Hello
I truly need help...feeling so depressed, powerless, shattering...
I know it's gonna be a long text and actually not interesting in letting other people seeing and giving space to enter and interfare my private life but not seeing any way out...
I just wish to have a life with my love free of tensions, doubts and fears...
Feeling helpless...need advices...
I am 20, from Austria and my husband is 30 from and still in India...
Applied for visa, got it finally, after lot issues by consulat and alien offices...but still delayed to come...allegedly because else his mother is alone as father went for holidays...but that cannot be as just the next week after could also coming here he went also for holidays...then she is not alone?
But at least did not create a fight before left so that I not disturb, that he always before did, on any leaving just fight and then blocked me and enjoyed, so careless even agreed as he was not thinking serious that I marry him...
but now even said not coming, I have to come...I hope he doesn't mean it...he changing often around, all the time actually...it would be crazy to go there living with him and his parents (they are actually very nice) but my husband is not having real work, almost whole day lying in bed...and I am having quite good job...so better he coming...
But having a lot of fears...
Not at all trusting or believing in my life partner, it feels already like killing me...
What's wrong with me?
Everything gonna be complicated...but everything could be good in between us...
I am always with him, since knowing him, always, in any situation or condition...but that's one sided...
Whenever there is any problem he can just seperate and getting so rude...that I am a useless creature or piece of crap can come anytime...
I was before when we met in another relation, living longtime relation for my age, 7 years...it was entirely different...
I know it's not good to compare relations but I just wish to understand why how and moreover want to understand myself...am I so stupid...
My ex did completely everything for me, that people was even so jealous asked me how can I found and I had never a negative thinking about him, trusted entirely, like even if would seeing on fact that he would cheated I wouldn't believe and thinking it's fake...never had any tension or worry and life was good in every point...secure jobs, could travel, every evening massages...but I never had this much strong feeling to be with him...
And then everything very suddenly changed... Just one week earlier had a lot good travel...but I met with my now husband in an English chat...I could never believed in a relation start by inet but was there to learn English as mine was so poor and he actually to waste some time...
I don't know what happened that time to me till now...can't understand...
He was actually behaving so poorly rudely...normally just removed that persons and I was really only interested intention was only improving English...and I must say that actually I was not knowing any insults before, growed up so peacefully...
anytime **** off bitch like when refused to send pic...wanting to know everything without saying anything...all time there was that questions who is most important persons in my life...
Manipulated and lied anytime, even hided his origin as he studied abroad but then needed to go back and can see that feeling so ashamed but when others doing saying about them they are shameless creatures how can they forget where they are from like one family I am knowing in Austria 20 years ago left India and they never denying their homecountry but when my husband meet them in India talked so bad about them that not behaving like Indians...
But on the other side always talking himself so bad about Indians...and also forbidding me to talk to Indians as he is saying knows their intentions...
Their mentality is entirely different...
His cousin, but even cousin actually, whom he calling as sister is not having own opinion, from outside they seem happy and free people but everyone having their role...when my husband is irritated for any reason, like she said anything according to him wrong or not making tea when he is saying or when even he is doing entirely wrong then she can never open her mouth, she is just coming with a tea but he stays for longer, I don't want anything just leave me alone which is hurting her as well but not saying anything...
But what I can't understand my husband is so much looking for people, what others may think and that problems or sadness is never visible to anyone...but then when he is irritated like on her just suddenly leaving but only after she begged him to stay even when actually was plan to take dinner with her family...then not everyone noticing there's something wrong?
I am so afraid seeing this and feeling how unfair life is this....
And actually he is a lot pampered baby...
But I do love you, I am trying my best to just say how it is obviously in my point of view, but thinking anything bad about my life partner hurts me a lot truly...
I don't know how I fall for him but I fall for him entirely...
Just after a months meeting with him over inet omg I made in confusion actually a travel with my ex and was missing him like hell...but how? Was not even knowing him...and saw actually on so rude language...not even saw him...but listened his sweet voice and laugh...might be I fall for it...I have no idea but when we was back nothing was anymore as before, so much distance, I created distance till moved out... I am feeling a lot guilty for it...
I was always thinking we will be forever especially as that time everything was so a lot perfect with good safe jobs and not any problem...
