Author: Cranial
Posted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 12:14 am
Hello,
I apologize for writing so much, but I feel I have a problem, and maybe some one can give me a better understanding of it.
Short version: I sometimes hit my kitten to stop her doing something idiotic but I over do it and cant help it, After I stop I feel like evil and immidi apologize and give her treats and she starts purring. Its an adrenaline rush, and control type of feeling. I do not enjoy it but I cant stop. I always control myself but sometimes I go crazy.
Long version: Max detail so some of you can get a better idea whats wrong with me.
I am a Healthy ( a little chubby) 22 year old male, I have a fancy car, I go to university, I have lot of friends who's lives revolve around me, I have gotten laid. I have not been abused, witnessed an abuse. I usually have trouble sleeping, this issue was there as long as I can remember. I pride myself on always thinking logically. All in all I am just another guy. I like football, junk food, and hookah.
My problem is that I never get angry, but when some thing ticks me off I go ballistic. My main problem is that my poor kitten ends up being the victim. I am an amazing pet parent, I always clean her butt and wipe all poo off, I take care of her, groom her, feed her the best food, make sure she eats, warm her food and play with her, I come home early so that she doesnt get bored. But, at night I cant sleep in the dark , I need some other life form because its easier for me to sleep. But when I put her on the bed she instantly runs away. The thing that irritates me most is not she doesn't want to be with me, rather, the fact she runs away. If I see her running away I almost immediately want to chase her and pin her down.
I have hit her before but because she would drink from an open drainage and she got a bacterial infection, I did hit her quite hard and now she never goes near the drain. An hour ago she ran away from my bed and I went completely crazy, sad to say, but I beat her a lot. After an hour I said sorry and she started purring again. These feelings usually come up whenever she does something stupid like eat cockroaches, sleep near the comode but I make a hissing noise and she runs away. I have beaten her thrice, first and second to stop her stupid habits, third time was uncalled for. These feelings literally daze me for a second before I can control myself.
Its an adrenaline rush and I feel horrible afterwards. My sister has the same anger problem but towards her children. She is quiet mean to them. They do deserve it. But in our culture beating children is an integral part of child development. Neither of us ever disobeyed our parents because of fear.
My question is, I dont seem to know where this anger is coming from. My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic but these problems manifested after I became 19 because she got a thyroid deficiency problem. Or something. My relationship with my mother is very strained, sad to say, no relation with her at all. and with my sister its negligible. My father and I had a very turbulent relationship ending up to all out hating each other, but as of now he considers me a grown up, and respects me as an adult and this past 2 years our bond has become very strong.
By all accounts I am normal, I have some what of a temper but I dont bottle it in, usually I let it loose when it happens, but when it comes to the cat, these feelings are stronger. I honestly feel like an evil person. I have had cats when I used to stay in the U.S, and I had the same problem. But these feelings only arise if they do something stupid. In the states my cat would poop in my laundry bag.
Just as my mom heard voices, I hear them sometimes too, nothing that makes sense, the trick is to know its bullshit and they eventually go away.
My hunch is I go so crazy over the cat because I take so much care of her but the one favor I need from her is to sleep in my bed to reassure me and she doesnt? But thats just me, I am sure you already labeled me as a psychopath.
Please only positive or helpful replies. If people have nothing useful to say then its best if nothing is said.
Therapist is not possible because too expensive and I do not have time to spare.
Giving away the cat not possible because I bought her for my mother, something like pet therapy and it has been helping her. I am usually at university and then work so good for the cat I am hardly at my home.
I will not call the cops on myself.