Practicing in the Mandala - Dharmasala, India
Dharmasala, India
Where I stayed
Tushita and McCleod apartment
What I did
stupa, inner deities, monkeys,
inside the mandala, lots of rice and lentils
July 28th- August 18th Kalachakra Retr**************a
Back into Tushita and retreat I went first for a week to learn about the Kalachakra Tantra from a more worldly perspective of how its concepts are relevant to our daily lives through a course called Harmony in Kalachakra and then another 2 and a half weeks for the actual Kalachakra Tantra retreat in which we learned and practiced the sadhana (daily practice) and attempted to finish what is called a mantra approximation (I’ll explain more later). The first week most but not everyone in the group had received the initiation, so all that was shared is open to anyone. That also meant that there were many questions asked that couldn’t be answered in that first week that we needed to wait to get answered, which built some suspense and curiosity (if not some jealousy and frustration for those who weren’t able to stay for the second part). To rewind a little bit, the reason I decided to come on this retreat was because if I was going to take this initiation, all the way to High Yoga Tantra Vajra Master level (the title doesn’t mean as much as it sounds like it does, I am definitely no master but the initiation does mean that I could be someday), then I really needed to get some lengthy and practical teachings on this practice that I had just committed myself to doing twice a day pretty much for the rest of my life. It’s no joke, this commitment if broken, and it is broken by most people who take the initiation, does cause suffering for the lama (teacher) who offers the initiation and creates negative karma (the causes for negative results to ripen upon oneself in this or a future lifetime) for the one who breaks the commitment and or vow. I was warned about this multiple times and told by most Buddhists, monastics, lay, and teachers alike that it is not something to take lightly and that they were Buddhists and Tibetan Buddhists for many years before taking such an initiation. That one really needs to be ready and to feel compelled and inspired to do the practice.
Somehow, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I felt this way. Some may say its because of some great karma I’ve created in a past lifetime. I think its also because of the study, practice and exploration and experimentation that I’ve done in this lifetime that drew me in and why it feels so right. I even felt after receiving the initiation that I needed to do the practice that was written in the book that I had read about the initiation and if I didn’t do it then I would physically feel the effects. I think partly it’s because I have been needing this practice as a way to integrate my mind and body with an emphasis on cultivating an altruistic mind that is devoted to helping others to awaken as a cause for my own awakening and which is developing emptiness and bliss as the states that lead to awakening. I could say that I’ve been already doing this though mindful creative expression, but it wasn’t conscious, yet really it is the transformation of the mind that leads to lasting change in oneself and the patterns of my mind were and still are needing a lot of rearranging in order to live more consistently in even a joyful state before even considering being truly altruistic. What I found that is essential to this practice is having the external teacher or guru. Visualizing that there is someone else who is watching in support and then dissolves into me so that I am then becoming that guru, witnessing myself. I am then holding myself accountable, giving offerings to myself and experiencing the bliss of union with all of creation ideally. There are different versions of the practice and the one that fulfills the commitment is 10 mins or less twice a day, but the version that learned on retreat takes anywhere from 40 mins to 2 hours or more depending on how extensively you do it and how long you take to meditate on the different contemplations. I’m getting ahead of myself again . . .
So the first week didn’t go into the practice at all, it was more of a preparation to consider, discuss and experiment about how the Kalachakra Tantra in its essentialized teachings could be effectively applied to our lives. For example, the meaning of Kalachakra is Wheel of Time and is the union between Immutable Great Bliss and Empty Form, which right away requires some decoding. Immutable Great Bliss is always available, present and infinite and empty form is that which holds or contains this bliss and yet has no innate form and there is no inherent existence to any form. Before I go too far down the philosophical rabbit hole, just know that this union is what allows the bodhisattvas and buddhas to manifest countless emanations (formless bodies) to help all sentient beings in a similar way to how one might understand that an intelligent creator God could answer the prayers of millions of people at the same time. So the practice is in essence practicing to become a bodhisattva and eventually fully enlightened Buddha. On the mundane level, it’s a tool to inspire awe and devotion but also cultivate the virtuous aspects of an awakened being who has control over the 5 or in this system 6 elements (space, air, fire, water, earth and consciousness), has perfected the 10 Perfections (generosity, ethics, patience, effort, concentration, wisdom, method, wishes, power and exalted wisdom) and is committed to developing compassion, loving kindness, joy and equanimity for and with all sentient beings. And this is just at the very basic level of the bliss mandala that is only the very center of the massive Kalachakra mandala that consists of 722 deities and much more than I even know of yet and even more that I am not able to share. It is a life long and multiple life long practice to fully master.
