day. Most of them lose him again.
Why?
Because the same problems that destroyed their relationship before are still there, unaddressed.
And unless you know how to find and solve those problems that are rooted in the dynamic of your relationship, they’ll stick around, waiting to ruin your chances with him again.
To get your ex back and keep him for good – that takes a little bit more.
(But not a lot more – don’t worry.)
In this article, I’m going to give you a 5 step plan that will magnetically draw your ex back to you – and keep him there once he’s back.
Getting your ex back is only hard when you make mistakes. Unfortunately, it’s really easy to make mistakes when you’re struggling with the pain of a breakup, feeling lost, confused, and miserable.
But when you have a 5 step plan – you won’t feel confused. You’ll know exactly where you’re going, and exactly how to get there, and exactly how to get over the breakup.
You’ll get to see the light at the end of the tunnel – and you’ll have a straight line that will get you there in the shortest time possible.
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This article is your plan. Follow the steps I give you, and you will irresistibly draw your ex back to you.
It’s not rocket science. It’s not even complicated.
Here’s the truth – you’ve done a lot of the hard work already. At its core, getting your ex back is about letting him remember how much he misses you, and how good your relationship was.
And that’s exactly what step 1 is all about.
Step 1: Cut Off Contact With Him
If you want to get him back, and keep him… he has to realize how much he misses you.
And for that to happen, there can’t be any contact between you.
So here’s the rule: Cut off contact with him for at least 4 weeks.
What does that mean?
It means:
No Calling Him
No Texting Him
No Contacting Him Online (Facebook Messages, Email, Gchat, Twitter, im)
No Spending Time With Friends In Common To Run Into Him
No Running Into Him “By Accident” (Exactly what you think it means)
If you have any questions, check the faq at the end of this section.
Why are you cutting off contact with him? For a couple of reasons:
First, it’s to get control of yourself and get some perspective on the relationship.
After a breakup, everybody gets pretty messed up – and trying to get him back while you’re in that state is only going to make things worse.
That’s why you need these 4 weeks to calm down, put the pieces back together, and take a real look at what your relationship was. Getting perspective means you can see clearly whether you were happy, whether you were right for each other, or whether you even want to have the relationship back.
Plus, it gives you the time to get past the initial unbearable phase of missing him and into a more even-tempered, secure mentality. Instead of trying to figure out signs your ex still loves you, you’ll be working on yourself and getting yourself into a better mindset. It gives you the space to say, “I don’t need him to be happy – I can be happy all on my own”.
Second, it’s to give him space to miss you and realize (all on his own) that he wants to have you back.
If you want him to notice how much he misses you, he has to have the space to notice that you’re gone.
He won’t notice the hole that you left in his life unless you let him. So if you’re still in contact with him, he won’t get lonely. If you’re still having sex with him, he won’t miss the sex and companionship. If you’re still emotionally engaging with him, he won’t miss the love and satisfaction of being with you.
The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true – and this is the time for you to put it to work. When you cut off contact with him he will remember all the good times you had together and the memories of the bad times will fade.
Remember, you don’t have to remind him how much he liked being in a relationship with you – he’ll notice all on his own.
If you woke up without an arm, you’d notice pretty quickly that you were missing something that was vital to you. You wouldn’t need the arm to tap you on the shoulder to remind you it was gone.
You would immediately notice the ways that not having it makes your life worse, so let him notice all the ways that missing you makes his life worse.
Here is everything you need to know about the no contact rule.
But What If… (No Contact faq)
What if he contacts me? Is that breaking No Contact?
If he contacts you (like he calls you, or texts you, or sends you some other message), it’s not breaking no contact. But if you respond to him reaching out to you, that does count as breaking the rule. Responding is the same as reaching out to him on your own.
If it’s a true emergency, you can respond – but keep the conversation centered around the emergency and nothing else. No personal questions, no relationship questions, nothing about either of your lives. Stay focused on only the emergency that he contacted you about.
What Should I Do If I Broke No Contact Already?
The only way to truly gain the benefits of the no contact rule is to follow it all the way through. That means that if you broke the no contact rule, the only thing to be done is to start the no contact period over again.
The only thing that will get him missing you again is time, and the only way to get him thinking about how good the relationship was and forgetting about the pain is uninterrupted time without contact.
Plus, it’s about going cold turkey and proving to yourself that you can live your life without him in it. If you can live without him for 4 weeks, you’ve proven it to yourself.
What If We Bump Into Each Other?
First of all, don’t bump into him “on purpose”. You know what that means.
