'Not all those who wander are lost.' ~ Tolkien - Gżira, Malta
Gżira, Malta
Where I stayed
Sir Charles Cameron, Gzira
Today I took it easy, catching up on a lot of photos and blogging, Skyping my parents and talking to some friends back home.
Halfway through the day I stepped out with Ippy to get fresh fruit from a store up the road, and admired the view (and the sun) from our roof.
In the evening I was cooking eggs for a sandwich and burnt some oil in the pan. It smoked-out the entire floor! I was so embarrassed!
Later that night I also almost accidentally killed myself via gas inhalation. I forgot to ventilate after having the gas heater on in my room for many hours. My vision went a bit blurry and I started to get a migraine. At the time I couldn't figure out why…but then I stepped out of the room to go to the bathroom, and upon return was hit by a wall of gas. Argh! I quickly turned off the heater and opened up the window and door. I even checked on Google to see if I would die.
All in all, the day was a bit of a fail. I procrastinated, filled the house with smoke, almost killed myself and got very lonely.
Lonesome musings, below:
'Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.’ ~ Cesare Pavese.
I think I become most lonely when I get a bit of time to myself after having non-stop fun. It’s usually when I’ve just moved to a new place. I don’t know anyone, I don’t know where anything is, and I don’t have any concrete plans.
I’m not going to lie. What I’m doing is hard. Travelling alone, when I have so many great things back in Australia, is really difficult. I get lonely and it hurts on the inside of my chest, like it’s hard to breathe. I’d never felt this before I started my journey, which makes me realise how lucky, privileged and full my life has been.
As soon as I stop doing things, I realise that by myself, in a country I don’t know, with no plan ahead of me. And it’s scary as hell! At times like this I can’t call home because it’s too expensive. I can’t always Skype because it’s the middle of the night in Australia. I can’t call a local friend to catch up because they’re working.
It’s discomforting to realise I can’t cuddle my boyfriend anymore, or curl up on the couch with my parents. I can’t walk down the main street and say hi to almost every person I see. I don’t know how much things are worth, or how to get places quickly. I’m surrounded by thousands of people, but I’m ‘going it alone.’ And I’m the sort of person who’s always hated being alone. Not because I dislike my own company…but I can’t really put my finger on why…I wondered, why do I hate being alone? I think it’s because I like constant entertainment, comfort, security and fun. I think all humans love security to a certain extent. But the other side of me loves spontaneity, challenges and new horizons.
I lonely when I first arrived in Paris, but I didn’t want to write about it because I didn’t want my readers to think I was a failure, or that I was weak. But in the 7 weeks since that time, I’ve realised that being able to talk about the hard times makes me the opposite of a failure. It means facing up to the only thing that has ever REALLY scared me. I’m not weak, I’m strong. And travelling has helped me to own up and contemplate all the feelings that I having and express them honestly. It’s also helped me to realise what things I appreciate in life, and I tell you, I will never take for granted a small town or a comfortable night on the couch with my loved ones again. It’s not boring, it’s contented. And there is actually nothing wrong with being at ease. But I do think there is something wrong with never stepping outside your world or your comfort zone.
I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m not staying with a local family whose job it is to entertain me. I’m not on a planned tour where they book my accommodation and spoon feed me all the history of the places we visit. I’m alone, and that’s something I didn’t fully comprehend until I stepped off the plane and into another country. I never fully comprehended how massive this trip I’ve undertaken is. This is massive. It’s scary. It’s lonely. It’s exciting. It’s uncertain. It’s my life. I have to take every opportunity as it comes, and live in the moment.
And I know I can do it. And I know when I find ‘my place’ and ‘my people’ here that I won’t want to leave. I am adaptable, and I am positive. And my loved ones back home are thinking about me.
I AM having fun, I AM meeting great people, and I AM enjoying my time. I guess this entire rant has just come down to one thing: travelling alone isn’t easy, but it’s worth it!
I remind myself that this is real. What I’m doing is challenging, but also hugely rewarding. Not many people will achieve something like this in their lifetime, and I’m lucky as hell to be here.
‘Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.’ ~ Mark Twain