Honesty actually before I met with my husband I was not knowing tension...
One time on the beginning also when we had one of a lot fights about the pics I don't understand why but I started crying that time on headset without the cam and he was saying he feeling so hurted and sad but in background was all time laughing with his friends, then I needed to leave, he said I should send when being back picture and text of detailed feelings for him...when I was back I send text and send just one sentence and he again and again poked and fighted that I promised to send pics which I did not...
Then after some time in surprise flight to him without letting know anyone...I was not even afraid...and then flight again and again...
I love him truly more as my own life but it's unbearable...it feels entirely one sided..
He always avoided to talk about any past and if I do shouting at me that I should get mature, I am living in past...but sometime he said that before met me was so shattered as his ex girlfriend not ready to marry but not cause of him but cause of village thinking of parents, she would as 100 out of 100 girls marry him without thinking...and I am having very much the feeling that it was for him just needed to marry, how often he said that it's so ashamed and people poke but his ex wasn't ready for it now he is so glad and that's the only good thing on me that now people don't poke him any longer...and in last fight when I said that it hurts me that everything feels so feelingless and marriage just needed, then directly said what needed, everyone want to marry also his ex I could just call her she even now want even while knowing he is already...
But actually there was not really relation...more like friends...
After I broke up I did not told him directly, only after some time lived seperate and never saw him on cam...but then when I did directly reaction, don't worry marry me...
I was so confused...
When I went there first I felt so warm in his arms, I directly decided for lifetime but not said...then came again planed and then in his bday on at same time a relatives wedding in surprise and told him my yes...
Before there was a lot of fights, actually all time since with him in tensions in between us and insecure future as he is not having job, no motivation and never tried to come to me so not even knowing about how future...
He promised me many things which was just by saying but not at all meaning...like that he will also be with me without marrying, he actually quite manipulateful asked if I love this much that will marry if else not together as he will also be with me even if marriage is needed...my decision was already taken but my imagination was proposal special romantic somehow and not that arranged forcefully...but then when it was just near to my flight with surprise what he was not doing he said now time up have to marry or bye bye...I felt a lot hurt but went there with positive thinking for the surprise and always wished in a change...
Then there everything imagined so nicely, made for everyday there a gift handmade for him...
But just in beginning wasn't well, uncomfortable with India but mainly with his ignorance to me...then j was not thinking anything and just sitting and waiting to be with him...he got so a lot irritated with me that can't I see the people why spoiling the environment...
Then alone at home shouted at me more and even slaped me and pushed me on the ground and throwing with things... I was like why is this happening what I did and as not understanding I asked which makes him top irritated as he don't like to be asked and no one blames him ever...
At the top said will seperate...I begged him on knees then but he was strongly just sitting and when I come closed, wanted to hug him and everything fine just pushed me heavily away...then at the end throwed all the gifts to him...
I am always heavily crying, can't stop, can't control it...
I did also 2 times the mistake when it was so hurtful that I left his home and went for a walk...
One thing I wonder all time about that coming...there was one night before it went to worst he whispered in my ears "thanks for coming into my life, but you will never take revenge, will you?"
I was entirely shocked how can he think that way he is everything to me...I want to spend my life with him in good as in bad times...
Then before the wedding all time said to me that one thing is there why not want to marry me...in my culture people can just seperate but for him marriage has to be for lifetime and can't divorce, that's so ashamed, was already ashamed to be for so long single...how to make him believe and sure that will not, is there not any contract by law that people can't divorce in any case...? A lot things like that but now when we married he is whenever a problem is there still just saying about separation...
I don't understand him...
I just wish a happy life with him without fears...
He always excuses his rudeness in cause of bad society...but also he is very often saying that I am making him that way, if I would not be so useless he wouldn't get rude and I deserve it only...I readed about abusive relations and actually it's exactly that way, mostly verbal but also violent...when I said I feel like being nothing for him, instead of putting me in arms he pull me on my hairs rudely and saying me mentally ill what's wrong in my head should consoul a doctor to get checked and stop thinking everything negatively...
Why he always believes in putting down and controlling...
How to solve it...
