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{{Q|What’s in a name? For that which we call
turtle’s
soup by any other name smells as sweet.|[[William Shakespeare]] on turtles}}
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{{Q|What’s in a name? For that which we call
turtle
soup by any other name smells as sweet.|[[William Shakespeare]] on turtles}}
A turtle (Latin: ''tortus'' (singular) ''torti'' (plural)) is a collective name for a type of reptilian organism with a distinctive shell (soft or hard) on its back. While turtles are deemed tame and defensive (hence the gaming term ‘turtling’), even the least aggressive of turtles have survived the comet that wiped out the [[dinosaurs]] (the [[Westboro Baptist Church]] claims it was a flood some time around [[Noah’s Ark]], and that dinosaurs never existed), and there exists a variety of turtles skilled in warfare and [[grunge]] music. Turtles are currently listed under 'endangered species' by [[hippies|animal rights activists]].[[File:Grungeturtle.jpeg|thumb|right|Turtles are fucking awesome rock stars.]]
A turtle (Latin: ''tortus'' (singular) ''torti'' (plural)) is a collective name for a type of reptilian organism with a distinctive shell (soft or hard) on its back. While turtles are deemed tame and defensive (hence the gaming term ‘turtling’), even the least aggressive of turtles have survived the comet that wiped out the [[dinosaurs]] (the [[Westboro Baptist Church]] claims it was a flood some time around [[Noah’s Ark]], and that dinosaurs never existed), and there exists a variety of turtles skilled in warfare and [[grunge]] music. Turtles are currently listed under 'endangered species' by [[hippies|animal rights activists]].[[File:Grungeturtle.jpeg|thumb|right|Turtles are fucking awesome rock stars.]]
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[[File:Turtlevstitanic.jpg|thumb|400px|right|A lone, surviving Cretaceous turtle might have been preserved in ice during the [[Ice Age]] and thawed out due to global warming. This painting from a survivor of the [[Titanic]] indicates the possibility of one such prehistoric turtle sinking the ship in halves. [[Godzilla]], eat your heart out. ]]
[[File:Turtlevstitanic.jpg|thumb|400px|right|A lone, surviving Cretaceous turtle might have been preserved in ice during the [[Ice Age]] and thawed out due to global warming. This painting from a survivor of the [[Titanic]] indicates the possibility of one such prehistoric turtle sinking the ship in halves. [[Godzilla]], eat your heart out. ]]
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Turtles are related to dinosaurs, though they are much more ancient. During the Triassic period, some
turtles
that lived on land
abandoned their heavy shells and
evolved into the first dinosaurs. Threatened by these superior reptiles, turtles were compelled to evolve into large, carnivorous, fire-breathing beings while still keeping their characteristic hard shells for protection, turning them to into the deadliest predator the world has ever known. There is scientific proof that the last [[Tyrannasaurus Rex]] was devoured by the Cretaceous turtles.
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Turtles are
distantly
related to dinosaurs, though they are much more ancient. During the Triassic period, some
lizards
that lived on land evolved into the first dinosaurs. Threatened by these superior reptiles, turtles were compelled to evolve into large, carnivorous, fire-breathing beings while still keeping their characteristic hard shells for protection, turning them to into the deadliest predator the world has ever known. There is scientific proof that the last [[Tyrannasaurus Rex]] was devoured by the Cretaceous turtles.
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Most of the turtle population
from the Cretaceous
died alongside the dinosaurs. The sea-dwelling turtles, which were much smaller and lived at the bottom of the oceans, survived the apocalypse. Some of these turtles soon returned to dry land, developed legs from flippers and repopulated the desolate landscape. After millions of years of evolution, the modern turtle is still not much different from its pre-Triassic ancestor. Though there is the distinction between land-dwelling and sea-dwelling turtles, all turtles are [[omnivorous|omnomnomnivorous]], have shells on their backs and are usually friendly towards humans.
