So this is it for 2013. A year in which Nelson Mandela died but Rupert Murdoch resolutely refused to, it’s worth pausing while 2013 holds the door open for 2014 to think about the big things that happened.
January got the year off to a bang with Australia joining the UN Security Council. That resulted in wild, jubilant celebrations in at least three political offices. Crowd control was briefly lost, resulting in the torching of a small wastepaper basket, but eventually order was restored after revellers were offered a glass of sherry and some iced vovos. The United States government walked to the edge of a fiscal cliff, peered over and found China grinning lecherously at it from the abyss before pulling back. Russia, ever the benevolent supporter of human rights, graciously granted citizenship to (ex)-French actor Gérard Gepardieu, who left in a huff in response to raised taxes. (Sadly for Gérard, it was not until March that his nose was granted Russian Citizenship in a follow-up ceremony.) The Church of England decided that gay clergy in civil partnerships could become bishops, so long as they practiced celibacy. However, the Catholic Church refused to enforce vows of celibacy against pedophile priests for the thousandth year running. Boeing 787 aircraft were grounded world-wide when it was discovered there might be issues with their lithium-ion batteries. Thankfully, super-long extension cords were developed by April, allowing the planes to return to the skies and recharge from their point of origin. Unfortunately 117 people were decapitated from the auto-retraction of the extension cord on landing until a safety system was added to the process in June. Shootings occurred in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths.
In February, Pope Benedict, appointed by God to the Papacy handed his letter of resignation in to the Holy Trinity, citing bullying, harassment and an overall expectation of perfection from his bosses that he was unable to achieve. He further claimed that the dotted-line management between Mary and the triumvirate comprising the Holy Trinity was untenable, frequently resulting in wild expectations of charity and good will which were fundamentally unrelated to the role of the hierarchy in the church. In other news, the University of Leicester held a press conference to announce that they had indeed found Richard III of England. Richard III held a press conference later to say that he’d never actually been lost, he’d just followed the wrong directions on his GPS and found his accidental destination quite restful. In Asia, North Korea detonated a small nuclear device, claiming it to be both a successful test of their nuclear capabilities and an effective means of eliminating a recalcitrant general whom they’d strapped to the device before setting it off. Europe continued to be embroiled in the Great Meat Substitution Scandal, with consumers all across the continent discovering they’d been eating horse instead of beef. Shares in burger and meatball companies plummeted, but the Appaloosa Association of Poland reported an exceptional surge in share trading. At the Academy Awards in Los Angeles, Kanye West was snubbed for the 85th year running, missing out on the Best Actor award to Daniel Day-Lewis. More shooting occurred in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths.
March saw Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard making an emotional apology to families who had been affected by previous policies of forced adoption in Australia. Sadly, the Prime Minister failed to take the opportunity to apologise to the Australian population for Tony Abbott’s arrival in the 60s. In technology news, hackers gained access to Evernote, discovering untold numbers of shopping lists, resignation letters and unsent angry letters to mothers-in-law around the world. Queen Elizabeth II was taken to hospital suffering gastroenteritis, a common enough ailment among those who sat in a confined space for too long with Prince Philip. In Sweden, voters approved of new laws which would limit the size of pay for CEOs and prevent them from receiving golden parachutes. CEOs huffily switched to platinum parachutes inlaid with precious jewels. Meanwhile, Hugo Chávez, president of Venezuela, died. He has remained dead all year, with an entire division of the CIA tasked with making sure he doesn’t get back up again. United States scientists published the most detailed scans ever taken of a human brain. Unfortunately they scanned an Australian Radio Shock Jock’s brain and determined that the human race is in actual fact fundamentally stupid and should be euthanised. CERN scientists announced that the so-called ‘God particle’, aka the Higgs-Boson had been discovered. However, they admitted they’re no closer to finding the ‘Jesus particle’ – though had at least determined it’s likely to be created in large quantities at the moment when a hammer strikes a thumb. More shooting sprees occured in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths. Finally, Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected Pope Francis and surprised the world by not acting like a jackass, which was quite a departure from previous papal behaviour. Legal experts are still trying to determine if he’s in violation of the Vatican hiring policy.