Once I sended him a text about abusive, was a lot lot lot afraid and after the text explained also my feelings and fears, but he was so changed, seemed to understand, said I don't need to worry...I felt calmed but just at the evening insulted shouted and said will seperate and I don't understand myself but called him whole night but blocked and then when reached begged highly heavily crying to be with me as he is everything to...for sometime then a lot cold and then said things like that he was thinking the text was meant positively and not that I take advantage...that I would changed now finally... I was again confused, what I did wrong...oh I should not ask...never getting any answer but only more rudeness...
He bought an expensive watch while I was working, when I showed I was saying nice and not thinked anything even if he ask me if I know the designer and told me to google him but then a hour later he suddenly start shouting "see I can't be free can't do anything what I want, can't even buy anything I like" I was not understanding what's going on...yes I am worried for future and saving anything but I didn't said anything to the watch...oh yes he asked how much will be a good jacket when he comes, I said I don't know, he kept repeating the question and then I just said 100€ But can also be less... The he started so cheap, I will not feel comfortable in cheap clothe...but he is bit even earning for living...but I didn't said anything just said we will see don't worry I want you to be comfortable...but nothing helped he just started shouting at me to the worst...I begged a lot to stop...then he said ok, I will stop and kick you out...
And always he is saying that he will not let me take more advantages, but where do I take advantages...that he can't even answer, but yes he doesn't like to be asked...
And he never did anything to be with me...
Sometimes I am thinking it's cause of family...on last visit his mother was a lot of times crying and before one time she was often not well but didn't noticed that high...so there was times my husband and I were sitting somewhere she came said something which I am not understanding, my husband send her away, then when I went to toilet saw her sitting crying and husband sitting next to her not taking in arms talking or anything just ignoring...then I told my husband...big big mistake... He went there angry and shouted at her for long time and father stayed sitting...being back in room he said that she is just having tensions and not normal it's only get problem so why to make problem to others..I was like why no one takes her in arms or listens to her...what she said to you before...he told me she was just talking bad about papa which is bs and not true and she should not do... Obviously should not interfare others and talk to person directly but seem not possible...
Then he said he never wanted to tell me but in real on the relation of parents she is entirely dominating his father as he is so calmly always, doesn't do anything...but how can he know about past or maybe she just wishes some feelings...I don't know but I also crying nowadays a lot doesn't mean I am dominating...but if my husband having that thinking maybe that's why he needs to have control and is afraid as also he doesn't know live marriage...people in his environment have to arrange with other person and for him worst shamed is when anything comes to outside..,
But how can he be always so cold...I am heavily crying and he can make jokes and laughing...and shouting I should stop as it's irritating and getting violent...or when I start saying something just putting on music...
The wedding night was a lot horrible and I am only one blamed...
We talked before in a normal way and he said me when anything any problem is there I should just tell him directly and whether we can solve directly or talking later and I was so happy feeling it changed and said ok, but please don't say me about people as he always used to say only see the people don't spoil the environment when I wasn't well...
So my family was obviously not ok with it, without even knowing him...but had to accept and I not even had any chance so it went then when was back very fast and I had not even any wish on our wedding day...needed to wear according to them, ceremony has to be that way and everything...not even listening what I said like I said I want wedding vows "nah nah that's not there" or ring exchanging...
But then relatives request suddenly that before, normally months before as a fixing should be for engaged ring ceremony and now they requested a day earlier or in afternoon before so then suddenly it's needed...then I wished same rings but nah they are all every to simple...
I don't wanted it to be just a needed act...
But he promised me to kiss me but then took the promise just before away again but then promised again but only on forehead, I agreed...
But then on the day nothing...so as he said if anything I should just say I asked silently why not...then everything went worsed...directly dared me not to make problem in front if people...before was all time side by side but then he walked here and there without me...I went sad...ceremony was already done, almost the end when it happened when I asked and I was not thinking this reaction so not the not done kiss but the reaction which made me a lot disappointed as I did everything to be with him...then he took me to a empty room shouted at me what now why I am so much problem creator and want to ruin everything, now done the biggest mistake but can't escape now it's just to late...I was again like what's going on, when going to an empty room why not just giving a short hug kiss, saying lovely please be happy and going back as if nothing happened...
After shouted and insulted a lot a short break and then asked what now and ticked again and against the watch...I was like what to do, was just sitting and hoping anything to happen but yes I asked in my sadness why said about people...then slapped and pushed me...