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Most of the turtle population
on land
died alongside the dinosaurs
for undetermined reasons
. The sea-dwelling turtles, which were much smaller and lived at the bottom of the oceans, survived the apocalypse. Some of these turtles soon returned to dry land, developed legs from flippers and repopulated the desolate landscape. After millions of years of evolution, the modern turtle is still not much different from its pre-Triassic ancestor. Though there is the distinction between land-dwelling and sea-dwelling turtles, all turtles are [[omnivorous|omnomnomnivorous]], have shells on their backs and are usually friendly towards humans.
== Roles in the Ecosystem ==
== Roles in the Ecosystem ==
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== Turtle Conservation ==
== Turtle Conservation ==
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[[File:Turtlesoup.jpg|thumb|left|Logo of a restaurant
which
that serves turtle soup.]]
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[[File:Turtlesoup.jpg|thumb|left|Logo of a restaurant that serves turtle soup.]]
Turtles are facing extinction in the human world. This is mainly due to pollution, [[animal cruelty]], [[bestiality]] and turtle hunting. The [[Romans]] were among the first people to discover turtles as a source of protein. Turtle soup (Latin: ''tortus delicius'') is a delicacy enjoyed by the upper class throughout history. Wild turtle eggs are dug up from turtle breeding sites for food, which in turn, jeopardizes the turtle population. Turtles are also hunted for their shells and hide for the manufacture of luxurious goods such as handbags and condoms.[[File:Master roshi.jpg|thumb|right|Master Roshi, champion warrior of the half-turtles.]]
Turtles are facing extinction in the human world. This is mainly due to pollution, [[animal cruelty]], [[bestiality]] and turtle hunting. The [[Romans]] were among the first people to discover turtles as a source of protein. Turtle soup (Latin: ''tortus delicius'') is a delicacy enjoyed by the upper class throughout history. Wild turtle eggs are dug up from turtle breeding sites for food, which in turn, jeopardizes the turtle population. Turtles are also hunted for their shells and hide for the manufacture of luxurious goods such as handbags and condoms.[[File:Master roshi.jpg|thumb|right|Master Roshi, champion warrior of the half-turtles.]]
[[File:Natalieportman.gif|thumb|200px|right|Lady Padme of [[Naboo]] will offer a kiss for every turtle saved. Anyone who saves a thousand turtles or more wins the [[sex|Grand Prize]]. So stop tapping that turtle ass and start saving turtles!]]Master Roshi, the half-turtle tutor of martial arts deity [[Dragon Ball Z|Son Goku]], has proposed the conservation of turtles in the name of the [[United Nations]]. Under current UN regulations, for every turtle you save, [[Padme]] will offer you a kiss; for every turtle you kill, Goku will perform a [[kamehameha]] on your face. The easiest way to conserve turtles is to make slight modifications to your daily habits. Begin by stop discharging chemical wastes into the sea, stop flogging turtles, stop having sex with turtles (turtles die easily from non-stop anal bleeding) and stop eating turtle soup. For more information on how to save wild turtles, go to [[PETA|www.peta.org]], visit your local PETA office, or participate in the next [[Al Gore]] presidential election campaign.
[[File:Natalieportman.gif|thumb|200px|right|Lady Padme of [[Naboo]] will offer a kiss for every turtle saved. Anyone who saves a thousand turtles or more wins the [[sex|Grand Prize]]. So stop tapping that turtle ass and start saving turtles!]]Master Roshi, the half-turtle tutor of martial arts deity [[Dragon Ball Z|Son Goku]], has proposed the conservation of turtles in the name of the [[United Nations]]. Under current UN regulations, for every turtle you save, [[Padme]] will offer you a kiss; for every turtle you kill, Goku will perform a [[kamehameha]] on your face. The easiest way to conserve turtles is to make slight modifications to your daily habits. Begin by stop discharging chemical wastes into the sea, stop flogging turtles, stop having sex with turtles (turtles die easily from non-stop anal bleeding) and stop eating turtle soup. For more information on how to save wild turtles, go to [[PETA|www.peta.org]], visit your local PETA office, or participate in the next [[Al Gore]] presidential election campaign.