April saw religious figures from the entire spectrum in Australia scurrying for bolt-holes in every direction when Julia Gillard announced a Royal Commission into child sex abuse. Senior religious figures insisted the matter was “in hand”, usually in front of large fires with stacks of burning paper or while feeding documents into military grade shredders. Margaret Thatcher died in April, briefly causing the British Stiff Upper Lip to quiver, though historians are still trying to decide whether it was in mourning or joy. New Zealand legalised same-sex marriage, proving once and for all that it’s a considerably more progressive country than it’s bigger brother, Australia. More shooting sprees occured in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths.
In May, a sandwich was thrown at the Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, while she visited a school. The child was subsequently expelled and deported to PNG for violating the sanctity of vegemite in such a wasteful and unAustralian way, something even Australian Radio Shock Jocks agreed with. Later in the month the Australian government tabled legislation to enact a National Disability Scheme, guaranteed to protect Australians most in need. The then-opposition party questioned how a scheme designed to provide an allowance to the disabled could possibly benefit billionaires and Rupert Murdoch, long known as the Australians most in need. The world’s largest rubber duck was moved to Hong Kong. The world’s largest douche remained in England. More shooting sprees occured in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths.
Speaking of the world’s largest douche, June saw paparazzi snap a photo of Charles Saatchi grab his wife, Nigella Lawson, by the throat. Later explanations by Saatchi included the defences that it was all playful, that he was trying to make her focus, and most improbably, that he’d forgotten they were both human, thought he was a cheetah, and was intending to carry her by the scruff of her neck to a nicer part of the restaurant. Later in the month, Kevin Rudd finally succeeded in toppling Julia Gillard as leader of the Australian Labor Party, elevating the three years of chaos and turmoil to unparalleled heights. Later, speaking from his newly installed throne raised on top of a steaming pile of shit, Rudd waxed lyrical about his prowess on the battlefield and ability to hop on one foot, speak Mandarin backwards and massage his super-ego simultaneously. Prince Philip was admitted to a hospital in the UK for an exploratory operation, but after almost 24 hours of searching, surgeons announced they’d been unable to find his tact-gland, last seen in February 1977. More shootings took place in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths. Wrapping up the month, Russia’s parliament proved themselves to the world’s biggest enema kit by banning any public display or mention of homosexuality.
In July, Edward Snowden applied for political asylum in Russia, having previously jumped to fame by highlighting the breathtaking privacy breaches and poor internal security by the American National Security Agency. In the months to come Snowden would continue to leak salaciously compelling details about NSA privacy abuses which the world media would largely ignore, choosing instead to focus on the Obsidian Order of the Kardashian Empire. George Zimmerman was found not guilty for shooting Trayvon Martin, despite having shot Trayvon Martin, with the jury seemingly ruling that it was Trayvon’s fault for being black on a dark night and therefore being indistinguishable from the night. Britain’s Prime Minister announced a plan to install a mandatory opt-out porn filter for all net users in Britain, immediately triggering a wave of interest in domains featuring the word ‘nookie’ and ‘bucket’. More shootings took place in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths.
August saw the announcement that Peter Capaldi would be the next actor to play The Doctor in the dramatic portrayal of the life and times of Mr John Smith, a mysterious sometime resident of 76 Totter’s Lane, Shoreditch London. Meanwhile, more shooting sprees continued in the United States, as the nation continued to struggle with the basic logic that high gun ownership leads to high gun deaths. Still in the United States, Area 51 was finally, officially acknowledged as existing. Documents released by the government highlighted that most of the investigation that takes place at the mysterious site seem to involve determining how little moral fibre a human being can have before they cease to be human. Coincidentally, it was also revealed that the Westboro Baptist church originated from Area 51. In happier news, the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech was celebrated throughout the United States. A spokesperson for the KKK was quoted as saying “We’re still asshats and think the speech is bullshit”. The Australian election campaign ran from 4 August, starting with the traditional dual to first blood between Julie Bishop and a Koala. For the 7th straight time, the Koala was victorious.
