WWE Raw 01/02/17 is the first Raw of 2017. As we inch closer to Royal Rumble, we’ve been promised an appearance from Goldberg tonight. Also on tap is a “Last Man Standing” match between Sami Zayn and Braun Strowman. WWE also made it a point to let us know we’re getting Enzo & Big Cass vs. Rusev & Jinder Mahal… which… yeah. That whole angle is a mess and I was hoping the new year would mean a fresh start for Enzo & Cass. Not so much. According to a Twitter user poll I ran yesterday, 80% of people following our Twitter account also don’t feel that tonight will be the night that we get proof that Emmalina is a real live human being. Anyway, the show’s about to start so let’s get to the recap.
WWE Raw 01/02/17 Recap
WWE. Then. Now. Forever. No Raw video credits, no pyro, and a cold open on the crowd in Tampa. Coles welcomes us to the first Raw of 2017, Graves reminds us that Goldberg is here, and Saxton reminds us about the Strowman / Zayn Last Man Standing match.
We’re sent to the ring where Mick Foley has already entered. Mick shows off his new look for his first resolution, which is noticeably less hairy, and says his other resolution is to write the name of the city he’s in on his hands so he won’t forget it ever again. Mick then mentions Jackson… wait, he means… Tampa, Florida. Mick shifts gears to the Shark Cage situation for the Royal Rumble Universal Title match. The cage is actually on display up on the stage tonight. Before he can get very far into that topic, JeriKO are out to Owens’ music.
JeriKO (w/ the List) head to the ring and Owens cuts a promo on Foley. Owens doesn’t appreciate that Foley thinks it’s funny to suspend Jericho up in the rafters like a “piñata”. Jericho corrects him and says he’s like a “sexy piñata”. Jericho says that Foley’s abuse of power is more funny than Foley’s haircut. Owens says “Exhibit A” of evidence of his power abuse is Reigns getting another title shot after losing at Roadblock. Jericho says “Exhibit B” is Rollins Pedigreeing Jericho on the top of the car like a “barbarian” and Rollins getting rewards after doing so. Jericho says he didn’t get rewarded for helping Owens retain, he gets put in the shark cage at the Rumble. Jericho calls it the “Cage of Jericho” because Foley wants to “lock him in, maaaaaaaan”. KO says that Foley clearly has a personal issue with them and since it’s a new year… it’s done. Foley agrees and wants to wipe the slate clean. Foley wants to see what kind of talk show host Kevin Owens is, so the first ever “Kevin Owens Show” premieres tonight… with special guest… Goldberg. JeriKO look super not impressed with this, but they have some questions for “Ol’ Bill”. Like “where’s he been for the past 10 years?” KO wants to know why Foley thinks he can abuse his power whenever he wants. Cue Stephanie McMahon’s music.
Stephanie heads to the ring and tells KO that Foley isn’t abusing his power and has every right to make the title match and to put Jericho in the cage. Stephanie wishes Foley would have consulted with her before making the cage stipulation. Foley adds that he would have wished Stephanie consulted with him before making the Zayn / Strowman match. KO loses it and calls himself and Jericho “national treasures”. Stephanie then makes a match where Reigns defends the U.S. Championship vs. Jericho – again – but this time if Roman gets a DQ or counted out, he loses the title. JeriKO wants Rollins banned from ring side and Foley wants Jericho banned from ring side – but… he’s in the match? Foley starts cutting a promo on JeriKO and Stephanie says she’s sick of all of them right now because last week SmackDown had better ratings. Stephanie gives Owens a chance to prevent Rollins from showing up by making a Owens vs. Rollins match with the loser getting banned from ring side during the U.S. Title match. Stephanie sends Jericho to the back, tells Foley to get his head on straight because they have a ratings war to win, and tells Owens his match with Rollins is right now.
Back from break, Owens is still in the ring. Rollins enters next.
Match #1: Kevin Owens vs. Seth Rollins (Loser is Banned from Ring Side During the U.S. Title Match)
A pretty standard match between these two until the action spills outside. Rollins sends Owens into the timekeeper’s area and then at a “six” count, heads back to the ring to break the count. Rollins heads back into the timekeeper’s area and gets hit in the gut with the ring bell by Owens. The ref signals the match is over and Rollins wins by DQ.
Verdict: Thumbs In The Middle – Kind of a weak ending to the match. This show is already kind of “samey” with the Reigns vs. Jericho title match for the main, so a blatant DQ finish here didn’t do much to really excite me.