The first week though the talks, discussion about our lives and how we can see ourselves in a mandala of many layers, exercises of connecting though movement, stillness and sharing stories and twice daily meditations on various aspects of the teachings, I recognized more and more clearly that I was looking for this practice. The real shift came when looking at my understanding of compassion and realizing that I had thought compassion was to receive the pain of others and had left out the action of actually helping them. That there needs to be a continual flow of energy as in a free flowing river rather than a damned river that would back up into an artificial lake (ha J) but really. This still water will kill many living things like trees, plants, drowning animals in their homes and changing the whole ecology and often the fish and native animals are not happy living in such conditions, which causes their delicate balance to get totally out of harmony. In my personal ecology it caused what is called ‘lung’ in Tibetan or a kind of side effect of improper meditation practice that can manifest as energetic to physical pain and even insanity. I think I lived with this condition for about 4-5 years managing it with various practices, but feeling overwhelmed and in often unexplained physical emotional pain on a daily basis. I found the compassion meditations and emptiness meditations that we were doing extremely helpful while also challenging as they pressed against some strong habitual patterns of my ego and self grasping, but the time for a change had come and I could feel it happening each day.
We were in silence during meals and when not in the gompa (small cozy meditation hall) that we were using because of another intro course happening at the same time that was in silence. It was a challenge to switch back and forth between a more formal retreat mode of silence and our animated open, creative and connective space of our sessions together, but it was a great practice to help bring the awareness of meditation into our more mundane lives outside of the retreat center and to force us to take space to contemplate and integrate what we were learning and processing.
After this first week I felt as though I had a pretty good although very broad understanding of the Kalachakra Tantra and system and even though I had been reading consistently about it as well, many unearthed and unanswered questions that would have to wait for the next retreat or for many years to come as I slowly learn more. I was a bit self conscious also of how much emotion of was coming up for me and how much expression I was having in the meditations yet I felt safe sitting near to Andy the teacher and whenever I asked him a question, he always assured me that all was well and that I was just going through a lot. This is knew, this I was also self-conscious about but coming to find greater acceptance for that wasn’t based on a prideful ego state of thinking ‘oh I’m deeper than others, I have more experience,’ which certainly wasn’t true much of the time and not helpful for my or anyone’s growth. Actually a lot of my process has been recognizing my pride or conceptions of myself (called self cherishing in Tibetan Buddhism) and what I’m good at or not good at, comparing myself with others and noticing my mind making these distinctions. To continually equalize myself with others and release any projections or distinctions that I have about who they are or how they are or aren’t helpful to me, but to just relate, give and receive with an open mind and heart. Not easy and yet a constant practice.
I was staying in a room with three other women, one American, one Russian and one Korean. Amanda, the American and I got along together really well right away although I noticed that I had a tendency to label her as American and of course that’s not me (haha), I’ve travelled so much, I have European family, yaddayadda. I just didn’t want to own some parts of me that she pointed out. She’s extremely devoted to her practice and to her guru Lama Zopa Rinpoche, which also brought up big resistence for me that I have had the opportunity to work with for the rest of this pilgrimage as a great challenge and blessing. We definitely talked and laughed more loudly than we probably should have too, which helped us to all get along more ease-fully without much reprimanding J
After the week, we had a couple days of break between and we took care of personal business including whatever indulgences needed to happen before the real retreat started. I met with Rishabh who happened to still be in the area. Actually we met when I first arrived back in town too and this meeting was much better. I could feel how we were both making shifts. I was more clear and honest with how I wanted to be in contact and yet really enjoyed his presence feeling a deep caring connection. Even having spontaneous song arise in this last time together and feeling so grateful to know him and have him as a friend. We made rough plans for me to come visit him in Delhi sometime after the retreat and before I go on the Buddhist pilgrimage to Nepal, but not discussing the possibility of him coming which was an option a month ago. It doesn’t feel like the right thing now, so I let it go. We shall see what comes of our connection.
