Wondering how living in a tiny house might impact your love life? Take heart, because Tiny Houses Listings is here to help with these top 10 tips for finding your partner in crime. (Alternatively, if you’re on the fence about whether living in a tiny house is right for you, this article might be useful while you’re sorting things out.)
10. Forget about dating online or via social media
In a world where screens have become our intermediaries in many of our social interactions, it’s growing harder and harder to meet someone outside of Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, or any one of the countless online dating sites. (Would you believe there’s even a dating site specifically for people who want to eat gluten free?)
Unfortunately, internet anonymity has made the online dating scene the number one place for skeevy men to find a no-strings hookup, and they all subscribe to the same harebrained theory: that if they just play the numbers, someone will eventually say yes. Whether that’s true or not, what it means for all the other single men, who like me live in a tiny house in the middle of nowhere and are genuinely looking to form a connection with a compatible woman, is that females are inundated with harassment every time they log on and are therefore hardly willing to respond to a message, let alone meet in person for a date. (Even so, I have it easy compared to the women who have to put up with that nonsense all the time.)
Even if that dynamic didn’t exist, the online dating world still exists based on the fraudulent idea that you can really get to know someone based on a picture and a few sentences about their goals and interests. Sure, that’s enough to decide if it’s even worth bothering in the first place, but with an endless stream of alternative suitors ready to step into place behind whoever we’re currently talking to, most of us fall into the trap of looking for the Mary Poppins of dating candidates. (In other words, holding out for imaginary figure of the OH-MY-GOD-PERFECT person to come along, which, of course, never happens.)
If you’re living in a tiny house and looking for love, my advice is to stay out of the online dating game altogether.
9. Figure out how you’d most like to spend your free time
But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be proactive about introducing yourself to potential prospects. The idea is to be more selective about where you look, who you look for, and get past the idea of casting a wide net.
Start by listing what your principal interests are and determining where you might go within a reasonable distance to meet people who also like spending their time in that way. There’s no guarantee that the people involved in those activities will otherwise be compatible with you, but at least you’ll have a good basis for asking them on a date.
It’s also helpful if you choose activities where the gender balance of participants is in your favor. Heterosexual men, for example, might consider cultivating an interest in partner dancing, such as lindy hop, waltz or salsa. Generally speaking, these sorts of dance groups predominantly consist of women. Assuming a fellow actually likes to dance, and can abstain from behaving like a hopeless jerk, he’d have pretty good odds of making a few connections under those circumstances. Likewise, a heterosexual woman looking to meet a nice fellow might benefit from looking into local interest groups involving outdoor sports, horseback riding, performance arts, or paintball.
The worst case scenario with this strategy is that you’ll make a bunch of new friends and have lots of fun in the process; best case, you meet the love of your life.
8. How many is we?
Obviously, if two people are going to be involved in a romantic relationship with each other, they should have a clear, mutual understanding about what boundaries are when it comes to monogamy and polyamory, or any other word ending in y that might somehow fall into the category of relationship models. It’s a sensitive issue, and not surprisingly, many of us enter into relationships without ever bringing up the topic for discussion. (With the frequent result that someone ends up deeply hurt, or fundamentally dissatisfied.)
If your goal is to live in a tiny house, especially in a remote locale, you should be realistic about the chances of one person meeting all of your needs: intellectual, recreational, emotional, sexual and otherwise. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m by no means advocating for polyamory – in fact, I’ve witnessed bits and pieces of a handful of these relationships from a fly-on-the-wall perspective, and I’ve yet to see one that clearly works 100% for everyone involved – but I am advising you to consider how shifting your living circumstances might impact your social networks.
Living in the boondocks with a lot of chores on your plate and, most likely, with few opportunities for privacy, having only your house-mate to turn to can sometimes lead to challenging dynamics. (Though, for some folks, spending most of their time with just one special person to the exclusion of the wider world can be perfect.) Either way, do a little soul-searching and decide if this aspect of the tiny house lifestyle is really for you – if not, you can still downsize, but you might definitely want to prioritize a small mobile home, or a little cottage somewhere in the suburbs.
7. Where are you going?
One of the beauties of tiny houses is that we can take them on the road with us, even if they don’t have wheels in many cases. For those of us who have an innate wanderlust, living in a small home can be the ideal opportunity to enjoy the freedom of the nomads, roving from place to place wherever our spirits take us. Unfortunately, once a second person gets involved, that freedom of moving wherever the breeze blows can sometimes scatter like dust in the wind.