Then when it got later said sorry lets go to the hall again but that time was crying already then more worse rude violent shouted why you want to make my life hell, everyone is here for us and we not there, cant you imagine how bad it is...
Then after some time his "sister" and real brother came, directly insulted me and all 3 was saying many times I am having so much double face, why I am having double face when saying same in good as in bad times and when cannot just turn around, like my husband when shouting and everything at me when not sis-bro coming but anyone else can just stop and being as if nothing happen but when I cry I cannot just stop and they all like I should be back normal fast...always when I cry "be normal soon it irritates me"... And all said I don't know what's love and should get therapy...then my husband went in bed slept, his sister left and his brother was for sometime longer insulting me to the worst imaginable without even knowing me...was saying many times if known me before would forbid my husband to meet me ever and now he will not let me be with him as I destroyed already his life...I should not dare to convince him again to be with me else he would call people to remove me...my husband was sleeping...then brother was also sleeping and I was sitting in the room, was a room with 2 beds and a chair...afraid what to do...but went few times on the bed of my husband, caressed him but when he waked up all time pushed me away...next morning he was rudely talking to me what now, how can he be with me after I ruin his marriage but now he has to...I begged sorry just to wish everything good and not knowing what to do but that was first and only time I was truly thinking in separation...many times I am wondering why...but not separation is there from my side...
Rest of that coming again and again in front of his sister just shouted that why did this biggest mistake to marry so a useless creature who just ruin his whole life and I was just sitting waiting till it's over...he is saying no one else knows and his sis-bro only as they came else not but on one day his brother was with a very serious face sitting, his mother asked and then they both shouted which I didn't get as not knowing so well Hindi...then turned to my side, I was just sitting and parents was listening to them then turned to me and shouted to me leave this room right now else I will forget myself right now...I went to another room, after some time came in shouted at me I should search something, I start searching and later just said they had fight as a earing which was expensive got lost...that's why I need to leave the room that way?
And also everything else was saying actually which said would never interfare...listened a lot..."oh you are do stupid, he is my brother,how can you not think he told me..." And another wish was that at least one ritual which is possible as his mother choosed the dress and I bring something that not seeing it before but then listened that also..."how can you be do stupid, obviously he saw before and we all felt so ashamed how ugly but he said don't let her know..."
After being back was a lot glad, first and only time being glad to be away from him...but cried more as ever on airport as was sure not to come again...but then came again and only 2 time rudeness...one time pulled my hairs and another time destroyed things...
And now now it feels all so empty...
I had different job options, in my city but also far...choosed far...he doesn't want to be in my home town and I was thinking ok it has the good that now bigger city more chances and no problem as contact to everyone except my family got cut...but now he want me to cut the contact to family or else will separate...
I told him, not to hurt him but to make him understand how much lonely I am feeling and how difficult everything is for me...I just wished bit support...do told that my family is not much happy with it but I don't care for anything as he is my first priority... I had a lot of people and no money tensions and in free time fun and no tension at all but now I don't know anyone and just sitting at home waiting him to come or working...
I told him that I am afraid that he can just leave me alone, let me fall anytime, I am truly alone and will for sure not let my family interfare...but he reacted entirely cruel to me...directly shouted "go to hell with your f***ing family, I don't want anything of you or your crap family...if person is not happy with me can just kick their donkey out...now I will not come, you come here...and remove the contact...I don't want you to be with crap people who think bad about me"
Why will I go there that both not working and living with his family...?
His family can even saying bad in front if me...would i ever say this or even think? No...
How?
And that, my family, are the only persons I am having now except my husband...
What to do...I can't be without him...
How to make him come and being normal...I want to make him happy... I already arranged a lot of stuff on which people wondering why so much...
How can I ever be sure that he is truly with me in good as in bad times...
I can't be without him but wish to be sure on my life partner...standing behind me always...
I need help...we need help
When I showed him in that morning that text about abusive I told him he doesn't need to be afraid I am always with him with care. And not taking advantage...later he told me I think very honestly that he just having often the feeling that I am his enemy...
But how can he think that...does he mean it or is it another manipulation to take advantage...?Hallo
I truly need help...feeling so depressed, powerless, shattering...
I know it's gonna be a long text and actually not interesting in letting other people seeing and giving space to enter and interfare my private life but not seeing any way out...