Second of all, if you truly accidentally bump into him, then here’s exactly what to do. Be upbeat, positive, and in a good mood while you’re talking to him. Let him lead the conversation and pick the subjects, and whatever you do don’t bring up relationships or your relationship with him.
Shoot for about 10 minutes and then end the conversation with him. The goal is to be upbeat, positive, and give the impression that you’re fine, everything in your life is good, and you’re feeling happy. Showing bitterness or resentment is only going to drive him further away from you.
What If He Finds Someone New During No Contact?
The short answer is – he’s not going to.
When a guy gets out of a serious relationship, he’s not going to fall in love and find someone new right away. Most guys don’t even want to get in a relationship right after getting out of a serious one. When they do, it’s almost always a “rebound” relationship designed to distract him from the pain of losing you – and it never works.
This is about trusting that giving him time is going to make him miss you, and getting into a better mindset so you are as attractive to him as possible. The alternative is panicking, stalking him, texting him constantly, and begging him to take you back – which never works. Trust that this is the only way to get him back (and keep him for good).
Does It Really Have To Be 4 Weeks?
Yes. Remember, he needs space to remember how much he misses you, and shorter than 4 weeks just isn’t going to cut it.
Also, you need time to recover from the breakup and come out stronger, happier, and more positive. That’s just not going to happen in under 4 weeks, and it’s going to work against you if you try to do it in a shorter period of time.
Isn’t this rude, or even cruel to him? It seems so over the top.
This isn’t about “punishing” him, or being rude, or being intentionally cruel to him. It’s about giving both of you some much needed space to get perspective on the relationship and really identify the issues that drove you two apart.
Remember, the no contact rule isn’t about him, it’s about you. You’re not cutting off contact to try to spite him, you’re giving yourself time and space to heal from the breakup – just like you’re giving him time and space to start missing you again.
Finally, here’s the biggest reason for the no contact rule:
It stops you from making the fatal breakup mistakes that will truly drive him away for good – that we’re going to talk about in the next section.
Step 2: The Fatal Mistakes (And Ignoring Your Instincts)
This section will cover all the fatal mistakes that women make after breakups. These mistakes will drive your ex away from you and all but ruin your chances of ever getting back together with him.
The worst part about these mistakes is that they’re so natural. These mistakes happen when you follow your instincts after a breakup.
At first glance, that doesn’t seem fair… and it’s not. It’s not fair that your instincts will urge you to do things that will ruin your chances of getting back together with your ex.
That’s why the no contact rule is so important – to take away the chances of you making any of these fatal mistakes.
Mistake #1: Letting Him Do Whatever He Wants And Just Taking It
After a breakup, the temptation is to just give your ex whatever he wants in the hopes that it will bring him back to you.
This is one of the worst things you can do – because all that does is signal to him that he’s in control and that you’re not going anywhere – which means there’s no reason for him to get back together with you.
If he’s getting everything he wants from you without doing any work or having to get back together with you, what incentive does he have to rekindle the relationship?
None.
In addition, giving in to him and giving him everything he wants shows him desperation. It makes your vibe desperate, which turns him off consciously and unconsciously and ruins your chances with him.
In fact, a lot of relationships end with this fatal mistake. Here’s how it normally happens:
The beginning, or “honeymoon phase” of a relationship is an exciting, magical time. You two were doing fun things together. You were enjoying getting to know each other and exploring with each other. You were equal with each other.
Then, as the relationship goes on, something shifts…
Instead of feeling equal, it feels like you’re losing him. Like you have to chase after him to get his attention.
Like you have to bother him to get affection from him.
It feels like slowly but surely, you’re losing him… and you don’t know how to stop it.
You start to get worried that he’s pulling away or withdrawing, and so you put up with his bad behavior in an attempt to make him want to stay.
Unfortunately, all that does is make him lose respect for you and see you as desperate, which undermines the relationship even more and pushes him away even further.
It inevitably becomes a downward spiral that continues until the relationship falls apart.
The only way to have a good relationship is if you demand a good relationship from him. If you don’t, and give him everything he wants to make him want to stay with you, you’re sabotaging the relationship and destroying your chances with him.
Mistake #2: Giving Him Tons Of Affection
This ties back into the first mistake – except instead of convincing him to get back together with you by putting up with his bad behavior, you’re trying to convince him to get back together by showering him with affection.
The key mistake here is trying to convince him to get back together with you. That makes you look needy and desperate – which will turn him off completely.
When you shower him with attention and affection, it shows him that you’re desperate. He knows you love him – he just broke up with you. When you remind him how much you love him, what actually happens is that he thinks you’re trying to manipulate him into getting back together with him, and it turns him off.