Naturally, if you want to live on the open road, you should prioritize a relationship with someone who wants to do likewise. (I know, you’re calling me Captain Obvious on this one, but you know as well as I do that “love” is seldom rooted in practical matters like this, and is more apt to be based on the subtle vagaries of looks from across the room and warm and fuzzy feelings.) My point here is that, however hard it might be to let those feel-good-pheromones go when you’ve met someone new, particularly when “the feels” are enthusiastically reciprocated, it might be in your best interest to duck out before going to deep, rather than to try to gather moss on a rolling stone. The vice-versa scenario equally applies.
6. Check out their stuff
No matter how you look at a ten pound bag, eleven pounds of stuff is never going to fit in it. Likewise, a tiny house designed for one person, (like my 120 square foot cottage,) will never accommodate two. Regardless of your current relationship status, I recommend spending some time considering how you will adjust to living in a given tiny home if and when the right person comes along.
It’s also worth wrapping your around whether you and your significant other are on the same page about how a space should be organized. Several years ago I had was dating a gal who LOVED clutter. I mean, it was really a thing with her. If there was a bare spot in the middle of the living room floor, she would make a point of putting something there to occupy it. If she got something out of a cabinet, she used it, set it down on the counter and there it stayed, indefinitely. That doesn’t make her a bad person, (though she did straight-up lose her driver’s license and several high-denomination dollar bills,) but her need for clutter did drive me crazy, and it definitely contributed to us splitting up.
5. Money matters
One of the main attractors to those of us who live in tiny houses is the fact that we can have a roof over our heads without a mountain of debt, the guillotine of a sub-prime lending based mortgage hanging over our heads, or the colossal property taxes that can come along with a picturesque mini-mansion somewhere amidst the suburban sprawl creeping its way across the countryside.
However, lots of folks out there base their self-worth, and the worth of others, on how much money they make and what kinds of possessions they have, including their home. I can confidently assume that if you’re reading this article, you probably have some level of commitment to living in a tiny house. If that’s the case, you should always make a point of being upfront with dating prospects about your financial goals and priorities. Sometimes they’ll think less of you for it, (let’s be real, living in a tiny house is still seen by many people in the mainstream culture as a cousin to homelessness, which shouldn’t be regarded as a sin in its own right,) but if that’s the case, you definitely wouldn’t have wanted to build a lasting relationship with them anyway.
4. How much space do you really need?
At the end of a long work day, when you’re feeling a little frazzled, how much space are you going to need? I don’t mean a physical spot to set a drink and put up your feet – I mean emotionally. Some of us thrive on lots of social interaction, and many such people place a high value on regular, deep check-ins with their romantic partner. Others of us need ample time alone to clear our minds and sort things out before interacting with people, even the ones we love most.
Beyond knowing where you sit on that spectrum, it’s worth considering whether you and your partner, tangible or conceptual, might want to live in separate accommodations. I realize this sounds a little crazy on a planet where cohabitation is the worldwide norm for romantic relationships of most kinds, but for some folks, having separate spaces, even within the same home, can seriously enhance their overall quality of life along with their happiness in the relationship.
There’s a couple in my village, for example, that live in two separate tiny houses. (It could just as easily be two separate bedrooms.) Sometimes they sleep together, often even, but sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they eat together, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they spend leisure time together, sometimes they don’t. You get the idea. The value here, for the people who choose to base their relationship on this kind of interaction, is in being able to decide as a couple when and how they will spend time together. In general, this sort of arrangement will mean that all participants, (which might include kids and other relatives in the context of a family group,) will be more deliberate about the time they spend together, leading to an increase in quality rather than quantity, while leaving the door open for everyone to set boundaries and ask for time alone when they want it. In order for that to bear any fruit, you and/or your partner need to have a place where they can actually get away from everyone else.
An additional advantage to having a separate tiny house from your partner is more practical. If a separation does occur, (amicably or otherwise, most romantic relationships break apart sooner or later,) there will be no need to go through the hassle and anguish of selling the little home of your dreams and going on the hunt for a new tiny house to live in.
3. The business of child’s play
Kids and pets can be among the most divisive issues in any romantic relationship, and in a tiny house, their impact can be magnified. First, make a decision about whether you want kids in the near term or not. Once you’re clear on that, you can communicate that intention to prospective partners, and make your housing plans accordingly. Bearing the point above in mind, it’s worth considering just how tiny of a tiny house you can get by in. In my opinion, 100 square feet is a realistic minimum for each person in the house. I’m not so sure about pets, but unless you’re OK with a cat sitting on your nice warm keyboard at all times, you might want to make a point of ensuring that Mr. Whiskers has a little corner to hang out in as well.