I just wish to have a life with my love free of tensions, doubts and fears...
Feeling helpless...need advices...
I am 20, from Austria and my husband is 30 from and still in India...
Applied for visa, got it finally, after lot issues by consulat and alien offices...but now said not coming, I have to come...I hope he doesn't mean it...he changing often around, all the time actually...it would be crazy to go there living with him and his parents (they are actually very nice) but my husband is not having real work, almost whole day lying in bed...and I am having quite good job...so better he coming...
But having a lot of fears...
Not at all trusting or believing in my life partner, it feels already like killing me...
What's wrong with me?
Everything gonna be complicated...but everything could be good in between us...
I am always with him, since knowing him, always, in any situation or condition...but that's one sided...
Whenever there is any problem he can just seperate and getting so rude...that I am a useless creature or piece of crap can come anytime...
I was before when we met in another relation, living longtime relation for my age, 7 years...it was entirely different...
I know it's not good to compare relations but I just wish to understand why how and moreover want to understand myself...am I so stupid...
My ex did completely everything for me, that people was even so jealous asked me how can I found and I had never a negative thinking about him, trusted entirely, like even if would seeing on fact that he would cheated I wouldn't believe and thinking it's fake...never had any tension or worry and life was good in every point...secure jobs, could travel, every evening massages...but I never had this much strong feeling to be with him...
And then everything very suddenly changed... Just one week earlier had a lot good travel...but I met with my now husband in an English chat...I could never believed in a relation start by inet but was there to learn English as mine was so poor and he actually to waste some time...
I don't know what happened that time to me till now...can't understand...
He was actually behaving so poorly rudely...normally just removed that persons and I was really only interested intention was only improving English...and I must say that actually I was not knowing any insults before, growed up so peacefully...
There was another girl with whom I talked and who was in touch with him and we had group chat...she start asking me if noticed that he saying different things and the rude communication...on the seperation I didn't talk but after...she was directly seeing and sad what's going on...and my husband forbid me to talk to her and I did, I said her bye...I created a Facebook group to learn Hindi in surprise, in that Facebook she is still, not removed me, but told me always not to show Snyder as having 2 one for inet friends and one actually for real friends in which also more private pics and she was only one knowing where I am going...but nomore contact, in that Facebook group I am also nomore allowed...so just finished closed all...
anytime **** off bitch like when refused to send pic...wanting to know everything without saying anything...all time there was that questions who is most important persons in my life...
Manipulated and lied anytime, even hided his origin as he studied abroad but then needed to go back and can see that feeling so ashamed but when others doing saying about them they are shameless creatures how can they forget where they are from like one family I am knowing in Austria 20 years ago left India and they never denying their homecountry but when my husband meet them in India talked so bad about them that not behaving like Indians...
But on the other side always talking himself so bad about Indians...and also forbidding me to talk to Indians as he is saying knows their intentions...
Their mentality is entirely different...
His cousin, but even cousin actually, whom he calling as sister is not having own opinion, from outside they seem happy and free people but everyone having their role...when my husband is irritated for any reason, like she said anything according to him wrong or not making tea when he is saying or when even he is doing entirely wrong then she can never open her mouth, she is just coming with a tea but he stays for longer, I don't want anything just leave me alone which is hurting her as well but not saying anything...
But what I can't understand my husband is so much looking for people, what others may think and that problems or sadness is never visible to anyone...but then when he is irritated like on her just suddenly leaving but only after she begged him to stay even when actually was plan to take dinner with her family...then not everyone noticing there's something wrong?
I am so afraid seeing this and feeling how unfair life is this....
And actually he is a lot pampered baby...
But I do love you, I am trying my best to just say how it is obviously in my point of view, but thinking anything bad about my life partner hurts me a lot truly...
I don't know how I fall for him but I fall for him entirely...
Just after a months meeting with him over inet omg I made in confusion actually a travel with my ex and was missing him like hell...but how? Was not even knowing him...and saw actually on so rude language...not even saw him...but listened his sweet voice and laugh...might be I fall for it...I have no idea but when we was back nothing was anymore as before, so much distance, I created distance till moved out... I am feeling a lot guilty for it...
I was always thinking we will be forever especially as that time everything was so a lot perfect with good safe jobs and not any problem...