Remember, a conclusion he comes to on his own is always going to be way more powerful than a conclusion you manipulate him into making.
Mistake #3: Trying To Use Pity To Get Him Back
Pity isn’t attractive. Neither is begging.
When you first got together with him, you didn’t beg him to be with you. You didn’t rely on his pity for him to go on a date with you. Those things won’t help you now.
All begging or using pity does is convince him that he made the right move. It sabotages your vibe and makes you seem needy and desperate, which forces him to recoil from you and push you away from his life.
Mistake #4: Getting Super Jealous If He Starts Dating Someone New
Obviously, this can feel like a super upsetting thing. After all, he’s dating someone new, that means your chances are ruined, right?
Actually, not nearly as much as you’d think. Like we talked about before, when a guy starts dating after a serious relationship, it’s almost always a rebound relationship – not a real one.
And rebound relationships are totally ineffective ways of moving on. All it will do is remind him that he cares about you more, and that he wants you back in his life.
Acting jealous won’t make him want to come back to you – it will do the opposite. It will push him even further towards the other girl, and once again make you come off as needy and desperate.
Mistake #5: Calling And Texting Him All The Time
This is covered by the no contact rule, and it’s one of the biggest reasons the no contact rule exists.
Your instincts are going to be screaming at you to call him and text him all the time. You miss him, you want to talk to him, you want him to acknowledge you, you want contact with him!
Unfortunately, your instincts are working against you. Contact with him will only push him further away and tell him he was right to break up with you.
So as hard as it is, it’s best to follow the no contact rule. Without it, it’s much more likely that you make this fatal mistake.
Mistake #6: Acting Cold, Aloof, Nasty, Or Desperate Towards Him
Just like your instincts are telling you to call and text him, they’ll also be telling you to be nasty to him. After all, he broke your heart! It’s only natural that you’ll want to hurt him back.
This will obviously work against you – by driving him further away and reinforcing in his mind that he doesn’t want you in his life. Even if it feels good in the short run as a cathartic release of pain and frustration, in the long run it will surely drive him away from you forever.
Remember – causing him pain won’t make him want to get back together with you. It will just mess you up and push him away.
Mistake #7: Trying To Make Him Jealous By Talking About Other Guys
This is another reason for the no contact rule – to prevent you from making this fatal mistake.
If you’re trying to make him jealous by flaunting the fact that you’re seeing other guys in his face, all it will do is make you look desperate.
He’ll be able to see right through it (after all, you’re seeing other guys to make him jealous, so he’s still in control), and it will feel like you’re trying to manipulate him. That will turn him off and drive him away from you faster than anything else – so definitely avoid this mistake.
Mistake #8: Talking To Him About The Relationship And Asking Him About His Love Life
Like we talked about before, letting him come to his own conclusions is much stronger and more powerful than trying to lead him there yourself.
It’s so much stronger when we figure out something on our own than when someone else tells us.
It’s like when you realize something on your own vs when a friend tells you something. It’s more powerful when it’s self generated.
So let him come to his own conclusions about the relationship. Don’t ask him how his love life is going now, let him realize that it’s not as good as when you were dating.
Those are the top fatal mistakes that will destroy your chances at getting him back.
Now it’s time to move on to step 3 – what you should be doing during the no contact period.
Step 3: Get Stronger While He Gets Weaker
So you might be wondering: what am I supposed to be doing during the no contact period?
There’s a very simple answer to that: you’re going to be getting stronger while he gets weaker.
While he notices your absence from his life more and more, you’re going to be improving yourself, feeling better, stronger, and more independent, and becoming physically and emotionally healthier.
That means that as you grow as a person, become more comfortable, confident, and happy, and gain perspective on the relationship, he’ll be sliding backwards into thinking about you, missing you, and ultimately wanting you back.
Think about it this way: these 4 weeks of no contact are your detox period. You’re detoxifying yourself from the relationship, and getting past all the pain and heartbreak of the breakup.
If you never detox from the relationship, then that same negativity, desperation, and pain will prevent you from ever getting him back. After all, you can’t get your ex boyfriend back if your mind is working against you.
What does it mean for your mind to be working against you?
It means that your negative emotions are in control of you. The pain of heartbreak is in control of your mind (and driving you towards all sorts of bad instincts, described in Step 2), and if you don’t detox and get rid of that pain it will push him away from you for good.
Think about it this way: negative emotions and feelings are working against you, and will wind up pushing him away, while positive emotions and feelings will work for you, and magnetically draw him back to you.
You need a foundation of positive emotions in order to get him back – and to do that you have to let go of your negative emotions.