Post-match, Owens argues with the ref over the decision. Rollins hits the ring and gets Owens with a high knee. Owens narrowly slides out of a Pedigree and flees the ring.
Back from break, Cesaro is out for a singles match. Sheamus is out for guest commentary. Gallows and Anderson are out next.
Match #2: Cesaro vs. Karl Anderson (w/ Luke Gallows)
Man, is it refreshing to see Cesaro work a singles match again! Cesaro hits his usual series of uppercuts and goes for the Swing, but Gallows starts to intervene. This causes Sheamus to come down from commentary to even the odds at ring side. The match continues, but breaks down when Gallows climbs on the apron as Cesaro sets up for a superplex on Anderson. Sheamus takes Gallows out, but this causes Cesaro to get crotched on the ropes. Anderson is then able to hit a neckbreaker off the top rope to get the win.
Verdict: Thumbs In The Middle – I’m all for the Club guys winning, but this is the second match in a row that had a screwy finish. Here’s hoping this leads to the WWE actually doing something with the Club in 2017.
Next, we see a video package that highlights how unstoppable Braun Strowman is.
Meanwhile, Braun Strowman is backstage… and he’s… walking!
Back from break, some Tampa Bay Buccaneers are in the crowd.
Next, we see a video package highlighting Goldberg’s squash victory over Lesnar at Survivor Series last year.
Back in the arena, JoJo explains the rules of the Last Man Standing match. Sami enters first and is sporting a shiner. Strowman enters next.
Match #3: Braun Strowman vs. Sami Zayn (Last Man Standing Match)
Zayn’s strategy here is the only one that really makes sense. He uses a kendo stick and largely relies on ducking and dodging Strowman – causing Braun to run into the ring post. It’s still not very effective as Strowman proceeds to have his way with Zayn with a bunch of lariats, but Zayn won’t stay down. The action spills over to the announce area, then backstage – where Zayn finds Daivari’s lead pipe. After tossing around some empty equipment cases, Zayn finds a chair and they head back towards the ring. Braun sends Zayn into the LED sign on the stage a few times but Zayn still won’t stay down. Sami hits a few chair shots and then does a running cross body to take Strowman off the stage through some strategically placed tables. Strowman is up at 5 to a “this is awesome” chant. Zayn continues the chair shots, but Strowman responds by tossing Zayn the length of the aisle down to ring side. Zayn eats a powerslam on the floor but Zayn is up at 9. Strowman pummels Zayn down again, screams “it’s over”, and interrupts the count at six to slam Sami again. Finally, Strowman allows Zayn to be counted out to end the match.
Verdict: Thumbs Down – What does this accomplish? We all understood that Strowman is the “unstoppable monster™” like months ago. Watching him beat Sami Zayn up and down the arena did absolutely nothing for me. Maybe it was fun for big Strowman fans? I dunno.
Post-match, Foley and some EMTs with a stretcher head down to the ring. Zayn gets set up on the stretcher, but Strowman runs over and knocks him off of it. Strowman then tosses Zayn into the barricade and screams “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust” at him.
Next, Graves sends us to footage of the Gentlemen’s Duel from 205 Live.
Meanwhile, Gallagher is backstage in the locker room with his umbrella. The New Day appear and they all have umbrellas too. The New Day start gyrating around their umbrellas which makes Gallagher leave.
Back from break, The New Day are out. Woods starts by saying that overall 2016 was a good year for them. They did have some ups and down though even though they became the longest reigning WWE tag team champions. Big E then announces that the New Day have “dipped their sticks” in the 2017 Royal Rumble match. Kofi says they’re going to make their New Year’s Resolutions – when they’re cut off by Titus O’Neil parodying their entrance.
Titus is out and starts mocking their entrance. He says that it’s a new year, so they need a new member of the New Day. Titus makes his case because he’s got rhythm – and he dances around saying “New Day Rocks”. He’s also got some musical talents – but Xavier cuts him off saying nobody touches his girl but him. Titus comes prepared though, breaks out his whistle, and starts twerking while blowing it to the “New Day Rocks” cadence. Big E says that “we all know that you blow”. Titus responds by asking them to imagine his face on a box of Booty-Os. Woods says everyone would rather see Titus’ face on the back of a milk carton. Woods adds that no one wants to wake up and see Titus first thing in the morning. Titus calls that a “strong joke from the weakest link in the New Day”. Woods says he can show Titus how much a “weak link” he is… in a match right now, if Titus is man enough. Titus drops Woods and says if he wants a match, he’s got a match.