Honesty actually before I met with my husband I was not knowing tension...
One time on the beginning also when we had one of a lot fights about the pics I don't understand why but I started crying that time on headset without the cam and he was saying he feeling so hurted and sad but in background was all time laughing with his friends, then I needed to leave, he said I should send when being back picture and text of detailed feelings for him...when I was back I send text and send just one sentence and he again and again poked and fighted that I promised to send pics which I did not...
Then after some time in surprise flight to him without letting know anyone...I was not even afraid...and then flight again and again...
I love him truly more as my own life but it's unbearable...it feels entirely one sided..
He always avoided to talk about any past and if I do shouting at me that I should get mature, I am living in past...but sometime he said that before met me was so shattered as his ex girlfriend not ready to marry but not cause of him but cause of village thinking of parents, she would as 100 out of 100 girls marry him without thinking...and I am having very much the feeling that it was for him just needed to marry, how often he said that it's so ashamed and people poke but his ex wasn't ready for it now he is so glad and that's the only good thing on me that now people don't poke him any longer...and in last fight when I said that it hurts me that everything feels so feelingless and marriage just needed, then directly said what needed, everyone want to marry also his ex I could just call her she even now want even while knowing he is already...
But actually there was not really relation...more like friends...
After I broke up I did not told him directly, only after some time lived seperate and never saw him on cam...but then when I did directly reaction, don't worry marry me...
I was so confused...
When I went there first I felt so warm in his arms, I directly decided for lifetime but not said...then came again planed and then in his bday on at same time a relatives wedding in surprise and told him my yes...
Before there was a lot of fights, actually all time since with him in tensions in between us and insecure future as he is not having job, no motivation and never tried to come to me so not even knowing about how future...
He promised me many things which was just by saying but not at all meaning...like that he will also be with me without marrying, he actually quite manipulateful asked if I love this much that will marry if else not together as he will also be with me even if marriage is needed...my decision was already taken but my imagination was proposal special romantic somehow and not that arranged forcefully...but then when it was just near to my flight with surprise what he was not doing he said now time up have to marry or bye bye...I felt a lot hurt but went there with positive thinking for the surprise and always wished in a change...
Then there everything imagined so nicely, made for everyday there a gift handmade for him...
But just in beginning wasn't well, uncomfortable with India but mainly with his ignorance to me...then j was not thinking anything and just sitting and waiting to be with him...he got so a lot irritated with me that can't I see the people why spoiling the environment...
Then alone at home shouted at me more and even slaped me and pushed me on the ground and throwing with things... I was like why is this happening what I did and as not understanding I asked which makes him top irritated as he don't like to be asked and no one blames him ever...
At the top said will seperate...I begged him on knees then but he was strongly just sitting and when I come closed, wanted to hug him and everything fine just pushed me heavily away...then at the end throwed all the gifts to him...
I am always heavily crying, can't stop, can't control it...
I did also 2 times the mistake when it was so hurtful that I left his home and went for a walk...
One thing I wonder all time about that coming...there was one night before it went to worst he whispered in my ears "thanks for coming into my life, but you will never take revenge, will you?"
I was entirely shocked how can he think that way he is everything to me...I want to spend my life with him in good as in bad times...
Then before the wedding all time said to me that one thing is there why not want to marry me...in my culture people can just seperate but for him marriage has to be for lifetime and can't divorce, that's so ashamed, was already ashamed to be for so long single...how to make him believe and sure that will not, is there not any contract by law that people can't divorce in any case...? A lot things like that but now when we married he is whenever a problem is there still just saying about separation...
I don't understand him...
I just wish a happy life with him without fears...
He always excuses his rudeness in cause of bad society...but also he is very often saying that I am making him that way, if I would not be so useless he wouldn't get rude and I deserve it only...I readed about abusive relations and actually it's exactly that way, mostly verbal but also violent...when I said I feel like being nothing for him, instead of putting me in arms he pull me on my hairs rudely and saying me mentally ill what's wrong in my head should consoul a doctor to get checked and stop thinking everything negatively...
Why he always believes in putting down and controlling...
How to solve it...