The next two weeks while I can’t go into much detail on the actual practice I can share the experience and it was potent and profound. I can also share that we did a two-hour sadhana (group vocal recitation practice) twice a day as well as 3 hours of mantra recitations and a short meditation period to start one of the recitation periods in which we would either be trying to complete as many malas (circuits around a rosary-like strand of 108 beads in which one beat is one full recitation of the mantra) as possible or were exploring various aspects of the mantras and how they resonated with and within us and our visualization. I found myself going very slowly because of all the emotion and sensation that the mantra brought up for me, which meant that I was unlikely to complete what is called the approximation. This is completely a certain number of malas and in this case 100,000 of the main deity and 10,000 of the 10 surrounding deities in this part of the mandala as well as another 10,000 as a purifying shower. This totaled 210,000 malas when multiplied by 100 (which is what one mala as 108 beads counts for) is 2,100,000 mantras. That’s a lot of mantras to do in just over 2 weeks especially for a newbie like me. I gave myself and break and decided going into the retreat that I wouldn’t push myself to complete it and then after going through quite a lot of purification about not feeling good enough, that I don’t belong and will never succeed, etc. I finally accepted that what was really best for me was to go slow and get to know the mantras and the deities associated with them deep inside me rather than desperately force myself to go faster than I wanted to just so that I could accomplish this goal, which seems arbitrary to me anyways. It’s a way to say, you have done this amount of practice, which means you more likely to have had some sort of transformative experience or at least get to know the deity who’s mantra you’re chanting fairly well. Yet for me I got acquainted with the deities better by going slowly, at my own pace in a more investigative, contemplative manner in which I was able to more fully embody the energy and release more emotion as I was held in the embrace of these sacred energies. That said I did do over 1,000,000 mantras. I was proud of myself for staying steady and consistent and doing what felt right rather than what the energy of the group was encouraging (in my own projection possibly) and a byproduct of being an over achiever that I’m finally releasing to just be me.
As a result I was able to offer what arose from my practice as an offering dance to the 10 directions and actually shared it in the gompa (shrine room) where I think there has been very little dance before. It was a truly emergent or transformative experience for me to show what had been happening on the inside throughout the previous two plus weeks on the outside and to be received so well too. Actually I was very shocked by how encouraging Andy, the retreat leader and our teacher was of my creative dance ideas of how to use Kalachakra. I had mentioned it at the end of the week long retreat in the large group and then in a private meeting with Andy and he was enthusiastically encouraging. So much so that we are considering joining forces to offer the Harmony in Kalachakra program together sometime possibly at 9 Mountain (my new home and business J) or maybe in Boston near the Tibetan Buddhist center called Kuru Kulla that has a Kalachakra stupa. There also happened to be a woman on both retreats who I sat next to during the first week who grew up in W. Mass, went to college at Amherst and attended Earthdance when it was just starting up 27 years ago or so and she’s now a Buddhist teacher. She’s also wanting to come back to visit Mass. so hopefully she can come stay with me and we can do more collaboration together on this possible dance project and we are also hoping to bring in a secular ethics element into. Pretty synchronistic J
So all in all the retreat were very beneficial on many levels and much more will continue to unfold as I continue to practice, integration, study and explore my mind with greater acceptance and belief in my own innate goodness or Buddha nature.
We had a final fire puja (purification and offering ceremony) at the end to give offerings to all the deities and ask for the purification of any mistakes that were made during the retreat. Those who finished the mantra count were able to give offerings and the rest of us either helped serve or were witness in support of the ceremony. I had a lot of energy come up around the fire puja really wanting to take part in it even though I knew that it was best for me not to try to complete the mantra count. I was honored to be given the role of server or offering goddess from the view point of actually being in the mandala (and my preferred title ;) There were five of us preparing and serving the offerings, which was a production in itself. We created 22 bowl each round (for 11 rounds) of offerings such as husked and unhusked barely, kusha grass (a long wheat like grass), and so forth. My movement improvisation skills definitely came in handy and I felt so fulfilled having this opportunity to be in joyful service. It also took place about a 30 min walk from the mountain side retreat center with a gorgeous view of Dharmasala below as we silently processed to the forest monastery with two powerful stupas of former lamas were also supporting our efforts. There was also this moment when too many offerings were thrown on the fire all at the same time and it went out completely. There were continual attempts to restart it without any luck (definitely an elemental lesson). I was watching feeling unable to help and then started praying to bring in the fire element through the deities of the Kalachakra mandala and then a monk popped in the fire hut with a plastic pop bottle full of lighter gas and passed it to me. I passed it on to the fire tenders and whoof up went the flames with ease. It was an opportunity for to trust in my own capacity to make an external change through my own internal embodiment as manifested through my intention.
I felt great about my role and having a sense of purpose in serving with deep gratitude. Afterwards we could talk again and it was both joyful and awkward. I wanted to stay inside partly and wanted to share my joy in celebration, ah and its all empty and blissful ultimately. This day was very special for us all.