For those that haven’t seen the film Sophie’s Choice, make sure you have a box of tissues to hand when you do.
Although watching a film with a box of tissues shouldn’t be an unaccustomed act for most blokes.
Sentimental old softie that he is, Fifty Shades isn’t afraid to admit he had to stifle a big blub or two at the harrowing tale of the choice that Sophie faced (I won’t spoil the plot for you) which gave the film its title.
But now it seems in the aftermath of the Ashes laugh-in Down Under, English cricket is facing its own Sophie’s Choice.
But in keeping with the farcical nature of a tour that descended into the status of a Griswold family holiday in National Lampoon’s Vacation series, England’s Sophie’s Choice is more likely to have you in tears of laughter.
From a tour which by the day is producing fall-out more potent and damaging than any atomic bomb tests the Yanks carried out which left the New Mexico desert with a population of three-headed geckos, Pronghorn Sheep with day-glo pink antlers and rattlesnakes with stumpy legs, the biggest spat-fest is that between Kevin Pietersen and Performance Director Andy Flower.
On previous form, when the ECB deny something until they are blue in the face, you can bet your mortgage on it being correct.
So when they issue po-faced denials, it’s pretty certain that the stories of KP and Flower going to the mat are not a million miles away from the truth.
And it looks as though the Sophie’s Choice England’s cricket management team – ECB chairman, Giles Clarke, new managing director Paul Downton and selector James Whitaker – will have to make is between Pietersen and Flower.
Pietersen confirmed he is keen to continue playing for England, and Flower wants to continue in his role, but clearly there isn’t a dressing room big enough for the pair of them, unless you can put your kit on in the Royal Albert Hall.
More learned pundits than FSOM like former England skipper Michael Vaughan say it would be a tragedy to sacrifice Pietersen and that it is a shortcoming of the England management team that they can’t ‘manage’ him.
The question is how do you manage somebody who is convinced the world revolves around him like some Christian fundamentalist handing out leaflets that claim the Sun and all the planets spin around the planet Earth?
How can he be part of a team, when KP’s idea of team ethics is to pick him first, and then find ten other gophers whose sole purpose is to set things up so he can win the game?
Wherever Pietersen has been, he has left a trail of destruction behind him, like a toddler who has ripped his crappy nappy off and is happily dragging its contents around the house.
From the moment he played for Cannock CC in the Birmingham & District Premier League as a teenager and upset his hosts by complaining about “horrible Black Country accents” Pietersen has shown a skill and appetite for rubbing people up the wrong way.
Pietersen is a man who could start a fight with himself in a phone box and the catalogue of episode where his self-centred manner has upset people is thicker than two copies of Wisden.
Down the years, he has;
Called South Africa South Africa captain Graeme Smith “an absolute muppet, childish and strange,” after claiming the quota system cost him a place in the Proteas’ test squad, at which point he decided to take advantage of his mother’s nationality and declare himself available for England.
Earned a three-year contract with Nottinghamshire but asked to leave two years in after they were relegated to Division Two of the County Championship, saying; “I could have done so much better if the Trent Bridge wicket had been good.”
Had a public row with Notts captain Jason Gallian, who displayed his feelings when Pietersen returned to collect his things, and found his kit coffin whizzing just past his head as Gallian hurled it off the Trent Bridge dressing-room balcony.
Joined Hampshire, where his England central contract limited him to a handful of appearances for the county. But after the birth of his son, Pietersen bailed out on the county that offered him a refuge after the Notts fiasco halfway through the 2010 season.
Was called ‘a traitor’ by South African players then suffered the ignominy of the crowd turning their back on him as made his way to the pavilion after scoring a hundred in a one-day international in Bloemfontein.
Pietersen’s star rose to the point where was appointed England captain but that ended in a tiff with Peter Moores which cost the coach his job, while in a bizarre act of misjudgement, Pietersen resigned, not knowing Moores had been fired.