Once I sended him a text about abusive, was a lot lot lot afraid and after the text explained also my feelings and fears, but he was so changed, seemed to understand, said I don't need to worry...I felt calmed but just at the evening insulted shouted and said will seperate and I don't understand myself but called him whole night but blocked and then when reached begged highly heavily crying to be with me as he is everything to...for sometime then a lot cold and then said things like that he was thinking the text was meant positively and not that I take advantage...that I would changed now finally... I was again confused, what I did wrong...oh I should not ask...never getting any answer but only more rudeness...
He bought an expensive watch while I was working, when I showed I was saying nice and not thinked anything even if he ask me if I know the designer and told me to google him but then a hour later he suddenly start shouting "see I can't be free can't do anything what I want, can't even buy anything I like" I was not understanding what's going on...yes I am worried for future and saving anything but I didn't said anything to the watch...oh yes he asked how much will be a good jacket when he comes, I said I don't know, he kept repeating the question and then I just said 100€ But can also be less... The he started so cheap, I will not feel comfortable in cheap clothe...but he is bit even earning for living...but I didn't said anything just said we will see don't worry I want you to be comfortable...but nothing helped he just started shouting at me to the worst...I begged a lot to stop...then he said ok, I will stop and kick you out...
And always he is saying that he will not let me take more advantages, but where do I take advantages...that he can't even answer, but yes he doesn't like to be asked...
And he never did anything to be with me...
Sometimes I am thinking it's cause of family...on last visit his mother was a lot of times crying and before one time she was often not well but didn't noticed that high...so there was times my husband and I were sitting somewhere she came said something which I am not understanding, my husband send her away, then when I went to toilet saw her sitting crying and husband sitting next to her not taking in arms talking or anything just ignoring...then I told my husband...big big mistake... He went there angry and shouted at her for long time and father stayed sitting...being back in room he said that she is just having tensions and not normal it's only get problem so why to make problem to others..I was like why no one takes her in arms or listens to her...what she said to you before...he told me she was just talking bad about papa which is bs and not true and she should not do... Obviously should not interfare others and talk to person directly but seem not possible...
Then he said he never wanted to tell me but in real on the relation of parents she is entirely dominating his father as he is so calmly always, doesn't do anything...but how can he know about past or maybe she just wishes some feelings...I don't know but I also crying nowadays a lot doesn't mean I am dominating...but if my husband having that thinking maybe that's why he needs to have control and is afraid as also he doesn't know live marriage...people in his environment have to arrange with other person and for him worst shamed is when anything comes to outside..,
But how can he be always so cold...I am heavily crying and he can make jokes and laughing...and shouting I should stop as it's irritating and getting violent...or when I start saying something just putting on music...
The wedding night was a lot horrible and I am only one blamed...
We talked before in a normal way and he said me when anything any problem is there I should just tell him directly and whether we can solve directly or talking later and I was so happy feeling it changed and said ok, but please don't say me about people as he always used to say only see the people don't spoil the environment when I wasn't well...
So my family was obviously not ok with it, without even knowing him...but had to accept and I not even had any chance so it went then when was back very fast and I had not even any wish on our wedding day...needed to wear according to them, ceremony has to be that way and everything...not even listening what I said like I said I want wedding vows "nah nah that's not there" or ring exchanging...
But then relatives request suddenly that before, normally months before as a fixing should be for engaged ring ceremony and now they requested a day earlier or in afternoon before so then suddenly it's needed...then I wished same rings but nah they are all every to simple...
I don't wanted it to be just a needed act...
But he promised me to kiss me but then took the promise just before away again but then promised again but only on forehead, I agreed...
But then on the day nothing...so as he said if anything I should just say I asked silently why not...then everything went worsed...directly dared me not to make problem in front if people...before was all time side by side but then he walked here and there without me...I went sad...ceremony was already done, almost the end when it happened when I asked and I was not thinking this reaction so not the not done kiss but the reaction which made me a lot disappointed as I did everything to be with him...then he took me to a empty room shouted at me what now why I am so much problem creator and want to ruin everything, now done the biggest mistake but can't escape now it's just to late...I was again like what's going on, when going to an empty room why not just giving a short hug kiss, saying lovely please be happy and going back as if nothing happened...
After shouted and insulted a lot a short break and then asked what now and ticked again and against the watch...I was like what to do, was just sitting and hoping anything to happen but yes I asked in my sadness why said about people...then slapped and pushed me...