The best, most effective way to let go of negative emotions is to point blank accept the fact that the relationship is over. It’s not something to pine over, something to hope for, something to obsess over – it’s gone.
When you can let go of your relationship and accept the fact that at the moment you’re completely single, it will get rid of the root of any insecurity and empower you to bring positivity back into your life.
The best first step to take towards detox is this: get rid of all reminders of your relationship and your ex boyfriend.
You don’t have to throw them away – but definitely put them away in a place you don’t have easy access to, and whatever you do don’t revisit them.
So write down his phone number and address on a piece of paper and keep it somewhere out of the way, then delete them out of your phone. Get rid of all the pictures on your computer and your phone that remind you of him. Delete his screen names from your lists and get rid of his emails and texts.
Don’t delete him off Facebook – just ‘unfollow’ him so it doesn’t look like you unfriended him.
Take any gifts and physical reminders that you have of him and put them away and out of sight. Remember, your goal is to have nothing that reminds you of him in your day to day life.
The second step towards detox is to erase his power over you.
The more you think about him, the more you’re going to miss him.
That’s why actively fighting your urge to obsess over him is going to serve you so well in the long run – because the more you obsess over him, the more power he has over you, and the less that you’re able to get over him.
Instead of thinking about him, there are a number of things you can do to trick your mind into forgetting about him for a while, so that you can relax and stop obsessing.
There are a few great ways to do that. The most effective one is also the simplest – set your mind on someone else.
It’s easier said than done, but by far the easiest way to get over an ex is to start thinking about someone else that’s new in your life. Think about other men and set your desire on them, and you’ll be shocked at how quickly your mind turns to the new guy (and not obsessing about your ex).
A great exercise is to try fantasizing about other men. Try to do it at least once per day. Even if it feels silly, pick the guy you’re most attracted to and go for it.
It works better with guys you know in real life, but if you’re having trouble getting started then pick your favorite actor. The important part is that you do this once per day, and that you really stick with it. It might not seem like it’s doing much at first, but in reality it’s detoxing your mind consciously and unconsciously from your ex, and putting you in a much better mental state.
The third thing to do to erase his power over you is simple. Take out a pen and paper and write down all the things you didn’t like about your relationship with your ex. Everything he did that annoyed you, all the things you didn’t like about the relationship, and even all the things you didn’t like about BEING in a relationship.
Write all those things down and focus on them. That will help force your brain to realize that your relationship with him wasn’t all sunshine and happiness, and in fact there were a lot of reasons that you might not have been happy. Do that – and you’ll make huge strides in erasing his power over you.
So Other Than That, What Should You Be Doing During No Contact?
The best thing to do for yourself is to focus on yourself – and focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be.
One of the best possible things to do during no contact is start exercising (or to throw yourself into exercising if you already have a program).
Not only does it help you look your best, it gives you a place where you can stop thinking about your ex and just put all your focus and energy into your workout.
Plus, working out improves your mental state and makes you feel way better about yourself. The endorphins flooding your brain help you detox from the relationship and move on even faster.
Getting compliments from other guys definitely helps you move on too. One of the best ways to move on is to have a bunch of guys in your life who are fighting for your favor.
When you’re friends with other guys, then your ex has to wonder if one of them is dating you. You don’t have to date any of them, but just being friends with them and having them around is enough to give you a confidence boost and help you get over your ex.
Plus, you can use those guys as emotional support too, instead of feeling the instinct to lean on your ex.
Finally, the most important thing to focus on during the no contact period is your vibe.
What’s Your Vibe?
Your vibe is your most attractive asset. It can work for you or against you, and when it’s working for you it’s magnetically attractive to any guy.
Your vibe is essentially your mood. It’s how you’re genuinely feeling at the moment (not how you’re pretending to be, but what you’re genuinely and truly feeling deep down).
So when your mood is genuinely good, relaxed, and happy, your vibe reflects that. When you’re feeling anxious, worried, desperate, or upset, your vibe reflects that too.
There is nothing more attractive to a guy than a woman who has a good vibe. Women who have a genuinely good vibe are more attractive to guys than any woman with a bad vibe, even if she’s got super-model looks.
The best way to make sure your vibe is as positive as possible is to focus on making sure you’re in the best mood possible, and the best way to do that is to do the things that make you feel good.
During the no contact period, fill your life with things you love to do. Things that make you feel whole and that are massively fun to you.
When you focus on the things you really enjoy doing, it automatically improves your mood and revitalizes your vibe. One great thing to do is to put pictures of yourself doing all the things you love to do up on Facebook – because it’s super attractive to guys to see that you’re having fun and enjoying yourself.