In May 2010 he announced his retirement from all forms of international one-day cricket, only to change his mind three months later in a YouTube interview.
In August 2012 he was dropped from the England team after sending provocative texts about team-mates to South African players. He was left out of the squad for the tour to India, but in a humiliating loss of face for captain Andrew Strauss, Pietersen agreed to be re-integrated back in the team.
It’s not as if Pietersen’s ‘him or me’ stance is directed from a position of strength, he hardly ripped up any gum trees Down Under.
In ten knocks in five Test matches, the man expected to put the Aussie bowling to the sword, mustered just two half centuries as Peter Siddle continued to prove that he owns Pietersen to the point he can wear him like a hat.
At Brisbane, KP made 18 and 26; Adelaide 4 and 53; Perth 19 and 45; Melbourne 71 and 49, and in Sydney he gave a clear sign of what ‘playing for the team’ means to him with three and six which was his way of saying; “I’ve had enough, sod this for a game of marbles, what time’s the next flight home.”
It’s not just Pietersen that comes out badly.
In fact, not only did the shackle-draggers whump us 5-0, but they exposed some serious flaws that might damage English cricket for years.
Their relentlessly hard, tough cricket proved too much for Jonathan Trott, and while we should show sympathy for his alleged mental issues, you won’t find too many Aussies who aren’t convinced he didn’t run scared.
Same for Graeme Swann. The England spin machine worked harder than Swann’s spinning fingers to convince everyone his decision to retire not halfway through the tour was a fine gesture from a man who put the team first.
But others see it as the act of a quitter who realised his career might be remembered as the bowler who delivered the first cricket ball to be put into orbit.
Matt Prior was England’s cricketer of the year last summer, but was reduced to a patsy as Australia worked him out quicker than a beginners’ soduko puzzle, while Alastair Cook’s captaincy was shown up in sharp contrast by Michael Clarke’s.
Cook was exposed as unimaginative and uninspiring by Clarke who never let a session drift by without trying something.
Cook became a skippering Mr Micawber, always hoping something would turn up, whereas Clarke made things happen. He was helped, of course, by big-game players who justified their status by turning up and turning it on when they were needed, instead of big-name players who went and hid behind the sofa.
But while it’s easy – and right – to point fingers at some players, others hiding in the shadows should not escape blame.
England’s backroom staff in Australia was the largest in cricket history, containing almost as many as there were convicts on the First Fleet.
They certainly have coaches for batting, pace bowling, spin bowling, fielding and different types of fitness, and tucked away in the Secret Army are probably coaches for coin tossing, skipping, and teeth-brushing.
The medical staff includes general doctors, orthopaedic doctors, spin doctors, witch doctors, along with sports psychologists, sports biologists and sports florists.
They also took their own 70-page cookbook, with recipes for 200 different meals and drinks, as well as specific player needs such as wholemeal muffins, pro-biotic yogurt and soft-poached cranberries, although it’s hard to work out what the benefit of a nicely poached cranberry is when Mitchell Johnson is fizzing the ball past your eyebrows at 90mph, or knocking over as much timber as felling season in the Swedish pine forests.
There was no excuse for England being under-prepared as they covered just about every base – barring accidental pregnancy to any of the players – that could be covered.
The simple fact is that England grew too big for their boots.
Having worked their way up to number one status, they kicked those boots off, kicked back into their hammock and did squat-all about retaining their position.
And for that you have to point a pointy finger at Andy Flower.
As performance director, the buck should stop with him and it’s all very well for the Angry Elf to stand his ground and say publicly he wants to continue to lead England while privately providing the ECB with an ultimatum, but should that option be his?
Flower has been quick enough to accept the plaudits and glory that went with guiding England to the number one spot, but he should also have been the first to man-up and fall on his sword.
There should be no weepy moments over the Pietersen-Flower, Sophie’s Choice facing England’s cricket management, because there is a far happier ending available.
Get rid of them both.
By John May
Follow @maisy68
This photograph was provided by Fishyone1.