Then when it got later said sorry lets go to the hall again but that time was crying already then more worse rude violent shouted why you want to make my life hell, everyone is here for us and we not there, cant you imagine how bad it is...
Then after some time his "sister" and real brother came, directly insulted me and all 3 was saying many times I am having so much double face, why I am having double face when saying same in good as in bad times and when cannot just turn around, like my husband when shouting and everything at me when not sis-bro coming but anyone else can just stop and being as if nothing happen but when I cry I cannot just stop and they all like I should be back normal fast...always when I cry "be normal soon it irritates me"... And all said I don't know what's love and should get therapy...then my husband went in bed slept, his sister left and his brother was for sometime longer insulting me to the worst imaginable without even knowing me...was saying many times if known me before would forbid my husband to meet me ever and now he will not let me be with him as I destroyed already his life...I should not dare to convince him again to be with me else he would call people to remove me...my husband was sleeping...then brother was also sleeping and I was sitting in the room, was a room with 2 beds and a chair...afraid what to do...but went few times on the bed of my husband, caressed him but when he waked up all time pushed me away...next morning he was rudely talking to me what now, how can he be with me after I ruin his marriage but now he has to...I begged sorry just to wish everything good and not knowing what to do but that was first and only time I was truly thinking in separation...many times I am wondering why...but not separation is there from my side...
Rest of that coming again and again in front of his sister just shouted that why did this biggest mistake to marry so a useless creature who just ruin his whole life and I was just sitting waiting till it's over...he is saying no one else knows and his sis-bro only as they came else not but on one day his brother was with a very serious face sitting, his mother asked and then they both shouted which I didn't get as not knowing so well Hindi...then turned to my side, I was just sitting and parents was listening to them then turned to me and shouted to me leave this room right now else I will forget myself right now...I went to another room, after some time came in shouted at me I should search something, I start searching and later just said they had fight as a earing which was expensive got lost...that's why I need to leave the room that way?
And also everything else was saying actually which said would never interfare...listened a lot..."oh you are do stupid, he is my brother,how can you not think he told me..." And another wish was that at least one ritual which is possible as his mother choosed the dress and I bring something that not seeing it before but then listened that also..."how can you be do stupid, obviously he saw before and we all felt so ashamed how ugly but he said don't let her know..."
After being back was a lot glad, first and only time being glad to be away from him...but cried more as ever on airport as was sure not to come again...but then came again and only 2 time rudeness...one time pulled my hairs and another time destroyed things...
And now now it feels all so empty...
I had different job options, in my city but also far...choosed far...he doesn't want to be in my home town and I was thinking ok it has the good that now bigger city more chances and no problem as contact to everyone except my family got cut...but now he want me to cut the contact to family or else will separate...
I told him, not to hurt him but to make him understand how much lonely I am feeling and how difficult everything is for me...I just wished bit support...do told that my family is not much happy with it but I don't care for anything as he is my first priority... I had a lot of people and no money tensions and in free time fun and no tension at all but now I don't know anyone and just sitting at home waiting him to come or working...
I told him that I am afraid that he can just leave me alone, let me fall anytime, I am truly alone and will for sure not let my family interfare...but he reacted entirely cruel to me...directly shouted "go to hell with your f***ing family, I don't want anything of you or your crap family...if person is not happy with me can just kick their donkey out...now I will not come, you come here...and remove the contact...I don't want you to be with crap people who think bad about me"
Why will I go there that both not working and living with his family...?
His family can even saying bad in front if me...would i ever say this or even think? No...
How?
And that, my family, are the only persons I am having now except my husband...
What to do...I can't be without him...
How to make him come and being normal...I want to make him happy... I already arranged a lot of stuff on which people wondering why so much...
How can I ever be sure that he is truly with me in good as in bad times...
I can't be without him but wish to be sure on my life partner...standing behind me always...
I need help...we need help
When I showed him in that morning that text about abusive I told him he doesn't need to be afraid I am always with him with care. And not taking advantage...later he told me I think very honestly that he just having often the feeling that I am his enemy...
But how can he think that...does he mean it or is it another manipulation to take advantage...?
Statistics: Posted by RishuC — Wed Jun 18, 2014 9:18 pm