This post can most likely fit anxiety, depression, and addiction. I come here out of desperation, seeking any and all help.
First a quick summary of my past. Growing up I definitely had some minor social anxiety but nothing major. I first started to experience insomnia before big events or after exciting events around the 7th grade. If I didn't fall asleep close to my usual time it was like a bomb went off in my head and adrenaline rushes followed keeping me up all night. This would only happen every once in a while and I didn't really fear it or let it effect my daily life.
Anyways around the age of 14 I started to smoke marijuana. To me it was heaven. I could be with friends and have a great time. Use quickly grew and I became an all day everyday user throughout highschool. No insomnia during this part in my life, didn't even think about it.
Next I went to college with plans of getting sober, getting a chemical engineering degree and going to medical school. I made it sober about 20 days until I met a girl who smoked and basically smoked the rest of freshman year, getting decent grades but not good enough.
After my freshman year she moved away and that was definitely hard on me. I again tried to get sober and succeeded. The only problem was about 2 months in I developed terrible insomnia. Every single test I would be up all night not able to sleep. Other important days too. In the end it turned out well, I got a 3.8 while taking very difficult classes. I was also in great shape (comes in later). I ended up smoking out of desperation the night before finals to try and sleep. It didn't work anyway, I was up all night. From there I started smoking again.
At this point I started to develope a phobia of not being able to sleep. The next semester was supposedly the most difficult of chemical engineering. I again tried to quit smoking but quickly reverted back to it. Ended well with a 3.6 gpa.
Summer came and surprise I again tried to quit smoking. I actually made it all summer. I was taking a full course load of difficult classss in the summer semester. Somehow I actually managed to fall asleep every night and remain calm. It ended with a 4.0 and I was so enthused. I thought I was out of the woods. I thought my sleep problems were over. I was so happy. I forgot to mention I followed a very strict sleeping schedule the whole time and the fear of sleep never really went away.
Going into fall spring semester of junior year I thought the major challenges of chemical engineering were over. I was wrong. This realization the first week of school freaked me out. I couldn't sleep and was paralyzed. I wanted to kill myself. I could be the hardest worker in the world but it was all for nothing if I couldn't sleep. I was not only terrified of failing/ruining gpa but I've been reading studies on how bad it is to not get a full night of sleep. I ended up being so freaked out that I dropped out. Right before dropping out I smoked again out of desperation thinking it would help me make a clear decision.
After dropping out I got a job moving refrigerators. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, suicidal. I kept smoking the whole time. Also did molly for the first time. It was a large dose and way stronger than I expected. I worry that it still effects my intelligence today.
So now we get to the present. Spring semester my junior year. (Now,current) I again have quit smoking. I am still terrified of sleep. To the point I'm afraid to study hard, I don't plan big events, I don't eat healthy because I don't think I sleep as well. To top it all off the doctor prescribed me lexapro a few months ago. I hate it. Makes me feel stupid and my emotions aren't strong. It does however help with the panic attacks at night. So far I've been sleeping well but the fear is still there, maybe even growing. I feel so trapped. I feel like I can't do anything in life. If I plan an event that I would enjoy I fear I won't sleep, so I don't make plans. I don't exercise because I'm afraid sleep will hurt my recovery and I'll go backwards. I don't eat healthy because I fear I won't sleep as well. i don't study because it gets my mind going and I fear I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Today I looked in the mirror and looked how fat I have gotten. I went from being ripped to being fat. I don't know if it is my diet, the lexapro, or both. This made me realize how far my life has fallen. I went from having everything to having nothing. All because of sleep. These realizations have made me question if I want to continue life. I absolutely love life but at this point I feel like I'm not even living. I'm trapped.
I need help. Please anyone.
Statistics: Posted by jmh335 — Sun Jan 29, 2017 8:31 pm