2. Determine what languages they speak
Like the old saying goes, if you really want to know someone, unplug the internet while they’re surfing and see how they react. When you’re on a date at a restaurant, take notice of how the other person treats the wait-staff. Watch how they behave when someone cuts them off on the highway. Keep a keen eye on them when they’re talking to relatives who’ve known them forever. Most of all, pay attention to how they talk about others when those people aren’t around to hear it.
Anyone is likely to be on their best behavior when they’ve just started dating someone, or while a relationship is still new, (by which I mean two years or less). But no matter how swimmingly two people get along, at some point, for one reason or another, there WILL be conflict. Now, I’m not saying that there’s any perfect way for two people to relate to each other when it comes to conflict resolution, (I mean, I’ve known people who admittedly start flamboyant arguments with each other just to enjoy the post-world-war makeup sex afterwards,) but before you get involved with someone, you certainly want to be clear about their communication style relative to yours, and how you expect to cope with it.
This is of enormous importance to those of us living in tiny houses because when a conflict does arise, it can be enlarged by several orders of magnitude by your surroundings. Good luck finding privacy in a 200 square foot house with an open floor plan, if your prerogative is to seek solitude and cool off before settling things, and you can forget about driving over to your friend’s house for support, sans-romantic partner, if your house and your vehicle are the same thing.
There’s also this notion of “love languages” popularized by a book written by Gary Chapman. The basic premise is that people communicate love to others, and receive messages conveying love, in different ways. When these models of communicating love match up for people involved in a relationship, they’re much more likely to feel satisfied and fulfilled, whereas when these models differ drastically between partners, it can result in each person involved feeling confused, unaccepted, or even just downright unloved. In my case, for instance, I communicate love via physical affection. In the context of a romantic relationship, I like to offer my partner a hug most every time I see them, and my instinct is to give an occasional gentle touch on the shoulder or the like to convey that I care about them. If that sort of thing seemed clingy to her, or was otherwise unwelcome for any reason, I’d probably wind up feeling emotionally inhibited and unable to express myself, (and meanwhile she would probably be fed up with all the snuggles).
So if you’re considering making a relationship a part of your tiny house lifestyle, take pains to ensure that you speak the same languages. Knowing how your partner communicates means that you can adapt accordingly, ensuring that more and more of your interactions with one another will be net-positive, and that your connection is likely to grow stronger over time.
1. Pursue your goals and see who else is traveling the same road
It seems to me that the biggest factor in determining the compatibility between two people is whether or not they are in a similar place in life. Age doesn’t necessarily matter, but life experience certainly does, as well as maturity level. For example, two young folks who recently passed through my community, (their initials are J and J,) turned out to be perfect for each other, even though one is about eight years older than the other. They have similar values, interests and goals. They communicate in similar ways. They have similar backgrounds, and basically want the same things out of life – at least for now. (As a side note, I invite you to consider that a relationship can still be regarded as a flying-colors success, even if it doesn’t last until all participants are old and grey.)
J and J are also both interested in the tiny house movement, and actually came to my village to learn about downsizing, living sustainably, gardening, and related topics. It didn’t take long for them to connect, and they’ve been traveling around the country together for the last year, saving up money and learning more about the realities of homesteading before they try to settle down. (While I’m on the subject of my village, I recommend that you check out this article about why living here in a tiny house can be beneficial to you, especially if you happen to be female. We have more than a dozen tiny houses here, all of different makes and models, for you to check out as well.)
Now, I may be talking out of turn here, because I’ve yet to find that perfect person to share my tiny house lifestyle with. Nonetheless, I’m confident that by prioritizing the things that are important to me, (like ecological sustainability, non-violent communication and board games,) I’ll eventually cross paths with someone who shares those interests and values, in addition to being at a similar stage in their life, with the same attitude about money, the same stance toward risk aversion, that also wants to have kids someday, and is comfortable with the level of solitude that I’d like to have… actually, it might never happen, and I’m OK with that, because the key to my life satisfaction lies within myself, and not in another person. Make sure that self-care is front and center in whatever tiny house plans you make, and the rest will surely fall into place.
Want to checkout lots of upcoming tiny house video tours, DIY project ideas and all things related to tiny house living? Be sure to subscribe to The Tiny House Listings YouTube channel. Oh, and get new listings via email here.