Back from break, the match starts.
Match #4: Titus O’Neil vs. Xavier Woods (w/ Big E & Kofi Kingston)
So, Titus dominates for the vast majority of this match, but Woods hits a sunset flip and gets the win out of nowhere.
Verdict: Thumbs In The Middle – Again, not good, not bad… just here. WWE clearly has no idea what to do with a title-less New Day, hence them all entering the Royal Rumble and getting in this “feud” with O’Neil.
Meanwhile Stephanie is backstage… and she’s… texting! Bayley appears and wants to talk about why Dana was allowed to be special guest referee last week. Stephanie explains that Charlotte’s attorneys left her with no choice. Stephanie tells Bayley she never wanted her on Raw, but Mick Foley fought for her. Stephanie buries Bayley and puts over Charlotte’s “pedigree” and “power”. Stephanie mentions that Charlotte is the “queen of PPV” but Bayley is just ordinary… foreshadowing? Anyway, Stephanie continues the burial and says Bayley is “just Bayley”. Stephanie continues texting, but Bayley cuts a promo saying she knows she belongs on Raw and she’s “just Bayley… and that’s good enough” for her. Stephanie says that she does believe that Bayley believes in herself, so she’s putting her in a Number One Contender’s match… the winner to face Charlotte at Royal Rumble. Her opponent? Nia Jax. Bayley leaves and Stephanie starts mockingly singing “Hey, we want some Bayley” but stops and calls it a “stupid song”.
Alicia Fox and Cedric Alexander are backstage… walking. Noam Dar appears, says it’s a “new year, new me”, and apologizes to Alexander. Cedric says that Alicia is the one he should be apologizing to. Dar says Cedric is right and says “I apologize… sweet cheeks” and then runs off.
Back from break, Cedric Alexander (w/ Alicia Fox) are out for a match. Drew Gulak (w/ Tony Nese) don’t get an entrance – because it’s not 205 Live or time management is a bitch on a three-hour show. I’m guessing a little of both.
Match #5: Cedric Alexander (w/ Alicia Fox) vs. Drew Gulak (w/ Tony Nese in a suit)
Well, I guess I’m glad we got this out of the way on Raw so we can have the real match on 205 Live. Before anything can really happen, Nese goes up on the apron for a distraction, Fox pulls him off the apron to create an even bigger distraction, and this allows Gulak to roll up Alexander for the three count.
Verdict: Thumbs Down – The one high point here is that maybe they’ll have a rematch on Tuesday night that gets more than 2 minutes.
Post-match, Gulak celebrates like he won the Super Bowl.
Meanwhile backstage, JeriKO are talking strategy. The U.S. Title match is up next! Silly me thinking they’d use Goldberg in ANY other spot than the final spot on the show.
Back from break, we get a look at the shark cage back on display at the front of the stage. Roman is out first to a bunch of boos. Next, Jericho enters alone.
Match #6: Roman Reigns (c) vs. Chris Jericho (WWE United States Championship Match – Roman Reigns can lose by count out or DQ; Kevin Owens banned from ring side)
Ugh. So, we’ve seen this match so many times already and guess what… ROMAN REIGNS RETAINS WITH THE SPEAR. Shocking, I know. There was a brief moment where this would have gotten a “Thumbs Up” from me, but they blew it. Jericho creates a distraction by removing the turnbuckle pad. While the ref is trying to reattach it, Jericho grabs the U.S. Title, throws it to Reigns, and then does a back bump. The ref turns and sees Roman with the belt. After some confusion, Jericho hits the Codebreaker… and… Reigns kicks out at 2. Yawn.
Verdict: Thumbs In The Middle – Probably the best worked match on this lackluster show, but hamstrung with a super boring and predictable finish. It wouldn’t have been so bad if WWE hadn’t cried wolf so many times on Jericho needing the U.S. Title to complete his title collection but then having Reigns go over every… single… time.
Next, we see a sign on the wall that says “Goldberg”.
Back from break, Brian Kendrick is out for a match. Hey, he’s facing T.J. Perkins. We’ve never seen this one before.
Match #7: Brian Kendrick vs. T.J. Perkins
And the point of this was? The match barely goes 3 minutes, Perkins converts a Sliced Bread into a Detonation Kick. He then slaps on the kneebar and Kendrick taps immediately.
Verdict: Thumbs Down – Of the billion times we’ve seen this pairing, this was the absolute worst version.
Post-match, Neville watches Perkins celebrate on an awkwardly placed monitor in the dressing room.