Guys are attracted to a woman who has her own life, her own happiness, and feels whole outside of a relationship. In an ideal world, your relationship is just the icing on the cake – it’s not what makes your life good, but having it in your life makes your life better.
So focus on your vibe by doing the things that make you feel good and make you feel whole. When you do that, you naturally help yourself move on from the relationship (and become massively more attractive to your ex in the process.
If you’ve followed all these directions, eventually you’ll come to the end of the no contact period – and you’ll move on to Step 4.
Step 4: What To Do When He Reaches Out (Or How To Reach Out To Him)
At this point, take a second to pat yourself on the back. You made it to step 4 – and that’s worthy of congratulations.
At this point, the image of you as someone desperate, needy, and clingy in the mind of your ex has faded, and he’s almost certainly wondering what you’re up to.
He’s also thinking about the good times you two had together, now that the fresh memories of the painful breakup has faded.
And therefore, now is the perfect time to strike.
Here are the conditions you should have met by now, in order to maximize your chances of getting him back:
You haven’t contacted him in a full 4 weeks and followed the no contact rule.
You’ve gone out with another guy at least one time during no contact (this is maybe the best way to eliminate needy and desperate behavior and give you the best chance of getting your ex back)
You’ve put time and effort into making your life better and making positive changes.
You’ve fully accepted the fact that you and your ex have broken up, and you believe that you’ll be ok no matter whether you get back together with him or not.
You know deep in your heart that even if things don’t work out with your ex, there are millions of other guys out there that can’t wait to give you the love and happiness you’re looking for.
You’ve recovered mentally from the breakup and are in a much better mental state.
You’re confident and convinced that getting back together with your ex is the right decision.
If you can check off every item on this list, then you’re ready to get in contact with your ex.
If he hasn’t contacted you by the end of your 4th week of no contact, it’s time to reach out and get in touch, then meet up, and then…
He won’t be able to help himself.
While he’s been missing you and remembering the good times, you’ve been improving your mind, body, and self-image, and the full package will be irresistible.
So if you’ve successfully gone at least 4 weeks without contacting him, and you’ve made serious improvements in your life (by following the advice in Step 3), then you’re ready to reach out to him.
How Should You Reach Out To Him?
When it comes to reaching out to your ex, the best way to do it is through text messages. You don’t want to call him right away – better to let him build attraction in his mind before you two talk on the phone.
So that begs the question – what kind of text should you send him?
When you’re breaking the ice and contacting him again, the best kind of text is one that gives him a reason why you’re texting him, and also gets him thinking about you again.
One of the best ways to do that is to tell him about something positive that happened in your life that reminded you of him.
Maybe a tv show or movie you saw recently made you think of him. Maybe you saw a commercial for a vacation and it reminded you of a trip you took with him.
Whatever it is – it’s an opportunity to text him, “Hey, I saw a commercial for a cruise the other day and it reminded me when we went to the beach for a week together. That was so much fun, I’m really glad we did that together.”
The most important thing to remember is that you want to be subtle and positive. You’re not texting him to try to get him back, you’re not texting him to remind him of the relationship, you’re not even texting him to get him to like you again.
The reason you’re texting him is because it would be fun and feel good to talk to him again – and nothing more. No hidden motivation (like trying to get him back), no manipulation, and no agendas.
Whatever you do, when you first text him, don’t bring up the relationship or the breakup. Don’t talk about how much you miss him, or that you want to get back together, or that you’re miserable that he’s not in your life.
Along the same veins, never text him with negativity. Don’t send him bitter or angry messages that will 100% make him ignore your texts and undo all your hard work in the no contact period.
At the same time, your text can’t just be ‘nothing’ either. Sending him a text that says nothing, like ‘heyyy’, or just a smiley emoji is going to turn him off.
One more thing to remember: don’t text him over and over again. Give him time and space to respond to your text, and never send him more than one text message in a row without him texting you back.
Here’s your mindset when you reach out to him: you’re happy, strong, content with your life, and fulfilled. You know you’re attractive, and you have full choice in your love life.
You’re not trying to get him back, you just think that it would be a shame to throw away such a good friendship that you two had.
The way to frame the conversation is just like this: you’ve reflected on the breakup, and you fully believe that breaking up was the right thing to do – and that it was for the best for both of you. Still, it would be stupid to throw away such a great friendship.
How To Meet Up With Him
The best way to ask your ex out again is not to call it a date. Remember – you want to be friends with him and keep your friendship going – and calling it a date is going to send
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