September 2013 started with Tony Abbott, leader of the Liberal Party of Australia become the Australian Prime Minister in coalition with the National Party, finally proving that the only way Australians could see just how disastrous a Tony Abbott prime-ministership could be would be to have a Tony Abbott prime-ministership. This was done in spite of previous promises that the Liberal party would not enter into any deals to conduct a minority government. Kevin Rudd commenced his concession speech, and political observers are hopeful that he’s finally wrapping up and may complete the speech by January 1, 2014. Microsoft concluded their purchase of Nokia’s mobile device group. Pundits world-wide predicted the imminent demise of both iOS and the Android operating system, while consumers world-wide chortled and went back to their functional devices. Maverick self-proclaimed billionaire, Clive Palmer was elected to the Australian Federal Parliament on his campaign slogan of “Free Dinosaurs for Everyone”. Pauline Hanson, most famous for her repeated failed attempts to get re-elected into Federal Parliament continued her failing streak. More shootings occurred in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths. Grand Theft Auto 5 was released to record sales of over a billion US dollars. Sadly, the debut game Pay Taxes and Obey the Law was accidentally released on the same day and failed to record a single sale. The author, blogger, consultant and “he’s OK in small doses” bear Preston de Guise turned 40.
October 2013 saw Tony Abbott getting to work quickly, damaging relations with a plethora of countries Australia had previously enjoyed robust and beneficial connections with. In spite of her pledges to a more open, honest and trustworthy government, the new Prime Minister, Peta Credlin closed down many channels of access to the government, requiring all communications to be conducted via Morse Code between a single nominated journalist and a baby platypus. Further afield, Russian divers recovered an almost 600kg fragment of the meteor that had crashed to Earth earlier in the year. Vladimir Putin immediately declared the meteor was gay and had it humiliated and beaten to death by neo-Nazi groups. October also saw excellent photo-opportunities for the new Australian Prime Minister when bushfires broke out across New South Wales. More shootings took place in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths. Finally, the Australian Capital Territory legalised same sex marriage, daring the Federal Government to strike the legislation down. The Federal Government promptly announced the ACT government could “suck a fuck” and lodged an appeal in the High Court.
Nothing of merit happened in November 2013 other than more shootings in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths.
In December 2013, Nelson Mandela passed away, aged 95, reminding an increasingly narcissistic and puerile celebrity-obsessed world that giants once walked among us. Uruguay signalled the beginning of the end to the static and ill-considered ‘war on drugs’ by fully legalising marijuana. Shares in corn-chip companies world wide exploded, with Doritos briefly surpassing Apple as the world’s richest company. In Australia, Holden, exited the Australian market, having failed to receive more capital injection from the Australian government. Most Australians, having already switched to Toyotas and Mazdas, accepted the news with equanimity. Car riots occurred in Frankston, Macquarie Park and Murrumbidgee. The ACT’s attempt to legalise same-sex marriage equality was struck down by the High Court, who promptly informed the Federal Government to stop being jerks and establish marriage equality. After 35 years of unremitting repair work, the Melbourne Star was finally re-opened to the public, whereupon the public realised that a large novelty ferris wheel that showed only industrial areas, shipping ports and apartment blocks was a fairly dumb idea. Christmas was cancelled when Santa was seized as an undocumented traveller attempting to cross over into Australia, and an international peace keeping force is currently trying to free him from his tent in Nauru. Finally, more shootings took place in the United States as the country continued to grapple with the logic of higher gun ownership leading to higher gun deaths.
And there you have it – that was the year that was.