Next, we see a video package about the WWE UK tournament.
Meanwhile backstage, Big Cass is… walking. And Enzo is in a wheelchair… and he’s… rolling. The tag match is now a handicap match. Oh boy! Next!
Back from break, Emmalina is still a lie.
Meanwhile, Rusev and Jinder Mahal are already in the ring. Enzo and Cass are out. Things can’t be taught, people are sawft, ba-da boom.
Match #8: Big Cass (w/ Enzo) vs. Rusev & Jinder Mahal (w/ Lana)
Cass can’t hang with the numbers game and Jinder Mahal slaps Enzo while he sits in the wheelchair. Rusev goes over with a standard kick after Cass is momentarily distracted by Mahal on the apron.
Verdict: Thumbs Down – This happened, why?
Next, we see footage of Zayn getting destroyed in the Last Man Standing match from earlier. Meanwhile, Charlotte Flair (this week) is out for guest commentary.
Back from break, Bayley is out. Nia Jax follows.
Match #9: Bayley vs. Nia Jax (Winner Faces Charlotte at the Royal Rumble for the WWE Raw Women’s Championship)
Nia Jax rag dolls Bayley around the ring until Sasha Banks’ music hits. Sasha is out wearing a knee brace and this is enough of a distraction for Bayley to hit Nia Jax with a Bayley to Belly from the top rope and get the win.
Verdict: Thumbs Up – A feel good win I suppose. I’m not too happy that there was ANOTHER distraction finish on this show but at least the end result wasn’t terrible.
Post-match, Sasha stares down Nia and Bayley looks over at Charlotte – who holds up the title.
Goldberg is on the KO Show next. If there is any justice, Goldberg will just immediately Spear Owens, to end the pain that has been tonight’s show.
Back from break, Cole confirms that Raw will have Undertaker next week. Saxton also confirms that HBK will be on Raw next week.
Next, JeriKO are out for the Kevin Owens Show. The set includes a person in a KO t-shirt with a sign covering their face, a standard WWE desk with two chairs, and a lawn chair for the guest. KO begins by cutting a promo on Reigns for retaining, but it’s still a momentous occasion because “Team Kevin & Chris or Chris & Kevin” main event Raw. KO introduces someone who could be Goldberg, but nah, it’s Jericho. Chris tries to stir up the crowd by telling them “what happens when you chant Goldberg during the KO Show”… Tampa Bay makes the List. Owens says the fans deserve it. Jericho interrupts with a “big piece of news” which is he is “third man to enter the Rumble”. So I guess New Day aren’t really in? Or someone didn’t update Jericho’s script? Anyway, Jericho is in the Rumble. KO doesn’t like this because if Jericho wins they have to fight at WrestleMania. Jericho says that no matter who wins, they both win. KO doesn’t want to fight his best friend… and is cut off by Goldberg’s theme.
Standard Goldberg entrance and he hits the ring. Goldberg mentions that Jericho is in the Rumble, so that means that Jericho is “first”. KO interrupts, says we don’t need hostility, and asks “Bill” to take a seat. Goldberg tosses the lawn chair out into the audience. Jericho asks Goldberg if he wants to know what happens when you “throw chairs around”. Goldberg yells “Spear” at Jericho and “Jackhammer” at Owens. KO asks if he’s supposed to be intimated, so he tosses the rest of the furniture out of the ring while Goldberg watches. Goldberg gets in KO’s face and says “Take your shot, champ”. They’re interrupted by Paul Heyman who announces that Lesnar is not here, but he has a spoiler for the Rumble match.
Heyman’s spoiler is “Eat, Sleep, Elimination, Repeat – Elimination, Repeat x infinity”. Goldberg says he will take care of “your client at the Rumble”. Goldberg then turns towards Owens and says whether it’s him or Reigns – they have a date at WrestleMania. KO calls him delusional and Roman’s music hits. Roman hits the ring and says “you two must be delusional” to JeriKO, which brings him to Goldberg. Roman and Goldberg stand face to face when Braun’s music hits. Strowman takes a mic from a cowering Heyman and says that if anyone is winning the Rumble match, it’s him. He gets in the ring, Reigns and Goldberg nod at each other, and hit Braun with a double Spear. Roman then leaves to let Goldberg pose in the ring to end the show.
Wow, what a mess Raw was this week. They seemingly crammed everything relevant into the last 5 minutes of the show (plus the overrun). Hopefully, SmackDown continues the trend of being the better show because Raw was a hard watch this week.
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